ExDH putting pressure on me re: DS

[user47000000000]

Please help me.

DS is locked down with me.

We have vulnerable family member who cannot isolate indefinitely in one room. They can move to an empty home in 4-6 weeks.

Till that time DS wants to stay here.

Ex putting pressure on me to keep “normal shared care” (70/30).

I’d rather DS could keep normal plan but I don’t want to add risk to my vulnerable family member, however small the risk is.

Ex telling me that both parents should decide what’s best for the child. I don’t disagree with this but this is an exceptional (short term) situation and my DS is happy here.

Can you offer me some advice on this?
DS has open phone access on a mobile so can call / FaceTime whenever he wants.
I’ve offered DS to go and lockdown at his Dads till vulnerable family member moved out but he doesn’t want to (siblings and a garden here probably being the main reasons!)

Ex is making me feel awful but I am genuinely just trying to do what keeps people safe.

[user47000000000]

I guess I’m afraid he’ll try and change our overall contact plans for DS after this is finished.

We don’t have a court order and since we split it’s always been EOW and one night in the week. This has worked for everyone. ExH fairly often asks me to swap/do extra days so he can do things with friends or his DP which 90% of the time I do. Equally sometimes DS has said to me he’s missing his Dad and I’ve texted Ex to see if DS can go round for a few hrs. It’s generally fairly amicable. Although I always notice when Ex goes on holiday and DS is here for an extended period hes happier. That’s possibly more about not having to switch houses which I guess would be hard for anyone. I never had to do that as a child.

I do feel for Ex as I get that it must be hard. I have tried to explain that and that we are all making decisions now which are irreversible. I just hate feeling like I’m making someone upset - even if it is Ex! (And no I definitely don’t still carry a torch for him - I just want everyone to be ok, healthy and happy!)

[BigChocFrenzy]

"I’m scared about what the fall out could be if I don’t do what he wants"

What are you afraid he might do ?

The law is on your side:

You have a very vulnerable relative living with you
and your DS has refused to stay with his dad for the duraion, which is the only other option

You have provided unlimited virtual contact
and will let him make the time up later
e.g. let him take DS for a long holiday somewhere (in the UK) after lockdown

[slipperywhensparticus]

"I don't agree with it"

DS does

"Its up to the adults"

And DS

I'm not putting someone's life at risk over this it's not forever you can have extra contact when its over

[Shitsgettingcrazy]

Taking this at face value (I cant see why anyone wouldnt) as you have someone vulnerable in the house, I wouldn't be moving the child between houses.

My kids go to their dads. But their dad is sticking to the guidlines and only takes exercise on the days the kids are with him.

Ds has asd and is homeschooled anyway. So it's been better for him to maintain his routine.

We would have to review it, if someone else in either house was vulnerable.

[toryandproud]

couple of things here:

1. has your relative been officially classed as vulnerable or are you classing them as vulnerable?
   
   
2. is there a court order for child arrangements and if so does it state child lives with both parents?
   
   Please see www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/covid-19-guidance-for-children-and-families/

[FinallyHere]

What is the worst that could happen? Would it be the first time you have stood up to him?

[user47000000000]

I’m scared about what the fall out could be if I don’t do what he wants

[user47000000000]

Thank you.
I’ve been up most of the night worrying about this. I keep thinking back thinking of how flexible I’ve been since we split and how I truly always try and do what’s right for DS.

[FantasticButtocks]

Dear Ex, I understand what you are saying about both parents having joint responsibility for decisions of what's in DS's best interest. But in this time of coronavirus risks i also have this vulnerable relative's best interests to think of. Neither I nor DS want to take a risk on this, so we need to wait until relative is rehoused in 4 weeks. So, I am not making a unilateral decision about our son or your contact with him, I am making a decision about protecting this person. This is non negotiable. No more suggestions of isolating said relative please, that's not happening. FaceTime as much as you want and once relative has gone we will arrange for DS to come over. Bye for now.

And then if he brings it up - just tell him you're not prepared to discuss it again. You're protecting relative and that's that.

[GiantPinesAhem]

It isn't irrelevant, because he might be more understanding of suspending contact if he knows that it will be made up and not lost entirely.

I'm in the opposite situation with a father who will do anything to get out of seeing his kids and only ever cuts it back so he won't be interested in making up the lost time.

[OhLookHeKickedTheBall]

When he's saying it's up to both parents and he doesn't agree, what he's saying is his opinion should override yours. This isn't a normal situation, and isn't likely to last the full 12 weeks either. Plus your DSs feelings on the matter. Would it really be beneficial to put DS in a situation where he may feel he could put a family member at risk? It's really tough, your ex will not be happy to not see DS for a long chunk of time of course but for your DS. I think you're doing the right thing for the time being by saying no until your vulnerable family member can isolate properly and offering alternative contact options until then.

[user47000000000]

Thanks. I’ve let him have unlimited contact on his own phone. I’ve offered to help set up online quizzes and games (eg yahtzee) which he can play with his dad on FaceTime and I’m genuinely not trying to restrict contact for the sake of it

[Willyoujustbequiet]

The law is on your side in the circumstances you have outlined. Encourage ongoing indirect contact with facetime etc.. but other than that dont engage further.

Its just a control thing. Ignore.

[user47000000000]

He could have extra time in lots of ways, extra wkends, extra week days, I don’t mind and would be happy to be flexible once my vulnerable relative is safe somewhere else. I’ve said this to Ex. Tbh I don’t think he wants to try and juggle working and home school like I’m having to do as the dates which he’s telling me we should do are all very “convenient”’options for him.

Again I have suggested having extra time at his dads to DS but he said he’d like to go back to normal and not “make up” the time. I don’t think I should force this as usually their contact is frequent.

You guys are right that it’s affecting me mentally. I know it will be for ex not seeing his son too but I don’t want to keep going back and forth saying the same thing

[ConstanceDoodleton]

The advice is that if contact has to be suspended because of vulnerable family etc, that all missed time should be made up later... How do you intend to do that?

Let's see if he wants extra time first shall we...

[Gamble66]

@GiantPinesAhem until we know when and how this is going to end it's totally irrelevant and none of your business

[ConstanceDoodleton]

He just keeps telling me it’s up to both parents and he doesn’t agree with me

this is a lie. he doesn't want to reach an agreement with you, or his son. He doesn't think it is up to both parents either. He wants to do this his way, at the expense of Gibson's feelings and the health of his son's vulnerable relative. There's no agreement or compromise here at all.

Explain well in writing. At this time and until x date we are unable to continue with normal contact. Relative is shielding due to x condition. Due to shielding restrictions we are unable to facilitate son leaving and returning to this home. After offering son the options of going to your home and staying there until relative is rehoused, he has stated he wishes to remain here until x. Obviously, I understand this will be difficult for you and I want to reassure you electronic communication is welcomed before normal contact will be resumed on x date. thank you for being so understanding of the health needs of x in these unprecedented times.

Then do not engage further.

[GiantPinesAhem]

The advice is that if contact has to be suspended because of vulnerable family etc, that all missed time should be made up later...

How do you intend to do that?

[zafferana]

Your ex is clearly an arse @namechangenumber2 and doesn't deserve any sympathy from anyone!

[namechangenumber2]

@zafferana - I'd be devastated too, however in my case my Ex is far from a doting dad IMO. He saw DS 2 weeks ago, before that he hadn't seen him for 7 weeks - he cancelled twice " because Dads are allowed to do that". I find it hard to feel sorry for him when he behaves like that, and for that reason I'm putting the health of me and DS ahead of his feelings.

If it was my time being cancelled, I'd be absolutely devastated, but I'd be a doting parent in the first place! I can't imagine going 7 days without seeing DS, never mind 7 weeks

[FinallyHere]

Normally we have managed to resolve things fairly reasonably with a bit of give and take (or he just goes on at me till I agree to whatever he wants) but the stakes are too high here

Is it possible that your ex is used to bludgeoning you into agreeing with him and is surprised that you have a (very very understandable) boundary on this point.

There isn't really a compromise to be forged here. Don't tell us, but think back on you 'give and take' How many examples can you find where it was not you giving and him taking.

Unusual circumstances tend to make the really important things clear. You know you are right, and your child is happy with that choice. That counts for a lot. All the best.

[midnightstar66]

Have it in writing - dc would rather isolate at your home, you have someone vulnerable staying but it's for a fixed time, you will be sure to facilitate all remote contact, you will make up the time lost once relative has left. This would satisfy any legal comeback. If it's both parents choice and neither agrees then surely what dc wants at the age he is, is what is the deciding factor. I understand the difficulty though. I'm having to send my dc very reluctantly as the fallout just isn't worth it. We don't have the same risk factors though.

[Windyatthebeach]

Send one last message with your reasons then block....
Your mh also counts here...

[user47000000000]

Yes of course zaff. As I mentioned I have offered DS to go to his dads and his relative self isolate alone.

I have also offered DS the choice to go to his dads until his relative can move. He doesn’t want to do either.

[user47000000000]

Thanks. I don’t know how to communicate with Ex. He just keeps telling me it’s up to both parents and he doesn’t agree with me.

Normally we have managed to resolve things fairly reasonably with a bit of give and take (or he just goes on at me till I agree to whatever he wants) but the stakes are too high here. I don’t want to be nasty or fall out but I don’t know how I can explain again. He’s suggested my relative isolate alone in a room for 4-6 weeks which my relative would do as they don’t want to stop DS seeing his dad but DS has said he doesn’t want that and he’s fine here. Short of packing my relative into isolation alone and telling DS he has to go I don’t know what to do. And I’m getting so fed up of constant guilt trips from ex.