coming to terms with stopping TTC after MC - lets support each other

[SarahMumtoAlex]

Well, I don't know if there is anyone to join, but I'm hoping I won't be alone. I have a lovely DS who's 4 in April, and have been trying for a second for just under two years. I've had two miscarriages, concieved both times after about 6 months of trying. Now just finishing my 5th month after last mc. I'm 44. Between worrying that fertility and viability will only get worse with time, and finding the monthly disappointment crushing and reopening the wounds of mc, I don't know how much longer I can go on.

I haven't stopped yet, but I often like to try and come to terms with things in advance if I can.

I find that the idea of stopping trying casts a different kind of light on the grief of the mc's - I can't even write it yet. But I know that the pain of trying is getting too much.

So there I am. Anyone else in the same or similar boat and want support through this time?

Hi there, I am interested in this thread as I am having one shot at IVF and then I think I will have to start coming to terms with not being able to have kids.

Didn't want you to go unanswered. So sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

Hi DuellingFanjo Thanks for joining me. its such an ambivalent place to be isn't it? I really hope your IVF goes well, but I know how it is when you have to see the end of it as well. And there's so much 'you must be positive' nonsense around, it doesn't leave room for the reality of that ambivalence.

So I talked it through with a good RL friend last night and decided that I would give it till July when we're back from a big trip abroad, not tangled up with any birthdays and will ahve been trying for two years. If nothing by then I'll have a coil fitted again to stop me obsessing every month. Feel a bit better to have a specific date to work towards, but thinking of the reality is also daunting. I loved DS being little so much, it will feel hard to give up that possibility again. Of course I'm spoiled in having had one, and I know we can be a happy family as we are, but just trying to articulate the losses involved in saying 'I can't'

SarahMumtoAlex, I am not quite in the same situation as you. I had one MC before conceiving my DD who is coming up for 9 months old. But for me, she is going to be an only-child aswell and that makes me sad.

My PG and Labour with her was traumatic and following it, I said that I would never have another child. As often happens though, the memories of the bad times fade and I now desperately want another child. But DH definitely doesn't. He didn't really want any in the first place, although he loves DD, but having her has just cemented his feelings that he doesn't want anymore and that he really only had her because I so desperately wanted to be a Mum.

Also like you, I'm grateful that I have had her, but I am also very sad to know that I won't be having anymore. I am nearly 36 and so time isn't really on my side either.

It is good that you have a plan and a timescale and although it is incredibly sad for you, at least there is a slight pain relief for your monthly emotional suffering on the horizon, even though the pain may never truly go away.

Good luck with it all. xxx

Hey, I just joined another uber thread, but thought I'd join in here too.

I'm 38, I have 2.5year old dd, had 2 MCs before that and had another MMC last November. TTC again now.

I must admit I'm struggling with the idea of going through it all again, I can relate to your disappointment, but I'm also terrified of the BFP.

Sarah it is brave of you to fix an end date to this madness, I can't do that yet, but I'm not sure if I can do the MC thing more than one more time. We're lucky in concieving quite quickly, it's just keeping them past 12 weeks that is the problem.

DF I do hope your IVF goes well. Not wanting to be too 'chin up love', but the one shot deal does happen. My sister has twin boys from one round of IVF.

This should be so much easier!

Hi DawnAS, yes its a bit different but also the same. Its saying 'I can't try anymore' and working that through a bit. I read on other threads women announcing that they are stopping and I just feel I need to talk about it a bit as well. I know the DH worrying thing, we had no birth trauma but DS was a difficult sleeper and I found the sleep deprivation very hard, DH held off trying for quite a while out of worry.

Slimyak good to see you here, my heart went out to you on the other thread. My last mc was spetember and in december I was right where you are, terrified of BFP, but also feeling that I had to get on with it because of age.

I feel a good deal better today (cd2 is always better and we've had glorious weather which helps too) but I really need to feel like I will be out of this constant cyle of hope and despair (one way or the other) before the end of the summer.

thanks for joining me

Hello All, I thought I would join as I am feeling how you are. I have a DD who is 3 soon and I have been TTC for nearly 2 years. I had a MC in december and it hit me so hard I am not sure I can go through that again. We have decided to give it til November and then give up for good. My body is still not right post-MC and I find that really frustrating and depressing.

Anyway, I am really sorry we are all in this situation.

xx

Hello, slightly different situation but enough similarities for me to join in, if that's ok. I'm 38, nearly 39, and we have two DDs. I had two mcs last year and we've just started trying again after taking a break for a few months. Our agreement is that we will not try indefinitely because of the strain it puts on us both and because it feels as though everything is on hold. We haven't put a time-limit on how long we'll try for as I felt that would put an additional strain on things but I'm at the stage where I'm beginning to wonder how things will be if we don't get our elusive number 3. I'm sorry if it sounds insensitive to be talking about not having a third when some are not having a second (and, of course, plenty don't have a first). The longing I feel for a third child, though, is as strong as the longing I felt for a first. I'm not sure what the next few months will bring but I relate to the notion of trying to prepare oneself for the loss involved in deciding to stop.

Hi chipper and prinpo yes, it sucks. And Prinpo, of course longing for a third is the same as longing for a second (I suspect longing for the first is another matter) but surely we can all support each other no matter what is being longed for (and potentially missed)

For me, the pain is in the way it reopens the grief of miscarriage. I think I used trying as a road out of that grief. I spoke with a friend who had two miscarriages and then after another six months trying conceived her daughter. She says she felt better then about her miscarriage because her daughter was the baby she was 'meant' to have. There is some sense in which later pregnancies compensate for the loss. If there will be no more later pregnancy, where does that leave us with the loss?

I think that is tricky, but the way I look at it is that in 5 years time whatever will be will be and I won't be TTC, all this will be over and there will be no more uncertainty. Whether I have one or two children will be decided by then and I can get on with life. I find that helps me.
I do worry for my daughter as she will be our entire focus, which she may enjoy now but might find suffocating when a teenager! Oh well, she will not be the only only child in existence.

And I will never forget the pregnancy that wasn't to be either.

Chipper, great tip and one I will follow.

I'm interested that people feel that giving up on ttc will reopen the pain of miscarriage. My feelings are slightly different, in that the pain is on giving up my vision of the future. I always planned on having 3, we've held on to all the baby stuff and when I've thought about the future and plans for the next few years it's always been with the hope of having another baby. I just don't want to give up on that future.

The way I feel about my mcs is that my body was being incredibly clever and identified that those foetuses were never going to be able to survive. Rather than my body letting me down, I feel it worked in the way it was meant to.

How do others feel?

Prinpo - I agree, I feel that I mc'd because it wasn't meant to be but at the time it didn't make me feel any better and doesn't still. I thought I was ok but visiting a friend with 3 children last week made me cry and I hadn't cried for about a month. I was crying that my daughter might never know what it is like to have a sibling more than I might never have another baby.

I don't think that stopping TTC will reopen the pain of miscarriage, in fact I think it will be a great weight off my shoulders to not be failing at something every month anymore, because that is how it feels now.

I am carrying on now because DH wants to and for the most part so do I, but I obsess more than he has any idea, TTC literally takes over my waking hours - I am a crazy mad woman and I look forward to not being like this forever.

Chipper i know what you mean about wanting to stop failing each month. And prinpo I agree that the loss of the future is the loss that will bite. I just suspect that I didn't grieve properly for the mc's.

Do you think that grieving for the mcs can be done while you're ttc, or do you think that being on that horrible cycle of hope and disappointment stops that process from happening?

Out of interest, how long did people leave it until they started ttc after their mcs? After the second one I was absolutely certain that I wanted to start trying immediately but, on reflection, realised that I needed a break and that I was almost relieved at not having to think about it all for a while. It was so good to have my life back for a while. I feel less stressed about it now that we've started trying again, but I do worry that if I get pregnant I will just have another mc. I know that statistically it's unlikely but after two in a row statistics don't hold much water.

We started after what I thought was my first AF post mc but then went on to bleed again 2 weeks later so no idea if I have even had an AF yet. It has been 10 weeks though.

I think if I had a second mc that I would have wait longer and like you Prinpo having another one really worries me. In fact any future pregnancies will be stressful til the baby is delivered safely.

I think that I have grieved fully for my mc, I have a friend who is due when I was and no longer feel desperately sad when she talks about the future.

I think when I get to due date and I am not pregnant I think that will be awful - anyway a few months off yet so will not think about that just yet.

Hi all,

Just in answer to your MC question about how much time we waited, we started TTC as soon as the MC was over. That was what I felt I needed to do as I already knew that something was wrong a week before I actually had the MC, so the initial shock and pain had started to ease by the time it happened. I just wanted to move forward.

I was very lucky that 6 weeks later I conceived DD1, so for me it was the right decision. But it was a very early MC, just 5 weeks.

We started right away both times (5 weeks, 8weeks mmc) First time I just wanted to get on with it, second time I wasn't sure I could, but needed to and felt shouldn't wait because of my age. But I do think that for the first few months I felt like I was trying to get back onto the horse, like the pregnancy was delayed rather than lost. Which I think has made grieving properly harder. So with thinking of stopping its coming to terms that those pregnancies were lost, not delayed.

I'm so glad there are some people to talk this through with, it really helps me, hope it does you too

SarahMTA, have you thought about taking a couple of months off? I know it may sound unappealing but one of the reasons we took a break after the second mc (both were at 11 weeks) was because my sister-in-law suggested that I needed a break. At the time I felt quite resentful of the suggestion, as though she didn't really understand how much I longed for another baby, but the time off really helped. I suppose what it started for me (and what this thread is continuing) is the process of beginning to imagine what a different sort of future would be like. I still have the hope of another child because we're still trying but I'm starting to imagine what life will be like if it doesn't happen so it's a bit more gradual than stopping once and for all and knowing that that's it.

It may be a bad suggestion (I know that I had to get over the worry of what if that was going the be 'the month') but I thought I would mention it as I definitely feel more relaxed after some 'time off'.

Its a good thought prinpo certainly worth mulling over with DH, (and probably back on here again )

I don't really know why I was back looking at the conception threads particularly except out of habit, but reading this one seems that there are folks here who are in the same situation as I posted on this miscarriage thread.

I am currently waiting for a d&c for my first missed miscarriage. I have had 6 previous miscarriages which I let happen themselves. But this time I can't wait for it to happen. One of the miscarriages I had last year, did not pass out from me, but grimly got reabsorbed, and it looks like this one is doing the same, and I can't face going through that again. I am booked for a d&c in 8 days time, it feels like an eternity away.

My reaction this time is different from previous times and I am now thinking that it is time for me not to ttc again. But I know that right now in the middle of a miscarriage is not the time to make decisions. But I do need to go through some thought processes to work out what is best for me.

With my first miscarriage (5weeks) we started ttc immediately the miscarriage ended. And concieved immediately, and have wonderful ds2 as a result. He is now nearly 2 years old and we have been trying again since he was born. In that time I have had 6 more miscarriages. I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained from being pregnant so many times in the last 18 months. Most times we have started ttc immediately, only one time did I leave it until after my next af before ttc again.

Every time I have made a deadline for stopping ttc, it seems to get moved. I am wondering whether the time has come to enforce the deadline, if that makes sence.

rainbowdays, thanks for the link to the other thread. I've just read it through. I'm so, so sorry for all of your losses. Two mcs feels bad enough; I can't imagine what it feels like to go through so many. I hope that you are managing while you wait for your d&c. My thoughts will be with you over the next week.

One of the comments that jumped out at me was about carrying on while one feels there is hope and trusting that one would know when to stop. It made me realise that I definitely still feel hope, I'm not ready to stop. I hope that I will know if that time comes, although I'm not sure that I trust myself not to get completely obsessed and carry on regardless. Who knows. Anyway, it was useful for me to clarify to myself where I am at the moment so thanks.

Rainbowdays I'm so sad for your losses, I can't imagine what you have been though in the past 18th months.

I know the NHS are very keen on the 'you have one child so it can happen theory' but 6 in a row. I would push your GP for some tests. Maybe you've had some I don't know your full situation.

On the when to try again after MC I've fallen into two camps. The first time it wasn't planned and although we were very pleased at the BFP we came to terms with it wasn't meant to be and waited 7 months before trying, bought a wreck of a house and started wrecking it further. My second pg also ended at 9 weeks and we were devistated. We then decided to wait till after the summer to enjoy some quality time together before trying again and the next pg resulted in our lovely DD in Summer 2007.

I had another MMc early last Dec. Because I am 38 I didn't want to leave it too long before trying again, but we did have a none TTC Christmas and new year.

For me I need to enjoy things you can't do when you're pregnant in between to grieve and stop feeling the monthly disappointment on top.

Is that two camps, maybe not. Basically I need to do something positive while not pregnant inbetween and whether that takes me 7 months or 2, for me the time out matters.

I think I'm like you Prinpo and have the potential to become obsessed so I need to actively do other things to stop that. For example we are currently TTC but I have a bi annual weekend away with my girl friends in 4 weeks. If I get the BFP before then I will tell them - we're a group of 4 close friends and their support has been invaluable in the past even though none of them have experienced MC. If I don't get the BFP I will be sad but will console myself with some quailty me time with my friends. I will fully endulge in the staying up late, eating far too much and drinking copious ammounts of wine that the others will be partaking in and enjoying being me as an individual. But to be honest I'm hoping I go as the nominated driver that can't eat too late and has an afternoon nap

By heck I'm rambling, sorry I don't get to post very often so just getting my word quota in