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Feeling so sad about an elderly friend

31 replies

Noworrieshere · 16/04/2020 22:14

Today I called an elderly friend I know from church. He's 92 and almost totally blind, lives in a lovely care home, really happy there. I phoned him last week and he was ok, they were limiting visitors but his brother was still allowed to visit. Today he said that all residents are now having to stay in their rooms all the time, the staff just come in to them if they need anything and to bring in their food and chat to them a bit. They don't see anyone else at all. No visitors, no socialising with other residents.

He is completely with it, completely understands the severity of the covid situation but said today that he would rather go out for a coffee with his brother, get sick and die than spend another week sat alone in his room. And he's smart enough to know that he is going to be alone in his room for a helluva lot longer than a week. He said he's only got a year or so at most anyway and he doesn't want to spend that time sitting in a room by himself. He has a phone in his room and has friends and family phoning him all the time, we can't do any more. But he's so sad and he doesn't want to live like this. He was so matter of fact about it when he was talking, but he just sounded so sad and so resigned, like he had given up.

I know he's not the only person in this situation, but he's usually so cheery and positive and to hear him speak like that today has really upset me.

He did say that all the staff are being absolute heroes and doing their best to keep everyone cheerful and happy. Thank you so much to everyone who does this job, it must be so hard and so sad.

I can't even say oh it will be fine, you'll be back to normal soon, because it probably won't be normal ever again in his life.

How did this happen? It's so shit and so unfair. I'm so sad and angry tonight.

OP posts:
RosesandIris · 16/04/2020 22:20

There was an interview with Hunter Davies on radio 4 recently in which he said at his age he’s already outlived the average age for men to die . He’s acutely aware he probably doesn’t have much time left on this Earth. He doesn’t want to lose a summer or several months of what he has left isolated and not living his life to the full.
I think it’s just horrible for elderly people. It’s not actually fair in my view to force them to live completely alone , without company for weeks and weeks. No wonder many of them would rather take a risk and not be in solitary confinement at their age. I know the pressure on the NHS etc. I know the arguments. However if it were me I would carry on as normal, keeping social distance but still living my life.
My mother is 83 and hasn’t seen another human being to talk to for a month now. It’s actually cruel.

totallydevoidofideas · 16/04/2020 22:20

So sorry for your friend, that's a horrible situation. You're a good friend to ring him which is all you can do. I would say that it is at least good he is fully aware of what's happening as there must be many in that situation who are terribly confused by it all. Sorry there is nothing else to say. Keep in touch with him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/04/2020 22:51

A lot of our elderly residents (housing association) have said they’d rather sign forms saying they didn’t want to be taken to hospital if they became unwell and then just be allowed to go about their lives as normal and take their chances. Same reasoning - many of them are in their late eighties and above and conscious that they have limited time left anyway and are possibly going to spend a huge proportion of it stuck indoors and not seeing family and friends. I don’t think that’s such a bad idea, if elderly people and people in the shielding category would prefer to make that decision for themselves.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2020 22:58

He doesn't have to, it's not prison

He could just go for a walk SmileThanks

LilacTree1 · 16/04/2020 22:59

Laurie, I’m guessing he can’t walk unaided outside and no one will take him.

OP it’s inhuman to treat people this way.

LilacTree1 · 16/04/2020 23:00

“ A lot of our elderly residents (housing association) have said they’d rather sign forms saying they didn’t want to be taken to hospital if they became unwell and then just be allowed to go about their lives as normal and take their chances.”

This is definitely something that needs to happen.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 16/04/2020 23:01

Can he go and live with someone ...

MaxNormal · 16/04/2020 23:07

That is absolutely heartbreaking.

incognitomum · 16/04/2020 23:10

Sounds like he is in prison.

LilacTree1 · 16/04/2020 23:14

He’d be allowed in an exercise yard in prison

Or does that not happen with corona now?

ViciousJackdaw · 16/04/2020 23:31

just be allowed to go about their lives as normal and take their chances

I know it's a dreadful situation but these measures are not just in place to prevent an individual from becoming infected, it's to limit transmission to others too. If only the government could provide a way of finding out whether the staff and residents of care homes had the virus...

ViciousJackdaw · 16/04/2020 23:32

Also, is it possible for someone from the church to take him for a walk?

goldfinchfan · 16/04/2020 23:36

Oh my I hope there can be someone to take him out.
He deserves to be able to make that choice.
We all do when we get older.

LilacTree1 · 16/04/2020 23:40

If the care home staff aren’t allowed to take him for a walk

And there’s no visitors allowed
He won’t have anyone to take him for a walk. I doubt anyone from the church would dare because of the “rules”.

Inkpaperstars · 17/04/2020 00:45

What would a care home do if residents disagreed though? Some residents might rather take their chances, I would totally understand that, but then if they or a visitor bring the virus back into the home it may infect others who don't want to risk it or are not in a position to decide.

This may be totally out of the question, but is there any way your friend could stay with his brother OP?

AmelieTaylor · 17/04/2020 00:51

Anyone in the shielding group is allowed to not be shielded, if he's of sound mind he can make that decision for himself. Someone needs to help him make alternative arrangements.

Noworrieshere · 17/04/2020 07:00

He only lost his sight fairly recently and wasn't managing to get around at home. His brother lives alone in a small sheltered housing complex and is not in the best of health himself although he is a good bit younger so might feel differently about how much risk he wants to take and how much longer he wants to live, I don't know. I don't think he could realistically live anywhere else now.

I don't know who came up with the care home rules, I don't know how enforceable they are. I think the home (who are usually so good at getting residents out and about and socialising together) are just so worried about infection spreading, I would worry that if he did get out they wouldn't let him back in, I don't know. They know how he feels, he says they try hard to sit with him and chat to him when they can, they know how he feels and know he is capable of making his own decisions but what can they do? They are trying to keep everyone safe.

It's just an impossible situation and would be such a sad end to a good life to just waste away in your bedroom.

I know he's not alone in his situation, there are so many others like him. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

OP posts:
Salmonpasta · 17/04/2020 07:12

I'm with you OP. Its a matter of balance. There are other threads arguing about elderly residents of care homes just being allowed to catch CV and die but the reality is, this is the alternative.

Noworrieshere · 17/04/2020 07:21

I wonder if staff could take residents out I to the garden even, one by one? He couldn't get outside by himself. He still wouldn't be seeing anyone but he could be in the fresh air and sunshine at least and hear the birds. But I suspect they are operating on minimum staff and wouldn't have time to take him outside.

The staff know me but I don't think they would talk to me about him. I wonder if they would talk to the vicar, maybe I'll ask her to call. I don't know his brother particularly well and don't know how good an advocate he would be able to be.

OP posts:
StrongTea · 17/04/2020 07:25

Such a shame.

Dozer · 17/04/2020 07:27

Sad. V difficult times for older people and people with health conditions.

Nothing you can do. The home will be doing their best.

rookiemere · 17/04/2020 07:37

Such a difficult one. But I think we need to also consider the care home workers, we have to try to reduce their exposure as well - most care home workers are on minimum wage and they have little PPE.Maybe if they do get the testing kits into the homes, they may be able to relax things slightly.

My 80+ parents are coping well but they are at home and still going out for walks - not sure if they are meant to but DM swears that they are and quite frankly the risk to their mental health of not going out versus the small chance they would catch it on a short walk , means I'm not going to argue the point.

LilacTree1 · 17/04/2020 13:09

OP I think you need to find out if the staff can do that. Can the brother give permission for you to act on his behalf?

I wonder if anyone will bring a case for situations like this - like Bindmans LLP and the amendments for autistic children.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 17/04/2020 15:38

I work in a care home and it's bloody hard at the moment.

It's so sad that our residents can't go out and whilst I agree he should be able to make that choice, he would then be putting the rest of the residents and staff at more risk.
We all have to do everything to keep everyone safe it's all or nothing or it doesn't work.
Could you ask if he can speak to his brother on a video call or just in the phone? I know it's not the same but it's better than nothing.

incognitomum · 17/04/2020 15:47

I know plenty who also work in care homes and residents who are able can get fresh air
I work in supported living amd even the shielded go outside.