AIBU to be scared DH has been told he has to go back to work on Monday when we have a medically vulnerable child?

[1800swoman]

My DH has been told he has to return to work tomorrow before the end of lockdown and our 11 year old Autistic son also has medical issues that in our view put him at great risk from the Corona virus, however like so many people with severe and chronic medical conditions he has not been included on the list.

Our son can and has on many occasions suffered anaphalactic shock as a reaction to viral infections this includes, breathing difficulties due to constriction of his airways with wheeze, extremely high high temperatures, lip swelling and tongue swelling and collapse. Reactions commonly last for 2 weeks or more and on 7 occasions after collapse we have had to call paramedics and be rushed to hospital during bouts of flu which he gets every year inspite of having a flu jab. This is not an exaggeration to say a severe reaction could kill him. My DH believes that if he says to his boss he cannot go back to work he will be dismissed and that having a conversation with his boss about remaining furloughed is not even a possibility. To me it is clear that our son's safety comes before all other considerations. DH sees this but is unable to make the call.

The issue for me is not about the furloughing we would be happy with the other options to buy us a bit more time....

But how much time is a 'bit more'?

Surely you're going to be in this position until a vaccine becomes available?

He can take annual leave I think. To be honest he's lucky to have a job and in six months when the economy has tanked you'll be grateful for it!

The shielding letter (DH is in the shielding group) says if family members are out and about then you need to shield in the house, separate rooms, bathroom etc

You should really talk to your DS's doctor, to understand what they perceive the risk to be and what he should do right now to reduce the risks e.g. taking vitamin D, having a spare inhaler at home, daily antihistamines, epipen, buy an oximeter to keep an eye on his oxygen levels... I'm guessing wildly here based on what you've said, but a doctor would have firm ideas of what is needed. You might all feel calmer if you have a clear plan for protecting him in all eventualities, and of course he would then be safer if he catches it. Even if you clean everything, there is a tiny risk of your DH being asymptomatic initially, but then there's tiny risk from even the daily walk, you could honestly drive yourselves crazy. Everyone can't stay off forever, so unless either you or your DH can get a job that allows you to work from home you need a plan that's robust enough to work for the next year or so.

Yes your son basically needs to stay in his room.

OP, when the schools go back will you be homeschooling your DC?

Your son is most likely less at risk from this than the flu. What do you do in normal years?

Two of my family members are classed as key workers so have still been going into work, despite another household member being on the vulnerable list.

They initially took a combination of annual leave and unpaid leave. Now they follow a similar process to the one @ScarredBunny set out and it’s working well.

If there is enough work, he cannot continue to be furloughed. If he is concerned, he needs to look into using a combination of annual leave, dependents leave and unpaid leave - but also be aware that work can reject the requests for unpaid leave.

Sadly you will not be the only ones in this situation, you also need to think about countless other people who are in a similar situation but are managing.

He will be fine. He will be wearing a mask and gloves and washing his hands presumably.

Apparently very UNLIKELY to have a job in a couple of months

Have you spoken to your sons doctor OP? It sounds like you’ve decided he’s vulnerable yourselves, but that may not be the case.

As PPs have said - you have decided your son needs to shield when there is no evidence to suggest this is the case. All shielding info is available online, you can follow this if you wish, no one is stopping you. But even with a shielding letter for your son, your DP would still need to go to work. You all just need to follow the shielding guidance if you are that concerned.

Why dont you want to take the option of following shielding guidance while your husband works?

Not putting out there for any sympathy but perhaps contextualises fear a bit, which trust me am doing my best to rationalise. Having been told once in my DS life by doctors that they weren't sure he would make it and waiting a week to find out if he would - not a situation I would want to revisit or wish on my worst enemy (sorry about the cliche)

OP, realistically when would you want your DH to go back to work?

And will your DS be going back to school?

I am immunosuppressed and at high risk and am living with a hospital dr who works on a CV19 ward for half his shifts and in acute wards for the rest so has actual contact with people who definitely have or potentially have been infected.
We have had to change the way we live to reduce risks
We 'decontaminate' DH when he gets in, work scrubs are put in a washable bag at work, work clothes get taken off at the back door by the washing machine and straight in. He then goes straight up for a full shower.
We check his temperature every day. We don't share cars.
I've changed my meds to reduce my risk (no steroids as on top of the other drugs they would make me more vulnerable ) and have taken advice from my consultant.
You need to be realistic that the world is not going to stand still and that you need to reduce your risks in a practical and realistic manner. I've been immunosuppressed for over 20yrs so I've had practice at reducing risks otherwise every flu season or chicken pox (huge risk for me) outbreak would have me paralysed, my husband & I would never be able to work and my kids would not be able to go to school.

My best mate is textbook Covid death material - male, 49, obese, diabetic, immune compromised. His mother is immune compromised due to multiple medications. His wife has to work because she works for the Police and there is no way his mother can cope alone in her house. Both of them are shielding as much as they can, but as he is also blind, he can't manage by himself.

His wife goes from her car to the shower before anything else. Then she cleans the bathroom. Then she comes out and they get on with the rest of the day/evening. On her days off or when she has a late shift, she takes essential things and looks after his mother before coming back and going to work.

It’s unclear from your post, but has your DH even discussed this with work?

Your DH definitely needs to have a discussion with his employer. We have a similar situation but my son has received a letter, despite having less medical issues than your DS. (I would contact your GP to clarify). My employer has agreed to pay me for some of the 12 weeks shielding period and I have agreed to use some holiday. I was very surprised they were so helpful.

With an autistic child it isn't always as easy as distancing in the home. I think when I do go back I will just have to minimise the risks as far as possible. Your DH definitely needs to communicate with his employer though, give them the opportunity to help minimise risks and worry. I hope they can work with him to find a solution you can all cope with.

We have a similar situation but my son has received a letter, despite having less medical issues than your DS. (I would contact your GP to clarify).

The important question here is are any of your sons conditions on the list?

We will be in the same situation soon. Dh is shielding ( severe asthma). goodness knows what we will do when the kids have to go back to school / college ( years 10 and 12 so essential/ crucial years), and I have to go back to work in my hospital setting. I have suggested DH look for a flat where he can shield whilst we resume 'normal' life but obviously he isn't keen and thinks it will all be fine with a bit of extra handwashing !!

Does your DS have any cognitive impairment OP or will he understand a new set of rules once your DH returns to work? My DS has autism but is a great rule-follower and no one is following social-distancing advice better than him, God help anyone who gets too close!

Even if your DS end up being shielded, it doesn’t stop family members working. My DH is shielded as is a transplant patient and I’m an NHS nurse. We are never in the same room now but are still living in the same house.

@ScarredBunny gives good practical advice, it is possible. I’m not eligible for paid leave from the NHS and neither are any colleagues in the same boat, we can get free hotel accommodation but colleagues have found that the novelty of that soon wears off and who know how long this could go on for.

I’m glad I just concentrated on how I could make this game as safe as possible within the home.

Also depending on what job your DH does, OP, he may be able to socially distance at work.

While most NHS workers who live with vulnerable people can't there are other jobs where it is possible.

Is your DH a me to stay with anyone else or in temporary accommodation?

I’m in the vunerable group. DH steps through the front door straight into the bathroom and has a long hot shower. His clothes immediately go into the wash. He works outside but wears gloves and carries alcohol gel at work

We are in the same situation, DS (13) is shielding but both DH and I are key workers so still working. We can’t work from home so have no choice. It isn’t ideal but all we can do is be extra careful. I sometimes feel that shielding children are a forgotten group that don’t get mentioned. We have not been given any advice from the hospital or GP and just told it’s a grey area as the government haven’t issued any specific advice for children.

My son has asthma and respiratory issues and I have heart complications but we aren't on any lists and I know we'll all have to go back to normal soon. I get the whole thing about changing clothes, cleaning, showering etc but what happens if someone gets I'll and doesnt know/asymptomatic no amount washing is going to help us is it?

I think all we can do is stay clean, socially distance and hope for the best. Life will go on whether we like it or not. My own son nearly died from pneumonia so I understand your concern and distress.

OP, I think your DH should definitely have a conversation with his boss about the situation. I can see that not returning may not be an option, but the conversation may concentrate the minds of those at work re additional safety measures that could be put in place.