Donor vs adoption

[Anonoymous123]

Hi everyone.. i am posting for some guidance/support as i am really struggling. Myself and my husband are coming to terms with infertility- we have explored all options for years and the diagnosis is final that one of us cannot conceive. We are devastated. We are sure we want children in our life's and home and feel we have everything to offer. Its difficult to accept this wont happen the way we took for granted it would.

However i am ethically torn and really struggling so i would appreciate any support or experiences. I hope i have worded this all respectful and considerate and i have the upmost for respect for anyone who has faced and made these decisions. I am breaking my heart and feel at my wits end, i just need help to understand the options and i am open to different view points and lived experiences to help me.

If we use a donor (all evidence suggests telling child in age appropriate manner from they are young which we will do) is this morally/ethically wrong? Will a child understand this decision as an adult? I have read so many horror stories of Donor Conceived Adults angry at their conception and i am terrified of doing this to a child. We would love them entirely and support them completely but are we asking a child/adult to bare consequences of our choices? Will they see us both as parents even if one is not biological? Will they be angry about their conception or potential half siblings out in the world?
The option means one of us will be biological which would surely help the other to bond with child, we would have a pregnancy to prepare and bond, and we would have control over a pregnancy in terms of lifestyle/diet/vitamins etc. There are other pros of this situation in terms of child looking like us etc which i hope does not sound shallow. I feel like we have control over health as donors seem so well screened for genetics/illness and a medical history is provided.

We are also educating ourselves around adoption. We know this is not a replacement for infertility, and is instead a different road to a family, and a way to share our love and resources to give a child a better life. We understand this does not remove the child's experience of being removed from birth parents and this has to be recognised and cared for. While i know we could love a child and offer them a life they deserve. However i am worried about having no control over a pregnancy as ideally we would like the healthiest pregnancy and start in life for a child. I am worried a child wont settle with us as we aren't biological parents. The social worker advised where we live most children are removed due to issues with addiction etc and I am worried a child will want to connect with birth parents when they are older and be influenced by this (again i have read horror stories online). I am worried the child wont look like us and they might struggle to feel part of our home. I am just terrified overall of doing something wrong to hurt a child when they are an adult or mess them up in anyway 😭

I am desperate for advice, thank you for considering my post.

Sorry to hear of your struggles, it's clear that this decision is immensely hard for you.

I'm coming from a totally neutral position and without having had the experiences you have but perhaps you need perspective from someone who is detached emotionally from this decision. , I wonder why you believe that using a donor is morally wrong? I know of several same sex couples who have used donors, as well as friends who used donor sperm after the husband had been through cancer treatment. Surely the child grows up knowing that a donor was used because they were so desperately wanted and loved? Is there a forum where you are reading these horror stories?

I also think it's we are wired biologically to want children of our own so I really don't think you should feel shallow or selfish for that. It's the same reason so many couples go through IVF.

I wonder if there is any sort of professional, counsellor type person who can help you talk through your thoughts and feelings and advise. That might help?

Best of luck and I hope you come to a decision with peace

I’m also sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time.

To be totally honest, and I hope this isn’t too blunt, it doesn’t sound like adoption is for you. Your post sounds like you have a very high need for control (nothing wrong with that) which isn’t really possible with all the variables in adoption.

I’m an adopter of two.

We adopted. I don't think it could love DD2 any more than I do. However her older sibling, 8 when adopted, was a lot more complex, there is love and commitment, just more complexity.

With a younger child through adoption there is more uncertainty over future development, and you have to appreciate that.

Adoption is a joint enterprise. Neither of us can claim or feel to be more or less of a parent due to biological link or lack of it. We are equal.

They are however 'children of our own', we are their 'real parents'.

If you are on tik tok or instagram I really recommend TheQueerMama’s page. She is donor conceived herself and has gone on to have children via donor conception. She is really insightful on this topic.

If you met the little I know who is placed for adoption, paperwork still ongoing, your fears I think would melt away, she’s a lovely little girl now 3. All children, biological or otherwise can have issues

I have no experience with adoption but I would say DH is a donor-conceived child (well, he’s 39!) and is very comfortable with it, his dad was his dad end of. I suspect you only see the online posts from people unhappy with it - those like my DH who don’t consider it a big deal won’t be posting online.

I understand the ethics element of it and it’s not to be ignored but I wouldn’t rule it out of the basis of adult children who aren’t comfortable with it - there are plenty who are.

Wishing you peace with your decision OP.

From another adopter, I totally agree with this.

Nothing wrong with it not being for you and better to acknowledge that now rather than go through the process and find it then.

Go for donor. Most kids who are adopted are not babies, they have been abused or badly neglected and this shows in their behaviour and ability to attach. Even the babies have their own difficulties which may come out later in childhood. So many other reasons why not. I used to work in the field. yes they are success stories, but they are uncommon.

These are entirely different options op.
Not remotely similar.
I wish you well honestly. We adopted as we had moral concerns about donor conception. But it's entirely different. Our boy was six when we met him and eight when we adopted him, so no baby or even young child involved. He had so much life before us. Most of it absolutely shocking.
But even the day to day stuff. I had to ask him if he could swim, if he went to the men or womens public toilets, how he was getting on at his old school, had he ever been to Legoland, did he believe in Santa, could he wash his hair on his own.
I have never cut his toenails, he has never called me mum, he bizarrely (he is white)spoke Urdu from foster carers. He swore like a trooper, had no truck with non resilient children, announced that he didn't eat pork, went to bed at nine and didn't use a car seat. He knew himself way better than I did.
And of course he was severely traumatised.
If you just want to love a child adoption is not for you, as love is not enough. But it can be a brilliant experience. He is 30 now and by no means 'standard'. But he is kind of brilliant.

Thank you for replying. This is what i was for hoping for, as i feel i have nobody round me to talk too! Its not a club many understand and it can be so isolating. I have been reading Reddit groups (before i actually posted in it this evening) and also looked up some blog/articles etc online but a lot of the issues seem to be around the truth being withheld from them and finding out accidently as an adult which is traumatizing. I am interested in your point about why i am worried about it ethically when so many same sex couples etc pursue this option to become parents- i think we just do not know any man and woman in this position maybe, i am not sure, this is something i really need to stew over i suppose. Ashamedly if i am honest part of it is fear of people around us opinion and if they would treat us or a child different, although i am sure its just me catastrophizing.

Hi Rainallnight, thank you for replying. I read my post back and do sound like a control freak lol but i think its because i feel i have lost control of my whole life! This journey to date has blindsided us, we are both from massive families, no fertility issues, just assumed we would be same and had a very naive view that we would get married and just have a child. I have reached out to some professionals to learn more about adoption also but have not heard back so its great to hear from people who have created their family and become parents through this route.

Hi and thank you for replying. I am seeing so many positive adoption stories, which is really heartwarming and reassuring. I understand the need to be prepared for complexities and i know there is training adoptive parents can do to educate themselves on that which would be vital. How do you manage contact with birth family and how do your children cope with that?

I will check this out thank you!

We have two donor conceived children. My husband is infertile. They are 21 and 19 now. They both have anonymous donors because that’s where things were in 2003 and 2005. Different donors because it wasn’t possible to have the same one. They have always known because we told them before they were old enough to understand (age appropriate books etc). We didn’t tell everyone at the time, just close family and friends. It’s up to them who they tell now. My DH is very much “dad”
and we shared childcare 50:50 when they were little.
Our eldest has done a bit of “finding out” and knows she has some half siblings but doesn’t feel that she wants to know more at the moment.
It was the way we decided to go and there’s never been a moment of regret. Good luck what ever you decide.

Hi Leafy, thanks for getting back. Yes i sound like a control freak when i read back! But i do think its the shock of all this and trying to regain some control in a situation that i feel out of control? maybe, i think. How have you found your journey in adoption to becoming a parent?

Hi Netflix fan, thanks for sharing your experience. I feel we have some, maybe not all, but some skills to support a child who has a challenging start in life and i think its so rewarding to potentially change a childs life and offer them a different path. But i would be lying if i said this wasn't something that really concerned me, in terms of what if we arent enough, we didnt manage issues well, we made things worse, or the impact extreme challenges could have on us which sounds selfish. But is that cruel to bring a child into world via a donor when so many children already exist who need a loving home.. i do not know!

I am so very grateful to my (anonymous) egg donor, DD is 15 now and I have never felt that she is anything but mine.

We have discussed several times over the years about the circumstances around her conception but not made an issue of it, if she decides in 3 years or more to contact the donor we will help and support but she doesn't seem to feel any great need.

I always felt that I would only ever be able to go through the hell of ivf once but she was worth every heartache.

Hi Notmymarmosets, thank you for coming back. It sounds like your child had a difficult start in life before he came to you. I am sure this was very hard for you also. I am worried we are not equipped but then if we had a biological child they very well could have challenges or issues and how would we plan to manage them then..although i would assume a child who has been through care system comes with innate trauma.. i just want to really educate myself and my husband to get to a place where we make the right choice for a child and for us

Hi Floella, Thank you for sharing this. I understand the system was different back then and you done the best you could with the resources that were available. I have read extensively about the books and things to help explain to a child to avoid the shock of ever finding out or a scary convo when they are older. Instead its just part of normal life. We also wont be able to tell many if we choose this option but wont hide it from a child- if they mention it outside our home to family or friends we will address it honestly. Its so nice to hear you have no regrets and its allowed you and your husband to be parents. Does your daughter have any concerns over biology or the donor or her conception at all? I read a lovely story on another thread of a donor conceived adult basically saying they did not care and their mummy and daddy were just that, they weren't interested in finding out anymore about anyone else outside of that- now i think have i over thought this too much - i do not know!

Hi Pawsed, thanks for sharing your story. Is your daughter an adult now or teenager? Did you tell her when she was small or older? I am so happy you got your daughter and became a parent. infertility is a painful place!

I am my dps biological dd.. They were rubbish dps... Haven't seen them for decades...
Problems happen with 'proper' families ime.
You sound like you'd make a fantastic dm..
And hand on heart is your dh fab too?. That's all you need one.

@Anonoymous123 . I am sorry you are in this position. Infertility is horrendous. I can only comment on the donor element of your post. I have a beautiful 2 year old, donor conceived (with my husband's sperm). He is not genetically mine but he IS biologically mine - I grew him, gave birth to him, breastfed him. We will tell him (in an age appropriate way) as he grows up. It is on my mind sometimes but as I think a previous poster has said, it's often only the negative stores on DC that are talked/posted about. We have an older child (naturally conceived) and she looks very like my 2 year old. We all love him so much and have no regrets. If you have any questions I'm happy to answer them.

Hi
I have been where you are. My (now ex) DH and I discovered we would never conceive naturally and explored the adoption process and the donor conception process.

There is no right or wrong answer, either route you are likely to feel grief; grief of one of you not being biologically connected to your child, grief at not carrying a pregnancy, grief that your experience isn’t “the normal or easy route”….

For what it’s worth, we went down the donor conception route (my egg and a donors sperm). We now have two beautiful children. They are still young so we haven’t worked out how best to explain their story to them but there are some wonderful children’s books out there (such a robobabies) which talk about different routes that parents take to extend their family, and I read these to them.

Whatever option you choose, take your time and have therapy to process the feelings.

wishing you well x

But is that cruel to bring a child into world via a donor when so many children already exist who need a loving home.. i do not know!

No more so than it is for parents who have children without a donor. If it’s ok for other parents to have their own biological kids rather than adopting, then it’s ok for you. I don’t see why it’s different or “cruel” just because you’d be using a donor.

I'm not an expert but I think if you normalise donor conception and are open about it from very young children do well.

I know three people with children from donor eggs/ sperm and two in the process so it's definitely becoming more common.

Maybehood on Instagram has a donor egg son and writes very eloquently about it.