Can’t cope any more with two kids

[Napqueen1234]

I’m so so sick of this lockdown it hurts.

I know the reasons and am not and will not flout the rules.

But I’m exhausted. A 15 week old teething and 4 month regression and demanding 2.8 year old. We are isolating with my parents since the start and my DH is incredibly supportive. And I’m still not coping at all. I cry every day and lie in bed awake even when the baby is asleep thinking of ways to kill myself. I don’t think I would? But I find it reassuring to know that’s an option. I have never ever had a mental health problem before or felt any anxiety really.

Breastfeeding has not worked out which I berate myself for constantly to the point of tears.

I also feel guilty as we are in a house with a garden and I have Lots of support. So many people are in far far more difficult situations and are coping far better than me. I’m trying but I just feel cold and numb inside with no hope for the future.

Does anyone else feel the same?

That sounds so hard. Would suggest speaking to the GP. Am very pro breastfeeding but no one should ever berate themselves about breastfeeding not working out. There is a real lack of support in the uk fir breastfeeding and often it works out for some mothers more by pure luck than design and vice versa so please try not to feel upset about this - which I know is easy for me to say. I just wanted you to have the perspective of a total random! 💐

You have it so tough with children that age. No wonder you are finding it difficult.

I have three primary aged school children and I promise you no one can tell which child was breastfed. My kids were bottle fed and are doing very well at school.

Breast feeding is not the end of the world. Give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can.

Can you go for a walk without the kids - you need some space and time for yourself xx

You need to speak to your GP or HV about the possibility of PND. This sounds like more than just lockdown blues.

I'm struggling too. I have a 2 and 3.5 year old. My husband is working 50-60 hours a week and the past week I have had a horrible screaming fit at my small children most days and then I feel absolutely shit straight afterwards. I'm trying to wean my 2 year old as being stuck in the house with me means she is now breastfeeding like a newborn and I have a horrible aversion. I told my husband I was going to cut my boobs off with a knife last night, so that's been a particular highlight.

I wish I had some words of encouragement but I can only offer solidarity. Are you getting any time to yourself for a walk or anything? On my husband's days off I've been taking an hour alone in the car to listen to music. Unfortunately if I'm anywhere in the house the children will find me

It sounds like PND. Have you spoken to your GP?

I breastfed my boy and didnt my girl, they are both happy and healthy, please dont feel bad

So sorry that you are feeling this way. Your baby is very young still so please talk to your GP or health visitor as you may have Post Natal depression.

Lockdown must be tough with children that age but you sound very overwhelmed. I'm glad you have support xx

Thanks all. I didn’t manage with first DC and was so proud to do it for the second but it went tits up at around 12 weeks. Trying to forgive myself. Thanks for kind words and solidarity. I do think potentially it’s PND as I did the online assessment and I scored v high (when the HV did it at 6 weeks I got virtually 0). I worry though that people with proper problems will be the priority (as they should) and they will brush it off as anxiety due to Covid.

PND is a proper problem and you will not be brushed off op. Please seek help today you don't need to feel like this.

I dont think it is the breastfeeding, I think.it is pnd, please speak to your GP. You dont need to feel guilty or selfish just because of the coronavirus. GPs are still taking calls, and you and your mental health at this critical post partum time are really inportant, with or without corona. Wanting to die is not just sleep deprivation and corona. Also please look after yourself in simple.ways,.multivitamin,go for a little walk without kids (remember this is for medical reasons, your extra walk) get some sunlight, cuddle baby aimlessly, do a simple puzzle, or.mix some cake mixture with two year old into mini cases. Anything which takes you out of yourself for even five minutes helps I found. Also felt awful when my twins were that age, with toddler, it got better slowly over summer although I didnt antidepressants (but I m sure that would have helped it I had asked for them)

It is a proper problem!

Well done on breastfeeding for 3 months, that’s amazing! It’s not your fault it went tits up, biology is a bugger sometimes.

Definitely speak to your GP about PND. They are encouraging people to talk to their doctor when needed. It matters, you matter.

12 weeks - what an achievement! Even 1 day should be celebrated in my eyes. 💐 to everyone struggling on this thread.

OP please phone your HV for support. It is incredibly challenging in lockdown, let alone with a teething newborn and toddler, and it does sound as though you may also be struggling with PND (although of course hard to tell from a post and im not saying you do have it!). There is support there and you deserve to access it, it's a lot to deal with. I empathise with the guilt over not BF, but honestly formula is bloody marvellous, and your little is recieving all of the nutrition that they need to grow and thrive, so please be kind to yourself; although I know it's not as easy as that. And don't feel bad because others have it worse, it isn't a completion.

Competition

You've done fabulously to do 12 weeks.

Now it's time to seek medical support, it sounds as though you need it. And you deserve if. And there's no shame in asking for it.

It's irrelevant right now that you've got a Garden and family support. It's irrelevant that others are having different difficulties. What's important is that you start to feel happier and more positive.

Please call your HV or GP today.

Just reread your post re breastfeeding. It is teally important to talk through your emotions about the breastfeeding with someone, possibly not gp. I had a horrendous time with my first (I accidentally starved him) and talking it through with others who had been through this,or someone who was a breastfeeding counsellor is so so important. Google breastfeeding counsellors/helpline. Dont just be fobbed off with oh it makes no difference. It is like a traumatic.birth experience, you dont move forward by just being told well you have a healthy baby and dont whinge! Our feelings about being good mothers are very complex, added in to the potent cocktail of sleep dep, hormones all over the place, possible low iron, low.b vits, low vit d? [Flowers]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way op. It does sound like it's more than just the lockdown affecting you, possibly PND.

I think an awful lot of people are finding this very hard now, myself included. Please call your doctors to get a call back.

Thanks all so much I’m crying again. @Nettleskeins even though I’ve completely stopped would a bf helpline be helpful? I thought it was more for people struggling but who are continuing. Will google BF counsellors thank you. Have called my HV for a phone back thanks all. And love and to everyone else struggling it’s so hard.

Feeling much the same here so totally sympathise. Got a 10 year old and a 4 week old and am a single parent. The 10 year old is so good but i feel guilty hes being neglected. Trying to help him have fun and also do his school work. 4 week old has serious health issues (diagnosed with ventriculomegaly at 34 weeks). I chose to proceed with pregnancy but obviously the impact of his health stuff is not yet known. He suffers badly from reflux and drs suspect cows milk protein intolerance. He is so unsettled all the time and i just want to cry. Sometimes i find myself wishing i had listened to the fetal medicine people and terminated the pregnancy. He seems so unhappy and i am failing both of them.

It’s so hard having kids that age and also with a close age gap. I’d the same and just wanted to say it does and will get much easier! Mine are 3 and 4 now and it’s a world away from those day. And go easy on yourself with the breastfeeding - it’s so hard for most of us and getting to 12 weeks is momentous when it’s been tough. A wise friend once old me that everything is in relation to the stage you are at right now - when you have babies it’s all about if you had a natural birth or are breastfeeding etc but at some point it will all be about something else. When your kids are in school no one will ask you if you breast fed them! It won’t seem such a big issue then, you’re just in the eye of the storm right now and with the joy of hormones playing with your mind. This too shall pass.

Oh and i was expressing milk which he got exclusively for 2 weeks including while in nicu. I was struggling to keep up with demand so combi fed for another week before having to move to filly formula which i feel awful about. Was ony getting maximum of an hour at a time a few times a day when he was settled so if i spent all of that expressing there was no time at all to eat/cook/shower/sleep/ deal with ds1. I had to stop for everyones benefit but i dont feel any better. Dr has now prescribed hypoallergenic dairy free milk

Ring the gp, you’ll be listened to and helped.

There was a program on R4 saying they struggle to get women to engage with pnd.

You know what. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with not coping with all this. You aren't alone. Lots of people who have less to contend with are also struggling. But you know that you are struggling and can articulate it. Now stop beating yourself up about it! In the great scheme of things, you are doing just great. Your children are happy and healthy, and none of these things are going to hurt them. You have a loving family and you are safe and well. Yes, some other people don't have those things, but it isn't your fault and comparisons about how happy you ought to be compared to them are pointless.

Human beings don't do well when socially restricted. You are not unusual or abnormal in hating the lockdown. And no matter how great family and home are, they aren't enough - if they were we'd never have the "outside life" that we do. So it's actually totally ok to be struggling. And it's absolutely fantastic that you can acknowledge and own that fact. So actually, you ought to be really proud of yourself!

So yes, talk to the health visitor. Speak to your GP too about the depression and anxiety - they are still there to help you, and there are a lot of good online resources that they can direct you to to help with this. But periods of depression are normal. That doesn't mean you shouldn't ask for and get help. It just means that you are as human as the next person, and sometimes life gets a bit too much for all of us. Don't put yourself down for that.

Glad you have phoned OP