Husband still working and it's nearly splitting us up I'm so angry at him. AIBU?

[helpplease83]

My husband works for an extremely non essential business. There is absolutely no fucking need for him to still be working. His company have shut the head office and they are all working from home but they are refusing to let him, and several others do the same. We are both hoping it's a matter of time before the government force this to change but at the moment they are getting away with it.

I'm furious as it feels like my husband isn't standing up for himself, he's not asking the question of what about him and his family. We have young dc. Everyone else is at home, and as much as I self isolate the second he walks in that door I'm exposed to all of it. He won't self isolate, he won't tell work he's self isolating and needs 14 days at home, he won't stand up for himself and his family.

We are constantly arguing as he says I'm not supporting him, but I don't see how I can. He is a non essential worker. He shouldn't be risking our lives! I get that it's not his choice but it feels like he's not fighting. If the shoe was on the other foot, and I was in his position as a NON ESSENTIAL worker I would call my work, tell them me, him or one of the kids had symptoms and I would self isolate for 14 days. They can't fire you right now. Health over money. I want my family to make it through this.

We just had another screaming match, I'm just so angry.

Maybe he thinks you need the money ?
If you’re not unwell u don’t need 14 days isolation ?

90% of his company is off on full pay. He'd get paid for 14 days isolation. If I was in a non essential role exposed to all sorts right now I'd lie to be at home and keep my family safe.

But unless one of u has been unwell u don’t need to isolate for 14 days

I feel for you OP. In a similar situation to you. D(dickhead)H is in a VERY non essential job, yet still going off to work every day, travelling all over the country. Stuck in a van for a lot of the day, certainly not 6 feet away from the other passenger. We have two young children and I'm absolutely terrified that he will bring something home. It's almost inevitable though. I told him to call in sick and he refuses, even though DD4 came down with a raging temperature yesterday. He's terrible at hand washing and general hygiene too. He doesn't seem to give a fuck.

What's the point of isolating for 14 days unless you have symptoms or suspect you've been exposed? Do you think a fortnight at home will magically give you all immunity?

You say there is no need for him to work, but have you actually sat down together and figured out a budget to live on just your salary?

When you've asked him why he isn't working from home, what does he say?

He is doing nothing wrong. You need the money and security of a job for the future

OP are you hoping that if he says he has to self isolate because of symptoms, that things will change in 14 days and the government will eventually force his workplace to shut? (I know someone who is currently doing this that's why I ask)

Its tricky, I felt so relieved in a weird way when DP stopped working. Even with the financial hit I was a anxious wreck.

I think a lot of men have built their image of themselves on the idea that they are Very Important and have a Very Important Job. Lots of them are now hearing the phrase "you are a non essential worker, your job is not essential" again and again. Meanwhile they're also hearing that people who are paid less than them, people they've always secretly looked down on, like nurses and care workers and bin collectors, are actually doing more important work than them. There jobs are essential. Yes, all those jobs done mostly by women and working class people are actually much more important than him and his non essential job. It's sexism and classism and male ego all smooshed into one. But if he keeps going to work OP, he can keep trying to tell himself that he is actually a very important person doing a very important job. If he goes home then he has to help with childcare and housework and accept that his job doesn't actually matter that much to the bigger picture. How do you deal with that attitude? I'd be calling it out personally, I have no time for mollycoddling adults over their delusions of grandure. But you know him best.

Op, can you cover the families finances, I’m assuming you’re the bread winner?

It’s very easy to tell someone to fight their employer, less easy when it’s your own employer, and pretending he has symptoms and taking two weeks off is just silly. What happens if he does get symptoms?

Your employer allowed you to work from home, you’re lucky, plenty don’t. Cut your husband some slack, he’s clearly trying not to loose his job even though you feel it doesn’t compare to yours and don’t need his earnings,

Is his job the main source of family income? Could you manage without it?

I think he's just trying to financially protect his family, many others in the same position (DH included) trying not to rock the boat as we do need the money, and we do need him to still have his job at the end of this. Perhaps your DH is thinking the same?

I'd be calling it out personally, I have no time for mollycoddling adults over their delusions of grandure. But you know him best.

Who's the one with delusions here? Op specifically stated that head office has refused to let him, not that he has chosen to go in.

Op, I hear your concern, but realistically this thing is not going to be anywhere near over even if he lies to his employer and takes 14 days of isolation. And what are you supposed to do if one day after his return he develops a genuine cough and is off again?

Unless you can cope without his salary (not just now but in the medium long term, as this could easily take 6 months plus, followed by a year or more of severe recession), I'd suggest you have to keep emphasising the importance of the risk minimisation measures that you can take, and ask him to keep pressure on bosses at work, and cope. It may be that the lockdown escalates and he'll be off soon anyway.

If he isn't doing it, he for want to!

*doesn't want to

You're angry with him because he won't commit fraud? Really?

He shouldn't be self isolating unless he is showing symptoms or one of the other members of your household are showing symptoms.

If he lies and self isolates now, what happens if he actually needs to in the future? You would be putting yourselves and others at risk.

I hope the government advice changes soon and he is allowed to not go into work but in the meantime you would be mad to put yourselves at risk by lying about needing to self isolate. I do understand why you want him to push back to his employers but the reality is that’s harder to do than to say.

Make sure he’s showering as soon as he gets home and bagging his clothes until they’re washed. If he does that and follows social distancing rules, he can help minimise the risk.

To give the other side OP. My DH runs a small manufacturing company, At the moment the office staff can work from home but some of the workshop staff are being asked to come in (in very small numbers) to complete work that cannot be done from home. DH is trying to ensure the survival of the company. If he simply closes there may not be a company or job to come back to.

Isn't he earning the money that you're relying on?

Isn't he earning the money that you're relying on?

No, I don’t think so, no one would argue and try to jeapordise money they needed. The op must be the main bread winner,

How about, just for a second, you try and look at it from his point of view?
He knows his company better than you, he knows how confident he would be about finding a new job better than you do but instead of trusting him and trying to be supportive in any way you are just screaming at him? How does that help?
You are in this together and I suggest you are no more acting that way than he is

OP I can see why you think he should be at home. For whatever reason his employers do not agree and if he wants to have a job to go back to, it is a difficult call.

If everyone took the view that their own family have absolute priority, there would be no doctors or other healthcare staff at work. What would you expect if one of your children or any older person in the family were ill enough to need hospital care?

Do you work?
If yes are you at home on full pay?

YABU and ridiculous

People are actually allowed to work even if not critical workers and the work can’t be done from home. Read the government guidance.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others#going-to-work

Point 4

Phone the relevant authorities and snitch on his work, that’s what I would do.