TTC at 39 - Should we delay trying to conceive because of a family wedding?

[Clare1207]

I'm about to turn 39 in a few days and ttc. We've only just started ttc (this will be our first cycle actively trying). With my age, I know I may struggle to get pregnant, especially because I'm not the healthiest I've ever been in terms of weight (something I am actively attempting to sort, but really struggling with - I'm under weight management at the hospital). I don't smoke at all and don't drink just for info.

Now my BiL is getting married next June, super excited for him and his soon to be wife, absolutely adore both of them. My question, which may sound silly but I'm really stressing over it, is do you think me and my husband should hold off a few months with ttc so I don't end up clashing or having a few week old new born during their wedding? Or at my age should I just keep going and hope it doesn't clash?

The last thing I want to happen is going into labour around the same time or stealing the spotlight by turning up with a newborn to family we've not seen in ages. If I got pregnant straight away (unlikely), I would be due at the end of March which I'm ok with, but as the next few months come and we get closer to a potential June due date, I don't want to do that to them. We've also only just found out the wedding date which is mid-June.

What would you do? Am I being selfish to continue ttc over the next few months and should we just hold off and resume ttc around November/December? Or am I best to just continue because I can't risk wasting time at my age?

This is first baby for both of us, so we have zero reference for any issues we may have, I've never been pregnant so would want to find out any issues asap.

If you were 29 maybe, but at 39 I would definitely keep trying and cross that bridge if needed.

In your position, I would keep trying.
You never have a guarantee on how a pregnancy will go and how you will feel. You could delay a month and end up delivering early, or you might feel unlucky in the last month or two and be unable or unwilling to attend.

There's a small chance you will miss the day, whatever approach you take, which will be a shame but hopefully you will get a chance to catch up with them close to the event, and if you do go with a newborn, you wouldn't necessarily steal the spotlight if you're respectful - guests will have plenty of time for more than one excitement and the day will be set up to celebrate them, so you can stay well out of the limelight if that happens.

I'm almost 2 years down the line and still trying, don't hold off as you don't know how long things will take would be my opinion.

No. You don't have time to delay

You'd be mad to stop trying. If tje wedding ends up being so close to your due date that you can't make it that would be a shame but very unlikely.

Taking a baby to a wedding isn't stealing a spotlight. That's a horrible way to think about a happy day and a family event. Unless your BIL and his fiancee are pathetically insecure narcissists, and it doesn't sound like they are then it will only be adding to the sum of the day's happiness to have a baby at their wedding.

Keep trying, as you know late 30s fertility starts declining. I'm 37, 38 next weekend and not trying not preventing at the moment. I was on the pill for years so not sure what my cycles will be like either. This is also first cycle. Good luck hope you get your positive soon

Enjoy the sex and forget the wedding date. Best of luck.

We all get on very well. Half my husband's family is from another country (dad, aunts, uncles, cousins) so we've not seen them in years and they'll all be there for the wedding which is what I meant by stealing the spotlight a bit. If we turned up with a baby they'd all go mental over him/her since it's a very family centric country.

I know it's unlikely I'll even get pregnant that quickly so I probably have nothing at all to worry about.

Definitely don’t postpone it

I came off the pill a few years back because I hated being on it, but this is our first cycle not preventing any other way. Good luck to you as well!

You're right, there's every chance, even if I'm months off a due date, I may be too unwell to even attend anyway. I've be gutted missing their wedding but we never know what could happen I suppose.

I got pregnant at 41 but then secondary fertility. Don't delay ttc. You will regret it. You still have a chance at 39. Another year is huge in the fertility world due to rapid decline.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your BIL and his fiancee (that seems to be rare on here!). Only a complete narcissist would be annoyed that someone didn't arrange their conception around their wedding, so crack on.

God no! Imagine if you couldn’t conceive… nobody would mind if you both had to cancel to have the baby or had a babe in arms. You’re not stealing anyone’s spotlight by having a baby.

I wouldn't wait personally, no. I met my husband later in life and we knew we were going to marry (and were engaged) but decided that we would try for a baby first and marriage could wait (whereas my fertility may not). As it goes I fell pregnant the first month of trying. Our daughter was our beautiful flower girl 18 months later 💕
Edited to add - and this was our marriage whereas I know you are referring to someone else's x
PS. I turned up to my ex-BILs wedding with a one week-old (my first born). Tbh he did get a lot of attention that day! He's almost 19 now 😀

keep trying!

Well the advice seems to be overwhelmingly carry on and don't postpone. I know it must seem like a silly thing to be worrying about, especially because I'm on really good terms with my in-laws all round. I just didn't want to come across as trying to steal attention or something because I'd hate it if they thought that of me.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice 😊

@Clare1207 My one week-old (first born) did look super cute at my (now ex) BILs wedding tbf - he got lots of attention!
I, on the other hand, was rather sore and a bit out of it as a first-time mum with a 3-day labour (ventouse and forceps!)
Also; shopping for a suitable outfit for me proved interesting at around 5 days post-partum!
Not ideal timing but I did it!

If someone thought me having a child was ‘stealing their spotlight’ I’m not sure they’d be the type of people I’d want to concern myself with anyway. You say they’re nice so if that’s true I doubt that’s how they’d see it. Would you think that if it were reversed?

if you take a break and never get pregnant would you wonder what if, or would you think well at least we took that break and I didn’t steal anyone’s attention?

Of course keep trying for a baby. That's your priority, not someone else's wedding.

The wedding might not even happen.....

Keep trying! As you know fertility declines at that age. If your in-laws think as much of you, as you of them, they will be more than happy for you!

Good Luck!

Keep trying. If you get pregnant then you can work out the logistics, realistically you might want to leave early anyway with a small baby ( you might not) am sure the bride and groom will manage and will still have their day. Once you are pregnant and feel comfortable then tell them and I am sure they will be happy for you. You might also have the other problem of being in the early stages of pregnancy and trying to hide it! Good luck

The drop off is 39/40 for fertility. Eveey cycle counts.
I am 39 and have had 4 early miscarriages in the last 13 months.

If you really want children time is literally of the essence.

At 39 there is a very short list of reasons I would be delaying TTC and someone else's wedding in a year's time is not one of them!

I'm 33, family wedding similar time next year. Been trying a couple of months, just had a chemical. I'm not stopping trying. We'll deal with it if it happens.