DC’s starting to struggle now - any advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I have ds 12 & dd 8 who won’t be going back to school until September. I think it’s really starting to affect them now. DD is so sad. She misses her little group of friends and her teachers. She loves going to school. She is getting all the home learning done by midday every day sometimes earlier. She’s been so good getting on with it mostly by herself as I am working and dh is helping ds as he is getting loads of work set and needs supervision or he will just disappear!

DS’s behaviour has changed in the past two weeks. He is moody, at times quite angry, rude and defiant. He does have a lot of school work but apart from that he just wants to go on xbox and phone and we have let him as it’s now the only social interaction he’s getting. I’m think his challenging behaviour is a mixture of his age and lockdown but it’s causing a lot of upset in this house.

We do make sure we get out for a walk every day and this helps but I am reluctant to do much else yet as I am in the vulnerable category.

Today my dd spent hours by herself and then said mummy I just really want to go to school. I do work more hours on a Monday so can spend more time with her on the other days but I’m starting to be at a loss what to do actually do with her. We’ve done lots of home activities but I think she just wants to go out places now and is so bored of being at home.

We have another 3 months of this and I’m starting to get concerned for all our states of mind.

I know there must be lots of others in the same boat and so I wondered if anyone had any advice or suggestions and we could help each other through this?

Us too. DS 12 was just beginning to settle in to secondary (he finds it so hard to make friends), all the input and effort has been lost and he’s not in touch with anyone from his school. DS 9 doesn’t want to go back to primary ever. I don’t know do we’ll ever get back to where we were tbh.

I’m sorry @Lemons1571 it’s a tricky age isn’t it when they first start secondary school.
My ds was just adjusting to it too and had made a few new friends but I’m not sure how much he’s in touch with them now. He just seems very cross all the time and I’m not sure how to handle him. I don’t want to be too hard on him as it’s a difficult time but at the same time I’d like a bit of respect! The attitude from him is awful.

Does he get out somewhere every day? One of us drags DS 12 out somewhere, even 30 minutes with a frisbee in the park helps with the grumps and irritable one word answers to questions (as long as it’s not local so no one sees him with us ). The whole situation is dire though, it’s the lack of end date that leaves us all adrift.

Arrange for them to meet a friend outdoors with social distancing. This is now allowed. Prioritise that over schoolwork. Do it regularly. They need it (all children do). Mental health matters most. Best wishes

Do they do any sports? It doesn't help immediately, but a lot of clubs seem to be starting to talk about how they will hopefully be returning soon in some form (even if just training and drills). I doubt many would take on new starters in the current climate, but may be worth a try if they don't already do a sport. Even just that hour or half hour a week doing something different would be hugely beneficial.

Yep, I've got DC the same age as you. DD (8) missing school, clubs, friends and chats to people all day if she could, while DS (11) has spoken to one person since March, and doesn't even bother turning his phone on. He's not a gamer so not even chatting to friends online. He too was just getting into Yr 7, settling into new friendship groups. He seems quite happy with the situation though and any gentle suggestion he talk to a friend is met with a no thanks, I'm fine.

Yes DS does football but it’s all off until further notice. We have been getting him out once a day for a walk or bike ride usually to his disgust. At the start he used to like going to the park with dh to play cricket but doesn’t even seem interested in that now.

I guess he could meet a friend but I’m not sure he would keep 2m apart and I am a bit nervous about having contact with other families that I don’t know as I’m in vulnerable group and how are you
meant to know how strictly they’ve been following the rules.

@gigglypip does your dd chat with people online or on facetime/zoom? We did try a group chat once and it was a bit of a disaster as they either said nothing, or got overwhelmed and left! No-one has asked us to do a call since! It’s just so horrible
to see her little face looking sad. She is a sociable thing whereas I’m an introvert really. I feel like I can’t give her what she needs right now.

DD is 8 and also very sociable and missing friends a lot.
I found the group zoom chats didn’t work but the 1-1 chats are much better. She uses WhatsApp video calls mostly.

I also arranged for her to have her music lessons via Zoom - not sure how useful they are for teaching music but she enjoys the attention!

I feel very sorry for her, the older two don’t seem so bothered but she really misses her friends. She said today ‘I just want to hug them so much!’

Thanks @Squidsister I might try a 1-1 call for her then with a friend. I find it all a bit awkward as I don’t really know the other mum’s but I’ll just have to message and see what they say. I’ve got to try something for her sake.

Sometimes they can be a bit awkward with each other at first until they get used to it, so you might want to suggest an activity they can do e.g. doing drawings and showing each other, or coming up with a story together (the sillier then better).

DD has also had a socially-distanced chat with a friend in her front garden - they each had their own camping chair and were sat 2 metres apart under strict orders not to go near each other! They enjoyed that and were very good about it.

Maybe book a little holiday, something to look forward to. Camping in Spain via Ryanair with face masks would be more than safe.

Agree that a sitting meeting with friends would really help them. It is within the rules. It has really boosted our dc.

Life is shit for everyone at the moment. Sometimes there is no solution - you just have to accept that this is shit and you have no choice but to put up with it. It’s a vey privileged Western view to think that your life has to be hunky dory all the time.

Given the upto date information we now have, how vulnerable are you? I say that as someone who got a shielding letter, but now my specialist Nurse has told me that I'm not particularly vulnerable.

Can't you say to your children that they can meet up with mates, but they've got to follow social distancing? A quick hug is fine. You just change clothes as soon as you all get in etc.

But just bite the bullet and contact other Mums to start video calling etc.

I've started letting mine see friends, this was allowed here since last Friday. Thankfully he has friends in our street and within a few minutes walk. Their families have all been more or less isolating/working from home etc as have I. The difference its made is incredible, he really needed it as an only child. First couple of times was supervised, I just sat on the grass in the park and observed, have to say they'll were much better at social distancing than the groups of young adults all sat within inches of each other. Yesterday he got his first taste of freedom in ages and went for a cycle with a friend. I've explained he's to keep his distance to protect others including his own family, he seems to get it.

It's tough isn't it. my youngest ds is 10 and started to really struggle a few weeks back.
He still has the odd bad day now but seems calmer. Things that have helped.

Not starting or ending the day with gaming- he was getting so cross with not winning- so now it's just 1 go at lunch and 1 go when I'm cooking dinner.

For his birthday we dropped off party bags on his friends doorsteps and then they had a zoom call, it was staggered so not talking to everyone at once.

Meeting a friend to play frisbee, they stayed opposite ends of the field and washed hands and frisbee at the end.

Chatting to his grandparents on the phone and what's app more often.

Going out to different places- even the beach- but going either very early or late to avoid crowds.

A new magazine subscription to mix up his reading a home and to have something to look forward to arriving.

Things to help him relax, bath bombs, setting the hammock up with snacks and a story, meditation stories.

Planning a few lessons together around his interests and just ignoring the school stuff for a bit.

Can I suggest you give him the ideas and let him do the leg work? he may be happier making his own plans? if you can just sew the seeds

Rhodri, this crisis is unique to everyone because we've never had social interaction stopped like this. For other cultures with big families, it's easier. Other cultures also stay with each other more, even if it's makeshift beds. My friends wider family across Nigeria has between 8 and 50 people (the 50 can often just be immediate family only) staying in houses, since this began. Keeping, goats, rabbits and chickens also makes life more interesting.

So it's not about 'privileged western view', our lifestyle brings specific problems during this once-in-a- lifetime situation.

In terms of children, globally people aren't enforcing isolation. I was watching the global debate and the spokesperson was saying that young people in her province in Namibia wasn't particularly suffering because they aren't isolated. From first word accounts, I know it's the same in Nigeria and Ghana. In times of crisis, multi generational living is ideal.

Dd3 Is arranging to meet her friends in the park today. She is so excited. She is 12 and her 2 friends mums jumped at the chance when I suggested it.
If you have contact with friends parents suggest meeting up somewhere.

I think the problem is you can only do so much as parents. As kids get older they need time with their peers away from parents. This isn't a healthy or sustainable way to live.

No advice, I'm afraid, just solidarity. I have a a 12-year-old DS too (and a 9-year-old DS) and we're all very fed up at this point. DS1 is very monosyllabic (yes, no, don't know being his most common answers to anything). He usually refuses to go to the park with us (too boring), he's listless and disinterested. He's normally a really sporty boy and he misses his team sports so much. I agree that the hardest thing is the lack of end date, the lack of anything to look forward to, absence of knowing when he can do the things he loves again, which is mainly contact sports. If it's just training he isn't interested, he wants to play, to compete. It's shit. Our DC, most of whom are at minimal risk from this virus, have been thrown under a bus. If they could just go back to school for six weeks, that would be something, but being Y7 and Y4 they almost certainly won't be back until Sept and DS1 certainly won't

Arrange for them to meet a friend outdoors with social distancing. This is now allowed. Prioritise that over schoolwork. Do it regularly. They need it (all children do)

This. Also grassroots football is looking more likely.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/closure-of-educational-settings-information-for-parents-and-carers/reopening-schools-and-other-educational-settings-from-1-june

but they do plan for them to go back before the holidays surely? it is not home until september?

Mine are 10 and 12, and the 10 year old especially has been v mopey over the last few weeks. Last night I contacted the mum of one of his friends and Ds and friend and some other friends had a chat on Google Hangouts (a text chat). He is like a different boy this morning, laughing, happy. Normally I wouldnt have let him near online chat for another year or so but I am having to rethink that under the circumstances. I am letting him download Google hangouts for his kindle, all the messages pop up on my ipad as well so I can keep an eye on him. I have also arranged some face calls over Whatsapp with other friends on my phone. Just think of it as arranging a playdate. "X has been missing her friends and wondered if y would like to have a chat on Whatsapp or Facetime or something". They have both met up with a friend in the park, social distancing as well