Is it really benefiting my mum not to see us?

[coronade]

My mum has advanced dementia and is 90 yrs old. She is in a specialist care home with 15 other residents of a similar age all with dementia. I haven’t seen her for 5 weeks now (they locked down earlier). I can’t speak to her on the phone as it would confuse her more.

Under the current thinking I might not get to see her till she’s been vaccinated which could be a year away at least. In this time she will have probably forgotten me or died of something else.
She realistically could die at any point due to her age. The thought of this happening and me not having seen her for weeks is breaking my heart.
Surely in cases where people have a terminal, debilitating illness like dementia the risk of getting the virus and dying a few weeks or months earlier than they would have is worth it for the benefits of seeing close family.

We lost my dad just before Christmas and I am so thankful he is not living through this.

For many people with dementia a care home significantly improves quality of life. When my dads life was simplified to his bedroom and his chair by the window in the dining room (he hated the sitting room) he calmed right down. Life was predictable in a way my mum couldn't do and maintain any quality of life herself. With an incredibly skilled staff who made sure he had autonomy as appropriate - they 'made' him express a preference for colour of polo shirt each day. We had given up on that months before.

Dont ever feel guilty about the decision to move a parent to a care home if at home is no longer doable.

Op I'm sorry. I sympathise with your situation as it must be very distressing.

You're not a shit daughter at all, dementia takes an enormous amount of care. I don't think people can really realise this if they haven't been through it.