Don’t know what to do about my elderly mother

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Although I am quite tempted to let her starve to death! 😬

She went on the last shopping bus that her council runs for the elderly two weeks ago. They told her that would be the last one and she was the only one on it. She lives in a village near where I grew up, so I asked a friend if she could get some shopping for my Mum next time she went. She was happy to do this, told my Mum she would either be going on Wednesday or Friday and went on the Friday. Dropped the shopping off and my Mum paid her.

Fine. Lovely. Kind of friend. Except my Mum's done nothing but moan since:

She didn’t believe that my friend went shopping on Friday; no-one goes shopping on Good Friday. She must have gone on a Wednesday and left the stuff before dropping it off.

The pork chops didn’t look very nice; she would have chosen bigger/better ones.

The cabbage was not what she specified and looked old.

The carrots were too big.

There were allegedly no Brussels sprouts. She didn’t believe this, there are always Brussels sprouts.

She wanted two pints of milk in two separate one pint containers, not one big one.

The bacon was very expensive.

The bread tasted funny.

She won’t ask friend to do the shopping again. There are people in her street who have offered to do shopping, but she won’t ask them either, as they’ve only given mobile phone numbers and it costs her 5p a minute to call a mobile number. Her neighbour will only bring bread and milk, and is currently sulking and won’t bring her anything as last time he went shopping he bought her Hovis and she hates Hovis. (Neighbour is 90 and has cancer.)

She has cried on the phone to my aunt and two cousins that she is worried about running out of food. I have offered to do her an online shop, but she doesn’t want to do that “she likes to see what they’ve got and then choose.” I’ve explained that this is not normal life and she needs to take what is given or on offer for now.

Does anyone have any other ideas? I am out of patience with her, she is always rude to people and alienates them. She has no computer and doesn’t want the internet “as they can see what you’re doing in your house.”

I’m stuck overseas at the moment, DH is stuck in London as he went back quickly as DD’s university closed with a few hours notice and she needed help packing up, so our situation is not the greatest either!

This sounds like my mum OP, but I have to make allowances because she has early dementia. She has always moaned, seen the worst in everything. She is her own worst enemy.

I do her shopping and there is usually a comment about everything I have got for her. Including why did you that, I say because it was on your list, she replies I wouldn’t have put it on the list, I show her the list, she says you must have made me write it down. Very depressing.

I think it's hard but you have to tell her to suck it up or your leaving her to it.

I ordered my 76 mum a Tesco delivery. She wouldn't tell me what she needed so in the end I cancelled it as she was still getting the bus to the shops every other day.

Her neighbours have offered to help. My mum wont pay to get the bus to a early slot neither will she get a taxi which she can afford easily, esp in these unique times.

At a certain point we have to accept our parents are adults and it's not for us to get stressed and ill when they dont take any ownership for their health

I managed to get my 84 year old dad a tesco slot (he’s 150 miles away).

He demanded I cancel it when he found out that they charged for delivery. Said if it turned up he’d let it rot on the doorstep out of principle.

He drove round to Asda instead and then onto Morrison’s because he doesn’t like to pay Asda prices for sausages.

He’s had three cancers in the past four years. I told him to crack on then, I’ve given up.

(I was paying for the shopping by the way, not him).

I feel your pain! My mother (84 but “definitely not in the vulnerable group” despite being almost immobile) has lots of people offering to shop for her and is basically accepting everything to the point she is stockpiling. I got quite cross with her as she now has more food than she knows what to do with - and refuses to tell people she does not need any more. She is quite delusional - the only saving grace is that I’m too far away to get involved. She is also having a lunch party today in her garden for a friend who lives nearby - this is fine apparently so it’s not even worth discussing with her.

I think people who haven’t been to the supermarkets can’t imagine what it’s like. I’ve never in my life just picked up a vegetable and just put it in my trolley before now. Or meat.

My dh said something about the cucumber I’d bought and I was trying to explain to him that you just get a cucumber and move on. That you are glad that there is a cucumber!

He’d asked for one thing, strawberry ice cream and I could only get vanilla and he was bemused as usually there would be about eight strawberry ice creams. Not any more sunshine! ☀️

I honestly think you need to leave her to it. When she has almost run out of food she will have to make use of local supports or allow your friend to shop for her again. She is going to moan about whatever anyone brings her so I think you have to accept that. I assume your friend has no idea she was moaning about what she got her?

Toddler tantrums are always worst in the over-70s. Ignore.

She drives?

Surely the answer is she does her own shopping?!

Currently going through shopping / delivery hell with my parents.

My Dad got a letter fairly early on saying he was in the shielding group. I urged him to take it seriously and asked him for a shopping list. Bought 2 weeks worth of food, things from the list and a few extras for the store cupboard / freezer that I thought would be useful.

He took that with good grace and signed up for support on the government website. I now get a daily phone call which swings wildly from "we have no food" to "we have too much food, I am giving it away to people".

Fortunately /unfortunately we are self-isolating as my youngest had a fever and so I can get involved with any of it beyond phone calls.

My Mum is awaiting a diagnosis of dementia and so cannot do any meal planning or shopping lists. My Dad didn't do any of that stuff before my Mum got ill and is finding it a steep learning curve. He ended up with 5 deliveries in one week. I am glad he is being supported as an extremely vulnerable person and he is finally taking the message to stay home seriously, but I am really tired of him moaning about the apples being "the wrong type" so he gave them to a neighbour for her horses.

Thank you all for your support! Yes, she does drive, but is a terrible driver. She drives much too fast and I don’t think she can see well enough (she doesn’t wear glasses). She’s 86. I think I will tell her either to go on her own if she won’t accept help from my friend, and she won’t want to queue outside Waitrose (only shop in village), or she can have an online order but it won’t be exactly what she wants.

🙈 should you report her to DVLA for being overdue an eyesight test???

No advice, but I can empathise. My mum is also moaning that nothing people get for her is any good, that the prices are ridiculous and that she won’t pay to call mobiles. I set her up a Milk and More account, but she is now well g out two pints of milk a week, as she won’t be ripped off. You have my full sympathy OP.

A rumbling tummy will concentrate the mind.

Blimey
I’m concerned she ought not to be on the road with your update.

I've found it's not easy shopping for others especially at the moment when there isn't the choice and it takes so much longer. It doesn't sound like there's much you can do and she'll have to work it out herself and be grateful people are taking the time to get her something eat.

My Mum is normally the ungrateful one and I was totally expecting her to be like your Mum. Luckily she's heard from neighbours it's hard out there and even accepted a tin of potatoes as that's all I could get.

I honestly think people who haven't been to tge supermarket have no idea how much it has changed. I work in one and the rules that people are expected to follow are mind-boggling, especially as we seem to change them almost daily and give people no instruction when they arrive. My husband thought I was exaggerating and just couldn't be bothered to get the other things he'd asked for. I've now put him in charge of the grocery shopping as it was just too much for my head to handle

I think many of us might be shopping for the same person!!!

Love 'my elderly' to bits, but holy crap- reality check needed!!

@MrsSchadenfreude. She has PLENTY of options & won't be told...I think you just need to let her crack in with it!!

Op, please think about your mum driving about at 86 when she can't see well and drives too fast.
She could be deadly. You need to contact DVLA and soon. This is more important than her moaning about the shopping.

My grandad was moaning that he couldn't get a sack of potatoes so I arranged for a sack to be delivered he refused as they were all round potatoes and not maris piper potatoes. I just sat there thinking it's a potato fgs but instead he's insisting on going shopping and taking my nan with dementia round the shops with him I honestly despair but he won't actually accept my help as it's never good enough.

It seems like this is a nationwide issue. I don’t know who is more exhausting. My parents or my 5 year old.

I feel for you.

I included a vulnerable elderly neighbour on my list of people to shop for. Written on the quite long shopping list was "orange juice" and I bought a carton. Well, he was SO annoyed as he'd meant squash! He said he "wouldn't let me do his shopping again" Good!

My Mum hasn’t driven since January so I think the chances of her doing so are quite remote. It’s usually me who drives the car when I visit.

She doesn’t want me to do an online shop, apparently, as she might not get what she wants. Although I’ve had another relative contact me saying “Can’t you do an online shop for your Mum? She’s so worried that she is going to run out of food.”

Just let her get on with it. I would stop responding (apart from cut-and-paste "You need to do x" or "Let me know if you want an online shop" replies). She obviously loves tantrumming in front of an audience and may calm down once she realises nobody's interested. Time to disengage.

P. S. If your relative is that concerned, what's stopping them from getting an online shop themselves? They are welcome to do so...