Elderly parents and extended lockdown

[Speedqueen2]

My parents are 82, very active and social and have struggled with the lockdown but with us kids nagging them over and over again they have stuck to it, got neighbour to get their shopping etc. When Chris Witty suggested that people over 70 might have to continue to self isolate for another year or so, or until they vaccine, my Dad said bugger that, and my Mum (who's in remission from cancer) said she's not going to spend what could anyway be her precious last few years, sitting at home bored out of her mind. I have to say I totally agree. They can be 'advised' to stay at home but I don't think they should be forced to. Does anyone else have older parents kicking off?

Mine are being great. They don't mind online shopping and have organised regular drinks with their friends via Facetime where they have great chat. They do drive to nice places for their daily walks which I don't begrudge them. I had a look online and found some livestreams of their favourite music. Could your parents find some good things to do online, or new ways to stay in touch with their friends?

I don't think kicking off is the right term here. You sound more like you are the one kicking off.
Let them do what they want.

I hear this sentiment alot and to be honest- I cant blame them one bit!
If you are nearing the end of your life anyway, whats the point in living an extra year or so if the condition to that is, you cannot see your grandkids, your family, your friends etc..
In this country we are obsessed with how long someone lives rather than the quality of their life. Its bizarre. Its as if we are desperate for people to live until 100, no matter how much pain, discomfort, confusion or personal torture they are in. I dont get it. Longevity doesnt indicate the quality or value of life.

I think lockdown for a few weeks is doable. But lockdown for a year and not allowing people to see their families is ridiculous and unrealistic. I would rather spend my last years surrounded by people i love than live to 100, isolated, lonely and away from the people I care about.

My 85yo dad is staying home as told at the moment. But he won't stay in for a year.

He has found life very tough and lonely since my mum died in 2018. He already misses chatting with people in the coffee shop and meeting elderly friends in the pub once a week.

He's fairly healthy generally although can't walk as far as he'd like any more. He would seriously wonder what the point was in carrying on if he was confined to his home for a year.

Also, my brother lives with him. He's becoming more and more of a carer as Dad gets older. At the moment DB is self-isolating to keep Dad safe. He can't do that for a year.

Similar here. My parents will not be staying in the house for 6/12 months. They’re in their 80s and don’t want to live potentially their final years like this. It’s their choice really.

The guidelines sent to people 'shielding' make it clear that it is advice and people will make their own personal decisions based on their own circumstances.

I think a lot of people living independently with a limited time left due to their already poor health (terminal illness for e.g) or their advanced age will make the same decision as your parents OP.

The stories of vast numbers of elderly infirm people dying in care homes are heartbreaking. But equally heartbreaking are the stories of elderly infirm people in care homes being shut in their rooms all day to protect them from COVID. Who fear this is how they'll spend what could be their last few months of life even if they remain COVID free.

It will be advised, not enforced, surely? And I don't blame anyone in those groups who thinks, no thank you, I am not spending my final months/ years hiding inside, I will run the risk of getting the virus instead. My parents are not even elderly or on the shielding list, just disproportionately afraid, and they aren't even leaving their house for a walk. That's not a life, they cannot go on like that forever, what is the point?

I'm staying in because I want to live another 30 years - if I only had a couple left I'd be sunbathing in the park, drinking in the street, and meeting up with anyone who wanted to.

And using my house to pay for the mounting fines - they're not going to lock up an 85 year old for persistent sitting in the park

My parents have said the same. I worry for them but I can’t blame them.

My dad only has one lung due to TB as a baby so I really worry for him. He’s early 70s but teaches martial arts for several hours per week normally and normally exercises most days. He’s still doing online classes and solo exercising at home. He ordered an OS map and went on a solo walk the other day... for 16 miles. I’m hoping that the fact that he’s crazy fit for someone his age might help counteract the one lung

They’ve already both said they’d like us to visit now as both households have been isolating as required for 4 weeks now. I’ve said no as obviously we have had to be going to supermarket etc. We have a five min hello from the bottom of the drive when I drop off their shopping but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with anything more.

My parents (87 & 89) aren’t ‘kicking off’ but they are going out .. despite what I say and the fact I can do their shopping etc. They are doing their own shopping, going for walks and to the laundrette .

They are in good physical health and their argument is that ‘if we die, we die’. I do point out to them that the concern is that they would be taking up NHS resources that would be better used for a younger person ( which they agree with ) and that it is a horrible death .... it’s difficult ... they can only make their own decision.

@TooSadToSay

But how are they getting online deliveries? Were they already customers?

Neither my parents nor my parents in law (over 70) can get an online delivery slot or a click and collect slot from any of their local supermarkets - and we've been helping them try.

So if they are still having to go into supermarkets full of people, it then seems rather pointless to say they can't even go for a walk!

Agree with Laurie, you make a good point.

And I do visit my parents, once a week, I stay in the garden.

My parents are 82 and 76. Dad (Parkinson's sufferer) isn't too bothered about going out so is coping really well. However I don't think my mum will cope with extended shielding as she doesn't get any break from dad.

My widowed MIL craves company and mentally this hasn't been a great time for her but for the sake of her health i think she'd do it for a year.

I understand, my parents are around the age of yours OP.
It's a constant worry.
But I don't think Whitty meant that this lockdown will be extended for a year, in fact, he didn't say that. He said some social distancing measures would be in place for a year. He also explained that they would take into consideration the impact of social distancing on society when they considered which to loosen. So, being optimistic, I am hoping that things like large gatherings will be banned, and we'll still have to stay 2m apart from others if possible, but, we will be able to meet as families. That's what I'm hoping for anyway, and of course it's just my interpretation.
I find the current lockdown hard, but doable, not it won't be like this in a year, and the government have never said that it would. Hopefully, they will let small groups of friends and family meet. Fingers crossed.

but
(not)

@ssd you clearly didn't understand my post. I'm saying that I'm in full agreement with my parents that they can't be expected to spend the next months/years in lockdown.
Thanks everyone else, sounds like people agree that it's an unreasonable expectation, glad you reckon its advice rather than mandatory.

Oh dear @rbe78 sorry to hear. My parents and my ILs have been getting shopping from Iceland. They only deliver to over 70s so slots have been available when they've needed them. Iceland does a limited, but good enough range of fresh stuff so they can get everything they need. Do you have an Iceland nearby? It's been great.

I also looked up a local farm shop which will deliver to them. It's a bit more expensive sure, but they're not going out atm. Is there anything like that near your folks?

My parent has never stopped “popping out”. Granted it’s less frequent, but still shops every other day, and goes into where they volunteer a couple of times a week. For conversation and routine I guess. All non essential, apart from the shopping which could be reduced.

I’ve given up. They have a health condition (heart - which apparently “doesn’t count as there is no treatment planned in the near future”) and is nearly 80 (which also “doesn’t count because most of those affected have an underlying health condition”). I’m sick of my own voice keep spelling out the actual facts as opposed to their manufactured reality.

Short of sealing parent in Wuhan-style, I can’t stop all this “popping out”. So they will have to take their chances 🤷🏼‍♀️

My 90 yr old mum (birthday during lockdown 😔) lost my dad in December. She is really struggling with the loneliness and keeps talking about when we get back to normal soon. Haven’t got the heart to tell her how long it will probably go on for the likes of her. I think that may kill her before catching the virus.

@Ginsmything I do understand, my dad is late 80s and he is a bit bewildered by it all. When I dropped his and mum's groceries off a few days ago, he looked such a shadow of his former self. He understood on one level why I couldn't stay for a cuppa, but I could see inwardly, he was yearning for a natter. It is all so bloody sad.

I've certainly seen plenty of over 80's out and about around here. Just after lockdown started i rang my mum's old ndn to see how he was doing. He's 83. He said he was fine and was still going out to the shops to buy food. I've known him all my life and can't imagine he'd ever stay at home no matter what letter he was sent.

I am fairly sure that anything advised for over 70s that goes further than the legal measures applying to the whole population will be advisory and not enforced.

What is going to be difficult for every family and individual is balancing their personal risk, social responsibility etc. I am worried to say the least about how to know what is for the best. I am not so worried about things being legally enforced, though I could be wrong.

My soon to be 70 DF is very worried that there will be some sort of travel ban for the over 70s and he'll struggle to be able to go on holiday. He's very fit and healthy and would ignore any advice about staying inside for a prolonged period of time but the prospect of not being able to go to certain countries is a definite concern.

@mynameiscalypso he might struggle to get travel insurance. Covid cover is non existent for young healthy people let alone the over 70’s

@Goatymcgoaty He's not fussed about insurance thankfully because I agree that would be an issue too!