WWYD???

[Maggie9000]

Blended family, my son lives with us, DP's daughter lives with her mum.
Normal routine: Son goes to his dads every other weekend, DP's daughter comes to us every Weds and every other weekend.

Situation: I have chronic lung disease. It's very rare, similar to CF. I nebulise, have IV drugs through a portacath and require regular physio to stay well. Despite all this I can lead a fairly normal life (normal to me anyway, I won't be running any marathons anytime soon!)
I'm isolating for 12 weeks for obvious reasons, CV will kill me, there is no two ways about it. DP has chosen to isolate with me bar getting groceries, we can run our business from home.
Son's dad has resigned himself to facetime for the next 12 weeks and DP had agreed with his ex that he wouldn't see his daughter (facetime only) for 12 weeks too.
DP has decided he can't go 12 weeks without seeing his daughter, I get it, I do. But not sure why I should risk my life for him to see her (she's staying with her mums boyfriend who has two kids who are going back and forth between their mum and dad) so I said he'll have to move out if he wants to do that. Is that bad? I'm not an unreasonable person but I'm petrified. If he moves out I'll have to rely on others/volunteers to bring food and I'm sure there's people more worthy than me. His daughter is safe, and well, and it's not forever?

I'm also 8 weeks pregnant, with our IVF baby. I guess I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable, if there's another way round it or if I should stick to my guns.

I think you’re being unreasonable but I want that to come across nice because I mean it in a nice way. 12 weeks is such a long time to not see your child. You’ll have your own child soon and I’m sure you’d feel the same if you was put in that position.

But your DP is going out to the shops so the virus could come in that way.

He's literally going to our local village shop. Not supermarkets.

What are you talking about pretty OP already has a child. How patronising.

I don’t think YABU. It’s hard, but it’s not undoable. Not seeing DC vs risk of death of DP and unborn DC, it’s a no brainer to me.

It's odd that if you are high risk you have to self isolate but the people that live with you don't.

How does he feel about not seeing you for 12 weeks?

Would OP do the same if it was her son then? It’s so easy to be so black and white about things when it comes to other people’s kids and other people not seeing their kids but when it’s YOU you feel differently.

The government advice is that if the people that live with me self isolate we can sleep in the same bed, use the same bathroom etc. If they don't isolate we have to try and stay 2m apart in the house!!! And can't use the same bathroom (we only have one) or sleep in the same bed.
He said he doesn't want to not see me for 12 weeks, but also doesn't want to not see his daughter for 12 weeks....but I quite like being alive and I don't want risk brought back to the house.

@PrettyLittleLiar20 my son's dad is fully prepared to do the 12 weeks of facetime only to keep me from contracting this virus.

I think YANBU. At all

Hi

I don't think you are unreasonable. (I ha e CF. Its incredibly scary). What I Woukd say though is that your DP should also be shielding, if he is going out to supermarket then are you practising social distancing at home? If he is shielding with you then def he can't t see his daughter. If you are distancing at home then what about it he saw her outside somewhere to talk to, but 2 metres away? (she may not be right age for this). My children's dad has been fine about not seeing them, amazingly, and understands it is for my safety. They are facing timing every day. Can he do that instead?

@IrisJoy they are face timing daily. DP only goes to the local shop for milk/bread. Big shops are done online. He comes home and washes his hands and has alcohol gel as soon as he leaves the shop.
We're not really in a position to distance at home so he is shielding with me as much as he can.

YANBU. She's living with other kids who are visiting their parents? That's way too many people coming and going.

He's thinking about sleeping at work for the next 12 weeks. For the sake of seeing his daughter for an hour a week. My brain is really struggling to understand how my life (and baby's) is comparable to temporarily not seeing his daughter. If he can't support me now when I most need it I don't want his support at all. I'm really not unreasonable, and would never ever stop someone from seeing their child but I don't want to die :(

I don’t think you’re unreasonable, he is.Bad enough that you have an underlying condition but with being pregnant though IVF to me should mean that he supports and protects you 100% he can see his child when this is over.

Would he agree to not seeing his daughter and self isolating with you for the next 2/3 weeks? That would take us to the end of the current lockdown date.
3 months is such a long time to consider and things are changing rapidly. If you were to reasses in 3 weeks time we should know a lot more about how widespread it is and how long the restrictions are really supposed to last.
I feel for you OP it's so difficult but you need to stay completely shielded to stay safe. He needs to understand that

@stressbucket1 I have said to him that this first period of 3 weeks is changing daily and so things may be very different by the end of this period and both my son and his daughter will be safe to move between family homes again.

Maybe 12 weeks seems too hard for now and he could agree to do as you are just now and review at 6 weeks?
Then if he decides to go ahead I am sorry but I think I’d be reviewing my relationship as you are not being unreasonable at all. If his daughter lived with a single mum and little comings and goings I guess I might be more inclined to think she’d pose little risk, but even so. And if you’d not been pregnant I’d have also felt a little sympathy for your partner just in terms of his balance- but given your situation as a whole- yanbu. So sorry.

YANBU. You are also pregnant. What is he thinking?!

He can FaceTime all the time etc

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all OP.

Good grief. Of course YANBU.

12 weeks not seeing his daughter is a bit tough, but temporary. Death is very permanent.

And you must need his support so much at the moment. Newly pregnant and presumably quite anxious.

Everybody is having to make compromises and sacrifices. He is being mind blowingly selfish.

i think there needs to be compromise. i couldn't go without seeing my kids for 12 weeks and that wouldn't be the option. however i also wouldn't want my partner to be at risk, so if he has the option to sleep at work that way he could protect you bit also see his child.

We are in a similar situation and it's caused issues.
I've been told the same as you so I'm being shielded.

I'm germ phobic at the best of times so my attention to risk control is very good. I also had infection control training decades ago.

Having anyone coming and going in your house is a no. Under any circumstances.
The end.

One solution might be you isolating in part of the house whilst your husband and his daughter have two weeks quarantine in another part.

You'll need a physical barrier to divide the house.

You cannot be in contact with any part of his side of the segregated house.

Meals can be delivered to a safe area outside and collected. Plates need to be put in a submersible container containing a warm bleach solution by them, before being handled by you (you'll need to be doing the food prep as it's safer).

After the two weeks once you know she's not a risk, your step daughter stays for a third week so you can see her too. Then returns to her mum.

If you only have one bathroom it's going to be impossible to do this with an effective barrier though.

The other way is he moves out and has her to stay somewhere away from the house. He will need two weeks minimum to make sure he's not bringing anything back to you. But during the last two weeks of this time away he needs to be socially isolating to protect you on his return.

We bought a caravan for this scenario. I saw it coming and thought through measures to stay alive. We have just had a child return from university where there were cases, so it's proved essential already.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's not that you don't love all your children. It's just unprecedented times and staying alive with chronic lung conditions is a top priority.

I've felt like a really horrible person, but trying to explain high levels of barrier infection control to a lay person is so so hard. Especially when missing children is in the mix.

If you died with your unborn baby he would be eaten up with grief and guilt. And you'd not be there to be a mother to all your children.

You are doing the right thing. Absolutely. But work out options and let him have a choice.

Not a warm bleach solution, that was autocorrect. Dilute (cold) bleach solution!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting people coming and going. But I think you are being unreasonable expecting him to stay home too. A child's relationship with their parent is different to any other. Nothing in the universe would make me not see my child for 12 weeks.

Yet my sons father is managing to do it for the sake of my life?!