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Original poster

Living with a recovering alcoholic in these weird times.

32 replies

Bluewavescrashing · 11/04/2020 21:29

He pushed me to the brink. Drove our DCs around drunk, drank beer in the park looking after them, ruined family holidays time and time again. Has now been dry for about 8 months and is doing well.

So tonight I drank a bit too much, in the garden, at home. I wasn't sick, I didn't pass out, have an argument, do anything embarrassing. I was just tipsy.

He is really annoyed with me.

My thoughts are, most people are drinking more than usual as it's a shitty time. I had 4 x large G&Ts. Not loads and loads. It was nice to relax with all of this going on.

I haven't done anything wrong but he's really pissed off with me. I don't drink every day, always have a couple of nights off a week. At his peak he drank 60 plus units a week.

Ugh I just feel rubbish.

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 11/04/2020 21:38

Didn’t want to read and run. These are hugely pressured times and everyone is feeling it. I’m guessing he is finding his sobriety a challenge but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Tomorrow will be a new day and you’ll both move past it.

Raffathebear · 12/04/2020 12:11

I think you need to be supportive by not drinking. His past drinking is no excuse to retaliate. Its not fair to keep punishing him for his past and bring it up. Its very very hard to stop drinking and he is stuck at home, the family doesnt need any booze at this time.
If i saw my partner struggle with alcohol and put the whole family through hell why would i then continue to have booze around and drink at home? You have seen the damage booze does first hand.

PotteringAlong · 12/04/2020 12:13

Actually I think you’re being really really unreasonable here. You live with someone who, as a full blown alcoholic, had the strength to turn their life around and give up drink completely and you’re still drinking 5 nights a week and still getting pissed?!

No. Stop now.

pisspants · 12/04/2020 12:16

I agree, I think you should rein in your drinking as much as possible and try to avoid having it in the house, surely that is an extra temptation for him you having it around? I would leave drinking for outside the house if possible and appreciate this maybe a while off given the current situation.

LeSquigh · 12/04/2020 12:42

I also agree. It is extremely unfair on him for you to be drinking at all when he can’t. If it were me I wouldn’t feel I was being supportive unless I removed all alcohol from the house completely.

79Fleur · 12/04/2020 13:01

If there is alcohol in the house how can you be sure he is actually sober?
Get rid of it, stop drinking yourself and support each other.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/04/2020 13:08

Why would you rub it in his face by having alcohol in the house? That's very unfair on him and not very supportive. He's done really well to get sober and turn his life around. YABVVU

Geepipe · 12/04/2020 13:08

Sorry op but i dont think you should be drinking around an alcoholic or using lock down as an excuse. My dp is an alcoholic and its awful. The last few months he has been fantastic and cut right down. Now in isolation he has relapsed and got utterly wasted and cried to me about how hard he is finding lockdown and it brought back a lot of childhood trauma. I dont drink in the house at all because he sees it as a green flag for him to do it as well. He doesnt see the difference in if i drink 1 glass of wine or gin why cant he drink 2 bottles of vodka to himself.

Imagine if you had a crutch you felt obsessed with and felt you needed it and then had to give it up only to see your dh using it in the house when you cant even escape to be away from it. Alcoholism is serious and should be treated with respect.

AvoidingRealHumans · 12/04/2020 13:10

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Yes he is probably struggling and especially now given the situation but you are still entitled to wind down and if that involved a glass of 2 of gin then so be it.
Hopefully it will get forgotten about.

SonEtLumiere · 12/04/2020 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Camopetals · 12/04/2020 13:35

It's still very early days for him OP, personally I wouldn't be drinking around him at all and wouldn't have any in the house.

But if you're drinking 5 days out of 7 then I suspect your relationship with drink isn't entirely uncomplicated either.

Geepipe · 12/04/2020 13:41

Wow Son you sound nuts. No he shouldnt fucking act like shes the messiah. And truth be told it sounds like the op is an alcoholic as well given the quantity she drinks and the excuses shes making that its ok because everyones drinking more in quarantine. Actually im starting to think you shouldnt be together op. A partners role is to support their other half not fuck over their recovery from a serious addiction. Alcoholics should have no alcohol in their households.

BentNeckLady · 12/04/2020 13:41

How many units a week do you drink?

Axlcat · 12/04/2020 14:35

The language you use in your defence of drinking sounds like that of someone who has a potential issue with alcohol. I speak from experience. I think it’s worth considering your intake - 2 days off a week does not mean you don’t have an issue yourself. If you feel you need alcohol to “get through” a particular situation or enhance it, it should be a red flag.

Marphise · 12/04/2020 19:45

Both sides have a point here.

On the one hand it's not really fair that you don't get to drink at all just because he can't.

On the other hand, it must be really hard for him to see you drink and not be able to.

That said I don't think it's fair of him to be angry with you. He doesn't exactly have the moral high ground of judging you for drinking !

It would have been reasonable for him to have a chat with you and explain he's finding it hard and to please drink less/out of his sight.

Incidentally, 4 large gin and tonic isn't "tipsy", it's drunk, unless you're a 100kg truck driver, or unless there was way more gin than tonic in those glasses.

Anyway, maybe talk to him about what you can do to support him ? That doesn't have to mean you can't drink, but you could agree on days/times/places when you drink and he can do something else (video games, read a book, etc), and not be around you if he's finding it hard. Also you could cut down (drink twice a week rather than five times).

Marphise · 12/04/2020 19:46

Edit : "way more tonic than gin".

Fedup2020 · 12/04/2020 19:49

I hate to say this, but if you decide to stay with an alcoholic you can’t drink yourself. I can understand why he’s angry. If you have to take the edge off have a quick shot in the bathroom

rosie1959 · 12/04/2020 19:58

I am a recovering alcoholic my DH still drinks always has
I am the one with the problem not him But everybody is different your partner is in very early recovery so may struggle especially if he has not fully accepted it yet
I have been sober nearly 15 years but have never had a problem with anybody else having a drink The only time I am uncomfortable is when the other person may well be an alcoholic in denial we seem to have a second sense

Ahwig · 12/04/2020 20:05

My partner stopped drinking 10 years ago. I am a light social drinker no more than a couple of glasses a month but for the first 4 years we had no alcohol in the house at all. I felt it was what I could do to support him. Now I will have the occasional glass of wine and he is fine with it and will sometimes buy me a half bottle of champagne for my bday for example but I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that when his sobriety was so new

Holothane · 12/04/2020 20:05

I’m six years dry and can’t get bitter lemon at the moment in the summer it’s my life saver, in the winter I’m not tempted hopefully bitter lemon on Tuesday. Hugs to everyone else recovering.

ConstanceDoodleton · 12/04/2020 20:11

I think you're drinking too much. and I don't think you realise that because you've lived with an alcoholic for so long and have lost perspective on what's normal.

HennyPenny4 · 13/04/2020 08:13

My DB stopped drinking, I don't think they had alcohol in the house. But no one else I'm aware of stopped drinking when he was around.

I think it depends on whether you had a bottle of gin at the back of the cupboard and decided you'd have a glass or three or if there is drink in the house you are having wine daily and GTs once or twice a week. If it's the first I feel he has a cheek, after all he probably put others through in his past. But AA advises apologising to those affected by his drinking (yeah that really covers all his previous behaviour - private grouse from DD of an alcoholic) and somehow that frees you from all your past. Perhaps he has done that. So that makes you in the wrong apparently.

CheddarGorgeous · 13/04/2020 08:27

I think he has a cheek to be angry considering all he's put you through.

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2020 08:38

You don't have to stop drinking at all. But you do need to look at your own habits REALLY honestly here and sweep your side of the street.
One of the biggest impacts in a marriage is when someone stops drinking. It changes the rules, the dynamics, everything. Your husband's emotional engagement and development would have been blunted for years by the alcohol. So in a way, he's coming out of a big, dark fog and into the light. As wonderful as that sounds, it will be very hard on you both. You won't see eye to eye. This incident is a good example of that. This will test your marriage, which is why I strongly suggest you look at your own pattern of drinking. Perhaps there is just no room for alcohol in your marriage and that may be a deal-breaker. Only you two can know and decide. Good luck.
He's on a journey and you're part of that process.

Franticbutterfly · 13/04/2020 09:13

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. I wouldn't dream if doing what you are doing, what a shit, unsupportive wife you are! Get a f-ing grip!