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Am I right to be angry about this?

42 replies

Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 16:56

My MIL and FIL are both very high risk. Both are in their Late 70s and loads of health conditions. MIL is grossly obese, loads of health conditions and is bed ridden for days even if she just gets a common cold. FIL overweight and has diabetes.

When lockdown started we insisted that we do their shopping. I am very careful and wipe down all their shopping before giving to them. Its an inconvienience but I dont want them to die basically so dont mind. I also collect their prescriptions etc.

Last week I got a call from the doctor saying he was worried my MIL is hording her medication or overdosing as she keeps trying to order too much. So he decided she cant be trusted anymore and he was switching her to a new system where her medicationis pre-measured into days. I agreed, she tends to self medicate when she feels better or worse taking more or less than she should. I was asked to bring back all her old medication for the switch, I asked her and she gave me piles of the stuff.

The same day she amitted to my DH that she had decided to keep a bit of each medication. No reason other than she wanted to and no one tells her what to do. I am furious because she will just continue as before and I will have to clean up this mess when the doctor figures it out again. Me cleaning up their mess has been going on for years, they lie to everyone HMRC, doctors, pharmacy, bank, etc. And when they get caught out I am the one on the phone trying to fix the mess.

Then yesterday I look at the shopping list and think, why is it that even though I have been shopping for her for 6 weeks now. She never asks for meat, cleaning stuff, toilet paper, etc. Only just fruit, veg, milk and bread. I asked DH and he said I must drop it. It ends up they have been shopping at Sainsburys weekly and just give me a little list of other stuff to keep me happy. Essentially lying to me so that I dont hassle them about leaving their house, catching Covid and possible dying!

I have been doing all this and they are lying to me constantly. They are going shopping and giving me a little list to shut me up and let me think I am helping them. I am furious! I am putting myself and family at risk with these inconvient extra shopping trips. I am now not speaking to DH as when I try and bring it up he tells me to just 'drop it'. Clearly doesnt give a rats that his parents are lying or that they are risking themselves and others.

I am also concerned that they live in a very close retirement comunity, I saw my FIL shke his elderly friends hand on Saturday! What if they get it from supermarket and spread it to their community of very elderly???

Dont know what to do? Do I just carry on like normal pretending I dont know, letting the anger boil up inside? Do I tell them they can carry on doing their own shopping and stop doing these silly little trips which they clearly dont need? Do I buy stuff not on their list, stuff I think they must need so that they have no reason to go to Sainsburys weekly? I just dont know!

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 07/05/2020 17:01

Honestly, I'd just disengage. They sound like they're taking the piss. Why is their GP calling you in the first place? Surely, if anyone, he should be calling your DH? You sound like a lovely person but I'd direct your energies to people who actually deserve the help.

Myneighboursnorlax · 07/05/2020 17:04

I would just step back and stop doing anything. Stop doing their shopping, stop dealing with the GP, just let them get on with it. If they ask for help, it’ll have to be down to your DH in future.

HeidiHoNeighbour · 07/05/2020 17:06

Why does your DH allow them to disrespect you?
He is equally lying to you though.
Him telling you to “drop it” is a bit like patting you on the head with “don’t you worry pet”.

Stop. Just stop.
None of them are taking anything seriously and you could do so much better for people who deserve your help.

heroku · 07/05/2020 17:07

I agree, just leave them be. I know this is morbid but if they are late 70s and have loads of health conditions, including being morbidly obese, then there are plenty of reasons to be worried about them dying - not just coronavirus. People need to help themselves if they are to be helped and it doesn't sound like they want to do that.

GinGinHooray · 07/05/2020 17:14

It is absolutely time to disengage. Pass any GP queries and calls etc. on to your DH.

I would not do this in an angry, bitter way by flouncing off (even though you are fully entitled to be very annoyed) I would very calmly tell your DH & PIL that you are stepping back as they seem to find your help overbearing, that you won't be offering you services to them anymore as they seem to be coping just fine. In a kind yet firm way.

And then you really do need to step away (it sounds as if you will struggle with this part...) but you need to be firm with yourself and stop trying to fix things for them.

Perhaps put your energy into helping neighbours and friends who welcome some support or volunteer somewhere that needs and appreciates you.

icelollycraving · 07/05/2020 17:14

Disengage. They are utterly selfish. Don't speak to the GP, don't help with shopping. Twats.

Topseyt · 07/05/2020 17:17

Just stop doing their shopping. They have no intention of not going shopping themselves, and you can't enforce it. So disengage.

mbosnz · 07/05/2020 17:24

I'd be done, I'm sorry. How unappreciative, how disrespectful of them - and your DH.

They could go to the devil their own way, and just as quick as they like, if that's their attitude. His parents, his problem.

Anyone ringing me about anything to do with his parents, the phone would be handed to him, without a word.

Windyatthebeach · 07/05/2020 17:27

Is your dh usually such a doormat to his dps?

Spudina · 07/05/2020 17:29

Not your circus, not your monkeys OP. Leave em to it. Your DH is an arse. She could really do herself some harm misusing her medications like that. But it’s really not your problem. Enjoy the break!!

Pipandmum · 07/05/2020 17:32

Why are you doing this not their sin? Hand it over to him to deal with.

Goatymcgoaty · 07/05/2020 17:42

Well your DH has invited you to drop it, so i’d take him up on it.

I tried to do the grocery shopping for my father in the first week of lockdown, but very quickly found the same as you. I’d be in a Tesco queue for an hour, then struggling round the shop to find a few items for him, - later that day he’d text to say how he’d popped to Lidl as part of his exercise. I gave up the second time it happened - no point in two of us risking catching it. He remains adamant to this day that as long as he’s 2m away from anyone then it’s fine.

Why are you so worried that they’ll catch it and die? They and your DH don’t seem worried at all. Do you think they are not capable of grasping the potential risk to them (my parent isn’t either)?

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 07/05/2020 17:57

Why did the doctor call you? That’s a gross breach of trust and I’m pretty sure it breaks the data protection law too.

If you didn’t know they were going out how did you see your FIL shaking his neighbours hand?

Why are you dictating their lives and interfering when they clearly don’t want you to?

Something seems massively off about all of this.

Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 18:06

I am going to leave it and not do their shopping again.

OP posts:
Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 18:07

I will speak to DH later.

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heroku · 07/05/2020 18:07

Good for you

heroku · 07/05/2020 18:08

Sorry I meant that sincerely, I didn't mean to sarcastic!

Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 18:09

The GP rings the house phone and I answer it.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/05/2020 18:10

Last week I got a call from the doctor saying he was worried my MIL is hording her medication or overdosing as she keeps trying to order too much. So he decided she cant be trusted anymore and he was switching her to a new system where her medicationis pre-measured into days

How can the doctor talk to you without breaking patients confident? Weird

Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 18:11

@heroku

Don't worry, I didn't take in a sarcastic way anyway.

OP posts:
Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 18:11

@ivykaty44

The agreement has always been that they ring me and my DH.

OP posts:
Disneylover4321 · 07/05/2020 18:12

@GinGinHooray

I will help my friend as she would really appreciate it.

Have sent you a PM x

OP posts:
Disneylover4321 · 11/05/2020 17:19

My DH has only just decided now to come to me and apologise!

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 11/05/2020 17:24

Is he sorting her a nomad box? Might be first the best

Disneylover4321 · 11/05/2020 17:26

@slipperywhensparticus

What is a nomad box??

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