ExDH putting pressure on me re: DS

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Please help me.

DS is locked down with me.

We have vulnerable family member who cannot isolate indefinitely in one room. They can move to an empty home in 4-6 weeks.

Till that time DS wants to stay here.

Ex putting pressure on me to keep “normal shared care” (70/30).

I’d rather DS could keep normal plan but I don’t want to add risk to my vulnerable family member, however small the risk is.

Ex telling me that both parents should decide what’s best for the child. I don’t disagree with this but this is an exceptional (short term) situation and my DS is happy here.

Can you offer me some advice on this?
DS has open phone access on a mobile so can call / FaceTime whenever he wants.
I’ve offered DS to go and lockdown at his Dads till vulnerable family member moved out but he doesn’t want to (siblings and a garden here probably being the main reasons!)

Ex is making me feel awful but I am genuinely just trying to do what keeps people safe.

When he's saying it's up to both parents and he doesn't agree, what he's saying is his opinion should override yours. This isn't a normal situation, and isn't likely to last the full 12 weeks either. Plus your DSs feelings on the matter. Would it really be beneficial to put DS in a situation where he may feel he could put a family member at risk? It's really tough, your ex will not be happy to not see DS for a long chunk of time of course but for your DS. I think you're doing the right thing for the time being by saying no until your vulnerable family member can isolate properly and offering alternative contact options until then.

It isn't irrelevant, because he might be more understanding of suspending contact if he knows that it will be made up and not lost entirely.

I'm in the opposite situation with a father who will do anything to get out of seeing his kids and only ever cuts it back so he won't be interested in making up the lost time.

Dear Ex, I understand what you are saying about both parents having joint responsibility for decisions of what's in DS's best interest. But in this time of coronavirus risks i also have this vulnerable relative's best interests to think of. Neither I nor DS want to take a risk on this, so we need to wait until relative is rehoused in 4 weeks. So, I am not making a unilateral decision about our son or your contact with him, I am making a decision about protecting this person. This is non negotiable. No more suggestions of isolating said relative please, that's not happening. FaceTime as much as you want and once relative has gone we will arrange for DS to come over. Bye for now.

And then if he brings it up - just tell him you're not prepared to discuss it again. You're protecting relative and that's that.

Thank you.
I’ve been up most of the night worrying about this. I keep thinking back thinking of how flexible I’ve been since we split and how I truly always try and do what’s right for DS.

I’m scared about what the fall out could be if I don’t do what he wants

What is the worst that could happen? Would it be the first time you have stood up to him?

couple of things here:

1. has your relative been officially classed as vulnerable or are you classing them as vulnerable?

2. is there a court order for child arrangements and if so does it state child lives with both parents?

Please see www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/covid-19-guidance-for-children-and-families/

Taking this at face value (I cant see why anyone wouldnt) as you have someone vulnerable in the house, I wouldn't be moving the child between houses.

My kids go to their dads. But their dad is sticking to the guidlines and only takes exercise on the days the kids are with him.

Ds has asd and is homeschooled anyway. So it's been better for him to maintain his routine.

We would have to review it, if someone else in either house was vulnerable.

"I don't agree with it"

DS does

"Its up to the adults"

And DS

I'm not putting someone's life at risk over this it's not forever you can have extra contact when its over

"I’m scared about what the fall out could be if I don’t do what he wants"

What are you afraid he might do ?

The law is on your side:

You have a very vulnerable relative living with you
and your DS has refused to stay with his dad for the duraion, which is the only other option

You have provided unlimited virtual contact
and will let him make the time up later
e.g. let him take DS for a long holiday somewhere (in the UK) after lockdown

I guess I’m afraid he’ll try and change our overall contact plans for DS after this is finished.

We don’t have a court order and since we split it’s always been EOW and one night in the week. This has worked for everyone. ExH fairly often asks me to swap/do extra days so he can do things with friends or his DP which 90% of the time I do. Equally sometimes DS has said to me he’s missing his Dad and I’ve texted Ex to see if DS can go round for a few hrs. It’s generally fairly amicable. Although I always notice when Ex goes on holiday and DS is here for an extended period hes happier. That’s possibly more about not having to switch houses which I guess would be hard for anyone. I never had to do that as a child.

I do feel for Ex as I get that it must be hard. I have tried to explain that and that we are all making decisions now which are irreversible. I just hate feeling like I’m making someone upset - even if it is Ex! (And no I definitely don’t still carry a torch for him - I just want everyone to be ok, healthy and happy!)