Have I made myself infertile due to abusing my body for years?

[Prayingicanfixthis]

When I was 11, until around 14 I was pretty severely anorexic. I didn’t become extremely underweight, but I started as likely morbidly obese, and ended at bordering on underweight. I got to this point via pure starvation, and I was definitely malnourished.
Then at around 17, I started dating a man who was a fair bit older than me. He gave me chlamydia. I only discovered this recently at ~20 years old when he messaged me out of the blue to let me know to expect a msg from the sexual health service soon as he had been tested for chlamydia, and suspected he gave it to me all that time ago, and that he was sorry.
This was such a shock and hasn’t stopped playing on my mind about the effects of what the chlamydia could have done to me throughout this time.
I did a lot of ‘party drugs’ from 16-18, the thought of it now makes me sick but I did abuse mdma and cocaine very very frequently throughout that time.
Just to make matters worse, my mum has PCOS and it took her 10 years to have me, and had to have IVF.

Do you think all of this abuse to my body over the years has permanently damaged my reproductive organs, and has effectively rendered me infertile?
Or is this reversible, if so, what can I do?

I’d just like to add that I know I will be judged for all of these things, and I know I may seem like an awful person. Trust me, I regret everything I have done far more than you could imagine. It causes me great distress and sadness thinking of what I have put myself through, and the long term effects it might be having on my body. If I could do one thing, it would be to go back in time and do things right.

Hopefully you will be ok. You should I think get some tests done given your history if you are planning to conceive :
Ultrasound scan
HyCoSy
bloods - TSH, AMH, FSH, LH, oestrogen,FBC
BP check / BMI
It better to be a few steps ahead than ttc for months and then check for any issues . Good luck 🩷

Fertility is still a huge unknown. Lots or seemingly healthy people with no underlying problems struggle to get pregnant and equally, plenty of people with “chaotic lifestyles” can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.

We can’t change our past, all we can do if work on now. I doubt the drugs and the eating disorder will have any effect and you’re still young. Make sure you get the chlamydia treated asap and try to lead a healthy lifestyle now. Keep a healthy weight, everything in moderation. But also - life is for living!

Also , I want to say that nobody will judge you at all. We’ve all got things in our past that might not be ideal but there’s definitely no judgement from me

You are not a bad person, there is nothing to judge. Things like untreated chlamydia can affect fertility but they don’t always by any means. But it’s luck of the draw for all of us really, I absolutely wouldn’t assume any damage has been done. I’d try and get some tests done on your fertility just to let you know where you stand and hopefully give you some peace of mind

Nothing to judge here!

You are where you are, and every day you make your way through it as best you can.

Thank you.

Do you know if I’m allowed to request these tests if me and my partner haven’t been properly ttc in this time?
We haven’t been using protection, and we’ve had one very early miscarriage. That is the closest to pregnancy we have got.
I just want to know. I want to be a mum more than anything in the world and the constant thoughts that it isn’t going to be happening is destroying my mental health.

I know people can and do get pregnant while actively using drugs, and that there are parents out there who treat their children badly or shouldn’t be parents at all. But your health history, including infections, poor nutrition, and past drug use, does mean there’s a higher risk of complications or harm to a baby’s development, and some effects can be permanent.

I also realise that being told you might not be able to safely have children, or that it might not be the right choice for you, can have a big impact on self-worth and mental health. That’s why it’s something to approach with proper medical advice and emotional support, so you have the facts and the help to process them. It’s not about your value as a person, it’s about protecting your health and preventing harm to a child.

If caring for someone is important to you, there are other ways to do it safely, like adoption, fostering, babysitting, working in childcare, or even having a pet. Those can still give you the fulfilment of nurturing without the risks pregnancy could bring in your situation.

I understand where you are coming from rationally.

Emotionally, it feels so incredibly unfair that the things I did at such a young age, some in my control, some out of it, and some as an attempt to feel in control at the times when I wasn’t, are going to dictate the path of my entire life.
I don’t see how I can continue my future if I am not able to become pregnant.
Maybe this is bad to say, but I do not wish to adopt, foster, babysit or have a pet. I have a cat who I love very deeply, but it is just nothing alike.

I was going to say something along these lines but you articulated it better.

Op everything is an if/what / maybe. But i think if you go to your GP and ask about fertility then they can advise, are you taking prenatal vitamins?

I am definitely going to try to talk to my doctors about things. I am worried they will say that because we are young, and not especially ‘trying’ to have a baby, that they will discount me and not do any testing.
We have been having unprotected sex long enough that something should have happened by now!

I feel so guilty and horrible about everything.

Have you had any councilling a baby won't fix any mental health problems you have, speak to your Dr's explain your concerns about everything, fwiw you are not an awful person people take recreational drugs then start to.abuse them, an eating disorder is an illness, you are not a bad person but sounds like you have a load to.unpack.

I haven’t been to therapy. This is something I definitely need to do. I know having a baby won’t fix my problems, but not being able to have a baby would be a massive problem for me, hence why I am so anxious about it.

Maybe look into therapy alongside speaking about the physical side of things.

If you are having unprotected sex then you ARE trying for a baby OP, so don’t be afraid to tell your GP that. And if they say they can’t test yet at least you are on their radar for when you have been trying for long enough.

I am afraid to say we have been as they will say, well have you done any ovulation tracking etc, which we haven’t.
Tbh, with being so young, eating a generally healthy diet etc, I had assumed it would just naturally happen.
Clearly not!

How long have you been ttc?

Are you a healthy weight now and do you have regular periods?

I don’t think you’ll have done yourself any lasting damage tbh, my friend who has a similar background to you has two kids now so 🤷‍♀️

But you said you have been pregnant but miscarried? Miscarriage is incredibly common unfortunately, but it does show you have fallen pregnant before. How long have you been trying?

You cannot blame yourself or say you ‘made yourself infertile’. You deserve to get pregnant and have your baby as much as anyone else regardless of your past. you should go and have a chat with your GP because you deserve support and you will get to have your baby, you might just need a little help (which you may have done even if you’d lived like a saint your whole life).

You don't have to be tracking ovulation to be TTC. Having regular unprotected sex is TTC.
How regularly are you having sex, and for how long have you been having unprotected sex? Do you have regular periods?
I was anorexic for a few years in my teens and it sent my cycle a bit haywire for many years even after I returned to a healthy weight. (Actually, I think the anorexia triggered my coeliac disease, and the resulting ongoing malnutrition even after I was a healthy weight is what kept my cycle irregular. Well into my twenties and thirties, some cycles would be 2 weeks; some would be 4 months 🥴) But the point is that anorexia can have long term effects, as can untreated chlamydia. If your cycle is regular now, that would be a positive sign, though not the only thing to consider of course.

I am about 5’5 and around 62kg. I’m not sure if that is healthy weight or slightly over? I try not to fall down that rabbit hole again

We have been having unprotected sex for definitely over a year now. As I say, no idea if we’ve been hitting ovulation etc but we must have done several times as we are definitely quite active!

It would have been I think a chemical pregnancy? I would have been only 4-5 weeks I believe

Thank you so much for this

Trying for a baby just means regular unprotected sex. It's not normal behaviour or expectation to do more than that (people with definite fertility problems may benefit from tracking ovulation to maximise sex at the most fertile time, but it's completely unnecessary for the vast majority).

I'd advise some counselling too - you seem to have a lot of self hate going on. You haven't been abusing your body for years as you say. You had sex with a boyfriend - normal. You had a relatively short eating disorder/mental health issues. You took some recreational drugs, like millions of others

I would say on average we have sex at least 4-5 times a week, it’s hard to say. Sometimes we will go 2-3 days without if we aren’t feeling too great with work etc, but other times it will be multiple times in one day. It’s generally at least every two days if not more.
My cycle is generally pretty regular, sometimes a day or two early or late but it generally falls around the same time.
It definitely messed with my periods at the time though but I honestly can’t remember for how long after or when they started normalising again.