Oh fuck I've got the Rage

[CrystalDeCanter]

I'm so sad and angry and fucking ragey about this fucking virus.

My dh has lost his job due to this sodding shut down. This means we are now utterly skint and at risk of losing our home and having to move the kids from their lovely local school.

DH is in a massive depression and really really difficult to live with and I know it's not his fault but he's really hard to live with and it's SO hard to keep everything going on my own.

We live O/S (hence the posting time) and I was due to come home for the first time in 2 1/2 years and see my family in May but obv that is now not going to happen.

My brother in the UK has been ill with CV and I'm terrified that my parents will get sick - they are elderly and being careful but they live in a hot spot. I just want to see them and give them a hug and look after them. (I do realise that I am not alone in this, no one can see their family members and I feel for you all).

My lovely elderly and frail friend in now in hospital with this thing and I'm so sad for her and her elderly and frail husband who is trying to deal with this on his own.

It's all so bloody sad and scary. I watch the UK news in horror - I really must stop that. It's so shit.

Without us becoming ill we may easily lose everything we have work for years for. It's devastating.

Sorry for the whinge, I know so many people are dealing with this and so much worse. It's just getting to me today.

Hey I'm around. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I do think that empty houses and people on streets won't be allowed to happen, I don't know where you are, but to stop anarchy I suspect a lot of leeway on mortgage payments and eviction.

Is your brother recovering well?

I just wanted you know know someone was reading and here.

Thanks Detroit that's so kind of you.

My brother is now out of hospital, still weak but no longer so terrifying thank God.

Are you in Detroit? How's things there?

Im west coast nowadays. You US based?

I'm pleased to hear your brother is doing well. It must be so worrying to not be able to help.

Are your parents managing to shield?

Things are wierd and tough, but I live semi rurally so I'm not in too much danger as long as I keep away from the idiots and protestors.

Try not to worry about the house. Just stay put. The normal rules are no longer in play.

I am raging too Crystal, the world has been turned upside down. I have lost my job too and can’t sleep as worrying about where the next penny is coming from. Fuck
Covid-19 and all the damage it has done and continues to do
Detroit, have been following you, how are things?

I'm sorry to read about your circumstances. Its ok to be upset - you don't need to feel guilty about it.. Yes there are others in worse situations but that doesn't mean you aren't hurting. If you broke your leg, you would still be in pain and need care and painkillers even if the person in the next bed had two broken legs. Sorry, does that make sense - I know what I'm trying to say but not sure I got it out quite right.
I think a lot of people are feeling deeply anxious. You are not alone in feeling this way.
I am awake at 3am because tonight I have suddenly developed a huge sense of panic that I will never see my daughter again and I'm missing her dreadfully. She lives with her boyfriend several hundred miles away, and in all honesty I probably wouldn't have seen her in this time period anyway. But it just suddenly struck me that if she gets sick I won't be able to be there, and though she is an adult she is still my baby and it physically hurts to think of her suffering and me not being with her, or of me dying and never seeing her again. It is totally illogical. Neither of us is even ill. But we are isolating as my husband has mild symptoms and one of her boyfriend's relatives is in hospital so I am lying here trying not to think of worst case scenarios. We're ok financially so far, but the company my husband mainly works for is in difficulty so that could change.
Sorry, moaning about myself isnt much help I know, but at least you know that there are others all over the world with the same kind of feelings and worries. Hopefully the fact that the economic effects are so far reaching will mean that steps will have to be taken to protect people. Things will never be the same again, but hopefully they wont be as bad as we fear. Im glad your brother is recovering and hope all the rest of your family stay well.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your job 769.

I'm ok. A lot of bad stuff happened to me already, so I didn't have far to fall living standards wise!

How is your friend doing, crystal? You must be so worried for everyone. Are you taking care of yourself?

I feel for you all.

I've struggled to sleep too, Mrs Avocet. Pretty intense nightmares. I hope you get to see your daughter very soon.

I've been praying a lot. It's the only thing that helps me feel calmer.

I am so sorry to hear all the things that have happened to you.
I dont see it as whinging but a tragic and brave summary of what some people are going through.
Thank yuo for sharing, there are still so many ppl who have no idea of whats going on and how their actions effect other ppls lives.

It absolutely sucks, OP. I love the States, and I'm generally annoyed by America-bashing, but it's times like this that I miss the UK safety net something fierce. Both governments have been inept, but there's so much more protection in the face of catastrophe in the UK. And there's something deeply unsettling about being so far away from home.

I wish all the best to you and your family and friends.

Thanks Detroit
She is putting on a brave face but I know she is scared. She works freelance and is struggling financially which doesn't help. But I do have faith that we will come through it in the end.It us just rather shaky faith tonight.
I hope things improve for you too. I am the "coper" in our family. Always calm, always fix things for everyone. I hate that I can't be that now, but maybe I will learn and become a better person as a result.

MrsAvo, you sound very caring and lovely. You must take care of yourself. As a dear friend of mine says, you can't help others if you don't put your own emotional oxygen mask on first.

I'll add you to my prayers, if it doesn't offend you.

MrsAvo, you do sound caring and lovely (as do you Detroit). I'm sorry you're both struggling at the moment. MrsArvo, I am the coper too. Tbh I want someone else to cope for a bit. Just so I can have a break. I have a full on job which I love, but it's hugely busy. So that plus all the worrying about family and kids and homelessness (yelp!) and husband plus a sodding global pandemic makes me feel overwhelmed.

MrsAvo, I too feel that panic that I will never see my family again. I think about it in the quiet small hours and TERRIFY myself.

Nancy your line about it being deeply unsettling being away from 'home' rings so true. I am currently obsessed with watching Grand Designs and Midsomer Murders just so I can stare at England in the background and feel a bit closer.

Psalm 91 helps me when I get terrified. Maybe it will also comfort someone else.

I'm with you, I'm trying to keep perspective that we are all still healthy at the moment but it really sucks. We lived the expat life for a year then DH was made redundant so we are back home, we had sold our flat here so have some savings that we were working hard to get a house with but that means we qualify for no support. I'm going back to work next week so that we dont spend every penny of our house deposit but I'm a nurse so on the front line with a 3 month old baby at home.

Sorry you are going through this too, a lot of our friends are in the same situation and most of the expat fb groups are full of people selling furniture as quickly as they can to get back home. I know its just money but it's hard when its something you have saved so hard for, whole thing seems pretty pointless now.

Sorry you are all experiencing this. I know we are supposed to be, "All in this together" but being 'in it' from a country estate that has been in your family for centuries is quite a bit different to the majority.

Jent, interesting that the ex-pats you know want to head back to the UK. Here (Australia) no one can go anywhere but I think the last place most people would chose to go is the UK at the moment.

sashh who are you referring to?

@DetroitTheTourist Psalm 91 is comforting. We've read it lots online as a group.

Op, another way to look at this might be that you are meant to go home, be back in England closer to your family. Maybe CoVid has really made you realise how much they mean to you, and as nice as life is overseas ( I lived overseas for 6 years) it can not replace family.

So yes it is awful your dh has lost his job and things may have to change, but some of the darkest moments are often those that provide the biggest catalyst for a change for the better. You may look back on this moment in a different way in the future. Yes, it is an awful time for everyone in the world, UK included, but it is important to realise that it will pass (for now)

If we are all to live in a life of lockdowns and travel restrictions then at some point you will have to decide where you most want to be. Life is not going to go back to how it used to be, where we jump in a plane at a moments notice, and fly anywhere. Living overseas now has a whole new meaning, it really does, and if my dh was so severely depressed, and life was as hard as you are describing, I would be looking to make some very big changes, if nothing more than getting much more support and help, because you are in danger of sinking with the strain.

Many many expats are going to be returning after this pandemic for sure. The lack of air travel, lack of support, intermittent lockdowns, job losses and lack of decent healthcare (outside western countries) will have many reassessing their lives.
You are one of many tens of thousands not being able to sleep because you did not bank on air travel grinding to a halt overnight with no end in sight. My heart goes out to those that feel frightened by the situation, terrified never to see their families again and trapped overseas. I feel for you I really do. Of everyone's situation, expats are in a uniquely difficult position.

Hi Biscuit, unfortunately there is no way that DH would return back to the UK, it's not his home. He is Australian to the core, he did 15 years in the UK and hasn't been back since we moved back here.

To be honest, I (mostly) love it here, the distance is an absolute fucker but if I forced the issue about moving home, I would be dragging a very unwilling dh with me - and 3 unwilling children. They were all born here. I am the stranger.

crystal You have some very difficult decisions to make, it is no fun feeling like a stranger, and even less fun living with someone so mentally unwell day in and day out.

If you have great friends this may go someway to providing extra support, but I am not sure I could stick it out given the state of the your situation which may only get worse. How old are your children?

You have spent 15 years of your life living elsewhere for him, the fact he refuses to even entertain the idea of moving back to the UK for you says an awful lot about him.

The lockdown will pass, the air travel will resume at some point but the prices are going to rocket. Things will go back to a new kind of normal. Hard decisions will have to be made by many as to the future though, because we are in this for the long haul for sure.

I'm sorry for the current situation, you are all right, it's shit and it's totally ok to be raging at it.

We're very lucky in that our jobs are currently secure, I'm in the NHS and DH is able to work from home in higher education, although not much work gets done as we have a 19 month old at home too. We are very lucky DH's bosst is being understanding so far, but I know it can't last forever.

We also have missed several trips, as well as a wedding that was supposed to be in a few weeks, gutted we'll miss catching up with our friends and family.

It is desperately sad for a lot of people, somewhat less annoying for some. The worst affected are those whose loved one/s died as a result of CV. They can't even arrange a funeral how they would like it to be and forget seeing them breathe their last in a hospital.

A lot of people will have lost their jobs all together as businesses go under. It always filled me with rage when people got into financial diffuculties and some snot said it was there own fault for not putting at least 3 months pay aside. If peoples' situations were financially shit before they lost their jobs, and were just about getting by, how the f*ck can they put something by? A lot of people who never dreamed they would be in that position now sadly will be and it is not their fault.

I am still working which is just as well. I do not have a partner. Work is sporadic and I am not even going to worry about what if.