Please, Please help me. I don’t know what to do :(

[GabyAby84]

I genuinely feel like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m frightened and I’m struggling to cope.

I’m a 34 year old female.
BMI 32, I have psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis and mild asthma.
I was diagnosed many years ago, and since being diagnosed there have been several periods where I don’t take inhalers at all. I’m currently taking them again due to the ongoing pandemic.

I live with my husband he’s working from home.

We don’t leave the house unless it’s to use click and collect service for our shopping, but we get deliveries where we can.

I feel like I’m doing everything I can to avoid getting the virus but yet from the minute I wake up to the minute I go back to sleep, I’m in complete panic that I’ve caught it.

I literally cannot think of anything else.
I take my temperature several times a day, I’m worried I’ve got a cough or will develop one. Any slight throat tickle, body ache, or even feeling tired all just send me into a frenzy.

Every single day I feel like I have the biggest darkest cloud just looming over me.

I just cannot pick myself up from this.

I have a lovely group of friends and most weeks we have a girls night in. We do this over zoom and all make the effort to get ourselves glammed up, have a glass of wine and chat.

I’m starting to not even enjoy those, the girls all talk about future plans and things they’re excited about doing again, but i struggle to joint in as I don’t see a future for myself. I just feel like it’s a matter of time until my time is up.

I went for a walk a few days ago and as I came to the railway bridge I suddenly thought how easy it would be to jump, to end all of this constant worry and fear.

It frightened me so much as I’ve never ever felt like that before.

I’ve spoken to a Dr and they’ve suggested anti depressants and referred me for some counselling.

But that’s only going to help me come to terms with things. I’ve got to just learn to live like this haven’t I.
But how can I? It feels like complete and utter torture spending my days the way I do.

The days are just too hard. I’m driving myself, and my husband insane with my constant fear, crying and panic.

I know there will be a lot of people who are worried right now, I’m not alone.
But please please someone tell me how you manage?

I don’t see any point to my life right now.
I see no future.

I’ve stopped getting dressed and my days are just spend in my Pjs on the sofa waiting for symptoms to start and preparing to die. :(

Please someone tell me how to get over this, because I honestly don’t think I ever can or will.

[user1468953505]

My husband has psoriatic arthritis and he takes Methotrexate for it. Immunosuppressants do put you at a higher risk (so you are right to do everything you can to protect yourself).

However, the risk is elevated - it's not a high risk so it's important to keep things in perspective.

[Thighmageddon]

Gaby honestly was was having suicidal thoughts18 months ago, I had a really effective course of cbt, long term citalopram and was in regular contact with my gp.

Yes I'm struggling a little right now due to CV but everyone has noticed how much better I got over time.

Start the meds, give them a couple of weeks to begin to work and take any offer of cbt/counselling help offered. I thought cbt was nonsense but it really worked and I'd have it again too if needed.

Keep going.

[ducksback]

OP this is anxiety and depression. You are unwell. Take action to help yourself asap.
Take the medication from your GP. I take sertraline for this - it works very well. They take a week or two to really kick in but this drug literally saved my life.

[eeeyoresmiles]

You're always going to be at risk, but the sheer size of your personal anxiety is a separate issue. Proper clinical anxiety is a separate illness (and an awful one). It's not 'just anxiety'.

It's a bit like your anxiety is a psychological, rather than physical, immune system overreaction. Your mind is now inadvertently doing more harm than good. The ads will damp down that reaction, even though the original trigger will still there.

[GabyAby84]

@ eeeyoresmiles and it’s that risk that I’m
so frightened of. CV isn’t going anywhere so how can I ever live being happy again when this risk is hanging over me ☹️

[bridgetreilly]

OP, depression lies to you. It is a LIAR. At the moment you are caught in the grip of its lies. It lies that there's no point, that life isn't worth the effort, that you're going to die, so why bother.

THOSE ARE ALL LIES.

That's why you need the medication. Get the prescription today. Start as soon as you can.

[TARSCOUT]

Hello you poor thing. Your OP was.just heart wrenching. The AD will help because they will allow you to calm down and think rationally which is the first step. You've now got them so that's amazing because it shows you still want to live and to fight on. They will kick in and you will gradually see things a bit clearer. You need to try to stop thinking about it which I know isn't easy. Start by giving yourself a dedicated time to worry eg I will worry at 2pm for 10 minutes then 3pm or 4pm and start making the gaps bigger then eventually putting them off by 10 minutes etc. Start small, it will get better.

[Marpan]

Your medical conditions are All so common. It’s really nothing serious and don’t be worried about them.

Salt water and sunshine and healthy diet works wonders.

Try reading the book “the plant paradox” for your ailments. Healthy body healthy mind. It is a super good anti inflammatory diet that has been known to clear up skin problems. But creams
Like cerave will do this for you as well.

Use the time at home to exercise and SWEAT.

When you feel sad, exercise. Set a goal and stick to it.

It really will make you feel so much better.

As others have said, call helplines or your gp if you have feelings of depression.

[bridgetreilly]

CV isn’t going anywhere so how can I ever live being happy again when this risk is hanging over me

We all live with risk all the time. Long before CV we were all living with risk all the time. But our minds process the risk appropriately, recognise that it is small, and shouldn't stop our normal activity. That's how most of us are processing the CV risk as well. Your mind is what has changed, not the riskiness of life. That's why you need the medication.

[eeeyoresmiles]

I've been where you are and I know that hearing that the main problem is anxiety doesn't magically make the overwhelming worry go away. It is worth trying to repeat that idea to yourself though, because it's true. The extreme anxiety (and related depression) is a thing that is happening to you alongside being in a pandemic, and can be treated even while the pandemic carries on.

[amazedmummy]

OP I'm glad you have medication. I'm also taking citalopram for anxiety and depression although not CV related. For the first week/10 days I really thought I'd made a mistake in taking them. I felt worse. However I kept going as my DH encouraged me to. I'm so glad I did. By 2 weeks I felt better. Now 2 months later I feel like a different person. I feel much more like the "old" me. I don't know where I'd be without them.
They've stopped me being fixated on the things I was obsessed with. I can carry on with life, I hope they can help you too.

[ssd]

I feel the same as you op. I'm not brave enough to try medication. Please can you let me know if it works

[tara66]

I noted, quite alarmed, you said you came off your meds. because you want to start a family. Perhaps you should restore your mental health first, before having children?

[eeeyoresmiles]

*@eeeyoresmiles and it’s that risk that I’m
so frightened of. CV isn’t going anywhere so how can I ever live being happy again when this risk is hanging over me ☹️ *

You'll be able to because the ads (and other things in time like cbt) will damp down your mind's overreaction to the risk, to a manageable level. I know it seems unimaginable right now, but it's true.

It's as though you've been exposed to an allergen - one person might have a slightly itchy hand for half an hour, another hives all over their body. You've got the anxiety equivalent of extreme hives.

I've got a non-pandemic worry at the moment, and if I hadn't already been through something similar to you, I would be finding it overwhelming too. As it is, intrusive thoughts about it are popping up regularly and I have moments when my stomach just drops (when I had stopped thinking about it then suddenly remember). Then I try to step back from it mentally and remind myself that those sudden feelings of strong anxiety are not a sign that there's something catastrophically wrong - it's just my brain doing its usual thing of using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. I say to myself that yes, there's a slight cause for concern there, but I don't actually need to spend time thinking about the problem right now. Then my brain lets go of it again for a bit. Once, I would have kept on and on thinking about that thing while the fear just got more and more intense. It didn't help though. Antidepressants helped enormously, and if what I'm doing now stops being enough, I'll take them again for a while.

You will get through this, you really will, and you don't need to wait till after the pandemic to have the chance to feel more normal.

[GabyAby84]

@tara66


I noted, quite alarmed, you said you came off your meds. because you want to start a family. Perhaps you should restore your mental health first, before having children?

The meds I came off of were for my inflammatory arthritis.

I’ve never been on antidepressants before.

I’ve never even suffered with mental health before so had no reasons to question starting a family.

It’s very scary how much my life and mental health has changed so dramatically over the last few months.

It took a while for me to even speak to a GP as I wrongly assumed most people felt like me about this pandemic.

[Pinksmyfavoritecolour]

I’m on citalopram it will take 10 + days for them to start helping, they will make you tired to start with, go with them though, they will help.
You are at home and you are safe, this virus is scary but try and get some perspective on it, there’s 65 million people in the UK, yes a lot of people have caught it, and yes a lot of people have sadly passed, but the percentage of people is very very low, I don’t mean be blasé or break rules, but if you follow the guidelines you should be fine, we have to have faith This will pass, be kind to yourself xx

[Saladmakesmesad]

OP, I promise that you’re not always going to feel this way. You WILL be happy again.

Meds, CBT and exercise. Just put one foot in front of another for now, take the meds and in a while you’ll have a better day. Then a few more rubbish ones then another good one. Slowly the good days will start to outnumber the bad. You’ll feel like you’ve come out of a fog.

I absolutely promise you can and will feel better. This will pass.

[ppeatfruit]

I don't want to go on and I do understand you want to be med. free BUT you will really have to choose a specifically healthy way of eating and living, if you want to conquer your anxiety. As I said upthread cut out alchohol (seriously)

Check out your Blood Type by Dr. Peter D'Adamo, it explains why some foods create allergies for some people and others don't. Wheat has been known to give a lot of us bad side effects . There's a brilliant book called Wheat Belly by M.D. William Davis which explains a lot. You could use the books for giving you something to DO!!!!! Good Luck!!

[MitziK]

Increased disease activity affects your emotional state. Not just because of pain or skin plaques, it affects your mood.


When I wasn't on anything due to a change of hospital, I was a complete wreck, literally to the point of bawling my eyes out at the medical staff - one steroid shot later and I'm happily sitting at home, munching on a ton of lovely tapas/mezze by teatime.

I'm now on Biologics with the occasional steroid shot. My mood can still dip when I'm due for my next injection, but I never feel that awful anxiety and doom anymore.


You need to ask for a referral to Rheumatology/Dermatology (whoever is the shortest waiting time/is seeing patients, as they can both get you on the treatment pathways) to get the PsA & Psoriasis under control.


By the way, I've had the virus. It's shit, but obviously (in my case) not a death sentence.

Get the disease activity down and I can assure you that nothing will feel as bad as you do right now.

[MitziK]

By the way, you might actually be better off on biologics - the thing that is causing a lot of the fear is what is called a cytokine storm, where the immune response goes into overdrive - taking them could be reducing the likelihood of that happening. Humira is, according to lot of experts, also safe in pregnancy; it's used off label by private fertility clinics where there's thought to be an immune system component to women's difficulty in conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy - they wouldn't be doing that if they thought it was incompatible with pregnancy.

[ppeatfruit]

Taking Evening Primrose Oil twice a day and St John's Wort have been known to help with anxiety too.

[GabyAby84]

@mitzik

By the way, you might actually be better off on biologics - the thing that is causing a lot of the fear is what is called a cytokine storm, where the immune response goes into overdrive - taking them could be reducing the likelihood of that happening

I don’t think that’s the way it works.
I had a telephone consultation with my rheumatology team last week and had told them a lot of people with Psa were shielding and should I be doing the same.
She told me that people on immunosuppressants should shield as it means that the virus is more likely to replicate due to suppressed immune response being on the medication.

That’s what I was told anyway.

[Inkpaperstars]

As eeyore says your perception of the risk CV poses to you, and how much your brain responds to that perception, will change. In addition the actual risk will almost certainly lessen as more is learnt about the illness and treatments or even a vaccine emerge. If you are advised to shield, then you can do that for now at least.

Your poor brain has gone into an overdrive reaction. I have been there and it is horrible so I really feel for you. But I promise how you feel now is not based on any external reality or objective risk, it is a neurological process in your own mind that can and will be soothed.

I have found when I have been really bad with this type of thing that initially it seems that any improvement is impossible. The worries seem like immoveable realities and your responses feel uncontrollable. But actually although it seems that way, it really isn't. I have never woken up and suddenly been better, but if you take medication and try to challenge your thoughts and behaviours, things gradually improve. One day you suddenly realise you have done something you wouldn't have done the week before, and then a month after that you realise you've just done something without worry that would have seemed impossible not long ago.

It might not take you that long. But however long it takes, you will recover. You won't always feel this anxiety, I promise you. You have a future.

[GabyAby84]

Inkpaperstars - this is what I’m struggling with so much. Am I catasrophizing my actual risk? I keep trying to be rational but the way I feel I just can’t seem to do that.

I genuinely feel so at risk and I can’t seem to tell myself otherwise.

I feel so terrible. I want to live, I really do.
When I thought about jumping off the bridge I scared myself so much. I knew I didn’t want to do it, but the thought of escaping this fear, the awful thoughts, the panic. That’s what made me feel like jumping.

I hope the medication is my answer to escaping them

[MitziK]

@GabyAby84 Biologics aren't immunosuppressants, technically. My one is an anti-TNF medication.

I'm not shielding because I'm on Humira - as per my Rheumatology Team, who confirmed that I am not at significantly increased risk as a result.