Am I doing the wrong thing?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I need some advice.
My DH is going back to work soon and I’m really struggling, my mental health has taking a battering since this all kicked off. I’ve felt suicidal a few times.
Pre lockdown I would go to playgroups or toddler groups, meet other mums at the play park etc. I have no idea when these things will start again.
My DH is really worried about me being alone with our DS who is a year old. Not because I’d hurt him or anything like that of course. But because of how I’ll be and my mental/emotional state.
I have/have had PND and was on the list for counselling before all this.
My DH being worried about me has spoken to his parents who live about 20 mins from us and who we saw regularly before this. My parents and family don’t live here and I don’t see them often, so that’s another difficulty.
They have told me I’m welcome to come round a couple of times a week for the morning, bring DS, stay for lunch and then drive to pick DH up from work so he can avoid public transport.
It means being inside their house which I know isn’t allowed and they’ll be interacting with DS and with me too. If we’re also eating/drinking there.
They said they don’t have an issue with it and they want to help. I don’t have a problem with it either and I need the help mentally. But I know it’s technically ‘against the law’ and we’ve completely followed the rules up until now.

I really don’t think I can be on my own with him without any distractions or without seeing anybody else all day, everyday without having a breakdown. I know it’ll sound selfish and pathetic to some.
My DH said he won’t be able to relax at work and will be worrying about me constantly.

Do it.

If you had to go into work and use public transport you would be at much higher risk. Now we know why the govt has to issue rules and guidance but this thing isn't going away soon and we're all adjusting to a new normal.

Sounds like a win all round to me. Sure your ILs are bored witless and will enjoy seeing the LO and you get a meal cooked and chance to sit down with a brew. I'd be there at 9am on Monday

I may have missed it, but where do you live Cathy?

If it's in England then I think this is illegal now, rather than just a rule or guideline. I haven't been able to find a list of exemptions, although there must be some. For instance my brother has to go to my elderly parents house at least a couple of times a week to sort out their medication etc.

I'm not being judgey about it either. We definitely broke the law on Monday, when my single parent daughter had to move house and the removal people let her down. It was a risk we had to take and I'm not sorry about it.

You're correct knitting. This is actually now against the law (as highlighted in the media recently as it's the same law that makes it illegal to have sex in your own home with a partner you don't live with).

You can't visit someone in their home except for a number of specified reasons. One of these exceptions is to visit someone else's house to care for a vulnerable person, but that's not what OP wants to do. If OP is caught then I personally think it would be hard to show that what she was doing within the law. Possibly she might be ok if she could prove that it was essential for her mental health to spend time with someone else in their house (OP -do you have an official mental health diagnosis?). Otherwise I suspect she'll find it hard to justify why she has to be in their house and can't meet in the garden (their or hers) or a park which would be within the law. (have to admit, I don't understand why OP can't do one of these things - if their garden is paved suggest a sand pit and play mats?) Most crucially - if her mental health is fragile, does she need the worry that a neighbour might report her?

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/350/regulation/7

@knittingaddict Here you are! See reg 7 on gatherings and the list of exemptions in paragraph (2). Actually, it doesn't look like you did break the law with your daughter's house move, as there is an exemption for facilitating a house move. There is also an exemption for assisting a vulnerable person (which for this purpose includes anyone over 70). So if your elderly parents are unable to sort their own medication, it appears your brother is acting legally too.

Yes, I thought there would be exemptions. There had to be to keep the vulnerable safe.

We are incredibly law abiding as a rule, but I didn't care too much about whether going into our daughter's house was illegal or not on Monday. She's now settled in the house with her two children and loving the garden and bath. Two things that she didn't have before. It would have been worth a fine, although I would have been furious after the D Cummings business.

One of these exceptions is to visit someone else's house to care for a vulnerable person, but that's not what OP wants to do.

The op is the vulnerable person receiving care.

It’s not like the police are going to raid their home is it? They have no jurisdiction to enter homes.

I recently read it was illegal, but I’m hoping because my mental health is on a knife edge and I’d be alone with my 1 year old all day there would be an exception made if the police did turn up.
They live in a very rural village, so there are no police patrolling the streets.
I know many will think I’m being selfish or I’m in the wrong, but I genuinely don’t know what else to do. The thought of being alone with no groups etc makes me feel suicidal. I think I do still have PND, over a year on.

OP please do not worry the police are not knocking on doors checking that everyone there lives there.
You and little one go and enjoy yourselves as much as you can. Hopefully this will let you start to relax a bit too. Your parents in laws sound like they are looking forward to it too. Do not give it another thought, just do what you need to and I really hope this helps you to feel better soon once you are In a bit of a routine with it

The op is the vulnerable person receiving care
So it's fine for the in-laws to visit her, but not the other way round.

OP- have you spoken to your GP recently? Is there any support they can give you? Or maybe try your health visitor?

Your issue would be if a neighbour reports that you are visiting frequently. I doubt the police have hard and fast guidelines for every situation, so you might have to prove that you had a genuine mental health issue and then prove that your need not to be alone could not be satisfied by meeting outdoors.

I do sympathise - I also had PND after my first baby and understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone at home. In my case, I was able to partly calm the feelings by putting baby in a buggy and going on very long walks - for all day sometimes. Is exercise something you've tried, to see if if helps you at all?

@redskyatnight the only way I was getting through previously was all the toddler groups we attended.
He hates the buggy now and just wants to walk everywhere. He’s been walking since he was 11 months. He’s now 20 months.
Where my in laws live is a very rural area as I think I said further up, there are some very lovely walks that we’ve already done while social distancing. My DS loves to walk and can walk miles already. The problem is he is hard to control by myself. We do use reigns but he inevitably has a tantrum in them.
I just feel I need that extra help. If my parents were nearby it would make things much easier. But my in laws are literally like second parents to me.
I’ve been having panic attacks in the night because of this.
So far we’ve stuck to lockdown rules entirely, both my next door neighbours have had family into their homes, as have the young weed smoking group in the house further down.
I have spoken to my GP and they say there’s not much they can do at the moment apart from offer me meds which I’m already on, organise over the phone or zoom counselling which is impossible with a toddler while on my own, who needs constant attention.
I was going to a mental health anxiety and depression peer support group regularly before all this. It was really helping. No idea when that’ll be back

I think I am going to do it, take them up on their offer, as I feel it’s the only way I’m going to manage by myself.

That is great you have made that decision cathy
It must be a Bit of a weight off your shoulders already that you are already looking forward to something this week
Once you get into that routine of going to see them I hope you will start feeling better and you can all be a bit happier

You are all doing the right thing and you are not breaking the rules. You are vulnerable at the moment and your PIL are taking care of you. It's allowed and it's the best and kindest solution. I really hope you feel better soon, OP.

I think you should do it as you are all in agreement as a family. Your husband should just be extra careful at work.