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Original poster

DD wants friend to come and live with us

62 replies

bellylaughs · 10/04/2020 15:17

DD (teenager) has a friend who lives in very difficult circumstances. I don’t want to go in to detail but it’s pretty grim. Although she is not in any danger.
Life was tough for her anyway but obviously a lot worse for her now she’s indoors almost 24/7.

DD wants us to offer this girl that she can come stay with us for the rest of the lockdown and she feels desperately guilty that her friend is so down and sad and has no relief.

We know this girl and usually would be very happy to have her but obviously now me and DH are concerned that we would be breaking rules if she came. But is there a balance between interpretation of the rules and a young person’s mental well being? Or should she just have to get on with it.

OP posts:
jellybean85 · 10/04/2020 15:19

Can you trust the second young person to observe lockdown rules and they won't jeopardise your household? If so I would do it I think it sounds miserable for her

Inappropriatefemale · 10/04/2020 15:20

I personally think that you would be doing this girl a huge favour, it’s not right that she is going through this and especially in these times, if you know that she has been safe and social distancing etc then I think go for it, it may be illegal at the moment but it’s morally acceptable to do this, your obviously very kind.

SunlightBlazing · 10/04/2020 15:20

I'd do it

converseandjeans · 10/04/2020 15:22

I think if you have space & can guarantee she follows the rules then go for it. It would be a really kind gesture.

moobar · 10/04/2020 15:22

Difficult OP without details, which rightly you can't give.

If it's for her health, is it for example akin to domestic violence cases in which case, the person is still encouraged to leave.

What is the parental response likely to be?

Is there a health professional involved you could talk to? For example, a person who could confirm it would be better for her to be relocated at this time.

Are you sure she poses no danger to your household? Have her family been complying with lock down etc.

I think in a broad sense the correct answer would be no, but difficult without more details.

We have an extra teen here. We are on a farm. He is town. His parents are both key workers. He came before lockdown and is best friends with my nephew. His parents agreed he would be more use helping here and it would be better for him than being stuck at home alone. He has missed them but has been a good help and has settled in.

browzingss · 10/04/2020 15:25

I think it depends on what exactly is happening in the girl’s household. If she’s in an abusive or dangerous situation I’d let her stay but as that wouldn’t be a permanent arrangement, the authorities might need to step in because I’d be worried about her safety sending her back there

If it’s not that serious - What makes you think her living situation would improve at the end of lockdown? What will change about her parents (etc) behaviour ? Also bare in mind we don’t have a definitive end to lockdown. Even if lockdown ends there may still be restrictions on social gatherings etc (as we still need to social distance as no vaccine) so life won’t instantly go back to normal. She may still be stuck indoors for extended periods of time so how long are you comfortable housing her?

Inappropriatefemale · 10/04/2020 15:31

Does the teen want to stay with you OP or did your DD just ask you without her pal having said anything?

pooopypants · 10/04/2020 15:40

Is there already any involvement from SS?

Has the friend made any mention or hint of her coming to stay?

You say she isn't in immediate danger so how would she benefit from coming to your house?

TheReluctantCountess · 10/04/2020 15:41

No, I don’t think you should.

EmAndes · 10/04/2020 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LochJessMonster · 10/04/2020 15:42

No

user3274826 · 10/04/2020 15:46

I would interpret it to be allowed under the guidelines as it would come under caring for the vulnerable.

However, lots to consider. Are the parents likely to want to visit, have her back and forth, come knocking on the door? That would be a very big concern and put you all at risk.

Be careful also that circumstances aren't being exaggerated because both teens would desperately prefer to have a friend to hang out with and go for walks with.

EmAndes · 10/04/2020 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGrindah · 10/04/2020 15:52

Well technically she shouldnt come into your home under social distancing guidelines.But if you feel she is vulnerable then it’s up to you. Depends what the situation is with her parents or legal guardians though. They would have to agree to it. You can’t kidnap her! Also, depending on how close but she is there’s a risk of you getting stopped by the police if you have lots of luggage etc ( although that should be easy for you to cover). Go with your heart but if you do it also make sure everything she brings into your home is thoroughly washed etc.

midnightstar66 · 10/04/2020 15:53

I'm so concerned for some of the children I normally work with, if someone not professionally involved did this for one or two I'd be sleeping better at night. Obviously your details are vague though so it's hard to judge now necessary/helpful it would be

AnnUumellemahaye · 10/04/2020 15:55

Have a frank discussion with the girl and lay down some ground rules and conditions. If it were me I'd want to do what I could to help her but she'd have to commit to doing her part by making sure she doesn't compromise your household.

Viviennemary · 10/04/2020 15:56

I would say it was within the guidelines. But personally I wouldn't allow it. Even if you do decide to let it go ahead wouldn't you need to consult her parents first.

Neverenoughcoffee · 10/04/2020 15:56

People can leave the home to move house.
It's fine.
The main question is if she would observe the rules about going out and who else she'd be mixing with. If she will, then I'd do it.

Original poster
bellylaughs · 10/04/2020 16:08

I’m pretty sure she’d observe the rules. She’s very good. I will talk to DD about the commitment involved. Then I will talk to her parent if we decide to go ahead. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 10/04/2020 16:48

People can leave the home to move house...but not to move in with another family! Households are not supposed to be mixing. So no it not fine . But in the OPs case it might be necessary to help a vulnerable girl.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2020 16:50

How old? More like 13 or 18?

Do you know the patents? What if they wanted to come and see her?

FelicityBeedle · 10/04/2020 16:52

You’re allowed to combine households and you’re protecting a vulnerable person, I see no issue

Chochito · 10/04/2020 16:55

I would, OP, if you feel that it will be a reasonable sacrifice for your family (I mean, that the benefits to DD's friend will balance out any sacrifices made by the rest of you, e.g. less space).

It would be wise to think ahead of potential but likely reasons why the situation could go awry, ways to overcome those, and an 'exit strategy' should it be required - I presume it wouldn't be straightforward to return DD's friend to her current home.

CherryBakebadly · 10/04/2020 16:59

I think you should do it - but also let local social services know, especially if she stays for over 28 days. More here: corambaaf.org.uk/fostering-adoption/kinship-care-and-private-fostering/private-fostering

CherryBakebadly · 10/04/2020 17:00

@MrsGrindah you can move in with another family if you need to - god there is some utter bullcrap being posted on MN these days.