Honest advice on getting pregnant please....

[kleggie]

I do apologise if this is going to be a bit of a long one. I am very new to mn and was made aware of it through reading 'mums on pregnancy'.

I am 24 years old and very happily married to my partner of six years. I am in no doubt that I want to have children and dh is quite keen to get started. I had always imagined that I would start having children around my mid-twenties and quite liked the idea of being a youngish mum. I have, however, found myself torn between becoming a parent and having a career. I really question whether I could do both and still offer my best to work life and my children. I have spent a lot of time, emotion and money on my education and should rightly be excited about starting my career. However, there is something inside of me- which is becoming more and more vocal- telling me that I want to have a family with man I love.

I have so many doubts about money, commitment and happiness. I hate to ask it, but what if I resented my decision to have children if it priced me out of the sector I want to work in? I receive so many mixed views from parents I work with. I have one colleague who spends more than 50% of her incoome on child care and says she wishes she hadn't had children at all and I have others who say they wish they'd made the decision to have children sooner. The worst kind of colleagues are the single, childless women who tell me I've already given up my life by marrying and why have a child and become even more boring. I know this kind of decision is a personal one- and I have discussed it with hubbie who is more than happy to be the full time care giver so I can return to work. So...honestly? What is it like being a full-time working mother? Is it worth it? Do you financially regret when you had children? Does it really affect your career prospects? Do you wish you had waited?

Sorry to bombard you with questions, I would just like some honest opinions from people who have been there.

I had my DD when I was 29 so a bit older than you. I used to work in the city, used to moan I had no money (ha!) and my social life was fab. When I had DD I took voluntary redundancy, we moved to Brighton from London and I now only work 3 days a week (so cannot answer the question on being a full time working mum.) It is hard not having as much money-half my part time salary goes on childcare, but I could not have continued the hours/pressure of my old job and coped with being a mum. At the end of the day it depends what you want. I do get jealous of my childless friends with full time double incomes, but actually wouldn't change my situation for the world. I used to spend all my extra cash on rounds at the bar anyway! So after a long ramble, I think it has affected my career prospects, but I was willing to accept that. I'm now pregnant with number 2, and we will have even less money, but I very very excited about no 2.

Hi, how long have you been working for ? if you've been working for a couple of years & are on your way up the career ladder, what impact will being pregnant (ante natal appointments etc) & then 6-12 months maternity leave have on your career ? And does this impact bother you ? If you are thinking of returning to work full time, you may find you can get back into your old role & hit the ground running. You may also decide you want to work part-time & assume you will maintain your current level ? Would you be happy with this ?

I think it's one of these situation where you won't really know how you feel until you get there & in that case it maybe too late.

What you could also do is decide on where you want to go with your career & whether you could achieve that in the next 6mths/year/18mths & then try for a family ? Also you might not fall pregnant immediately.

At my work, women have either had children, gone back to work part-time & not really progressed ( me !), gone back full-time & really got on ( sacrificed family life?) or else have been where they want to be (level wise) & maintained that high level role but managed to work park-time, probably doing additional work at home to keep up with everything.

kleggie
i think you are young enough to have children and if its pressurizing with oyur job, for a few yrs til maybe school starts, you will still only be early 30's and have many years of career achievement ahead,
your colleague who says she wishes she didnt have children must be very unhappy.
if presently you are financially ok, huse/cars/lifestyle, then perhaps its a good time to have a child.

have you read alison pearson's fiction (sort off)take on the working mother in the city, its funny but will highlight some of the pitfalls and highs for each partner as well as the children.

ultimatley u know yourself know if having a child is what u deep down want, if its not for now forget about it for a few years.

its a big change to ones world - something u wont comprehend til the baby arrives, no matter how many people tell you that.

i gave my career for my children but will happily restart parttime in the field when they both start school.

I'm a SAHM (and I've given up a lucrative career in IT to be one) but just wanted to say that there will never be a moment when you can say 'right, this is the perfect time to have a baby'. There's always a potential reason not to have children because it's such a massive lifestyle change but eventually you just have to say 'ok, I want a baby NOW' and go for it!

I'm like the others on here, I had DD at 29 had a good career that paid resonably well. I had 8 years of working full time so have built up a bit of experience. What we have done is downsize, move from London to Scotland so more house less mortgage which means I can be a SAHM for a few years.

I am prepared to sacrifice a few years of my career for my children, I plan to return to work p/t in a few years working up to full time when they are at school. My thoughts are that they are young for so short a time but I will have 25+ years at my career when I go back. I don't know what affect having a few years off will have on my career but to be honest I would rather have this time with my babies (pregnant with no2 right now). OK so we are skint but thats the sacrifice you have to make.

Oh and I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. OK so I can't go out and spend money on Dior handbags anymore (sob) but then again I don't want to.

getting pregnant

a) completely ruined my social life, career and almost my relationship
b) is the best thing I ever did

I started feeling broody when I was about 26 but had doubts about whether it was the right time because of career, travel plans and money. I eventually had ds when I was 31 which I think was the exact right time for me. My twenties were spent having exotic holidays, going out a lot and generally just having a selfish time with my dh. I felt that I needed to get that out of my system before having children, although, I do have to admit that I secretly wanted to get accidently pregnant.

Your feelings and expectations may change as you get older. At your age I was determined that I would go back to work full time and put my child into full time childcare, by the time I reached my thirties I felt that was unrealistic and planned to work part time and yet I have ended up being a SAHM. Totally skint and we are struggling financially but I still feel I have made the right decision for our family.

It is the hardest decison that you will ever make, you are young so you do have time on your side but having said that I think you just need to do it when it feels right.

I agree with the others - it's not easy and there will probably never be a right time but your colleague must be the only person I've EVER heard say they wish they had never had children .

I didn't have my first dd until I was 33 but that was because I wasn't in a stable relationship (turned out I wasn't then either as we split after 5 years and 2 dds!). So I had had a good run at my career and was established enough for them to want me back for 2 days a week for 7 years! I wanted to be a SAHM really but they paid me so well and I was able to work at home a lot and my Mum did my childcare so I was incredibly lucky and as I became a single parent very glad I did work.

I haven't progressed at all in my career in the last 7 years. Now they are both at school I work 6 hours per day and that has helped me to be seen as a more professional person again.

But I was never that career-minded. My job has remained interesting and intellectually stimulating but not too pressured which would be a nightmare with kids (my solicitor friend has finally handed in the towel after 7 years fighting them to do the hours she wanted).

Personally I would not have wanted to work full-time and be a mum because I just adore being with my dds too much. The sacrifice of my progression and being effectively stuck for nearly 8 years now is fine with me but I can see could be annoying to others. Then again if your DH is willing to be the full-time carer you won't have childcare worries and the kids will be with a parent which is great.

You need to think how you handle those role changes. My new bf was more the carer but by default rather than design and after 22 years it was a major factor in their marriage ending really.

Good luck anyway!

Thanks for the suggestions. I am beginning to think that my main problem is coping with other people's perceptions of me. I like to think of myself as quite a strong-minded academic type who puts her career first and have spent years defending my decision to selfishly pursue my career. Stupidly, I think that having a child seems to be a failure in this perception.

Still, I've done all the studying, I am at the beginning of my actual career and have years of work ahead of me. Maybe I should look at it the other way- if I can have a successful career and a happy family at the same time, I've struck an even bigger blow for feminism??

Going to sit down with dh and thrash it all out properly. Maybe it is possible to have it all. Although I think I should just admit the truth to myself: I want to be a Mum, it's not a failing and other people's insensitive comments do not really matter.

Will let you know if any decision is made!

Actually Kleggie, I don't think it is possible to have it all. Something has to give, i.e reducing you or your hubbie's working hours, or making significant changes to one's lifestyle. To me, that's what having children is about, making sacrifices.

I think the answer is to realise that we can't have it all, but women today are constantly under pressure to juggle their lives in order to achieve this. Personally, I didn't return to work as my occupation was totally unchild-friendly. I used to fly as air crew which involved 3-4 nights away a week, and with dh working away the same no of nights you quickly realise both of you flying ain't going to work! Not returning to work was the best decision for our family.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Kleggie - u sound a bit like me at your age however I didn't meet right blokie unitl a bit later; anyway I always thought of myself as a career girl and I made relatively quick progress up the scale at work. Decided to try for a baby but told that it would be difficult medically. I then became suddenly V V ill and almost died. Spent four months in hosp and had major surgery, when I came home DH and I were determined to get out and live life rather than being slaves to work (which we both loved btw!) then two months later found ourselves expecting!!! We were delighted but scared but it has turned out to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to us. Yes it is hard and you do have off days but life is too short to only think of work and careers.

My advice is if you both want a family then get cracking!! My only regret is not starting sooner.

All I can say is the person I was b4 my dd is not me now - I am not saying that in a negative way but I am just different, I think different and feel different. Bascially my priorities have changed, I loved my job and I partied hard. Now I work part time and work around my dd as I could not bare to be away from her for too long. I love ebery minute with her and i find her the most satisfying thing i have ever experienced. Yes being a parent has tough days but the good days are unbeatable.
Everyone is different, my friend who is a designer went back to work full time when her dd was about 18 mths and she travels abroad and appreciates the time she spends with her dd on weekends. Her dd attends nursery. The place where she works now is actually better than her prebaby job, so her career has actually gone up. She needs that job satisfaction, I dont, i just need my dd. But I do work part time and I am self employed. I started my own business when my dd was 12 mths old and so i have teh best of both worlds. I guess I like to feel the drive of working as well as being a mum but if i had to choose, it would be her.
You will never feel 100% ready to have a baby but if you have that little feeling in your belly than I think its your time. Just remember that it will be harder than your crapest day at work but more amazing and rewarding than anything.
Being a mum is easy, being a great mum takes a whole lot of hard work.
Good luck!

Firstly, I don't think you can hesitate if it's what you and DH really want. There will never be a perfect time, and esp. with your DH willing to stay at home. However, I would look into what work flexibility you can negotiate. I work 4 days a week and leave my 13 month old with her wonderful nanny and nanny-buddy. It does sometimes hurt to do this (esp. at first), but I know that I and she would be bored stupid being together all day everyday. I enjoy my career and now do it not just for my own satisfaction, but also for the benefit of my little family. However, I really appreciate having 3 whole days each week to spend with DD and DP - it's a good balance if you can afford it.

Message withdrawn

Big questions, which in the end, are very personal and every single person has a different experience and opinion. However, to answer your questions:

"So...honestly? What is it like being a full-time working mother?"

Like trying to juggle 50 balls with one arm tied behind you back whilst hopping on one leg. Its harder than I ever imagined. I feel guilty for not giving work my full attention, I feel guilty for not giving my child my full attention, I feel guilty for not giving my husband my full attention, and I am mostly just tired. Every day I wish that I could work part time.

"Is it worth it?"
Absolutely. Have our son is my one achievement that I haven't stuffed up. He's fantastic, wonderful, and wholely the best thing ever.

"Do you financially regret when you had children?"
No. Never even crossed my mind. If you decide to have children, you are making a choice for the rest of your life that someone else will ultimately come first. I don't have a problem with needing to spend money to support my son. I also don't believe that you actually need to spend THAT much money either. There are thing you NEED and things you DONT NEED BUT WANT - very different.

Does it really affect your career prospects?
"Yes, it does, depending upon your seniority, and also your chosen field. Some industries are more flexible than others. I waited until I was 35, and I am in the financial industry. So, luckily, I have experience and seniority, but I am still in a big old boys club. Because of my experience, I can hold onto my current level, but I don't think my chances of advancing past this level are very good, and that is because of my choice - I WOULD RATHER be at home with my family than doing the extra 10 hours of face time in the office. So I guess I have made the choice that I am happy where I have gotten to in my career, and now I will stay stagnant here until I have time to put more time into my career again. It's called "the mummy track" - it's not so much a glass ceiling, as a glass holding tank.

I think it very much depends on what you do and who you do it for.

oh, and i've never ever ever regretted having children - not for a millisecond - it changes your perspective and i believe, hope, helps make me a better person

I'm 36 and my ds is not yet 4 months old. My dh and I have been through a grieving process for the life we used to have and neither of us anticipated how much things would change with a baby in the house. I miss my job (although I can go back to it in a year at the same level and can work part time), I miss my social life and I also miss my relationship with dh as it was.

But I adore my ds in a way I could not imagine before. The love I have for him grows every day and he is an absolute joy. All he does is smile, wriggle and giggle a bit and it makes my day. My memory of the life I had before is starting to fade and is being replaced by something utterly absorbing and fulfilling (today has obviously been a good day - will I feel the same tomorrow when ds has kept me up all night?)

If you are in doubt, you can always wait a while. Dh and I gave ourselves a few years after deciding to have children to party ourselves silly while we still could. Once we'd set a time to start a family, I found I was very much more relaxed about enjoying the child-free life and really focusing on my career. I do not consider myself an old mum at 36 and I'm glad I took that time to travel and establish myself in my career. My Mum had four children between the ages of 31 and 35, has been a very active and youthful mother (now aged 69 she still skis and surfs...) and she has many good grandparenting years ahead of her.

Obviously only you can know what's right for you but whenever you decide to do it, the effect having children has on your life will still come as a massive shock but you will adjust as your relationship with your child grows.

kleggie, go and have sex. It's going to take you a fairly lengthy time and a miscarriage to get pg. It will be the best thing you have ever done. She'll be a girl btw. She's wonderful. You gave up work to become a SAHM and you don't regret it a bit. You will change your name to ShowOfHands too you know.

Wouldn't it be great if you could really go back and have a word with yourself?

OMG - was this you..fantastic. what did you call her? Do you just have the one?

god, yes. its scary isnt it?

Mathilda, 18 months. First of many I hope. Back then I wanted a boy. Couldn't imagine ever giving up work, having a girl or adoring both of these things.

Oh and kleggie, tell dh it will all work out with jobs for him. He's very happy now. And a wonderful dad.

Oh I'm really glad thats a looking back thread. I was just going to post kleggie and tell her to get on with it and not to wait until her 30s, just because that seems to be the done thing these days and that striking a blow for feminism would really be the least of her worries once she actually had a child.
Well done you, showofhands.

i was 26 when i got matrried and just got offered a job at guys and st thomas's hospital which is where i always wanted to work when i found i was pg (honeymoon baby) and had to turn it down. Looking back now do iregret it. Maybe a bit as i know i will never lwork in London, would i give up my DS never in a million years. I now work part time and so promotion is off the cards but i have a lovely balance between work and home life. I have made lovely friends via DS school and at work i go there, do the job and come home without all the politics of the NHS!! THere will never be a right time but my friend who was mid30's when she started trying is now in her 40's and adopting as she couldn't have any. I think she wishes she had tried in her 20's so any problems may have been sorted out. If you have the ure for a child and it is that strong nothing will get in your way. I now have the urge for #3 and am risking losing my place in the dept as others would cover my mat leave but it is a risk i am willing to take. Jobs come and go but children are precious and are for life. As for money , you spend what you have and ,make do without just to survive, its the hardest job in the world parenting but worth it (so i keep having to tell myself especially today when my 2 DS are running round shops!!) x

I got career established first so that I could "coast" a bit when having DCs and afford to do less hours in order to spend time with them.

Even a few years career break is ok if you have an established career or area of speciality in the first place. Getting a good foothold established first gives you something to go back to (or not, as you choose - but you have the option).

I had a friend who had DCs first without establishing any career and although plenty of people said her 30's was still young to get a career going she is competing and failing against 20 somethings who have no ties. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't because a 30 something with no real experience in a chosen field has a hard time entering it and still has to do all the legwork, long days etc, which doesn't exactly go hand in hand with DCs. It's a nice idea in principle but the reality is harsh.

Having DCs severely limit the location, hours, even training, for most of the decent opportunities she has considered/wants. She has been offered things but she'd have to go for training for 8 weeks at the other end of the country for example. Or that after the training, she may have to move for a job, and she doesn't want to uproot her DDs from school (nor her DH from his job). She is still searching for a career/job that is 9.30 - 2.30 so she can still drop off DDs and collect from school, plus large extended holidays, but wants to earn pots and have a company car and decent benefits etc - all from scratch, with no previous experience. She has been looking for over 2 years now.

FWIW I got pg immediately. I know it doesn't work like this for everyone (and didn't expect it myself at all) but wanted to offer the point that sometimes it does, it is not always the case you have to go through miscarriages and months of trying.

Only you know when the time's right and if your urge to have DCs gets stronger then that's what you'll do, sooner or later, career or no career!!

good luck x

lol I just started to type a long message about how you should go for it as it takes you longer to get pg than you think and once you have a child all the previous worries go out of the window, am so pleased its a looking back post.

Mathilda is a lovely name - I've had it picked out for both of my ds's! good luck with the next chapter in your life x