Donor vs adoption

[Anonoymous123]

Hi everyone.. i am posting for some guidance/support as i am really struggling. Myself and my husband are coming to terms with infertility- we have explored all options for years and the diagnosis is final that one of us cannot conceive. We are devastated. We are sure we want children in our life's and home and feel we have everything to offer. Its difficult to accept this wont happen the way we took for granted it would.

However i am ethically torn and really struggling so i would appreciate any support or experiences. I hope i have worded this all respectful and considerate and i have the upmost for respect for anyone who has faced and made these decisions. I am breaking my heart and feel at my wits end, i just need help to understand the options and i am open to different view points and lived experiences to help me.

If we use a donor (all evidence suggests telling child in age appropriate manner from they are young which we will do) is this morally/ethically wrong? Will a child understand this decision as an adult? I have read so many horror stories of Donor Conceived Adults angry at their conception and i am terrified of doing this to a child. We would love them entirely and support them completely but are we asking a child/adult to bare consequences of our choices? Will they see us both as parents even if one is not biological? Will they be angry about their conception or potential half siblings out in the world?
The option means one of us will be biological which would surely help the other to bond with child, we would have a pregnancy to prepare and bond, and we would have control over a pregnancy in terms of lifestyle/diet/vitamins etc. There are other pros of this situation in terms of child looking like us etc which i hope does not sound shallow. I feel like we have control over health as donors seem so well screened for genetics/illness and a medical history is provided.

We are also educating ourselves around adoption. We know this is not a replacement for infertility, and is instead a different road to a family, and a way to share our love and resources to give a child a better life. We understand this does not remove the child's experience of being removed from birth parents and this has to be recognised and cared for. While i know we could love a child and offer them a life they deserve. However i am worried about having no control over a pregnancy as ideally we would like the healthiest pregnancy and start in life for a child. I am worried a child wont settle with us as we aren't biological parents. The social worker advised where we live most children are removed due to issues with addiction etc and I am worried a child will want to connect with birth parents when they are older and be influenced by this (again i have read horror stories online). I am worried the child wont look like us and they might struggle to feel part of our home. I am just terrified overall of doing something wrong to hurt a child when they are an adult or mess them up in anyway 😭

I am desperate for advice, thank you for considering my post.

We have two donor-conceived DC as my husband is infertile. They both have the same ID-release donor.

We were always open with them, so they’ve always known they are donor-conceived. They don’t seem to have any issues with it and they have a great relationship with my husband, who is very much their dad. We found Donor Conception Network meetings helpful when we were making our decisions.

We did consider adoption but had concerns about possible prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol and the risk of long-term effects, which influenced our decision.

We only told close family and friends initially and were surprised that some reactions weren’t very supportive.

Our oldest is now 19 and has accessed the donor’s identity and was pleased to have the information. Our other child isn’t interested. Neither of them want to connect with half-siblings.

Overall, it’s been a positive experience for us and them.

I know families who have come together in just about any way you can think of - they’re all beautiful and challenging for all sorts of reasons. I think you are asking wonderful and important questions and it really shows that you care. To be honest, I think you are already showing you’ll be an excellent and diligent parent so whoever path is for you, you’ll do everything you can for the children who end up in your home one way or another.

My cousin and her wife have 3 kids who were conceived by (anonymous) donor sperm - they each were pregnant once (her wife had twins) but the children are biologically half siblings as they used the same donor. I have a friend who adopted two children. My cousin’s friend had cancer as a child and her mum was her surrogate. All these children are loved and so desperately wanted.

i genuinely think either situation has wonderful and frightening stories. Nothing is a guarantee with kids - my in-laws raised two children - one is my wonderful husband and one is my sister in law who has had mental health struggles her entire life. Same family, same genes, totally different lives. So the caution there isn’t to never have children - the reminder there is that you can do everything ‘right’ and try really hard and there’s still a million things you’ll never be able to control. It’s the risk you take with any child and you can’t rationalise any of that away.

I think a few sessions either a therapist was a great idea- the most challenging thing from what you are listing would be having a child biologically related to one of you. It would be worth talking through to make sure the other person wasn’t resentful about this in any way.

DD is 15, almost 16, and I think she was about 7 when we first explained that I had needed help to have her and a really kind lady helped me - I think this might have been prompted by either something at school or on tv, we never hid it so would have mentioned it before but that was the first "proper" conversation.

There are so many more books and resources to support how to approach the subject with a child now but I think because we never hid it or made a massive song and dance it is just something that is a part of our history without being a major issue.

Good luck with whichever way you choose to grow (or not) your family ❣️

I have three children via donor eggs due to infertility - we were honest with the children from the beginning, and they are all very happy, well-adjusted children who know how much they were wanted and loved from the beginning. I phrased it that my eggs were broken so a nice lady gave me some of hers to use. I couldn’t love them more, and it makes zero difference to our day to day family life that they are donor conceived - the parent child bond is just as strong as with other families.

Hello. Please look at the Donor Conception Network where you will find many other heterosexual couples in your position, at all stages of the process. In my experience, donor conceived children can be extremely well adjusted particulary if the parents embrace and are open about the fact of their conception and support them in any interest they have in meeting biological relatives. Not telling isn't really an option (particularly with DNA tests being so common nowadays). I'd suggest, if you do go down this route, joining a donor conceived baby group with other parents with children a similar age so the kids are surrounded by people with similar origin stories and do not think of themselves as strange. I do believe that if there is an option for a willing to be known (rather than anonymous) donor that this is the better option ethnically, as I think people should have the right to know their biological relatives. The UK system mandates the release of the the donors ID at 18, but if you were to go abroad, as many people do, for egg or sperm donation, then anonymous donation is common. Some people might not care that they can never know, but many others will, and I don't think this is a decision I'd be comfortable making for my child (that said, I can understand making this decision if there was not sn
other way for me to have a baby).

Thank you for replying and your right all famiies can face problems. I am sorry you dont have the relationship with your parents i am sure you wanted. My husband is one of the kindest, nicest people i have ever met. We make a great team and my marriage is something i am so thankful for. I have no doubt the type of daddy he would be. Same as me, we just want to make the right choice and process all these questions and fears and just do the right thing.

Hi BeCyan thanks for replying. I also am worried about the reactions of some around us and i know in an ideal world everyone would be supportive but not realistic sometimes! I am glad to hear you also had concerns about the same things in adoption, i have just received a comment on reddit telling me i am not ready to be a parent for being worried about that which has really hurt. I am so glad you have had a positive experience and your children have a mummy and daddy who love and support their choices. How did you husband feel coming to this decision and the genetic link missing initially?

Yes, excellent. Either are valid options. Hope you find what is right for you.

Hi anonymous123, It honestly hadn’t crossed my mind that people wouldn’t be supportive. One person said they didn’t agree with donor conception and another said it was “weird”, but our close family were all supportive, which was the main thing.

I’m really sorry about the comment you received on Reddit. Being thoughtful about long-term implications doesn’t mean you’re not ready to be a parent. We were absolutely ready and loved being parents.

We were both very shocked when we first found out about DH’s infertility, but attending the Donor Conception Network meetings really helped us both. It helped us understand that children generally do well with being donor-conceived when they’re told about their origins from the beginning.

My DH did worry about the lack of a genetic link before the DC were born, but once they arrived, it faded in importance and he feels that they are his DC in every way.

You sound really lovely OP, I think you would be a lovely parent, whatever path you take to get there.

Adoption over donor - when the topic came up during our IVF journey, we decided that we couldn’t do the donor option if warranted as it would mean me carrying a ‘3rd party’ DNA in me during pregnancy. Our child would either be 100% out DNA or 0% out DNA if we then had to go down the adoption route (I’m adopted myself so no issue with adoption). Similarly we decided against DH using our embryos that are in the freezer if something happened to me but happy for me to carry them if I wanted if something happened to DH as this was asked in our clinic forms 💖

I think I take issue with this a bit. I think saying success stories are 'uncommon' is unfair in my opinion. Though I guess it depends what you define as 'success stories'.

I would define both of ours as success, despite the difficulties we / they have had. We haven't had drugs, violence, serious self harm, criminality. Our young adults have had better educational and emotional outcomes than if they had been left with their birth families.

But yes, obviously there are major impacts from early life experiences (and their genetics).

It was twenty years ago, and I can honestly say that it’s the best thing we ever did.

I have never felt a need to have biological children and felt no trauma related to infertility, so it was a very practical decision which I never doubted. I wanted to be a mum and felt like I could be a good (enough) mum to a child or children with challenges.

The kids have their own struggles but have overcome huge amounts of adversity, they have contact with birth siblings and we see them regularly (I know this isn’t for everyone).

There are no secrets, no shame around it. They have always known everything in an age appropriate way.

With adoption there are different dynamics to consider and you have minimal choice over that (if you’re putting the kids first), the outcomes can be really different for each child depending on their life experience. Social services can be a bloody nightmare to deal with and anecdotally aren’t always forthcoming with information. Your children might want to meet birth mum at some point, and you need to (in my view) support them to make their own choices and put your own ego and emotions on the back seat.

Its not for everyone, but for us our chaotic, mixed up, confusing family is perfect.

Sorry, that was stomach churningly saccharine!

Maybe not cruel, but it can indeed be difficult for a donor conceived child growing up, dealing with issues as identity and genetic belonging.

Hi Minipie, thank you for this persceptive

Hi Lollylavender, do you feel pursuing this route isn't a good thing to do?

One of my closest friends (and her sister) was conceived via a donor. It has caused her a lot of issues around identity and belonging. She started having therapy at 20. Her relationship with her parents is complex as she loves them but feels angry at the decision they made. She is in touch with lots of donor conceived people who are struggling. It has affected her relationships and she’s decided not to have children herself due to her complex feelings around her own family, For that reason, it’s a road I would never go down.

It is such a personal decision. All I can do is share my experience and decision making rationale.

i am in a SS relationship and therefore faced the same options , albeit without the trauma of infertility.

I knew I would not countenance donor sperm when it was donated anonymously because I did not think this was fair for the child and the importance of their identity and biological heritage. (I am a Social Worker). Nor did I want a known donor as an involved third parent. In my early thirties, the law changed to enable children to be given details of biological donor and siblings at 18 and 16 respectively, and at this stage, from an ethical perspective I felt comfortable with this. I recognised that this could result in difficulties / distress for our child, but I believed that we could overcome this with support, love, openness and so on.

My wife has her own decisions to make as the non bio mum; she understanly was anxious that a child would not consider her a ‘real’ parent - but she wanted children and didn’t want to carry .

we used the London Sperm bank - again , for some reason I didn’t want to use the cheaper European ones that provided more information - I wanted a UK based donor. As soon as I was pregnant (third attempt), we purchased more sperm so that hopefully, a sibling would be a full sibling and they could share the journey to make contact with their biological donor should they want to.

My wife’s anxieties were unfounded; she adored our son and they are far closer then I am to him! They share interests, humour, mannerisms and so on, although he looks like me. Our second child is his full sibling.

We had kids books about donor conception, same sex parents, different types families and so on. It is all they have known. We have answered all questions honestly and they both know that we are completely supportive about them finding their donor either one or both. Neither are interested at the moment (both teens) - but I expect it will probably change at some stage. (I would love to meet him because I am nosey , plus I want to thank him for gifting us two amazing humans! )

As an aside, a good friend has a daughter from egg donor conception, and she opted to sit her down and tell her at 10, which did not go well. Early openness and just being matter of fact and relaxed about it is definitely my preference - albeit we couldn’t exactly hide it! 😂😂.

Adoption was not for me. I have huge respect for adopters - I had worked for 15 years in child protection and adoption and as such, was very involved in the complexities and likely trauma the children had faced. I already held trauma from the amount of children who had been through awful things I had removed and placed for adoption. Subsequently, I worked in post adoption disruptions, so my view was coloured and I knew that I do not have the incredible skills that our adopters had. But, saying that, I know a lot of people that have adopted children and have had amazing experiences and it is just sad that the nature of my work meant that I worked with those at the extreme end of the spectrum.

So that is my story and thought process.
There is no wrong decision. And any child will be blessed to have such thoughtful parents who will love and support them.

Do keep us posted!

HI Happy2024, do you mind we asking what age your 3 children are now and what their understanding is of their conception?

Thank you for sharing this. Have her and her sister only found out or did they know from they were small?

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story about your children and wife, and for being so considerate of my head space!! If we went donor route we would tell our child from they were small, age appropriately and build on this but i don't want it to be the be all and end all of their identity and every conversation- they will be our son or daughter but will they see it like that when they are teenagers/adults and understand more of the world and genetics etc. When i read posts here and elsewhere from some DCP who are really unhappy that this is their conception and i am back to square 1. I also accessed a website for support Donor Conceived UK which has a webpage entitled "DCP: What you could say to someone who asks you whether they should have a Donor Conceived child" which i assume is by DCP and basically says not to do it. I am heartbroken over what to do

We had to make a similar decision to you and chose an egg donor from a country in Europe where it's anonymous (not my first choice but we couldn't make head nor tail of the UK system and time was pressing).

We have been entirely open with DD and she seems quite comfortable about it all. I won't discourage her if she wants to get a DNA test when she's a little older (she's 13).

I gave her the (foreign, unusual in the UK) name of the IVF coordinator as a middle name so we could never "forget". We have been to the donor country once, at her request, to see it. She sometimes wears their flag colours on school dress up days and describes herself as "part [donor country]".

I'm happy with our decisions. She looks like my husband's family. Occasionally it has been a little weird that one of my nieces looks more like me than my own child, but it's not a major thing.

We did apply to adopt but were rejected for rather odd and upsetting reasons - long story, but we did try. It's not at all straightforward and the feelings of the would be adopters are tangential to the process, understandably.

Good luck!

It really isn’t a big deal for either of mine. We are mummy and mama, they have two parents. They know they can meet him/ build a relationship with him etc when they are 18 if they want to, or not. Both are totally relaxed and open about it.

It rarely comes up, they are not interested atm. Their focus is on friends, school, hobbies, leisure etc. I am sure that the curiosity will come - and that’s fine too.

You will see the extreme stories online. It really doesn’t have to be a drama. They are not the only donor conceived children they know, plus they know both children and adult adoptees. Please don’t panic reading extreme online forums. It is going to be fine. 😀

the other point to make is that @NCposter friends daughter would have been born via anonymous donation. Therefore, she would not have the opportunity to contact him at 18. I think it is really different to now, when donors give sperm with the understanding that they may be contacted. They have a counselling session and they are no longer paid , so any donations are altruistic. It isn’t like it used to be when students were paid £20 for a wank!

They both knew from when they were young. Their parents did all the ‘right’ things and were open in an age appropriate way so they have done nothing wrong in that way and are really nice people/good parents.

@CatherineCawoodsbestie It’s my friend, not my friends daughter and she does know her other parent/donor as that person chose to remove their right to anonymity.