Heartbroken about IVF

[InfertilityShminterfility]

I'm really struggling at the moment. My first IVF appointment is coming up this month and the closer I get to it, the more I feel like a failure.

I'm angry that friends and family don't understand, don't know what to say and therefore either ignore the subject entirely, or try to be overly positive which ends up being quite dismissive. Everyone seems to think that IVF is a doddle, a miracle that'll get us our baby first time and any time I've tried to explain that's not the case, I feel like I'm deemed pessimistic. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a drama queen and no one actually cares. I've barely spoken to anyone about how I'm actually feeling because I'm scared I'll be dismissed.

I feel like I'm about to go through something huge and life changing and daunting and absolutely no one (apart from my husband) cares. And I KNOW that most people truly don't actually care what their friends and family are going through because they're removed from it, it's not happening to them so what do they actually care, but I feel so disappointed with people.

My friend just told me she's pregnant and I feel like such an idiot for having spoken to her recently about IVF, now knowing that she was pregnant and I just didn't know it yet, and I feel like she was just sitting there either laughing at me or pitying me. It makes me feel SO small and so stupid.

And the dumbest thing is that I was prepared for this, I'd read over and over again women on these boards saying how isolating IVF is and that so many people don't care, don't know what to say, avoid the subject entirely but this has all come as a massive slap in the face, I feel so downtrodden.

I'm the emotional bin for everyone else. I talk everyone through their problems and feelings and I support them and then when I need it in return, I don't get it. I feel like such an idiot.

I have two suggestions for you. Firstly, does the IVF clinic offer counseling sessions? You need to get all these thoughts and feelings off your chest with someone who knows what IVF is like and who has experience helping women going through it.
Secondly, once you’ve found that support from someone who does understand, cut yourself a bit of slack here. You’re imagining all your friends and family pitying you or laughing at you or just not caring. Is it really that they don’t care about you or more that they don’t know what to say to help you and they are trying but just keep missing the mark. They are not emotionally invested in whether IVF works or not for you because they love YOU and they will love you regardless of whether or not you have a child. When the thing you want most in the world is a child then I can see how their reactions would hurt but don’t fall into the trap of feeling like no one cares about you. I’m sure they do, they just aren’t equipped to give you the support you need in the way you need right now.
So, find support from someone who does understand, and trust that your family and friends not understanding your pain right now does not mean they don’t love you, just that they don’t understand.

Hey op

sounds like your really going through it❤️

I don’t know anything about IVF but I can promise you no one will be laughing at you or anything alike. If I were your friends/family I would welcome you sitting me down and having a heart to heart about how you feel and what your expectations are from family etc.

your not alone. A lot of people won’t understand but that doesn’t make your journey any less important. ❤️

Op, if as you say, no one cares that you are going through IVF, why would they be laughing at you or pitying you? That doesn't make sense.

A close friend of mine went through IVF. She told me it was in the plan and I knew when the first appointment was.

It's a personal medical issue so I was careful not to pry, restricted myself to a general "how are you?" I couldn't advise her and knew little about the process but led by her if she wanted to talk.

Surely the IVf nurses are there to support you and are much better informed.

It sounds like you are having a difficult time so please be kind and gentle to yourself. I am also sure that your friends and family are not laughing at or pitying you. They will just want what's best for you, though they may not always be able to pick the appropriate language to convey that.
My husband and I welcomed our perfect baby girl, conceived by IVF, last year and, while it was a long and sometimes harrowing journey, we were still able to find joy in life while going through the treatment. Needing to use IVF to conceive should be absolutely no source of shame or despair and while, yes, it comes with no guarantees of success and the process can be heartbreaking at times, there is no need to begin treatment with an impending sense of dread as it can offer a wonderful ray of hope to those suffering from infertility which would not be available otherwise. It is a magnificent medical marvel to which we have only had access for under fifty years, I think it is worth remembering that the outlook for people in our position would have been much bleaker in the days before IVF.
We chose to tell almost nobody we were having IVF. This was not due to any sense of shame but because I did not want the extra stress of well-meaning friends and family asking how the process was going, especially when we had no happy news for them yet. My husband and I were able to support each other and our fertility clinic were wonderful. I know this approach would not work for everyone, but sharing our struggles with others just was not something we were comfortable with.
Wishing you all the best on your journey. x

I'm sure it does, but we just haven't got that far yet. I'll be accepting any counselling offered though, I won't shy away from it at all.

I know you're right and it's what my husband has been saying too. I'm positive they don't know what to say or do, and not once have I ever held that against them in any other bad situation in life (granted not as shitty as this, more like grandparents and pets dying, bad news at work, etc). I'm not relying on any of them to know exactly what to say or how to make me feel better. I'm more just baffled that it's not mentioned at all. It's like it isn't happening. I've described it as I feel like I've dyed my hair bright pink and everyone can see, but no one has mentioned it. It's very isolating.

Are you talking about it, with them?? Do you bring up the subject? If you do and they’re not engaging in the conversation then that’s not so good. Bit if you don’t then I’m not that surprised that they aren’t starting that conversation. I don’t think I would really, unless it was my sister. It’s a very difficult thing to get right as some women don’t want to discuss it all.
Also it is possible to be sad and concerned about things happening in your friends life (like infertility) without pitying them. Your friend may well have put off telling you about her pregnancy so she wouldn’t upset you. Many threads on here talk about how they don’t want to hear about others pregnancy when they’re struggling themselves.
If you want specific things from people you have to tell them. I hope this journey brings you what you want and it’s as smooth as possible.

i’ll suggest to you what i tell my friends, acupuncture has a good track record of helping couples get pregnant and i’d highly recommend.

have a look for local ones who specialise in fertility and women’s health.

it can really make a difference to getting pregnant and staying pregnant. the ones i’ve been to (not for that for my other health issues) have walls covered in baby photos and thank you cards.

at £60 a go here it’s well worth trying it. you obv want to do all you can to have a baby and acupuncture is a good starting point. it does stuff western medicines cannot do. we don’t really understand it in the uk but i put my trust in them because i know from personal experience it works. the therapists understand it and that’s all i need to know. we ate too busy with big pharma. this is a good alternative. also good for morning sickness, worry, fear and stress etc.

I think if you want your friends to talk with you about it then you’re going to need to be the one to start those conversations. If your female friends had no issues having their own babies they may be super wary of getting on to the subject of your IVF because they worry that there’s nothing they can say which doesn’t risk making them sound pitying or smug or just tone deaf. That doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be able to hear you and support you talking about it if that’s what you want, just that they don’t want to upset you by saying the wrong thing and the usual friend thing of relating and talking similar personal experiences is just not going to work here.

Thank you. Congratulations on your daughter!

I think I'll end up fine with the IVF, I know it's a medical marvel and whilst I'm scared of it, I'm sure I'll be ok and deal with it as best I can. For some reason my brain has decided to focus on the social relationship part of the process, which comes as a surprise to me to be honest. I've never been the type to be very open about my feelings with anyone other than my husband, so I've really caught myself off guard and have probably caught my friends and family off guard too, so I can't really expect them to know what to do, now can I.

I just have an overwhelming feeling of disappointment in people in general, but perhaps that's just my brain wanting to avoid the difficult feelings I'm having about myself and projecting them onto others.

A few people know that we've had trouble conceiving and IVF has been mentioned, but we've chosen to tell very few people when we're starting. Again - I can't expect people to know these things if I haven't told them! Let alone then be annoyed at them for not reacting appropriately! I feel like a complete mess to be honest, hahah. I know I'm being completely unreasonable but my brain just keeps focusing on it regardless.

I've spoken to some people about it and their reactions were to essentially change the subject, even though I didn't say anything heavy. More like they asked how my weekend was and I said "Overall fine, but I'm a bit down about needing to start IVF soon, it feels really scary even though it's a step closer" and the response I get is "Oh no that's not nice. Did I tell you about the concert I went to?" so it's made me avoid speaking to others, yet projecting those shitty reactions on them even though they're not the ones that reacted that way.

I'm fully aware that most of this is just me being unreasonable. I know people don't know what to say, how to say it, don't know if they should bring stuff up or avoid it entirely. I just needed to get these feelings out, to be honest.

You’re not being completely unreasonable! Some people are rubbish about his kind of thing and will let you down a bit. It’s ok to feel this way as long as you recognise that sometimes you’re being a little unfair and act accordingly.

I think it's really natural to be stressed and I can understand why it comes out in terms of social relationships. IVF is really lonely, and you naturally want to talk to someone, but some people are funny about it and some people don't understand. Have you found the Infertility board? There are long-running IVF threads there with people who will be very supportive (and people don't generally get into the 'have you tried x, you should try x because it's magic and you will get pregnant' nonsense, which personally I found really shit).

IVF is really hard and I do think a lot of people imagine it is very simple - you're just going to get all the hard work done in a test tube somewhere while you sit around. Wrong! And some people have a weird kind of hang-up about it. You wouldn't talk to them about your sex life, and in their minds, somehow, talking about IVF is a little the same, and they forget you might need a bit of support.

There absolutely is a tendency for people to presume IVF will be easy and will work first time, and/or to think that by being 'positive' and assuring you it'll work, they're helping. They probably mean well.

I don't think anyone feels you're small or stupid. It's just a rotten situation.

You need to find your people who will hold your hand through it. Good luck!

I’ve got a friend who is going through IVF and if it weren’t for the fact she’s been so open about it (exactly what is happening and when), I have to admit I probably wouldn’t have asked either.

I care about her very much but I’m also aware it’s a very painful subject and the whole journey is filled with ‘what ifs’ and not being sure if it’s ok to feel hope or not. At times she too has felt like her body is failing her, especially when it feels like it happens so easily for everyone else. It all seems very unfair. Throughout it all, I’ve not wanted to upset her and had she not volunteered the info, I would have supported her generally but wouldn’t have asked specific questions in case I was causing her more upset. The last thing anyone wants to do is put their foot in it and hurt a friend who is already going through so much.

Of the people around you, have you got a couple of trusted friends you could really share with? Ask if you can explain what’s happening and the many ups and downs of the process? They might be grateful for the details and happy to support you in a more focused way. And yes, counselling might really help too.

Ok, I think you are tying up all sorts of separate things into one ball:

IVF - it’s a big thing. It’s a significant and important thing in your life. But it’s a marathon, not a sprint and you need to take it step by step.

Take a deep breath and take it in stages. Focus on the next step, not the whole marathon. There’s nothing to be scared about. It’s not “fun” but there are worse things to go through.

People who havent been through it don’t understand, of course they don’t.

Your friends and family - it sounds like you feel you’ve done lots of them and not got much back. That’s a separate thing from the IVF. It’s ok to step back from
being quite as available to other people while you are going through something difficult. Think about where your boundaries generally need shoring up.

No one is laughing at you. Why on Earth would they be?

Generally I find of you need supper it’s best to be explicit about what you need “I’m anxious about my IVF and want to sit down and talk though my worries please”

Best of luck 💐💐💐💐

OP, I totally understand where you’re coming from. DH (35) and I (31) had been trying for 2 years when we decided to IVF. In those 2 years, I had a PCOS diagnosis, 1 ectopic pregnancy which resulted in a rupture at 12 weeks and a lost tube. And you know what? When DH and I told people we were doing IVF, the responses we got were “oooh are you excited?!” - excited? Are you fucking kidding me?!?! NO. We are terrified!

Honestly, people have no idea. Like you said, people think IVF will magically result in success and a baby first time. How little they know! But we can’t blame them because most people never have to go through the process and can’t even fathom the heartbreak and emotional turmoil.

If it helps, we’ve had a good experience so far. We did our first round in January 2025 - ended up with a good result (25 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 10 fertilised, 6 blastocysts). We didn’t end up transferring any yet due to personal reasons. But we have 6 very good quality embryos in the freezer waiting for us when we’re ready.

Hoping for a great result for you. Just remember to take care of yourself. Go for walks, get sunlight, rest enough. 🩷

Thank you x
I feel like I knew all of this going on and was prepared, but it's all just hit me in the face quite dramatically!

Yeah you're totally right. I have found it, yeah. I plan to join one of the long running threads once we actually start the process, so just waiting to see what happens after this first appointment.

People really do assume it's easy and that it'll all work first time, or they think positivity is the only way to respond whereas I'm someone who needs realism, not positivity or negativity, just pure reality. I need to remember I can't hold that against anyone as we're all just different.

Thank you xx

Yes I think you're right, most people wouldn't ask unless invited to.

I have a friend who has been through IVF herself, but any time we've briefly chatted about it she hasn't really given many details, or annoyingly her husband has taken over the conversation and made it all about how difficult it was for him 🙄

I have a couple of other friends who are usually quite good with shitty situations, so perhaps they're the ones to talk to every now and then when I need a bit of support, and I'll definitely be starting counselling!

I hadn't looked at it like that to be honest, I think you're right and I'm tying it all together. A few family members and a couple of friends have been going through tough times recently and I'm always the go to, I always try and help as best I can and offer support, so I think that now that I'm not getting the same in return, I'm really quite bitter about it. I feel bad about "pulling back" but at the same time I can't really offer anything if my cup is totally empty.

Thank you!

I think the thing to remember is that this isnt specific to IVF. You’d find the same if you were going through chemo, or redundancy or a bereavement, or big exams or an international house move.

People who haven’t been through it don’t get it. They won’t know automatically what you need. And what you need wouldnt automatically suit someone else, so even those who have been through it might not automatically give you what you need because they wouldn’t have liked that themselves.

We’re not great about talking about hard, emotional, stressful stuff. Talk to your DH about it, he’s who’ll you need to lean on the most.

If the treatment is successful you’ll finish IVF pregnant, which is a whole other hard, stressful thing with no rest in between. You need to pace yourself, keep yourself calm and keep everything in perspective.

Marathon, not sprint, one step at a time.

Wow that's a lot of shit to deal with, no wonder you were terrified. I can't believe you were asked if you were excited! It really does seem to be people being oblivious rather than uncaring, doesn't it. No, we can't blame them, but I can still be pissed off with them at various points 😂

Thanks for that, I'm glad you've had a good experience and that's a great result. How did you find dealing with all the extra hormones floating around with the injections etc? I'm a bit worried that as I'm already quite down, they'll make me feel worse. I wish you all the best for the future too xxx

IVF is hard and can be very lonely, even with a loving and supportive partner by your side. I also found that people didn't really want to talk about it and I think it's because people don't really understand how it works tbh, not that they didn't care.

I think it's also very hard for people to know what to say when it doesn't work, as you only ever really hear about all the miracle babies not the people who have many failed rounds who remain childless. It is perhaps easier for them to not talk about it out of fear of saying something wrong and hurting your feelings.

I would recommend having talking therapy alongside your treatment and I wish you all the best for your treatment.

Thanks for that, I'll remember to just take it step by step and not to expect people to know what to say/do. You're right that it applies to all big things in life, not just IVF. Thank you 💐

I had a lot of 'are you excited?' too. And people who meant well. I have two lovely, wonderful friends who would ask me about every stage - which I did so appreciate - but then it'd be 'ooh, you got eight mature eggs retrieved! WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABIES!' and I did have to keep saying look, it probably won't work. I don't think they really got how tricky it was that they'd keep referring to 'the baby' when I knew very well it was quite unlikely for there to be any baby.

I would say, it's fine to explain to people what it's like, because when people really don't know, they don't know what to say. I agree with the PP who talks about breaking it down into stages, but you can do that for friends/family too. So at the moment they might understand better if you say 'we're nervous about the first appointment because we will find out x, y and z which might be difficult' (for me, for example, I didn't know if I had enough eggs left). Then later on you might be saying 'I'm struggling because I'm on progesterone for IVF and it's a sort of artificial menopause, so I feel a bit crap'.

Then people understand better.

Someone I know told me very bluntly (which I appreciated) that she had had absolutely no clue what IVF involved until I did it. She genuinely did not realise what it was like. And why would she?

Like other posters, this isn’t something I would directly ask a friend about. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t ask people about ANY medical procedures because those kinds of things are personal and often private. So I’m one of those who sticks with platitudes like ‘How is everything going?’ or ‘How are you doing?’ I would hope that friends can respond to that by opening up if they want to, or by changing the subject if that’s what suits them.

I wish you all the very best for your treatment.