Please, Please help me. I don’t know what to do :(

[GabyAby84]

I genuinely feel like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m frightened and I’m struggling to cope.

I’m a 34 year old female.
BMI 32, I have psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis and mild asthma.
I was diagnosed many years ago, and since being diagnosed there have been several periods where I don’t take inhalers at all. I’m currently taking them again due to the ongoing pandemic.

I live with my husband he’s working from home.

We don’t leave the house unless it’s to use click and collect service for our shopping, but we get deliveries where we can.

I feel like I’m doing everything I can to avoid getting the virus but yet from the minute I wake up to the minute I go back to sleep, I’m in complete panic that I’ve caught it.

I literally cannot think of anything else.
I take my temperature several times a day, I’m worried I’ve got a cough or will develop one. Any slight throat tickle, body ache, or even feeling tired all just send me into a frenzy.

Every single day I feel like I have the biggest darkest cloud just looming over me.

I just cannot pick myself up from this.

I have a lovely group of friends and most weeks we have a girls night in. We do this over zoom and all make the effort to get ourselves glammed up, have a glass of wine and chat.

I’m starting to not even enjoy those, the girls all talk about future plans and things they’re excited about doing again, but i struggle to joint in as I don’t see a future for myself. I just feel like it’s a matter of time until my time is up.

I went for a walk a few days ago and as I came to the railway bridge I suddenly thought how easy it would be to jump, to end all of this constant worry and fear.

It frightened me so much as I’ve never ever felt like that before.

I’ve spoken to a Dr and they’ve suggested anti depressants and referred me for some counselling.

But that’s only going to help me come to terms with things. I’ve got to just learn to live like this haven’t I.
But how can I? It feels like complete and utter torture spending my days the way I do.

The days are just too hard. I’m driving myself, and my husband insane with my constant fear, crying and panic.

I know there will be a lot of people who are worried right now, I’m not alone.
But please please someone tell me how you manage?

I don’t see any point to my life right now.
I see no future.

I’ve stopped getting dressed and my days are just spend in my Pjs on the sofa waiting for symptoms to start and preparing to die. :(

Please someone tell me how to get over this, because I honestly don’t think I ever can or will.

[welldonesquirrels]

If it helps at all, OP, I suffered from anxiety and intrusive thoughts for a while, about seven years ago. It was triggered by the death of a parent and I became terrified of a lot of irrational things (all around the theme of loss). I just felt like I had this constant heart pounding fear and sick cold feeling in my stomach and any time I felt even a little bit at peace, something would trigger it. It was such a horrible way to live and I really sympathise.

I had counselling, which massively helped. CBT techniques definitely helped a lot.

The good news is that you can absolutely get this under control. The bad news is that it's a gradual process and there's no switch to flick, but every day gets a little better.

I found it quite helpful to write down the thoughts I was having. I also found it really helpful, when having a scary thought, instead of going 'oh shit don't think that try not to think about that', I would just acknowledge the thought for what it was, just a thought, not reality, not a prophecy, just a thought. Talking things through with my husband also helped a lot. I cut way back on social media, sites like reddit and especially cut out tabloid news (reading the daily mail specifically was a massive anxiety trigger for me).

Regular exercise also helped a lot (I started running long distances to get peace of mind). A healthy diet is important. Cutting out caffeine and alcohol is also really important, both of these things make anxiety a million times worse. Taking up your concentration with something else might also help, distraction is good (baking, playing guitar, knitting and sewing have all helped me through many an anxiety attack).

Lastly, just always keep telling yourself, the problem isn't actually covid, you're low risk, you can take sensible precautions and you're very unlikely to develop complications if you catch it.

The problem is anxiety itself and covid is just the thing that your brain has chosen to latch on to. Don't lose sight of that.

Anyway, this is just based on my own experience, it might help or not but I hope you find something useful in it.

Take care and wishing you all the best.

[GabyAby84]

Thanks everyone. Yes I have a garden.
I like being outdoors but I’ve even found that top difficulty recently and so I stay indoors.

I’ve tried to find myself a good book, audio books, I even ordered some of the really complicated colouring books, something to focus on, but I really did just find it too hard to concentrate as my mind is so focused on CV and death.

I’ve been prescribed citalopram.

[Mawbags]

Op I have psoriasis too and understand where you’re coming from.

As far as I know, it’s the use of immunosuppressants that makes things more risky, Not having psoriasis in itself.

I can’t work out if I’m more at risk or less as I am not on immunosuppressant and also never ever get Ill so presumably have quite a strong immune system anyway.

I don’t think asthma is a risk factor although because you’ll know how awful it is to have breathing problems.

So maybe talk to your doctor about how best to manage to ur condition safely while this is going on?

[Mawbags]

Also supplementing with vitamins C and D will help both your immune system and your psoriasis. Vitamin D is well known for helping with psoriatic issues and also protects against CV

[eeeyoresmiles]

You're suffering from proper clinical anxiety - it's good (and essential) that you're going to take the ads.

One thing to try to understand is that how anxious you feel right now is not a measure of the real risk, but that's how your brain is treating it. There's a sort of feedback loop going on where the more anxious you feel, the more your brain sees "Danger!" and adds even more anxiety, so then it sees even more danger, and so on...

The real underlying risk of the virus is much more manageable than the spiralling clinical anxiety that's been triggered in you, and when the ads have started to work you'll find that much easier to live with. That's the anxiety we all need to live with - not your brain's current spiralling, looping, over-reaction.

It's a bit like your brain is having a massive allergic reaction to the news. The ads will stop the overreaction even though the fundamental facts about the pandemic won't go way. You don't need the pandemic to go away for this huge anxiety to go away - it's not just something you need to live with.

One thing that can help is to say to yourself and to other people "I'm experiencing very bad anxiety right now" the same way you might say "I'm experiencing bad morning sickness right now" or "I've got earache today". Anxiety is a symptom in itself. Noticing when you're feeling it badly or less badly, just observing that fact as if you're noticing whether or not you have period pain today, can help your brain not to interpret it as a danger signal so you then feel even more anxious.

Good luck with the ads, they really should make all the difference.

[GabyAby84]

I’m not on any medication for my conditions (except asthma)
You’re right it’s the immunosuppressants that are the risk, but I still feel very unhealthy having these conditions :(

[Weallhavevalidopinions]

Your anxiety and general mental health are probably more damaging to you than actually catching the virus would be.

Take advice from your doctor and follow it, use medication to help temporarily with controlling your anxieties.

Go out into the sunshine for your mental health just stay over 2m from others.

This will pass and in the meantime take whatever help you need to get through it.

[tara66]

My daughter did the steroid withdrawal program after a life long suffering with eczema, psoriasis, asthma. Under guidance of a well respected homeopathist in France (who is also a GP). It is a very strict diet taylored to the individual. It took over 18 months and was very difficult - some people take years to withdraw from steroids which is what the doctors offer. She is very much better and her skin is good.

[Salome61]

Big hugs to you, I am sorry you are suffering so.

[eeeyoresmiles]

You could be 100% officially healthy right now, no asthma, no psoriasis, perfect BMI, and you could still feel just as anxious, because this spiralling, looping clinical anxiety is a separate thing in itself.

In fact I can guarantee to you that out there in the world of sufferers from severe health anxiety focused on the coronavirus, there will be some people with no official risk factors for the virus.

Covid 19 is an illness you (and all of us) might suffer from one day, and we all have different risk factors for it. Severe anxiety is the illness you're suffering from right now though. Your mind is trying to resolve the problem by obsessively thinking about coronavirus, but it's looking in the wrong place, and inadvertently making things worse.

[Thighmageddon]

You will be fine in the long run.

Psoriatic arthritis doesn't go hand in hand with depression for some, there's been studies on it and my rheumy told me I was higher risk for depression.

Caniask why you're not on meds?

I found the less well controlled the PsA was, the worse the depression became.

Disease is now well controlled and I've had counselling and citalopram and I'm trying to hold my own through this.

Things will get better, they will.

[Thighmageddon]

Edit- psoriatic arthritis DOES go hand in hand with depression for some.

[Thinkingabout1t]

I hope you can get some help from the advice here and from your GP, Gaby. I don't think your risk is as high as you imagine it is, but I know anxiety is a terrible thing and can completely skew your view of the world. I wish you peace of mind and good health.

[Howmanysleepsnow]

@GabyAby84 My husband has the same conditions as you. He is also on the shielded list due to the immunosuppressants he takes for them. He is also older than you and male.
He has had, and recovered from, Covid19. It is not a death sentence.
Take care of your mental health. It’s ok to not feel ok. Get the antidepressants, and try to get a routine of some sort. Spend time outside as you’ve said it helps. Get daily exercise (indoors or outdoors) and if you feel up to going for a walk go with your DH so you feel safer from any impulses to harm yourself.
How does the news effect you? If knowing what’s happening helps then make sure you keep track of things (it really helps me to feel in control and able to plan so I read everything from news to medical research!) but if it makes you overthink don’t read it.
Do what you can to improve your health and immunity (vitamin c and d, plenty of fluid, fresh and dried fruit, green vegetables, take antihistamines if indicated, exercise). Allow yourself downtime and don’t be too hard on yourself. A&E mental health teams are still around if you need them in a crisis and have hardly any waiting times where I am.

[YouokHun]

I think the ADs will help take the edge off things but you may find the effect takes a week or two to settle so you need to give them a bit of a chance to work.

When you go back to the GP check exactly what she/he is referring to when they say “counselling” as GPs sometimes use the term rather generally. I think you need to check that the referral is for CBT specifically as this is the best approach for anxiety. It’s not so much coming to terms with your anxiety as coming to terms with how your thinking and behaviour are maintaining how you’re feeling, recognising unhelpful patterns and testing whether what you’re currently doing is valid, and then building strategies to think and behave differently. That isn’t mean to downplay how you’re feeling OP or diminish it in anyway but it’s a tangle and by breaking it down it’s possible to see a way to improve things, and it IS possible to improve how you’re feeling, often greatly.

I’m a CBT therapist and the online provision is growing all the time. In fact you could self refer to your local IAPT (NHS talking therapies provision) yourself if you prefer which you should be able to google. Alternatively for BABCP accredited therapies have a look at the CBT Register for private practitioners most of whom can offer CBT online. I wish you the best with your anxiety recovery. Feel free to message me if I can give you any info x

[YouokHun]

BABCP accredited therapists* not therapies!

[Whatsthis1515]

Hi, you poor thing. I do get it. I had a few weeks feeling the same (I'm 29 years old, type 1 diabetic, asthma and probably a little overweight). However, my GP increased my dose of antidepressants and it's honestly stopped me obsessing. Also helped that I spoke to my diabetic team who said that they are not seeing any excess hospital admissions with type 1 diabetes - yet all over the news, 'diabetes' is plastered everywhere.

Please take those tablets. You will suddenly find that you're not thinking about it so much as it eases.

Also, stay away from the media and even Mumsnet. So many people on here are just not very helpful and are feeding the terror of a virus that quite honestly, we are so much more likely to survive that not, even with health issues. Even 95 year olds have more chance of surviving it than not. It is NOT a terminal illness I promise.

Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk
X

[Gwynfluff]

The medication will help things and will then leave you in a better place todo some CBT type counselling to allow yourself to have a different narrative about the risk. If you’ve also started to sleep poorly due to anxiety this will be impacting and making it worse.

So sorry you are feeling like this. We always live with a degree of risk so you can move to a point where you have strategies in place to manage. But you need to reduce your high levels of anxiety first.

[Happymum12345]

I felt this way for years and years & I finally took medication & feel so much better for it. The dr virtually forced me to take them or he wouldn’t see me again-I was a regular visitor to the drs due to thinking I had every illness going. I also had therapy, which was helpful. Health anxiety robs you of everyday. I’ve wasted years worrying. Take the medicine & remember this will pass.

[thetemptationofchocolate]

I've been where you are, where I couldn't see a future that I wanted to be in. The ADs will help (although be aware that you may feel worse before they start to make you feel better - stick with it).
There WILL be an end to the way you are feeling, there really will. For now though I would recommend not beating yourself up because you don't want to read/make stuff/do anything. You need to rest a lot IMO, depression & anxiety are quite exhausting enough without adding any other activity into the mix. If you need to spend all day in bed, do it. If you want to do no more than stare at junk tv, then do it. Be kind to yourself as you have already taken the grown-up option of consulting with the doctor. That's a big step and you should feel proud of yourself for doing it.

[GabyAby84]

@ Thighmageddon I’m not on meds as I came off to start a family.

I was offered Cimzia which is safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding but my preference was to be med free.

[Marsalimay]

OP I recommend the work of Dr Rangan Chatterjee. I find his work extremely accessible, he comes from a good place and his work is research-based and reflective.

Reading- you could start with The Four Pillar Plan.
Listening - Try his podcast conversations. For example, #94 Is everything you know about depression wrong?
Watching - You can find the episode descriptions on the BBC site and then watch them on YouTube.

[bridgetreilly]

Take the Citalopram. Be aware that for the first couple of weeks, you may feel worse - tired, lethargic, uninterested in the world. But once they start working, they can literally just make you feel like your normal self again.

We're all dealing with some extra worry at the moment, but I promise, the way you are describing yourself is not normal. The drugs will help you get your head back to normal, so that it can process the situation more realistically and help you to deal with everything better. The reality is that your pre-existing conditions do not put you in the very vulnerable category. Even if you get CV by far the most likely outcome is that you would be fine.

[GabyAby84]

Will I actually get past this?

It’s giving me some hope seeing these responses, but how bad I feel I just don’t understand how I will get past it.

I’m sol hopeful the meds will help, but it CV is still around (which it will be for a long time yet) then I don’t see my fear / anxiety / depression ever going as I’m always going to be at risk.

[GabyAby84]

This morning I did a zoom call for a weight loss class im part of.

There were people doing it from their gardens talking about enjoying the afternoon in the sun. I want so badly to be able to feel like I can do things like that, but I just can’t right now.
I have such a gloomy feeling hanging over me. It took so much effort today just to get dressed to do the zoom call.
I just keep thinking what is the point. What is the point in even trying to be healthy and eat well or do the zoom call.

All I can focus on is sitting around waiting to die.

I’m sorry to sound so negative but this is honestly how bad I feel :(