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Original poster

Elderly parents and extended lockdown

54 replies

Speedqueen2 · 24/04/2020 10:12

My parents are 82, very active and social and have struggled with the lockdown but with us kids nagging them over and over again they have stuck to it, got neighbour to get their shopping etc. When Chris Witty suggested that people over 70 might have to continue to self isolate for another year or so, or until they vaccine, my Dad said bugger that, and my Mum (who's in remission from cancer) said she's not going to spend what could anyway be her precious last few years, sitting at home bored out of her mind. I have to say I totally agree. They can be 'advised' to stay at home but I don't think they should be forced to. Does anyone else have older parents kicking off?

OP posts:

TheyDressedMeUpLikeThis · 25/04/2020 22:04

There is no world where lockdown is lifted for everyone else and my elderly relatives stay in. Nor should they be expected to.

They are complying in the same way as the rest of us right now for other people. But once lifted it's done.

This must be so hard for single elderly people. At least my family members have other people living with then and we let them know we would be happy to combine households if they wanted.

Can't think of much worse than spending my final years locked up, bored and alone.

TempsPerdu · 25/04/2020 22:13

My parents (81 and 74) won’t last more than another few weeks in lockdown. They’ve only made it this far because myself and DB have been nagging them and dropping shopping off but I know they’re still occasionally bending the rules by ‘just popping out for a paper’ etc.

They say they’d rather take their chances with the virus and get to spend time with their grandchildren than spend what could be their last years languishing at home. DM in particular has no interests/hobbies that can be done indoors - her whole life revolves around shopping, meeting friends, visiting garden centres, walking their dogs and so on. I do worry about them but since they’re both adults in possession of all of their faculties, I see it as their decision to make. In their position I’d probably choose my freedom too.

LilacTree1 · 25/04/2020 22:29

Ragwort “ if we die, we die’. I do point out to them that the concern is that they would be taking up NHS resources that would be better used for a younger person ( which they agree with ) and that it is a horrible death .... it’s difficult ... they can only make their own decision.”

Chances are, at that age, we will all be taking up resources.

OP, mum will certainly want to see her family, friends, go to a cafe.

LilacTree1 · 25/04/2020 22:29

“ but I know they’re still occasionally bending the rules by ‘just popping out for a paper’ etc. ”

That isn’t even bending the rules?

MaryShelley1818 · 25/04/2020 22:32

My dad is 82 and mam in late 60's but in very poor health. They're used to looking after DS (age 2) once a week for about 6hrs and this is killing them. My mam rings in tears most days. My DS kept them going and gave them purpose. My mam doesn't want to live a life where she can't see him.

RedskyAtnight · 25/04/2020 22:40

My parents and in-laws are both unlikely to agree to an extended lockdown.

The issue I struggle with is - if it was just a question of their own health then I would say it's up to them whether they want to protect themselves or are willing to take their chances.

But it isn't. If they catch Covid they are likely to need medical treatment, which puts pressure on the NHS. My parents have their own interpretation of lockdown rules, so if they catch Covid there is a good chance they will pass it on to someone else. Should they be "allowed" to make these choices?

LilacTree1 · 25/04/2020 22:42

Red “ Should they be "allowed" to make these choices?”

Should anyone be allowed to make these choices, in your opinion?

Obviously I’m going with “yes”.

Cuddling57 · 25/04/2020 22:45

I don't think my elderly parents would stay in lockdown for a year either. They are more sociable than us and live for their grandchildren.
I think you just have to try to manage the risk - if you feel ill or been in contact with anyone that does then you stay away for a while. We were doing this before Covid anyway due to parents upcoming operation.
Also hope they will find better treatment, ie. blood plasma. Obv vaccine will be a while away yet.

TheyDressedMeUpLikeThis · 25/04/2020 22:48

Same rules for everyone. Guidelines by all means but not different rules/laws for adults with capacity. Fuck that.

FrownPrincess · 25/04/2020 22:48

It would be cruel to extend the lockdown for the elderly. What is the point in protecting their physical health if it costs them their mental health? How many who are just beginning with dementia will deteriorate far quicker than they would under normal circumstances due to sheer loneliness and lack of social contact?

My DM is nearly 90 and lives alone. Her neighbours are shielding and not even going in their garden, whereas normally she chats to them over the fence. She continues to go out every morning to buy a newspaper, and that is the only direct interaction she has at the moment. She’s finding it extremely hard. At her age she cares more about the quality of her life than the quantity.

LilacTree1 · 25/04/2020 22:51

Frown “ What is the point in protecting their physical health if it costs them their mental health? ”

I agree but also think it damages physical health.

justanotherneighinparadise · 25/04/2020 23:06

I don’t think the government will be forcing the vulnerable or shielded to stay inside. It will be guidance and then it’s up to the individual.

LouiseMastny · 25/04/2020 23:06

My Dad (74) is finding lockdown so tough. He's living on his own for the first time in 35 years, his mobility has got a lot worse over the last 2 years so he isn't comfortable going for a walk alone, and his work has completely dried up. He thrives on social interaction. Before lockdown he and his friends would meet for at least an hour a day for a chinwag, now he isn't even going to Tesco. I sat in his garden today with my 6 month old (2 meters apart from him, our shared garden is packed with the neighbours and their socially distancing families) and he broke down in tears. Even with daily phone calls from family and friends he is feeling so alone and depressed. Soon he will start visiting family just to make his days bearable. I think the pressure on an already struggling mental health service will be huge.

kevintheorangecarrot · 25/04/2020 23:13

Thankfully my Dad is self isolating and not going out anywhere except to the shop. I do his online food shop and he just gets the very basic essentials from the local shop every few days. I think he is definitely getting fed up of it now but he knows he hasn't really got much choice if he wants to keep safe.

TheyDressedMeUpLikeThis · 25/04/2020 23:23

But what does 'safe' mean in this context kevintheorangecarrot?

FrownPrincess · 25/04/2020 23:31

Lilac I agree that in the even quite short term physical health will also be affected, especially for those who are not leaving their homes at all. People living alone in flats must be suffering terribly. Muscles waste away very quickly through lack of use, which then leads to balance problems and falls.

TempsPerdu · 25/04/2020 23:46

@LilacTree1
I know; that's why I said ‘bending’ rather than ‘breaking’. They’re broadly abiding by the guidelines but quite loosely - they’re definitely making more journeys out than are strictly necessary (especially in MN terms! ) given that they’re having all their shopping done for them. DM in particular needs this social contact for MH reasons and I don’t really blame her; I wasn’t exactly clamouring for the lockdown myself.

Derbygerbil · 25/04/2020 23:56

I do point out to them that the concern is that they would be taking up NHS resources that would be better used for a younger person

I think the argument that they would be taking up scarce NHS resource was a powerful one a few
weeks back when there was a fear we’d be overwhelmed. That’s largely receded with hospital numbers falling and Nightingales remaining nearly empty. I think this does free older people more... Of course, things could change quickly again!

Rezie · 26/04/2020 08:08

My grandma is 96yo. Extended lockdown would most likely mean she would never see her grandkids again (and not meet some of her great grand kids) and I'm sure she would rather risk covid19 than be alone in the flat for rest of the year.

My parents are 70 and they are already sick of it. There is no way they will be home for longer. Us kids have refused to visit but then it will turn into them going out and about and not seeing us. Whereas it would probably be smarter for us to visit and in return they don't have to go out and about similarly cause they have social contacts.

MarginalGain · 26/04/2020 08:12

My dad, who I would imagine is at about the highest risk, has already resumed his poker game.

Goatymcgoaty · 26/04/2020 08:21

With my parent I don’t know if all the “popping out” is coming from a place of denial, or “accept the risk and take my chances”. I could live with “take my chances” I guess, as it’s a conscious decision albeit maybe not the most sensible choice. But denial and rewriting the actual facts to suit the narrative... feel sorry for them tbh.

LimitIsUp · 26/04/2020 08:33

Mine are in a terrible situation. Mum (86) is in a Nursing Home as she is very frail, has dementia, heart disease and diabetes. 91 year old dad can't see her but prior to lockdown wound visit every day staying for 2-3 hours at a time. They've been apart for 6 weeks (NH restrictions preceded lockdown)

I don't know what to do

Hoppinggreen · 26/04/2020 08:40

I think that mine would be going out and about as normal if they had anywhere to go. I won’t let them come here and I won’t go there and all their clubs are closed so that only leaves the supermarket, where I know they go a couple of times a week and the papershop where sdad goes every day. They are both 80 and not in great health but struggle if they can’t go out most days so the lockdown has been hard for them.
I’ve repeatedly told them they are risking their lives to go out or allow anyone in the house other than the essential carers but I can understand why they will be going out as soon as there’s anywhere to go

AJPTaylor · 26/04/2020 08:50

I agree
My dmum is nearly 80. Widowed 20 years ago. Lives alone 200 miles from me (was planning to relocate here this year). Dbro lives in America and she goes to him each year for a few weeks. She said yesterday " I doubt I'll get on a plane again" and "I'll need to sell my car because I can't drive again after 2 months." She has also said she ain't staying in for a year. In the last 2 of my friends have lost their parents to it. Hard decisions ahead I think.

imausernamenotanumber · 26/04/2020 08:59

Yep mine are the same. My dad said to me just yesterday (by phone!) that there will come a point when he just gets in the car to see us. He wouldn’t do it during full lockdown and he’s absolutely playing the game for now, but he’s not going to stay at home for months if we’re all starting to get out again.He’s missing the grandkids terribly.

I will worry because he’s not in great health but as others have said, it’s his risk to take - and a possibly longer life stuck in your home away from the things that matter to you most (to him it’s the grandkids) is not a life at all. And his mental health is already a bit wobbly anyway. In his shoes, I don’t think I’d accept six months at home.

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