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Original poster

Heartbroken about IVF

33 replies

InfertilityShminterfility · 09/02/2026 10:57

I'm really struggling at the moment. My first IVF appointment is coming up this month and the closer I get to it, the more I feel like a failure.

I'm angry that friends and family don't understand, don't know what to say and therefore either ignore the subject entirely, or try to be overly positive which ends up being quite dismissive. Everyone seems to think that IVF is a doddle, a miracle that'll get us our baby first time and any time I've tried to explain that's not the case, I feel like I'm deemed pessimistic. I feel like everyone thinks I'm a drama queen and no one actually cares. I've barely spoken to anyone about how I'm actually feeling because I'm scared I'll be dismissed.

I feel like I'm about to go through something huge and life changing and daunting and absolutely no one (apart from my husband) cares. And I KNOW that most people truly don't actually care what their friends and family are going through because they're removed from it, it's not happening to them so what do they actually care, but I feel so disappointed with people.

My friend just told me she's pregnant and I feel like such an idiot for having spoken to her recently about IVF, now knowing that she was pregnant and I just didn't know it yet, and I feel like she was just sitting there either laughing at me or pitying me. It makes me feel SO small and so stupid.

And the dumbest thing is that I was prepared for this, I'd read over and over again women on these boards saying how isolating IVF is and that so many people don't care, don't know what to say, avoid the subject entirely but this has all come as a massive slap in the face, I feel so downtrodden.

I'm the emotional bin for everyone else. I talk everyone through their problems and feelings and I support them and then when I need it in return, I don't get it. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
ShortAndIntense · 09/02/2026 17:21

InfertilityShminterfility · 09/02/2026 12:41

Wow that's a lot of shit to deal with, no wonder you were terrified. I can't believe you were asked if you were excited! It really does seem to be people being oblivious rather than uncaring, doesn't it. No, we can't blame them, but I can still be pissed off with them at various points 😂

Thanks for that, I'm glad you've had a good experience and that's a great result. How did you find dealing with all the extra hormones floating around with the injections etc? I'm a bit worried that as I'm already quite down, they'll make me feel worse. I wish you all the best for the future too xxx

Show quote history

The injections/hormones affect everyone differently and friends of mine who have had multiple rounds say every round is different too, but to be honest, I felt completely fine. The only part that I found hard was the last few days before egg collection because my ovaries were so big. I was very uncomfortable and grumpy for around 3 days, but was fine after. I was sore after the retrieval for a day or two, but that quickly goes away too.

When you first get your meds, it can be overwhelming just down to the sheer volume of them (I wish someone had told me this because I burst into tears when I saw all the boxes), but remember that it’s only a small amount every day, take it step by step. Buy a diary or wall chart so you can write all meds down and tick them off, and get yourself an ice pack to use before injections (game changer!). Before you know it, you’ll be all done and it’ll be time for egg collection. 🩷 you’ll be brilliant x

TwiceTwoDouble · 11/02/2026 13:34

When telling people that we’d got pregnant after several rounds of IVF quite a few people were astonished that IVF doesn’t always work, they seemed to think it was a magic bullet. I guess that’s why people ask if you are “excited”.

Original poster
InfertilityShminterfility · 11/02/2026 14:30

SarahAndQuack · 09/02/2026 12:50

I had a lot of 'are you excited?' too. And people who meant well. I have two lovely, wonderful friends who would ask me about every stage - which I did so appreciate - but then it'd be 'ooh, you got eight mature eggs retrieved! WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABIES!' and I did have to keep saying look, it probably won't work. I don't think they really got how tricky it was that they'd keep referring to 'the baby' when I knew very well it was quite unlikely for there to be any baby.

I would say, it's fine to explain to people what it's like, because when people really don't know, they don't know what to say. I agree with the PP who talks about breaking it down into stages, but you can do that for friends/family too. So at the moment they might understand better if you say 'we're nervous about the first appointment because we will find out x, y and z which might be difficult' (for me, for example, I didn't know if I had enough eggs left). Then later on you might be saying 'I'm struggling because I'm on progesterone for IVF and it's a sort of artificial menopause, so I feel a bit crap'.

Then people understand better.

Someone I know told me very bluntly (which I appreciated) that she had had absolutely no clue what IVF involved until I did it. She genuinely did not realise what it was like. And why would she?

Wow that's mad, I think it really does go to show that most people are utterly clueless about the whole situation. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

I like what you're saying about breaking it down into stages and being very straightforward with how I'm feeling when I want to talk about it, thanks for that.

I'm feeling a lot more positive since the past couple of days. I think my friend announcing her pregnancy threw me into a little bit of a tailspin but now that the news has sunk in, I feel a bit better. I also managed to find a counselor who's been through IVF herself, so I'm pleased.

OP posts:
Original poster
InfertilityShminterfility · 11/02/2026 14:32

Waitingfordoggo · 09/02/2026 12:59

Like other posters, this isn’t something I would directly ask a friend about. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t ask people about ANY medical procedures because those kinds of things are personal and often private. So I’m one of those who sticks with platitudes like ‘How is everything going?’ or ‘How are you doing?’ I would hope that friends can respond to that by opening up if they want to, or by changing the subject if that’s what suits them.

I wish you all the very best for your treatment.

Yes, that makes sense. Perhaps I've just been feeling a bit sensitive about it all. I would feel uncomfortable asking someone outright about their "medical issue" so I shouldn't expect it of others. Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
InfertilityShminterfility · 11/02/2026 14:33

ShortAndIntense · 09/02/2026 17:21

The injections/hormones affect everyone differently and friends of mine who have had multiple rounds say every round is different too, but to be honest, I felt completely fine. The only part that I found hard was the last few days before egg collection because my ovaries were so big. I was very uncomfortable and grumpy for around 3 days, but was fine after. I was sore after the retrieval for a day or two, but that quickly goes away too.

When you first get your meds, it can be overwhelming just down to the sheer volume of them (I wish someone had told me this because I burst into tears when I saw all the boxes), but remember that it’s only a small amount every day, take it step by step. Buy a diary or wall chart so you can write all meds down and tick them off, and get yourself an ice pack to use before injections (game changer!). Before you know it, you’ll be all done and it’ll be time for egg collection. 🩷 you’ll be brilliant x

Show quote history

Thanks for that. I can imagine myself having the same reaction after seeing the amount of meds, so I'll prepare myself and my husband! Great shout about the ice pack and a wall chart to tick off, I'll find both really helpful and it'll give me an excuse to get some nice stationery, haha! Thanks so much 🩷

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 11/02/2026 14:44

Oh gosh, ivf really was the thing that broke me again and again. I really recommend joining a fertility forum something like fertilityfriends.co.uk, its uk based and I can honestly say some 16 years on from when I probably joined it a few of my best friends are from there. While it would be lovely if your usual collection of friends understood there is a different level of understanding from those who are going through it with you.

Peonies12 · 11/02/2026 15:02

There's a lot going on here. I don't know why you think anyone is laughing at you. Unfortunately a lot of people feel uncomfortable discussing fertility etc, or don't know what to say so they say nothing, or say something which you might not think is right. When my friend was having IVF, I didn't bring it up, I let her bring it up if she wanted to. If someone hasn't been through it, they can't relate, I think you need to adjust your expectations of others. Please consider some counselling as well. If spending time with certain friends/ family is making you stressed, then reduce that for now.

CeciliaMars · 11/02/2026 15:13

I did IVF so I get it. However you can’t expect people who’ve never done it to get it, or understand. It sounds like they can’t say anything right. Just stay in your bubble, lean on your partner and power through. For me, it helped to think of it as a marathon that would eventually result in a baby - it may well not work first or second time. Good luck!

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