What should an extrovert do

[Extrovertsanonymous]

I’ve read a few threads on here recently about people feeling bombarded by contact from friends. These friends that are trying to maintain friendships during this time and reach out when feeling lonely seem to be branded selfish. I am left feeling really confused. When did it become selfish to want to talk to your friends during hard times? Introverts would you really rather your friends didn’t contact you until the day we are released? With no idea when this ends... do you not miss your friends? I’ve been trying to understand the introvert better but people are very judgmental on here. I am new to mumsnet and wonder if people are usually so rude and dismissive or is this a lockdown change? Really questioning humanity right now. I just want to feel connected to friends but this feels like the biggest crime!

Would love some sympathetic insight , I will treat you with the same x

It might be differences in opinion between what is considered "bombardment". Some people may want to talk to friends/family every day. If they did so before or live alone, I can see why they may want this to continue. Equally, some may be busy with work commitments, family etc and not have time, despite reduced socialising.

Then there's the fact that we're doing a lot less that can be talked about (trips, seeing other people, different work life etc). Not that this stops me because I can chat on about anything! However, a balance needs to be struck and I get your frustration. Is there anyone you can arrange to call? Maybe a call rather than facetime/whatsapp video etc as some people don't like that? I do it sometimes but hate feeling like you have to get ready to be on screen and seeing your face staring back haha.

Well I assume that you're going to talk to people that you know Extrovert rather than random others. Only you know your friends and have any idea what level of contact they would be happy with. Also I'm sure introverts don't mean NO contact until lockdown finishes. Why do you think it needs to be that extreme? That's a bit all or nothing.

I'm an introvert and need very little inaction right now. I talk to my husband who is at home and my daughters, who aren't. I definitely don't want to spend all day on the phone or Skype because I wouldn't get anything else done. I would be perfectly happy to talk to others as long as it wasn't a few times a day, every day.

One daughter is an extrovert and she needs much more contact with others, but even she has to have some down time and space to get things done.

How much are you contacting people and do they sound annoyed when you do? That's really all you need to worry about.

Even talking to my daughters, there's nothing to talk about, which is a whole other issue.

AquarianSquirrel Thanks for you reply. There are people who I could definitely arrange a call with and it would be lovely but I have got a bit of a paranoia about it now after reading threads on here about how most people don’t want to be contacted at all and when they are re contacting others it sounds like an obligation. I’ve decided to wait it out and see what friends now want to make the contact as I was the one doing the arranging previously. I was also the one leaving the calls after a few hours because they went on too late but people were clearly having a great time. I just think for some people they have lost the thought to reach out and I don’t understand why. Have I misinterpreted their feelings and do they want to be left alone? It’s much harder to ask your friends this so I’ve been looking to the mumsnet consensus and generally people don’t want to talk aside from sharing joke on WhatsApp. This isn’t really enough contact for me and I think I will feel neglected if people don’t reach out but feel more concerned about being resented for contacting them.

I think it is important to say, we don’t have a lot of commitments / older or younger family to look after and saw each other once every two weeks before this

It depends how you contact people. Are you suddenly wanting to regularly phone/video call people you normally wouldn’t? That would annoy me to no end.

DH and I are both WFH with rubbish internet/networks. It is exhausting and slow and stressful.

We have 3 teens still at home and they want and need our time. Plus the demanding cats (seriously) and my dog.

I am knackered and worn out. Happy to send messages etc. Will talk to the few friends who reach out to me that really want to chat but tbh I don't have a lot left to give.

Lemonsnvod nope I wouldn’t take this as the time to contact people I wouldn’t normally. This is my close social circle. I would hate to have to put on a big front and do small talk with people I’m not comfortable with already at this time

I like going out and chatting/meeting friends. At home everyone can hear my side of the conversation

RandomMess I have cats and am curious about demanding cats? Also I appreciate your situation but we don’t have the same demands so a lot more time and less interactions in the home

RandomMess Have you got a garden?

My closest friend and I touch base most days through WhatsApp but it’s very very low key. Just a few lines really. Same with my mum. I wouldn’t want regular phone calls as nothing really going on. It’s Groundhog Day!

Don't put too much stock in 'the mumsnet consensus' - 1) theres no consensus and 2) unless your friends are all on mumsnet it won't represent them!

If it helps, the two things irritating me are people arranging things during the working day (their working from home clearly looks different to mine), and people video calling without warning (my house and I are not in a state for unexpected 'visitors').

If your friends seem to be having fun, keep going! Just don't pressurised them.

I think it depends on people's circumstances.

For me, not a lot has changed in lockdown - I already work from home part-time and was studied via distance learning for 15-20 hours a week.
Only difference is I now have young adult children here too to factor into the food stocks and meal planning (so, if anything, I am a bit busier).

I have a friend, divorced, who lives alone and is furloughed, who understandably is finding lockdown quite lonely and hard. However she is constantly bombarding me and our other friends with suggestions to meet up on zoom for a coffee at 11, or do yoga together etc. It simply doesn't fit into my day, but she doesn't seem to appreciate that.

Yes I have a garden not sure what difference that makes?

Certainly don't want my neighbours in on my conversations!

Cats can come and go as they wish but their #1 choice would be to be cuddled and stroked all day everyday... as would the dog tbh. Can't sit even make a drink without getting help! It's the nature of the breed.

Now the sun has disappeared they don't have the distraction of indoor sunbathing...

I am very much an introvert yet also sociable and very close to my friends. I'm receiving a lot of contact from friends which I LOVE. One of the best things about lockdown is that we've all been keeping in touch and supporting each other. I do find video calls quite painful and feel uncomfortable (but I still do them and am always glad I did afterwards). I don't really understand the problem with people getting in touch. If I feel I need some quiet time I just ignore the texts/calls and get back to them later. If I don't feel like talking I just tell them. Even my extrovert friends have said this on several occasions. Not all introverts are hating increased contact.

Only you know your friends. I'm an extrovert, I find that a lot of Mumsnet are introverts and so might need less stimulation from being around people. So the views on here are skewed.

I talk to my friends every day but they all know me and are happy to tell me to piss off for a bit if they're getting fed up of it! I don't take offence, I know I need a lot more conversation than they might do.

I think also a lot of people are getting fed up and losing motivation in lockdown, so they can't be bothered to put in the effort as much.

Introvert here. You say you normally see your friends once every two weeks. Do you normally speak to them on the phone etc in between this? Do you want to “see” them more often now than before or are you just replacing the actual meet ups?

I ask because I have a couple of friends who I normally see every week or every couple of weeks and I am quite happy to have a video call/drink at a similar frequency as that feels normal and natural.

However I am getting irritated with friends who rarely contact me or want to meet me in normal life and are suddenly trying schedule video chats every week with big groups (as they are bored). Also if my regular friends suddenly started wanting to call everyday I would be refusing too. Not saying you are doing either of these but this is the kind of thing that I am complaining/ranting about re video calls!!

I think people are mostly living in two extremes at the moment, people who now have extra stresses and responsibilities, like homeschooling etc and people whose life has just stopped and are alone. It's hard for both, in different ways and difficult to balance.

I think using the word bombarded is a bit harsh, people need contact with others, it's human, and if you feel like you are being bombarded then that's your friend probably trying to reach out to you.

I am an introvert and now have my children with me 24/7 and trying to homeschool (unsuccessfully) and I am finding it really hard having no alone time. However my friends and family are important to me and I make sure I make time for them, particularly the ones I know are alone.

Randomness The garden to have space from family when on calls - I really don't think the neighbours are going to care about your convo and who cares if they do?

I always go into the garden to talk with friends in the evenings, no one is there and I'm not disturbing my partners evening then either.

I'm confused as why you're complaining about your lovely pets as sounds like you are enjoying giving them attention.

I really am getting the impression that people love moaning unnecessarily at the moment and are being very dramatic if something is a minor inconvenience

I can’t really enjoy a telephone conversation when I know that my family or my neighbours are listening in. I feel that I have to withhold on talking about certain things like my DC, my exDH, my feelings. The conversation is then more one sided or small talk which I don’t really want to be doing.

Colonelnobbynobs

I'm speaking from the exact same position as you re: friends I would see weekly or every other for a good catch up and go on a couple of girly trips a year. Expecting to speak once or twice a week on a call to fill that void only nothing more. We've had great calls, we all love a games night and have been re creating that on there twice. But I do feel that they are not making the effort themselves and feel I have to chivvy people up for them- they then really enjoy them but I've started to doubt myself when they haven't been organising. To add to the doubt the mumsnet unsociable moaners speaking of hating calls made me paranoid that this could secretly be my friends thoughts. With no end in sight I'm confused that people don't see that phone calls and video calls now have to replace face to face contact or we loose our support systems and we really don't need to loose another thing right now do we?

Frankiefree
Why not go for a walk? Also your neighbours are very unlikely to bring up any conversations with you , does it Mather what they think?

Our gardens are completely open plan and overlooked and small no way would I make calls out there / I find my neighbours intrusive enough as it is and everyone in the house would still be able to hear me anyway!

I do enjoy my pets but equally I am "done" at the end of the day and rarely have the emotional energy to want to chat to people beyond my family. Sitting and chilling is what I NEED to unwind and recovery.

This is the misunderstanding that some extroverts have. I find conversing with people emotionally and mentally draining because I am an introvert (albeit a relatively sociable one).

Weekends are better and I will be more open to phone calls then as I've not worked.

You enjoy speaking with you friends it gives you a "lift" many introverts don't find that, quite the opposite.