Is it really benefiting my mum not to see us?

[coronade]

My mum has advanced dementia and is 90 yrs old. She is in a specialist care home with 15 other residents of a similar age all with dementia. I haven’t seen her for 5 weeks now (they locked down earlier). I can’t speak to her on the phone as it would confuse her more.

Under the current thinking I might not get to see her till she’s been vaccinated which could be a year away at least. In this time she will have probably forgotten me or died of something else.
She realistically could die at any point due to her age. The thought of this happening and me not having seen her for weeks is breaking my heart.
Surely in cases where people have a terminal, debilitating illness like dementia the risk of getting the virus and dying a few weeks or months earlier than they would have is worth it for the benefits of seeing close family.

Maybe it’s worth it for you & your mum, but not for all the other residents and staff.
It is shit though!

I agree with you if she was in her own home.

I’m just thinking out loud I suppose. It’s just such a depressing situation.
I was hoping we could see her in the garden so not having to enter the building and wearing masks to reduce the risk. But maybe that’s too much extra for the home to organise.

It’s truly shit, but care homes and their residents are incredibly vulnerable - you might be ok taking the risk for your mum but other families of folk in the home might feel very differently, as you might if someone visited and brought the virus in.

It's sad but it's just not possible. Like all homes with a shielded person, each risk taken by each individual within it is absorbed by the entire group. If you want to see your Mum you would have to have her move in with you, is that a possibility?

Sorry OP.

I'm not convinced that sitting in a garden with a 90 year old dementia sufferer while wearing a mask, will benefit her in any way, shape or form.

As PP's have said, given her living arrangements, this is not just about you and your Mum, but for the greater good of all the residents.

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation.
It is awful, truly awful.

Could you write to her instead?

Not the same, I know, but it would give you the opportunity to say all the things to her that you want her to know.

No I couldn’t have her at home. she has very advanced dementia, and has been in the carehome for 4 yrs so is totally institutionalised now.

I'm so sorry for you and your mum. There are so many heartbreaking stories around that make me want to cry. Xx

I’ve been sending her little parcels of treats and pictures of me and the children. Think I’m more terrified that she won’t know who I am anymore the next time I get to see her.
Just feeling a bit down today with it all but I know I’ve been really luckily that she’s lived to such a great age and lots of others are loosing their loved ones to this horrible virus way before there time.
The home are being very good and putting pics up on Facebook. I think that’s what set me off today.

DH and I have been talking about this kind of issue. Is it really better for old people to be so isolated from their family so late in life? Is the risk of Covid-19 maybe less bad than the alternatives at the end of life? Having said that I'm actually glad FIL died a couple of years ago (in his late 80s) so we didn't have to face this dilemma because he had multiple risk factors for Covid-19.

MIL is in her 80s and so has been in lockdown for 6 weeks. But she is in good health (no underlying health conditions) and lives alone, up to this point she had an active social life and travels lots (she had 3 trips abroad in the last year to 3 different continents). I have no reason to doubt she will be around for a good few years yet. And yet now she is stuck inside on her own with no family nearby so no way of visiting her. DH wants her to come to us, and I can see why he wants to take her here so she can be part of our busy household instead of alone. But obviously being in a house with more people increases her risk. It is a dilemma.

My grandmother is in a nursing home she is also 90, has advancing dementia and severe depression, I am the only family member she remembers, I haven’t seen her for 7 weeks now as she was poorly previous to the lockdown, sadly she has forgotten me in that time, unfortunately she has also tested positive yesterday for Covid 19, It’s a very horrible situation and I sympathise completely with you, I am looking back at pictures of my Nan and hoping for the best.
I hope you feel better soon xx

Ah op ,I’m in the same situation,except my mum is only 75..I’ve not seen her for 5 weeks either ..
I’ve been sending parcels and chocolates..
My mums dementia is not advanced,in that she sometimes recognised me when I visited,other times she thought I was her cousin or sister .

I know it has to be done, but it's so hard on everyone and I can't imagine how it affects the elderly isolating from their families/ life as they know it no matter how simple their lives are compared to ours. I'm lucky, I get to drop my Mum's shopping off for her once a week so see her - I don't want to upset her by asking, but her eyes look very red so I suspect she's been trying.

At least she has no idea what’s going on and won’t be worrying. Her nick name was “the angel of doom” as if you were 5 mins late home you’d definitely died in a car accident or any illness was definitely terminal so she would have been so stressed worrying about us all with the virus.

I'm so sorry op this must be so hard on you

It’s very difficult and depressing, OP. My mum died a couple of weeks ago in a hospice in the middle of all this and wasn’t allowed visitors right till the very end (so my brother and I could be with her when she died). I was upset and furious while at the same time seeing why it has to be done. It’s the ultimate in individual sacrifice for the greater good.

I’m so sorry.

Can the staff help with FaceTime or anything at all?

I do phone to see how she is but I think speaking to her or her seeng me on screen might upset and confuse her. Resulting in an unhappy day for her and the staff.

So sad for anyone who has family affected by this and cannot visit their loved ones. I work within dementia services and no matter how you are feeling about visiting and whether it does matter in the grand scheme of things the fact is you are not allowed in full stop.
My own mother is 85 years old, very active up til now and finding things hard. She said ysterday she wanted to make a break for it and go out, I persuaded her not to. However if the vulnerable have to shield for 12 months I would also be wondering if the benefits outweigh the positives.

I don't mean to upset you but if she has advanced dementia she won't know you haven't seen her so it's really for you, not for her.

(I lost my grandmother to dementia so I do know it's awful)

Is the risk of Covid-19 maybe less bad than the alternatives at the end of life?

I wonder this too. I work in a care home on a nursing floor. I'd say most of the residents have months to a few years left and are in their late 80s/90s. They have no quality of life at present as they are unable to leave their rooms (due to self-isolation) and staff are supposed to limit their time with residents to minimise any possible transmission. So the residents are getting minimal social interaction, aren't supposed to leave their rooms, and cannot see their friends/family.
However, I'd say it wasn't worth it except I've seen how quickly covid-19 kills in the elderly. Less than two weeks from symptom onset although symptoms are mild.
But, the situation is not sustainable and residents, if given a choice, would risk leaving their rooms and getting covid-19. The ones who want to leave their rooms are covid-positive or are suspected of having it. Should they be leaving their rooms and mixing with covid-negatives?
It likely won't matter soon because it's spreading very quickly-most residents will show symptoms soon enough, some will get better, some won't.
So many questions and no real answers.

It's such a sad situation. My 87 year old Aunt was in a care home with mild dementia. Sadly she died last week (not of the virus).

My Mum and her other sister were devoted to her but hadn't seen her for weeks. Sadder still they are self-isolating themselves due to their ages and won't be able to go to her funeral.

It's shit.

The home are being very good and putting pics up on Facebook

Really? I’d be horrified if pictures of my elderly parents in a home were put on a public facebook page! Completely unacceptable breach of privacy unless each and every resident pictured has consented

Really shit situation and I'm sorry. It's not about any one individual though, it's that if everyone keeps visiting everyone then the spread is going to be ridiculous and uncontrollable - even after 4 weeks of lockdown there's another 5385 cases today

there has to be a blanket rule as it would be too complicated otherwise with everyone having reasons of differing levels of urgency and unfortunately that blanket rule seems even more important where care homes are concerned

It’s a private Facebook group just for relatives that have given consent. Why do some people instantly jump to the negative response on!