Donor vs adoption

[Anonoymous123]

Hi everyone.. i am posting for some guidance/support as i am really struggling. Myself and my husband are coming to terms with infertility- we have explored all options for years and the diagnosis is final that one of us cannot conceive. We are devastated. We are sure we want children in our life's and home and feel we have everything to offer. Its difficult to accept this wont happen the way we took for granted it would.

However i am ethically torn and really struggling so i would appreciate any support or experiences. I hope i have worded this all respectful and considerate and i have the upmost for respect for anyone who has faced and made these decisions. I am breaking my heart and feel at my wits end, i just need help to understand the options and i am open to different view points and lived experiences to help me.

If we use a donor (all evidence suggests telling child in age appropriate manner from they are young which we will do) is this morally/ethically wrong? Will a child understand this decision as an adult? I have read so many horror stories of Donor Conceived Adults angry at their conception and i am terrified of doing this to a child. We would love them entirely and support them completely but are we asking a child/adult to bare consequences of our choices? Will they see us both as parents even if one is not biological? Will they be angry about their conception or potential half siblings out in the world?
The option means one of us will be biological which would surely help the other to bond with child, we would have a pregnancy to prepare and bond, and we would have control over a pregnancy in terms of lifestyle/diet/vitamins etc. There are other pros of this situation in terms of child looking like us etc which i hope does not sound shallow. I feel like we have control over health as donors seem so well screened for genetics/illness and a medical history is provided.

We are also educating ourselves around adoption. We know this is not a replacement for infertility, and is instead a different road to a family, and a way to share our love and resources to give a child a better life. We understand this does not remove the child's experience of being removed from birth parents and this has to be recognised and cared for. While i know we could love a child and offer them a life they deserve. However i am worried about having no control over a pregnancy as ideally we would like the healthiest pregnancy and start in life for a child. I am worried a child wont settle with us as we aren't biological parents. The social worker advised where we live most children are removed due to issues with addiction etc and I am worried a child will want to connect with birth parents when they are older and be influenced by this (again i have read horror stories online). I am worried the child wont look like us and they might struggle to feel part of our home. I am just terrified overall of doing something wrong to hurt a child when they are an adult or mess them up in anyway 😭

I am desperate for advice, thank you for considering my post.

Whilst I really feel for the OP, telling her it’ll be fine, isn’t fully helpful. Sometimes it’s not ‘fine’. I hope your children continue to be fine, but you don’t know how they’ll feel as they get older. My friends sister was ‘fine’ til she started thinking about having her own children and then suddenly wasn’t so ‘fine’ in her late 20s.

I can’t say what others should do, but I think it’s very sensible that OP is reaching out and listening to a variety of stories and outcomes. It reflects well on you OP and I think people like you who are really considering how any future children would feel would make really good parents. Sometimes that isn’t enough to get over the issues and complexities that using a donor can bring though unfortunately. In my friends case, her parents were really good parents but my friend just isn’t ok with it. 😞 I really wish that wasn’t the case, but biology, identity etc really does matter to some people, it is a ‘big deal’ to some people and it can shape their lives.

I really do wish you all the best OP whatever you decide to do going forwards.💐

I feel your post is a little dismissive. Even with the best parental intentions, many donor conceived children will struggle with a sense of identity and their biological origin.

I teach teenagers. The ones who live with both biological parents aren't immune to identity crises either. Being a teenager is hard.

So let’s not make it even harder for them

Life is hard.

People who conceive easily and naturally have no idea really.

Hi OP, this is a huge decision and I'm not surprised you're feeling stressed. My short response is that there is no 'right' answer so dig deep into what feels best for you.

Here's the longer response:

For many women, the urge to experience pregnancy and birth, and mothering a young baby, is very strong and shouldn't be ignored. Adoption can't give you this. Another thing to bear in mind is that, depending on your age, trying donor conception before adoption is more feasible than the other way round.

I had my first child through donor conception and the second through adoption. Both involved a ton load of ethical considerations and a commitment to continuing dialogue with the dc about biological, social and legal parenting. Our situation was quite different to yours, though, as we were a same sex couple from different ethnic backgrounds, so we would never be able to present as a 'normal' family. We also chose a known donor who, 20 years on, is still very involved. (I was going to put 'fathering' then realised that it would sound as if he was having new bsbies, a very different connotation to 'mothering'.)

Clearly issues around identity and knowing are key, but be wary of reading too much into accounts on social media which may not be at all representative. Do your research carefully and bear in mind that there are no guarantees.

On adoption, I think netflixfan's post was far too negative. It's just not true that successful adoptions are 'uncommon'. However, I think it is true that the parenting outcomes that most MNetters aspire to - happy uncomplicated kid who is heading for university - are fairly uncommon for us.

Many adopters struggle to let go of the hope that, with enough love and stability, their children can be just like everyone else's. We learn that our 'normal' is different, that love is not enough, and that most adopted children need high intensity therapeutic parenting.

I love my adopted child to bits and would never not want her here. But raising her to young adulthood has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I am knackered. And yes, I worry about her future and whether I will always need to support her and the children she is bound to have very soon.

I never recommend adoption to people. But if you do it you will find love, you will parent very intensively (while the world around you sees you as a diluted copy of the real thing), and you will become a fierce advocate for your child.

If you choose the donor route, you will have a much more 'normal' experience of parenthood but yes you will have to face some big questions around anonymous donors - and be prepared for the possibility that your child won't see it the way you do.

All motherhood requires accepting enormous responsibilities while having little control of some key areas. Parenting via DC or adoption is this with knobs on. Best of luck with your decision.

We have a child with donor sperm. Told kiddo when they were 1, via a bedtime story book( donor network). So they have always known. I said it was their story to share or not. The story is widely shared as its so interesting. YP is now 19.
We made contact with donor via our clinic. It satisfied an itch but YP never wanted to meet...just wanted to know more. We have photos of the donor, his bio parents ( so bio grandparents). YP is very well adjusted.
For me, it was a huge issue ahead of conception. Once kiddo was here, it became a minor concern, way down the list after keeping a baby alive, then dealing with school, friends, COVID etc.

Good luck.

Hi @Anonoymous123, just sent you private message

DH and I decided on adoption as we felt that we really wanted to have a child that was both of our's biologically and as that wasn't possible then adoption was the only alternative.

We adopted DD and yes she was born addicted to heroin and we have had issues that have affected her physical and mental health over the years.

She is now 17 and has been reconnecting via social media with birth family.

She has decided not to meet them face to face because she can see that their lives are not like her's and she can tell that she wouldn't feel comfortable around them. I've offered to accompany her to meet them but she has said that for the moment she is content to leave things be.

Her birth mother died years ago sadly so it's just the extended family ( an Aunt and cousins ) who have shown an interest in meeting her.

She has said that it's only her birth mother that she would have had any interest in meeting. She said the fact that she spent 9 months in her womb is what makes the bond significant.

She has no interest whatsoever in knowing her birth father. She feels he is completely insignificant to her. She actually described him as just a sperm doner and that as far as she is concerned my DH is her father and she doesn't need another one.

In my situation would you not use a donor then? Would you adopt?!

Hi Ketzele, thank you for this, its great to hear from you with experience of both choices. I am coming to learn from so many peoples comments and feedback that families are built in all different ways in modern times, and we could argue to the end of time which is "right" and which is "wrong". The key message is honesty from the child is young. I have done deep deep soul searching and i know i would feel no different about my mother if i found out her egg didn't technically make me however i also understand this would be a harrowing thing to find out in later life and therefore honesty is vital so if we were doing this we would need to get to a place we can accept the unknown, make peace with the questions and outcomes of our decision but proceed with honesty and transparency.

Hi Stranger years thank you so much for this. Are you a 2 parent family? Does your child see you both as their parents and view the donor as just that? I am so glad to hear of a young adult who is adjusted and understanding of this decision,and its clear you have been honest and transparent from a baby. I have read so many threads and its young children who know and happy, but i often wonder just how much they really understand so its great to hear an adult 19 year olds perspective.

Hi Angels thank you for taking the time to share your story. You sound like a very compassionate and supportive mummy. How did you feel/manage feelings around your daughter meeting with "biological" family or the birth mother had she been alive? I feel drawn to adoption as i think of poor children born into these circumstances through no fault of their own and in some instances, not all, in some, are likely to suffer trauma/neglect etc. We could offer an alternative life and i know a bond, and parentship is not DNA- its based on mutual love and trust. However we have researched and met with adoption keyworks and services and they have emphasized that many children will have learning difficulties/physical ill health which may not present until they are older. I know this could happen with anybody or even a healthy pregnancy, but the odds seem much higher and i selfishly dont know if i could cope with that.

Hi @Anonoymous123
Adoptive mum here- it's true that most children are adopted from local authority care these days, for a variety of reasons. It might be helpful to talk to Adoption Services in your area. They often have information evenings too.
Babies and toddlers are still available for adoption.

Our DD settled very well and family welcomed her just like any other child in our family. We have had problems along the way, she has her difficulties but is a strong, resilient character which has stood her in good stead for life (!)
She is now in a good place after some difficult times, which also impacted on my mental health.
I would say that you need good, strong family support around you- it makes a huge difference. And an understanding GP.

Re birth family; after both parties agreed to letter- box contact (letter and photos via Social Care) ours declined contact despite being written to by SC.
DD is ok with this. She initially said at 18, that she'd like to contact them. We talked about it and said this is her choice to which she simply said ' ok, I won't then'
Absolutely her choice.

Wishing you luck OP

@Anonoymous123 I had no issues or negative feelings about DD meeting her birth family ( she has two siblings she has met with regularly since we adopted her )

When you love a child you do everything to protect team and everything you can to make them happy. If DD could have met her birth mother in a safe environment with my support as an older teen I'd have encouraged it because I know how much it would have meant to DD to have that experience. Sadly it is never to be.

Adoption workers will always give you the worst case scenarios at the early stages of the assessment process. They need you to be honest about what you could and couldn't deal with.

In the later stages there is a check list that you go through to say yes or no to certain issues. It's brutal but you have to be honest.

We adopted two beautiful babies. Our DS is super bright and had no more issues than a non adopted child. The other, our DD, had a far more traumatic early life story and developed health issues at age
12 and mental health issues at 14. It's been a difficult time and her adoption history has definitely made the other issues much harder to deal with but I don't regret anything.