Feeling suicidal

[NameChange2306]

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next few months. And then to hear it could be a year or more. I feel physically sick. I live in a small house with an 18 month old. We have no garden.
I have a severe anxiety disorder, I also have depression.
The idea of being indoors when the sun is shining and the weather is nice, not being able to go out is making me feel so low. I honestly felt suicidal last night and had a complete meltdown.
All my mental health groups have stopped, they’re offering online and phone conversations but it’s not the same and I also have anxiety about speaking on the phone. FaceTime feels false to me too.
I was on the long list for nhs counselling too, but god knows how long it’ll be until it will happen now.
I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to, no sign of this ending in the near future, just bleak. I was really looking forward to a summer playing with my almost 2 year old at the beach, park, with other baby friends. It’s all so depressing and is sending me into a dark spiral.
We had a holiday booked (UK) at the end of July. We haven’t cancelled it yet, I’m still holding out hope it might happen, but I’m trying not to get too focused on it, in case it doesn’t.
Not seeing my parents, family and friends for that long is also really upsetting, I know everyone is in the same boat.
I’m crying everyday, all day on and off. I’m not eating or sleeping really. I feel like I can’t be a proper mum to my little boy either as I’m always distracted.
I find my health anxiety is back too and I’ve been taking my temperature and oxygen levels on an obsessive basis.

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
I think you must reach out to the telephone support numbers you have and talk to somebody. I hear you say you find speaking on the phone difficult but it’s a way of taking control of the situation.
This crisis may not go on as long as some people have said. Even on lockdown you are allowed out for exercise and mental health reasons.
Put your little one in the buggy and walk each afternoon, just avoid other people.

Www.Mind.org.uk have some good tips and coping strategies that might help.

This will end and things will get better! Play in your garden or go for a walk with your little boy, we’re still allowed out. Just keep your distance. My psychotherapy sessions have also been cancelled but she is offering me phone calls instead. She said we could do a shorter session on the phone as I also find it difficult talking on the phone. I know it just be difficult not seeing family but you could always video call them with your little boy? It will get better!! Keep yourself occupied with lots of lovely things to do together

Sorry to hear this - you can go out, got for a long walk in the sun x

I feel for you OP as I also have terrible anxiety. I was supposed to start CBT this week, I think it will go ahead by phone. I'm having to speak to people on the phone and even video conferencing now. I've no choice and actually honestly it is making me feel better as I am less isolated. Can you try it with someone you trust?

One day, or hour at a time.
Each minute brings us closer to freedom again

This sounds really difficult for you OP.
But would you not feel more anxious being outside and exposed to the infection as opposed to being at home knowing you and your little one are safe? Try and see the bugger global and nationwide picture and tell yourself it is worth being anxious and also stressed inside your home because the alternative is simply too risky for everyone. Try and take comfort in the fact that, in most countries, people reside in flats with no gardens and they have to stay at home too. Look at the safety you have: there’s water, there’s food, there’s internet, no danger of earthquakes, etc.
You already understand the reasoning behind all this. Try and realise that you are not alone in this because you aren’t.

I'm struggling with some intense feelings similar to you. Lots of people receiving mental health support struggle with the phone too, so you're not the only one feeling distressed by it. This is a really shit time.

I do find that talking on the phone rather than face to face sometimes does make me feel even more isolated, like it reinforces how far away you are. It's hard. It took me years to get to the point where I can manage some phone contact so I know it's not as simple as saying just do it anyway.

In terms of going outside, how busy are the streets near you? It would probably help a little bit if you could make it outside especially while it's sunny. I've noticed that the streets become very quiet around dinner time so if you're worried about people not following social distancing that might be a time to try if possible as there will be fewer people aroun?

Or just walking to the end of the road and back? Or standing on the doorstep?

Is there anywhere in your home that gets more sun at certain times of day? This morning I sat by my sunniest window with it ajar so I could hear the background noise of birds and the breeze and outdoor sounds, which let me feel like I was outside without the anxiety of navigating outside.

You're not alone.

There are lots of us here suggesting different and conflicting ideas. I've posted thoughts based on my experiences, and people with different experiences have posted other things. We're all different and find different strategies helpful.

You don't have to try or follow any of them, they're just things you can sift through to see if any of them feel helpful to you. And if they're not just know there are people who care about you.

I wanted to add that in case you're reading our replies and feeling overwhelmed. We post ideas and share our personal strategies because we care about you, not to try and tell you what to do or how to feel.

Samaritans are always there. Email is [email protected] if that's easier. They'll just listen.

@HowIrresponsible That's cruel. Shame on you.

@HowIrresponsible your username is apt, considering that horrible post.

I would seriously suggest contacting your GP to make a phone appointment. You need to take care of yourself and your beautiful baby.

Evening OP.

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. We know it doesn't take it away but so many of us are feeling a bit like this at the moment. We hope we can all stick together and offer and take support as and when we need it.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you (and if there's any left on the shelves.)

All my mental health groups have stopped, they’re offering online and phone conversations but it’s not the same and I also have anxiety about speaking on the phone. FaceTime feels false to me too.
My DD is one of these, usually community based, therapists. She and her colleagues are doing all they can to support their clients, so do reach out to them. It is a different way of working but maybe we can all grow more comfortable with it as circumstances dictate. DD has produced a guide with helpful ideas for her clients and I’m sure other health authorities have done similar so may be worth tracking them down?
There is a bright future. Try to live moment to moment, easy to say I realise.

OP. I have felt similar. No words anyone can say will take away your feelings right now. I know it’s so fucking hard to see past this very hour let alone tomorrow, next week etc. But you have to remind yourself everything is temporary. This is shit and I know so many people are going to struggle in similar ways to you but it will come to an end. What got me through those dark dark days was also remembering that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please read Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig. It saved me more than once.
Call Samaritans if you’re really struggling. You’re going to get through this and you’ll be so glad you did.

How are you today OP?