I need help

[Lissy23]

I feel the absolute worst I’ve ever felt.
All my support networks and coping strategies are gone because of this stupid virus.
I’ve also realised how few friends I have too. My family don’t give a shit about me either.
I told my mum I felt suicidal and I got a message back saying how I would be selfish leaving my son without a mother.
They only ever want to see him, they’re not bothered about me.
One of the things I really wanted to do was to join a choir, but due to it apparently being a high risk activity, there aren’t any around anymore.
I also had/have PND.
I do feel suicidal, I feel like I have no one and nobody to turn to. I do have my partner and son, but I feel detached from them. I hate my house, I hate where I live, I regret so many things.
I had a mental health peer support group that I went to regularly, because it’s face to face it can no longer run.
This isn’t living to me, I feel like I’m simply existing. This is no life. I hate it and I hate myself.

You need to speak to someone - what about the Samaritans?

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non-judgemental listening. They might help you work out how you can ask for help from your partner.

www.samaritans.org/

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

I'm sure your partner would want to help if you tell him.

You are not hateful. You are enough.

You're going through an illness - PND is an illness. It will get better.

Talk to your HV (depending on DS's age). Or your GP.

There is a way through this.

Thank you for your comments.
It’s so hard and I feel exhausted.
If I knew there was an end to this, I could cope better.

It will get better, I really believe that in a few months a time line for the way out will become clearer. It’s crap but it will get better. Please keep reaching out, speak to the Samaritans and your husband. Take care and be as nice to yourself as you can be 💐

Hang on in there. You are loved & valued & wanted on this earth more than you know. This situation is shit but it will get better. PND is tough at the best of times, never mind now. It’s OK to not be OK. Talk to your GP or HV.
Sounds silly but if you like singing, can you put the radio on & have a sing along? Practice for the choir you’re going to be joining as soon as it’s allowed💐

It will get better, it has to. This can’t go on forever. At some point there will be an end in sight and you will be so grateful you decided to hang in there.

Have you looked into joining an online choir? This could be something to fill the gap until proper choirs can meet again.

Stay strong x

Singing releases endorphins like exercise, and brings me much greater joy than exercise. As well as asking health care professionals for help I heartily recommend singing upbeat songs loudly, I find it really cathartic.

Please ask someone for help. If you're feeling suicidal you can go to A&E . Depression is horrible, I've never quite been suicidal but In had considered just walking away, literally. PND is horrible it makes you question your skills as a parent. My GP gave me a week's supply of anti depressants and that was enough to push me back into normality. I can't function without anti depressants but they don't make me fuzzy they just silence the nagging voices.

Hi Lissy23, you are not alone.
I was in a bad place myself 20 years ago. It felt like I would never get out of my head, which was just horror. And ending it felt like the only way to get relief.
I wish I could have had someone to talk to then.
It took me 5 years of talking to a counsellor to understand the origins of it. Which were the early years with my family.
It is like a marathon. It might take you a year, 5 years or 10 years but one day you may get better with support. You just need to take that brave step to get it. The Samaritans, Your GP, depending on where you live, local colleges (like the Minster Centre in London) also offer free counselling in the community by students due to graduate.
I would not try to get it from your Family. They are too close to say the right words that will help you heal.
Just hang in there. One day at a time and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

My darling I felt like this last year used to wake up wanting to die and could not wait until the evening and my parents said to me the same as I have 2 little boys !!! I was just going back to work and this shit show started

There are lots and lots suffering please call Samaritans /anxiety UK/no panic !!! And talk we are all here xx

Things are bad, but we are probably through the worst. Your support groups will be back in place soon. I know it isn't the same, but could you join a zoom choir? Just for practice until things get back to normal.
Plan days out to places which make you happy. That's what I'm doing.

How are you feeling today @Lissy23 ? Hope you got some sleep & feel better rested, though not easy I know when you have little one.

Hi,
Thanks for all your comments yesterday.
Still feeling incredibly sad and down about it all.
We are in the new semi lockdown restriction area near Manchester, so things have got tougher again for us.
My biggest issue at the moment is that I struggle to cope on my own with my DS and having constant intrusive thoughts, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.
My partner is potentially going back full time in September. If the restrictions are still in place then, I want to be able to go round to my in laws, as I have been doing recently and it’s been helping.
They are my only source of support in the area, my family don’t live nearby.
They’ve just published a list of exemptions in law for our area, one of them being ‘assistance or care of a vulnerable person - including personal care’ and ‘childcare’. Now I’m wondering if I could still go to their house/garden for support when my DP is at work, under those stipulations.
I relied on playgroups and toddler groups before, I just heard that the local church one isn’t looking likely to go ahead by September, so I doubt any others will either.
DS will be at nursery one day, as we’ve enrolled him one day a week, but the other 4 days I’ll be alone and with thoughts like these on an almost daily basis lately, I feel i’ll be a potential harm to myself.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. DS is 4 now, but when he was around 6-9 months old I slipped into a huge depression, suicidal ideation, brief foray into self harm, the lot. I lived with DP and DS, but my friends weren’t in our village and my family is 300 miles away. I set up life insurance and was planning how to die so it looked like an accident and DP would get the pay out.

These days it’s much easier, I would say I spent a year in the dark, then the next year climbing out of it and now it’s mostly light and I know how best to stay out of the shade.

For me it was a lot of talking, a lot of reflection on my childhood, hardcore practising of mindfulness. For others on here it sounds like ADs worked. Whatever it takes to get you back into the sun.

Your child loves you, your partner loves you, you are needed, wanted and valued. Can you afford a private counsellor? Talk to anyone that will listen, continue to see your in-laws, do what you need

Thread needs MN mental health resources post.

Have you thought about joining an online choir.

www.nordoff-robbins.org.uk/online-choir/

Yes if your partner returns to work you'd definitely be allowed to go round to your family for "essential care", absolutely. So that's one less thing to worry about.

Are there no sources of peer or other support online?

Yes do keep seeing your in laws, it would definitely count as essential care. It’s hard to be alone with a little one, I remember how loooong those days could be. Please reach out to your GP or HV.

Hi OP,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It's truly crappy and we're crossing everything that it's all over soon.

You're far from alone in struggling with this situation. We hear stories like this every day, which doesn't make it acceptable at all. No one should feel like this. But we hope it makes you feel less alone at least.

There are some really brilliant suggestions on this thread about online things you can do and ways you can see friends and family safely and within guidelines, so we hope that has helped. Mumsnet itself is a great source of socially distanced support so we hope you find lots more of that here, too.

In the meantime, if you're feeling really overwhelmed, we wanted to just share our Mental Health Webguide again, which has loads of useful numbers you can call when life is really swamping you. The Samaritans particularly is great and we know they are doing everything they can to be there for us all when things feel desperate at the moment. It's just another option if you feel you'd benefit from a human voice on the end of the phone.

Do keep posting, and we really will keep everything crossed that things start to lift where you are soon and you get a bit of a break. Hang on in there. You're doing brilliantly.

MNHQ

So sorry you're feeling like this. Please remember that the PND, or any depression, is like a filter that you're seeing the world through. The world and your situation isn't as bad as you think, it's just the illness distorting it.
Did you know that the Oxford vaccine is already being manufactured, with stocks all ready to go if the results of the trials (which have gone well so far) are good and it's approved? So, while nothing is certain, there's a real possibility of things beginning to change well before the end of this year. And even if that's not entirely successful, there are so many countries testing alternatives, so many medical professionals testing treatments and cures. This will definitely not go on indefinitely, and we will have our support networks again soon so hang on in there.

Do talk to someone if you can and be very kind to yourself. It sounds like you're dealing with some difficult circumstances, in a difficult time, but we're through the worst now so don't lose hope. Like others have said, just listening to music can help so much, and if you do feel up to joining a choir (or just singing along with one) online, then that could help to keep you afloat through the most difficult times.