coming to terms with stopping TTC after MC - lets support each other

[SarahMumtoAlex]

Well, I don't know if there is anyone to join, but I'm hoping I won't be alone. I have a lovely DS who's 4 in April, and have been trying for a second for just under two years. I've had two miscarriages, concieved both times after about 6 months of trying. Now just finishing my 5th month after last mc. I'm 44. Between worrying that fertility and viability will only get worse with time, and finding the monthly disappointment crushing and reopening the wounds of mc, I don't know how much longer I can go on.

I haven't stopped yet, but I often like to try and come to terms with things in advance if I can.

I find that the idea of stopping trying casts a different kind of light on the grief of the mc's - I can't even write it yet. But I know that the pain of trying is getting too much.

So there I am. Anyone else in the same or similar boat and want support through this time?

Hi Rainbowdays so sorry to hear about your losses. You certainly are very strong to have carried on. One of the women on the ttc after mc thread said recently that you know its time to try when the pain of not trying overcomes the fear of trying. It might not be that time for you, but it could come again.

This idea of taking a break, pausing, seems to be coming up a lot. I find it hard to know what that would be like, because I'm pretty black and white. Unless we took steps to avoid pregnancy (which would feel weird) I know I would be obsessing in the 2ww anyway which is the really painful part. Its the agony of hope.

Good to talk with you all

Rainbowdays, my heart goes out to you also.

SarahMumtoAlex - I agree with the you about the 2ww being the worst thing about it all, I have currently convinced myself I am pregnant (which would be a miracle this month due to not a lot of SWI). This will be my first full cycle post mc in Dec and not sure how I am going to manage when AF arrives, and that is what makes me lean towards giving up.

With regard to taking a break, we did actively avoid conceiving. I've spoken to a friend who ttc for 10 years (they eventually had a little girl) and it's something she did too for a few months. It didn't feel too weird, it felt quite liberating. It was good for us to have sex for the sake of having sex and made me realise a few uncomfortable truths, such as how I'd slipped into thinking "what's the point" if DH got a bit frisky outside of my fertile time of the month. We didn't take a break for long. I had the last mc in November and we've had one cycle of starting again so we only had a couple of months off, from memory. I think even one month would have been enough for me, I just needed to have a break (during which I ate steak so rare a good vet could have revived it and, of course, drank plenty of wine).

I have to agree with the actively preventing ttc is a positive move sometimes and as Prinpo says, it is liberating. I will definitely be actively preventing conception in the next couple of months. I intend to lose the weight I have gained with being pregnant, and to have a few evenings of guilt-free wine drinking with my dinner in the evenings. I will take time to spend for me and also time to spend with my dh. And hopefully after a couple of months we will be able to decide if we want a more permanent stop to ttc, or if we can face one last go?