I can't go can I?

[literallychristraeger]

I desperately want to go see my mum. She got quite unwell just before lockdown and I had plans to go visit the week before but I cancelled them when we were told not to make any unnecessary journeys. She's getting steadily worse and is refusing all medical treatment. She won't even have scans done to get an official diagnosis but doctors have suggested cancer. On top of and probably as a result of all this, she is really depressed and I think she has just accepted that she wants to die. I really want to see her! I can't bare the thought of not seeing her if the worst should happen. She told my sister today how she hated the idea that she wouldn't see me and my wee boy and it's breaking my heart. My sister is going to get her set up so we can FaceTime but it's not the same. She's 4.5 hours away and I really can't go can I?

I'd go and spend as much time as possible with her.

Yes go.
Sounds essential to me and she sounds vulnerable.

OP, I get it and I’d go. I think you can travel to look after a vulnerable person. My mum is a widow and jives by herself 5-6 hours away. She’s over 70 and asthmatic but currently healthy. I’d go.

Yes I'd go too.You are going to care for a vulnerable person which is allowed.

Treasure your mum while you've still got her.

Slow down a minute.

You really need to think not about the rules, but about the risk to your mum & dad. What have you & DH been doing the past 2 weeks?

Why not 'see' them on FaceTime/whatever and try to talk to your mum every day & let her read DS a story etc.... see if her mood improves/you can talk her into going to the appointments she needs. Make BigPlans for a July/August visit etc

See if you can bring her around without risking passing CV onto you parents?

Nothing to do with the rules...just about nit passing it onto your parents, but do what you feel is right 🌷

I would go

I think you should go and stay as long as you can. I'm sorry she's ill.

Wow thank you so much everyone!

I really don't want to put either of my parents at risk and it's why I haven't gone sooner and have been very firm with myself about not going.

Dh and I both work from home so haven't been anywhere other than the supermarket since before lock down.

I don't think it's as black and white as lightening her mood unfortunately, I wish it was. The doctor has indicated that they deal with this more often than you would imagine. She knows that there are treatments and what she'd be missing out on and what she's doing to my dad etc but can't or won't see past it and help herself.

I feel guilty because part of me wishes she wasn't fully aware so we could make the decision for her but she's not incapable of making her own decisions.

I'd go. Yes, there are "rules," but they should not take precedence over reason and compassion. Just take reasonable precautions. I understand her point of view. I know I can't take any more worrisome news right now. However, maybe your presence will remind her she has a lot to live for!

Go

Go while you can, and, however long you are there for, make it quality. Make it count. Sometimes you can't change people's minds. Make it a good visit even if you tell her you'd like her to seek treatment. Get that out of the way and then juat enjoy each other's company.

Is your sister WFH and only visiting supermarket? If not then maybe she needs to consider how she interacts with them.

Without a shadow of a doubt I'd go.

Yes go and stay for a few days.

I would definitely go.

Similar here, but my dad. He was ill since Jan, sort of diagnosed March, we knew he was terminal. When the lockdown started I decided to isolate myself strictly so I could get there if needed. Mum is high risk so I had to be sure I had been careful enough.

Dad came home from hospital just after the lockdown started. His condition worsened last Friday and I packed my bags and came. I had purposely not seen anyone or even been to a shop for four weeks.

I'm so glad I did, he died peacefully yesterday in the early hours with the overnight carer sitting with him. He knew I was here, we had a couple of chats Friday and Saturday. And I know my mum is glad I came.

I'm staying to the end of the current lockdown now and at least until after whatever funeral we manage to have.

It's a bit different as I don't have a child. I'm lucky to be able to work from here just the same as from home.

But I would weigh the risk over the rules and see what you think.

The guidelines say you can go out to provide care for a vulnerable person. Your mother is clearly vulnerable and needs your support. If you travel door to door by car who are you going to hurt or infect? Think how you would beat yourself up if anything bad happened. I would go in your position and arrange to stay for a little.

I don’t think you would put your parents at risk by your visit if you haven’t been anywhere, wiped surfaces, put away post etc but will your visit change your Mum’s opinion about getting medical treatment? I wonder if this should be be your priority if there is a chance that treatment will help her. She might be scared because she will need someone who will attend with her scans, appointments, who will ask questions on her behalf, help her to sort out medicines, etc. She probably can’t face at alone.
Face timing is not the same but not so bad actually, you can do a lot together. As someone said she could read to your son, he could show her things, she could discuss her concerns with you, you could even join her consultant or GP appointments.

How old is your mum OP? It seems odd that she is refusing scans or diagnosis, not even just refusing treatment. I guess if the doctors say it is more common than we'd think they should know, but I'd find it very hard to accept her choice not even to find out her options.

I'm in a similar position except to travel to see my mum (5 hour journey), I would have to go by train, making 3 changes, via London. I have only been out to shops and daily walk but feel I would be putting my mum at risk by visiting, because of the journey. My mum has carers going in, and from what I can gather, mostly without PPE. Not wishing to sound selfish, but feel I would be putting myself at risk too. It's so hard OP. I think if I was in your situation and could drive there, then I probably would go. And then, according to the government, we are not supposed to visit family. This would be a good subject for the public questions on the daily update.

She's in her 70s so possibly many years ahead of her if she sought treatment. It's hard to accept and I appreciate that treatment for cancer is difficult under any circumstances. I just wish she would accept support and care to make her more comfortable at least.

In the cold light of day i'm flip flopping again as my rationale brain is worried about putting them at risk. I know Im allowed to care for parents within the guidelines but is it really essential that I go when I have a sister who is closer?

It's so hard to know what's for the best isn't it

In this situation I think it's ok to go in terms of rules, even with a sister nearer, that's just my interpretation though. I do understand your concern about putting them at risk though, it's a hard call even though you're most likely not infected there's always that doubt.

@VanGoghsDog I'm so sorry to read your post but so glad you were there.

Go!!

@VanGoghsDog

I would take time off work and encourage dp to do so also to provide childcare. Id go up for a couple of weeks to ease the tole of caring in your dad and see mum xx not easy I'm so sorry.