Zilch, de nada, niente

[Shadoworshade]

DH and I have been actively TTC since March 2024. Off the pill for a year before that. Regular but very light periods. Ovulation positive. Not a smidgen of a BFP. Normal BMI, healthy diet, non smoker, take all the vitamins, do SMEP etc etc. Month after month.

It has turned me into a shell of a person. So much pain, so many regrets. Irony of ironies, DH and I have been together since uni – but spent so much time getting ourselves to a better place financially (moving up to the career ladder, getting out of renting, then first property, then another move during Covid) before trying. Stupidly, naively, we thought it would just happen. Not helped by example of friends having successful natural pregnancies in their late 30s/40. My Dad got cancer in late 2022, which threw us off for another while. We even waited until we had renovated our property – we wanted to ‘have all our ducks in a row’ (especially DH, who was daunted by fatherhood, and didn’t mind putting it off – I should have pushed for us to start trying but thought it would then happen, even if a bit later than I would have liked).

And then, after all the planning and waiting – zilch, de nada, niente. Month after month. So many years of taking the pill, being careful. Trying to do things right. And when we finally try: nothing.

Saw GP who did Day 21 bloods – al fine. She then told me I’m too old (at grand old age of 38) for NHS fertility treatment in my area. (Another case of putting a lot into the system and getting nothing back – have been a higher rate tax payer for 14 years). Have been doing acupuncture since February, with a strict, kind, Chinese lady (“Better but not good enough” is what she says every month – feels like the story of my life).

DH is very supportive but quite analytical: compares it to the chance of rolling a 6 at dice – says it’s a numbers game and we just have to be lucky once. (Although, mathematically speaking: if probability (BFP) = 1/6 every month, then BFP (over 18 months) = 3. Yet not a single BFP in reality!)

Feel so isolated. Women at work (younger than me) have already had two, or one and TTC their second. They clearly got their priorities right in the first half of their 30s. Compared to the naïve idiot I have been. Days are minefields of pain:

• Driving to work through local village at school drop off time, parents holding children’s hands. Saw a little girl skip next to her mother the other day, with that lovely moment of connection as their eyes met and they laughed together. A little boy jumping in a puddle with his rainbow umbrella. My heart shattered – will I ever have that?
• My team at work, bemoaning the lack of sleep they’ve had, how x’s nursery have rung and they have to leave early, how x has had really smelly nappies recently. I envy them all of it.
• One woman at work, who moans endlessly about how she wishes she’d delayed having her kids until a bit later. Despite my saying, ruefully, be careful what you wish for. She keeps saying to younger girls in the team – don’t do it, enjoy your life!
• The GP who said to me “well, lots of women now are having their second baby at your age”. Meant to be reassuring, but had the vibe of “you might just get to join the good girls’ club if you’re lucky”.
• The positive thinking brigade – your time will come, just relax, or some other inane vacuous drivel. (I have actually tried Marisa Peer but it had the whiff of victim blaming – if it doesn’t happen, you haven’t been positive enough! Happy thoughts NOW!)

It’s got to the stage where I’ve cried at random moments to colleagues. One man was surprisingly lovely, said that his wife had had two miscarriages and that a lot of people suffer behind the scenes. Another sympathetic GP said fertility seems inversely proportionate to effort. But most people haven’t lingered too long in the world of TTC and don’t get it / don’t want to go there.

I’m going to a private fertility clinic next week for scan and bloods. DH very uncomfortable about SA. I will do IVF if recommended.

My job is very demanding – long hours, stress. Daily yoga helps as does time in nature at the weekends. And reading – the ultimate comfort.

This has turned out far longer than I was expecting. I’m not sure what I’m asking for – I guess: experiences of TTC around this age? How to keep going and keep some semblance of self?

I have a mental bargain with myself – if I’m not pregnant by 40, I’ll resign from my job, sell the property and move away somewhere new with DH. I can’t keep living this way indefinitely.

You sound very like me
I ‘have done everything right’ and also been a higher rate tax payer
Now TTC - slim, non smoker, minimal ETOH - ‘calm’ (yoga teacher🤣) and eat an amazing diet.
I got married end of last year and put everything this year into being ‘settled’, making sure I have a stable
job, house sorted, finances sorted and TTC.

I also work in an area where I have to drive past young families.

I agree with your age 40 cut off BUT
my own husband was born from a ‘miracle conception’ after 14 years of TTC by his mother aged 41! My father was another ‘miracle conception’ with a mother at the age of 45.

I am about to turn 38 in June and I too wonder if I have left it too late? Its a real visceral fear. But also - if I had children younger there is no way I would have been able to give them the life I can provide for them now spirtually, emotionally and financially.

You sound very like me!

I have also been in reciept of ‘friends’ messaging me saying ‘Hows the baby making coming along haha’

I find this very odd and insulting (admittedly I am sensitive about it)

Clearly its not coming on well if I have not had a baby or told you I am pregnant

I know all those feelings. I started trying at 39 and everyone told me that was fine and it would happen. Everyone seemed to have a cousin/aunt/friend who had their first at 39/40/45!!! and always within a few months of trying etc etc etc.
I started trying at 39. I did manage to get pregnant after exactly one year but had a MMC. Never managed to achieve another natural pregnancy unfortunately. Had three rib rounds of private IVF aged 40 to 41. One pregnancy that was another miscarriage.

I stopped telling people anything about it as the annoying comments wouldn’t stop. Just relax! My cousin had 4 kids after 40! Try acupuncture. Try stopping dairy. Are you having sex enough and at the right time? Try charting temperature. Stop charting temperature. Drink pomegranate juice.🙄

I just tell people I don’t want kids now.

Thanks so much for the replies Luckycatlady and MantaFish.

@Luckycatlady, it’s exactly that feeling of having ‘done everything right’ and hitting a brick wall. With most other things in life, there’s a broad effort/reward correlation – e.g. you work hard, you pass your exams; you take up exercise and have more energy etc. I know I sound very type A, but the lack of control is doing my head in.

That, and the uncertainty. Strange as it sounds, if someone told me now ‘you definitely won’t have kids, it’s not possible’, it would come as a weird relief. I would know and could start trying to get my head around it. Instead I’m just limping on, month to month, in a horrible limbo. High hopes at the start of every cycle (‘let’s go again, maybe this is our month’), the week or so of dtd (feeling good about taking action), the week after (hopeful, symptom spotting) then the slow downward descent to AF (not feeling any different, knowing in my bones that nothing has happened). I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I completely agree with you @Luckycatlady about putting everything into being settled and trying to provide a stable environment for a baby. That’s exactly what we’ve been doing! It is a sort of comfort to know – same as you – that I wouldn’t have been able to give them that stable life in earlier years. Feels like I can now provide for them financially and emotionally – but have I left it too late physically? It is such a real visceral fear as you say. I keep telling myself that I can only do what I can do today, and then the day after – in other words, taking it one day at a time. If I fast forward too much, I start to spiral.

I know what you mean about ‘friends’ messaging. How on earth do they think these little nudges are going to land? That and office acquaintances – someone from another department asked me ‘so do you have kids’, me (struggling for a response) – no, not yet, hopefully at some point; she – what does that mean? I mumbled something about trying for a family and made an excuse to leave. Ugh.

MantaFish – I am sorry to hear what you have been through. That is so hard. The success stories seem everywhere: you want to believe them but they can also give false hope. And the endless annoying ‘tips’. Of course, I’ve been charting temperature (it puts TTC right at the front of my mind every day!) and acupuncture (what’s not to like about needles in random bits of my body!). Maybe the way forward is to have a T-shirt made saying “Leave me alone, I’m drinking the bleeding pomegranate juice”.

I tried in my 30s for 18 months with nothing but stark white tests month after month. Tried everything - never missed a chance. Had a hycosy and then got pregnant straight after. Then again twice in 2 years. Keep going - I know how hard it is

That is so good to hear @GRCP . Funny you should mention hycosy - that is my next step after initial checks at the fertility clinic. It can seem to unlock something. Thanks so much for the support. 🙏

I sometimes wonder if (big if) it happens, whether I’ll be a different (clingy-er?) parent than I would otherwise have been. I would definitely do my best to put ttc struggles behind me, but on dark days I feel this ordeal has taken something from me I’ll never get back. Like light heartedness or spontaneity - lost in action sometime around the 12 month point.

Sorry? Cut off for IVF is 38? That is outrageous! Sorry if I missed but has your husbands sperm been tested? Everything ok on this end?

I often see the biggest issue with TTC is the 'stress' people place on themselves.

38 is not OLD. With regular cycles, good bloods and positive ovulation is a very very good sign. If you haven't already, rule out any issues with hubby's sperm.

I know it is so difficult to not stress or worry about this but give yourself some grace. It just takes some people a little longer than others. For reference, my friend fell pregnant immediately after coming after the pill, had a MC at 8 weeks. Got pregnant again, ectopic. Got pregnant again, MC. Couldn't get pregnant again for a year, gave up and went down the IVF route. They fell pregnant naturally and found out the day before their first appointment.

I completely agree with you saying if someone said you could not have kids it would be a relief
I honestly feel like we are the same person!

PM me if you want to chat some more!

I am waiting on my answers for this months cycle
and want to have a glass of wine and a dominoes 🤣

I really empathise with your situation. The postcode lottery is incredibly cruel and unfair. The only positive may be that you may actually get to ivf stage and get pregnant quicker, going private, if that’s any solace. (Just going from friends experience). I hope your partner will be brave and willing for the semen analysis, really important to get that checked soon. I know some men feel very sensitive and uncomfortable about it, but it does need to be done for you to proceed. There are lots of things that can be done to help both of you to have a baby, so don’t lose heart.
I am in a similar boat age etc but am lucky that I may be getting NHS ivf- because I have such a messed up reproductive system because of health issues! Gah. So not really sure how it will all work out.
Completely get you, the pain of other people having their seconds and much younger women talking about age pressure etc. It’s incredibly painful and can feel really isolating. So sympathy from me.

I’ve found this a really interesting read. I had a baby is totally unsuitable situation 6 years ago and have worked so hard to build her a secure life and now I am married and have a home we seem to be unable to get pregnant. Like others I naively thought it would be easy now I have my ducks in a row to use local language!
I also agree with the not knowing part being so difficult. It’s the hope that kills you!
Best of luck ladies wherever your journey takes you!

My husband is reluctant for SA and I find it very selfish of him. I’m jumping through every hoop going and putting the blame squarely on myself when he won’t even do this. It’s very out of character for him as he would go to the end of the Earth for me so I can only assume it’s genuine fear.

Please have hope ❤️ myself and DH have been trying for over 10yrs. Last year something clicked and I got pregnant, sadly ended in MC. But I was like you, staring at stark white tests for so long then suddenly I got my BFP. I then got another BFP after my MC, another loss and this year the same again. It’s like my body realised what it was supposed to do at bloody last. For reference I’m 36 so on the slightly older side too.
sending lots of baby dust to you x

It sounds so heartbreaking, OP. I hope things improve for you soon.

A friend of mine spent 17 years trying to conceive. She also has a cut off at 40. She had several failed IVF attempts and considered but decided against surrogacy and adoption. Once she hit 40, she decided to get on with her life, travel the world and make the best of things and stop thinking about having a baby. Around about age 43, she started going through an early menopause ...... or so she thought. Finally she went to the GP who told her she was 16 weeks pregnant!!! (And that baby is now a geography teacher!)

Such kindness in these messages - it means the world. I’m not sobbing alone in the wind after all..

@Lulu89x and @ByByBy - My DH hasn’t had SA and is extremely reluctant to do so. Very similar to @LittleCosette , he would go to the ends of the earth for me, and we have been through lots together - but this is a stumbling block. I’m hoping he’ll come with me to the consultation next month when I get my results and can then hear directly from a doctor how SA is really necessary. I can see it being a bitter issue between us if he doesn’t do it. He already thinks I’m being far too self critical / prematurely mourning something that hasn’t yet finished / that it will happen for us eventually and that my stress isn’t helping anything…but I would be less stressed if he would do the SA!

@DoraBella88, I am so sorry about your losses. I hope it’s a matter of your body adjusting - it’s sussed step one of getting pregnant and now onto the next stage of a healthy pregnancy. Baby dust to you too my dear.

@dizzydizzydizzy That is so good to hear how it can happen and when you least expect. Similar to @Lulu89x‘s friend, my neighbour fell naturally when her ivf injections were in the fridge…

There’s also a whole passage of time sadness in this for me. My Dad is going downhill - I would love for him to hold a grandchild. Would also be great for my mother to be able to do stuff with them whilst she’s still active and has lots of energy.

@LittleCosette , I agree - it’s the hope that kills you. But also the thing that keeps you going - one of life’s paradoxes. Good on you for building a secure life for your daughter. Best of luck for your second.

Here’s to trying to us chart some sort of course through it all. With courage, grace - and lady luck, that tricksy dame.

OP, I have a lot of empathy for your situation. We tried for years and when we'd utterly given up hope (2×failed IVF, cyst on my ovary, suboptimal sperm count), I unexpectedly got pregnant. Luckily, our baby was safely delivered because apart from that, I've never had so much as a chemical pregnancy. I was 36. I wish you the best of luck, I would echo previous posters in getting your partner to rule out male factor issues. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, I found secondary infertility just as hard, but you really do only need to get lucky once.

If your husband is reluctant to do the SA, is he definitely on the same page that you are? It feels like a really obvious thing to tick off before you even start thinking about Hycosy, further scans, IVF etc- the stats show that for 20-30% of couples struggling with infertility (infertility defined as not being pregnant after 12 months) male factor infertility is the sole cause, and male factor infertility is also a contributing factor for a further 30-40% of all fertility cases. The SA could give you all of the answers you need, or if not at least you’ve ruled it out. If he is reluctant to do it then I’d be thinking twice about any further testing yourself in the meantime as you could be pushing against a brick wall with only having half the pieces of the puzzle.

As a separate note though- trying to conceive is shit. It’s one of the only things in life where it seems like the harder you try the less likely you can be to succeed, and it’s also one of the only things in life where no matter how hard you try your odds are exactly the same every month, they don’t improve, you’re no more likely to conceive on month 15 than you are on month 1 and that really is such a head fuck, I really really feel for you. X

Interesting read indeed. I was just telling a therapist the other day that what I struggle with the most is not being able to control this part of my life like I've controlled my career by working hard and prepping really well for interviews etc.
And focusing on what I can control (lifestyle, vitamins, Smep, acupuncture, etc) doesn't guarantee anything, I just can't accept that it's all down to luck or lack of. I really really struggle with that. Being naturally anxious I keep jumping from regrets of the past and negative what ifs of the future. It's truly hard. The uncertainty is indeed the worst part.
And I'm also so sensitive to any questions about having kids, it's insane. I too watch random families and envy what they have, never thought I'd be that person. You're definitely not alone in how you feel about all this. Unfortunately there's nothing people can say to make it better so they resort to the usual "just relax, it's the stress / it will definitely happen when you least expect it (I honestly don't get this one, how do I suddenly not expect it, should I just give up?) / do this or that / my cousin's aunt's neighbour's friend had this experience, etc etc".

All the very best of luck to you OP and the other ladies going through similar situations, I hope everything works out for all of us 🫂

I don't have many words of wisdom but wanted to say I'm in exactly the same boat. Trying since March 2024, absolutely nothing, not even a faint sniff of a line.

I hear what you're saying about it turning you into a shell of a person. I never knew it was possible to cry this much!

Also both super healthy and we do all the right things.

It's heartbreaking and I really don't think people appreciate how tough it all is until they go through it.
Plus two of my best friends started trying two months after us and got pregnant first time.
One of them decided, 10 months into us trying when she knew I was starting to get upset about it, that I was the suitable candidate to listen to all her pregnancy woes. That really hurt and still does.
It's a really lonely place and I berate myself for not 'coping' better seeing as technically we are only infertile by 3 months if a year is classed as normal.
But it's the unknown that's a killer! And it all really is shit!!!

Honestly so much in your posts resonates a lot with me.

Especially the hope/being proactive/symptom spotting/impending doom scenario each month.
Could have written that myself.

I could have written this!

I am also 38 and trying. I also put off trying until all our ducks were in a row, i.e. moved house, renovations etc. I also work long hours in a stressful job. Since trying I’ve been trying to eat healthy and take the right supplements etc. But nothing.

Whereabouts do you live in the UK? I’m sure the IVF cut off here is 40.

I am wondering how much the stressful job impacts things to be honest? I don’t want to miss out on having children because I’ve been worried about some project that will be forgotten about in a few years time anyway.

OP I wonder if your DH would do a private SA that you send in the post or something? Could be actually doing in the pot and handing it over or being visible that’s challenging. Mine has one coming up and I think he is nervous and I’ve read lots about other men online really scared/resistant through fear.

I’m a few years younger but otherwise feel very similar. Lost my dad to cancer which was a really awful time and I think the stress had a big part to play. I’ve really tried to overhaul my life and health for TTC. I recommend some private testing - it’s much quicker and more direct. I’ve just had an ultrasound and starting progesterone this cycle, possibly further tests as a result of ultrasound. Mine showed no follicles in one ovary, which doesn’t sound good yet GP just said “try for 3 months and come back”

It’s so tough with friends. I feel like I’ve just watched everyone around me get pregnant and pop out babies easily, bar one friend who i so wish it would happen for her too and will be so genuinely happy when I does, but also grateful I have a friend who understands?
Other friends have shared they’re having fertility struggles like I am but then got pregnant in 3 months, which is a totally normal timeframe? Made me feel really rubbish, and want to distance from them a bit

I’ve been listening to the Worst Girl Gang Ever, it’s more focused on baby loss but a lot of women on it experienced infertility or really struggled to conceive and I’ve found that comforting. Although also now know everything that could possibly go wrong if I did get pregnant which also probably not helpful!

I worry about the stressful job element too as mine is a lot. Not really sure what to do about it though as it can't be changed really!

Sooo many friends recently are pregnant too...or just people I vaguely know/used to know and see their social media/colleagues etc. maybe I'm just noticing it more at present
I'm actually ok at being genuinely happy for people but I can't stand any negativity. Like sure pregnancy is hard, but is it as hard as infertility? I don't see how it can be. Don't get me wrong I know people need a moan, it must be super rough at times, but don't moan to ME! People also talk about the 'newborn trenches' and again I think it looks tough but it's....tough in a good way?! A tough I would choose over this in a heartbeat. I'd rather chose sleepless nights with a baby than sleepless nights riddled with anxiety that I might never get a baby!! Plus newborn phase is temporary but we don't know if this will ever end happily.
Anyone else feel like that?

Plus like you say OP, it's changed me all this.
I worry if/when I get pregnant it's going to be tougher because of everything I've been through mentally. I worry I'll be so anxious in pregnancy. I feel like my mental health is already shot to pieces even before the challenge of newborn parenthood! So it's not really setting off on the right foot.
But one thing I'm grateful for is I've realised how rock solid my marriage is. And this situation has helped us communicate even better and support and understand each other even better. So hopefully our relationship will be even stronger than ever by the time we get to parenthood because of all we'll go through to get there!

Your DH needs to do a SA. NHS will do it and results are rapid.
If his sperm is the issue, you obviously need to know.
I'm shocked this hasn't been done and you're just assuming you're the issue.

We had 15 months TTC. 2 x normal sperm analysis in that time.
The month it worked was after a HSG (maybe flushed things through?) and I had just started Clomid. Even though I was ovulating, the fertility doctor recommended trying Clomid to increase the odds.
We didn't qualify for NHS fertility treatment but the appointment, scan, HSG and meds were about £500 private, and I got a same week appointment.

Best of luck!