Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Covid

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Am I doing the wrong thing?

41 replies

CathyandHeathcliff · 06/06/2020 16:24

I need some advice.
My DH is going back to work soon and I’m really struggling, my mental health has taking a battering since this all kicked off. I’ve felt suicidal a few times.
Pre lockdown I would go to playgroups or toddler groups, meet other mums at the play park etc. I have no idea when these things will start again.
My DH is really worried about me being alone with our DS who is a year old. Not because I’d hurt him or anything like that of course. But because of how I’ll be and my mental/emotional state.
I have/have had PND and was on the list for counselling before all this.
My DH being worried about me has spoken to his parents who live about 20 mins from us and who we saw regularly before this. My parents and family don’t live here and I don’t see them often, so that’s another difficulty.
They have told me I’m welcome to come round a couple of times a week for the morning, bring DS, stay for lunch and then drive to pick DH up from work so he can avoid public transport.
It means being inside their house which I know isn’t allowed and they’ll be interacting with DS and with me too. If we’re also eating/drinking there.
They said they don’t have an issue with it and they want to help. I don’t have a problem with it either and I need the help mentally. But I know it’s technically ‘against the law’ and we’ve completely followed the rules up until now.

I really don’t think I can be on my own with him without any distractions or without seeing anybody else all day, everyday without having a breakdown. I know it’ll sound selfish and pathetic to some.
My DH said he won’t be able to relax at work and will be worrying about me constantly.

OP posts:
BiggerBoat1 · 06/06/2020 16:26

Technically it is against the rules, but it sounds like a very sensible plan that will work well for your family. You obviously have lovely friends! Enjoy and don't feel guilty.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2020 16:28

I think you should spend as much time with your in-laws as possible. Your mental health needs to take priority.

AntiHop · 06/06/2020 16:30

Even though this is breaking the rules, I think you should do it for the sake of your health.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 06/06/2020 16:31

I think it’s 100% the right thing to do.

WingingItSince1973 · 06/06/2020 16:33

I have been doing this for my daughter since she has been furloughed. Now her and my 4 year old gs come to visit a few times a week. They live in the next street. I have been helping her as I was the childcare for GS everyday anyway as she worked full time and he was only part time at school as he has anxiety separation and was needing to have specialist help. As it is we kept up some routine for his sake and my DD. Shes just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety so I felt DD and GS mental health was more important to us. We all very careful although obviously not ideal but it would have put GS emotional development back and my DDs mental health would have really suffered xxx

BiggerBoat1 · 06/06/2020 16:33

Sorry, very lovely in-laws!!

Merename · 06/06/2020 16:33

I don’t think it’s breaking the rules - there are various exceptions for vulnerabilities and issues going on so it would absolutely be the right thing to do. Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Sunnydays123456 · 06/06/2020 16:35

Definitely do it - look after yourself and your dcxxx

BBCONEANDTWO · 06/06/2020 16:39

Of course you should do it - you need to look after yourself land your family and your mental health is absolutely important. l. Hugs to you and much love.

Quartz2208 · 06/06/2020 16:39

Can you do it in the garden - being outside would still be in the rules you can use the toilet and bring your own food and have interaction

and do you have mum friends you can meet at the park

Spied · 06/06/2020 16:39

I'd say the only thing you can do is take them up on the kind offer.
Living with MH issues is a living hell and I can't even imagine how tough it would be in the circumstances we are in today having to be alone struggling with your thoughts while looking after your one-year old.
Your husband and his parents sound great.

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 06/06/2020 17:30

Thank you everyone. I definitely think I’m doing the right thing.

OP posts:
LilyPond2 · 06/06/2020 17:31

How high risk is your DH's job from a Covid-19 perspective? How old your PIL and do they have any conditions which make them vulnerable, eg high blood pressure or diabetes?

110APiccadilly · 06/06/2020 17:39

I don't even think it's against the rules; your PiL are providing support to vulnerable people. Go for it, and enjoy spending time with them!

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 06/06/2020 17:41

@LilyPond2 he works in a school, so that’s the main issue really.
They’re 69 and no underlying issues that I know of. They’re both very physically fit and healthy.

OP posts:
H1978 · 06/06/2020 17:49

I think there’s scope for bending the rules slightly. At the moment we have dpils staying with us as they have a toilet leak and need a new bathroom fitted. Both in their 70’s with various conditions so there is no alternative until it’s fixed. They are shielding completely and we hardly go out either, spending majority time in the garden and having shopping delivered. I think your MH is a priority over rules and you’re lucky to have them.

RedskyAtnight · 06/06/2020 17:56

Why can't you just meet up in their garden?
Or meet another mum for a walk in the park?

If you did it would the worry over being found out mean you couldn't really relax anyway?

LilyPond2 · 06/06/2020 18:00

At their age your PIL are sadly at quite high risk if they do get infected. Given that the advice seems to be that risk of infection is much lower outdoors, could you agree that you'll only go round on days that the weather is fine and stay in the garden only or go for a walk together?

itsgettingweird · 06/06/2020 18:05

It's not breaking rules.

You can provide care for someone.

You need that right now and you have a lovely solution that works for you all.

NookIsACrook · 06/06/2020 18:10

I know I'm in the minority and I am not saying your mental health is not important but I would reduce any risks by spending time with them outdoors where the risk is lower.

Is your dh confident that the pupils households and colleagues he's teaching have all been following guidelines so minimal risk of transmission from him, to you and then you to his parents?

I do think you need to spend time with family but I'd maybe look at ways to make it as safe as possible

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 06/06/2020 18:18

If the weather is dry. We will spend as much time outdoors as possible. The issue is they haven’t got much of a garden, just a paved yard area. It’s not really suitable for a toddler to run around either as there are plenty of steps and little areas where he could trip, no grass.
I will be limiting my time going elsewhere and will keep my hygiene levels as high as possible, along with distancing with other people.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 06/06/2020 18:18

Yes of course you should.

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 06/06/2020 18:18

And DH said he’s going to change his clothes before he gets into the car.

OP posts:
PinkBuffalo · 06/06/2020 18:30

Sounds fine to me OP, It will be good for you and little one and all Involved sound happy with it
100% the right thing to do
I hope you enjoy it too Smile

LilyPond2 · 06/06/2020 20:41

If they don't have much of a garden, is there a local park where you could meet?