Don’t know what to do about my elderly mother

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Although I am quite tempted to let her starve to death! 😬

She went on the last shopping bus that her council runs for the elderly two weeks ago. They told her that would be the last one and she was the only one on it. She lives in a village near where I grew up, so I asked a friend if she could get some shopping for my Mum next time she went. She was happy to do this, told my Mum she would either be going on Wednesday or Friday and went on the Friday. Dropped the shopping off and my Mum paid her.

Fine. Lovely. Kind of friend. Except my Mum's done nothing but moan since:

She didn’t believe that my friend went shopping on Friday; no-one goes shopping on Good Friday. She must have gone on a Wednesday and left the stuff before dropping it off.

The pork chops didn’t look very nice; she would have chosen bigger/better ones.

The cabbage was not what she specified and looked old.

The carrots were too big.

There were allegedly no Brussels sprouts. She didn’t believe this, there are always Brussels sprouts.

She wanted two pints of milk in two separate one pint containers, not one big one.

The bacon was very expensive.

The bread tasted funny.

She won’t ask friend to do the shopping again. There are people in her street who have offered to do shopping, but she won’t ask them either, as they’ve only given mobile phone numbers and it costs her 5p a minute to call a mobile number. Her neighbour will only bring bread and milk, and is currently sulking and won’t bring her anything as last time he went shopping he bought her Hovis and she hates Hovis. (Neighbour is 90 and has cancer.)

She has cried on the phone to my aunt and two cousins that she is worried about running out of food. I have offered to do her an online shop, but she doesn’t want to do that “she likes to see what they’ve got and then choose.” I’ve explained that this is not normal life and she needs to take what is given or on offer for now.

Does anyone have any other ideas? I am out of patience with her, she is always rude to people and alienates them. She has no computer and doesn’t want the internet “as they can see what you’re doing in your house.”

I’m stuck overseas at the moment, DH is stuck in London as he went back quickly as DD’s university closed with a few hours notice and she needed help packing up, so our situation is not the greatest either!

No advice but you have my sympathy.

My parents 'can't possibly eat Tesco meat'.

After battling round Waitrose for them last week as they were desperate after be providing them with tesco food for a few weeks,I've decided enough is enough. I'm still working full time. They won't starve and I will provide them with tesco food when I can get a slot or co op from my small local in the meantime.

You’ve given her the options. She either takes one of them or takes the risk and does her own shopping.

I do sympathise, I have a relative who is incapable of writing a shopping list because she likes to look at the shelves and then choose. In the Time Before she would spend an hour wandering up and down the aisles in Tesco to do a £20 shop. Despite watching the news she refuses to accept that things have changed because she's not seen it herself. I am clearly bringing in the wrong sized milk out of spite and not because there are no single pints in store. The bananas were too small - well you know how this story goes.

Moaners are going to moan - whatever you do will be wrong unless you can make everything return to normal overnight. (If you can, get off the internet now and get on with doing that please). Morrisons do food boxes, buy one and have it delivered and you know she won't starve. You're unlikely to get a slot for home delivery, even if she would think about what she wanted but the Morrisons ones come by courier so are more likely to be available. The other option is to contact the local Covid-19 action group for your mum's area, there will be a bigger group of volunteers to call on for when she's exhausted neighbours.

Can you get the aunt and cousins to give her a reality check?

I live in a small village and our parish council have set up a support/shopping system for those that can't get out for whatever reason - they did a leaflet drop to every house telling us about it. Can you look up your mum's parish council online and see if they are offering any similar help?

My grandparents did this. Mum had a row with them. Then just ordered an online shop. Didn't tell them (as they will open the door). If they wouldn't open the door you just tell them on the hour before and just say they've had instructions to leave on doorstep if you don't take it in it will rot and you will starve. End of

Oh bless you. I honestly think you’re going to have to let her sort something out herself. Does your friend know she was unhappy with the food? If not then hopefully that’s still an option if she gets desperate. Is your aunt able to sort something do you think?

Let her sort it out herself then! What else can you do?- multiple people have offered and she’s just nasty about it. Fine. Leave it up to her to sort out.
I’m sorry but that’s the only way she’ll learn.

Treat her like a tantruming pre-schooler "take it or leave it"

What does she want? Doesn’t sound like she will
pay for a taxi. As much as she loves to moan she doesn’t sound like someone who would let herself starve to death. It wouldn’t surprise me if she had a month worth of food between cupboards and the freezer.

She will be loving having you wound up about it.

Don’t get drawn in, you have found solutions either she comes up with something herself or she will come to you.

You sound like a very caring daughter OP and you have my sympathy. How old is your mum and is she in reasonably good health? Agree with decisions, if worst comes to worst do an online shop for her and tell her it’s that or she starves. Moaners are hard work and need to be reigned in.

Sorry about your own situation and hope you get home soon.

Frustrating! Feeding elderly parents is pretty anxiety inducing during this.
Deep breath, acknowledge her frustrations, and ask what she suggests.

Jeez sounds pretty hard work. Maybe let her try ‘her way’ - let her try and order a taxi to get to the shops ( not sure anywhere has taxis still) , wait in a very long queue and then ‘enjoy’ the shopping experience where much of what you want is not available. Sometimes people have to experience it to understand it. Hopefully then she might be a lot more grateful to all those people trying to help. Hell even suggest she could buy her her 90 year old neighbours bread and milk as a gesture of thanks. Good luck it sounds like you will need it.

I got a cough at the start of this and spent the first two weeks of social distancing isolating. I watch the news, my mom has rang me from the supermarket, she was in tears after her first visit, I know it's a 40 min queue to get into our supermarket if you are lucky. All that aside I cannot tell you the shock that I got when I first went out. I knew it all but you can't understand what it's like to be afraid of other people until you've encountered it. So she can't possibly have a clue.
I also found online shopping really difficult when I started and my mom has found meal planning really difficult because she hasn't had to do it in a long time. So I'd cut her some slack. The climate of uncertainty is so difficult for us all. I'd offer her more emotional support. Imagine her inner child- they're terrified. Love bomb her. She's not wrong it's annoying when you don't get what you want. I'd rather pick out my own fruit and veg and meat too. She's not crazy there usually is always Brussels sprouts. Become her ally in all of this. Tell her your friend was pissed off too that the shops didn't have what she wanted. Your friend wanted to know what in the name of god was happening that the shops didn't have Brussels sprouts.

Also maybe pour yourself a generous gin and tonic before you call her

At least take heart that you don’t have my mother- living with us, selectively deaf, infuriatingly unable to listen to the answers to her banal questions, Winds the baby up and has an innate ability to stand jus there’s you need to be. Plus she keeps wandering off into the shops because ‘we really need coriander’. 🤦‍♀️

Strength. God.give. Amen.

it's hugely frustrating. I managed to get a Tescos slot for my 80+ parents, but they prefer to stay up to midnight to get a Morrisons slot as their croissants and meat are better. Honestly you couldn't make it up. I admit I didn't call them the day after the Morrisons delivery as I couldn't cope with an itemised list of what didn't turn up so DH spoke to them that day instead.
I organised a milk delivery for them and it didn't turn up and I spent a bit of time calming them down and had to get someone who lives nearby to make a special trip to get them some. Then it turns out that they had milk but it was whole milk which DM doesn't like. I suggested that they freeze some so they always have some available, but when it all arrives and they had too much they gave it away to a neighbour instead.

I'd get a Morrisons box for your DM if you can. She'll moan about whatever she gets so just ensure she has some basic items.

Sympathy from here too - one of mine took it all with good grace apart from bitterly and constantly criticising all preppers (nit panic buyers, and I have had a prepped stash since 2016 for Brexit, bought one or two items weekly, and it is from that, that their toilet rolls and other luxuries have come from since mid-march), and the other being furious about the restrictions and complaining in detail why the brands I have bought them from different shops aren't the same as the brands they normally get (that aren't on shelves), and expecting me to go out daily for a paper.

They are pretty much behaving and accepting even a new tablet to read their papers on now, so there is hope.

I think it is harder for older people to accept change. Harder to get their head around, and perhaps given that all the older people I know read The Doom Monger and The Doom Express newspapers, perhaps they feel immune to the terrible news they are seeing on TV and reading? Or perhaps they face death closer than we do, and maybe there's something in being a post-war generation, that they'd rather the risks than restrictions on civil liberties?

I dunno. I have sympathy for them, it IS a difficult situation to take in and I think older people are showing that it's particularly hard for them to comprehend. I don't think j have any advice for you - crying at my parents (when they were trying to insist they'd go to a U3A meeting fairly early on in all this) that I wished they wouldn't, I was worried about them and doing everything I could to protect them helped enormously. It seems that being a broken record about the food shopping "well it's that or nothing I'm afraid" has helped quieten those objections.

Good luck!

Well although its a worry for you ATM .Best to tell her that she will have to "suck it up " as it were! Either that or threaten to send some pot noodles her way!

I've been doing my mums shopping for over s year as she hasn't been able to manage the shop after breaking her hip.

To begin with she complained about everything, wrong brand, wrong size, didn't get exact things she asked for despite me explaining it was out of stock. Her complaining made me hate shopping for her, but as time went in she started to accept that I was doing my best to get what she wanted.

You have to just persevere like you do with a toddler who is fussy about food

Have you tried going on at great length and in dramatic terms about how extreme some of the shopping issues are right now and how much everything has changed? Upsetting though it is and I sympathise with your mum, it's going to be better for her once she accepts that this is how things are for now. She won't be able to rely on getting the things she normally would, although she might get lucky now and again, and she is going to have to be grateful for what she can get. Everyone is in the same boat.

one pint milk doesn't seem to exist any more.

Thank you all for your sympathy! Glad I’m not alone! I was quite brutal with her when I called her (she never calls me) and said that that was all there was, she could take it or leave it. She said she might drive 😬 to Iceland (about 5 miles away) next week as “they know me in there” and get stuff delivered, as it wasn’t too bad when she went the other week.

She has had leaflets through her door from the church, the parish council, Age Concern, the FB group for her road, all with numbers to call for help with shopping. But she won’t call any of them as they are all mobile numbers. She has a mobile phone, a PAYG one, but won’t use it. I’ve put money on it for her, but she still won’t use it, and have ordered her a new one that is easier to use. I also sent her flowers for Easter, and she complained about them - didn’t much like the colours, and they were a bit squashed when they arrived, although she did grudgingly concede that they had perked up since they had been put in a vase.

She is absolutely not short of cash, she just doesn’t seem to understand that she can’t take it with her!

She also lacks any sympathy for anyone else - both of my DPIL have been in hospital with Coronavirus, and she just said “well at least when they come out your DBIL can shop for them as he’s local!”

I feel.your pain as my aunt, 76, insists on driving about looking for a particular wholemeal flour and other "must haves".

She's had cancer twice and suffers from poor health.

I have tried and offered but had to concede that she will do what she wants regardless.

Ultimately she's lonely and shopping is her habit. I don't think I can break that, however hard I try.

PS you sound like a very patient and loving daughter!

So your mum can drive and has a car? She is a grown woman. If she rather drive to the local supermarket to pick her food, let her and don't make a fuss.

Your mum has various family and organisations who can support her. She knows this. Let your mother decide how she gets her food.

I’ve given up too. I was breaking my neck trying to get the “correct” milk plus extra to freeze, whilst wfh full time and 3 kids all with online school work to do. The following day parent “popped in to Waitrose” which was “risk free“ as “it was more or less empty”. To buy two things - a specific brand of biscuits and a trifle.

Ahhh my people.

This week.... they refused for me to buy any jam because ‘it might be too sweet for us’

And then complained the jam had run out. That they didn’t like anyhow.

The eggs I managed to get at great expense because they needed eggs.... not the same size they are used to.

Complained that the bananas were individually priced because they were smaller than normal.

Complained I wouldn’t go to three separate supermarkets because they like specific things from specific shops.

Complained that I bought something that was too expensive - I hadn’t asked them for money for the shop.

Complained that I couldn’t get a specific shaped cauliflower and they don’t trust anyone to do their shopping because they don’t choose the best available.

Complained about the wrong size milk. And wrong type.

It’s just unbelievable.