Zilch, de nada, niente

[Shadoworshade]

DH and I have been actively TTC since March 2024. Off the pill for a year before that. Regular but very light periods. Ovulation positive. Not a smidgen of a BFP. Normal BMI, healthy diet, non smoker, take all the vitamins, do SMEP etc etc. Month after month.

It has turned me into a shell of a person. So much pain, so many regrets. Irony of ironies, DH and I have been together since uni – but spent so much time getting ourselves to a better place financially (moving up to the career ladder, getting out of renting, then first property, then another move during Covid) before trying. Stupidly, naively, we thought it would just happen. Not helped by example of friends having successful natural pregnancies in their late 30s/40. My Dad got cancer in late 2022, which threw us off for another while. We even waited until we had renovated our property – we wanted to ‘have all our ducks in a row’ (especially DH, who was daunted by fatherhood, and didn’t mind putting it off – I should have pushed for us to start trying but thought it would then happen, even if a bit later than I would have liked).

And then, after all the planning and waiting – zilch, de nada, niente. Month after month. So many years of taking the pill, being careful. Trying to do things right. And when we finally try: nothing.

Saw GP who did Day 21 bloods – al fine. She then told me I’m too old (at grand old age of 38) for NHS fertility treatment in my area. (Another case of putting a lot into the system and getting nothing back – have been a higher rate tax payer for 14 years). Have been doing acupuncture since February, with a strict, kind, Chinese lady (“Better but not good enough” is what she says every month – feels like the story of my life).

DH is very supportive but quite analytical: compares it to the chance of rolling a 6 at dice – says it’s a numbers game and we just have to be lucky once. (Although, mathematically speaking: if probability (BFP) = 1/6 every month, then BFP (over 18 months) = 3. Yet not a single BFP in reality!)

Feel so isolated. Women at work (younger than me) have already had two, or one and TTC their second. They clearly got their priorities right in the first half of their 30s. Compared to the naïve idiot I have been. Days are minefields of pain:

• Driving to work through local village at school drop off time, parents holding children’s hands. Saw a little girl skip next to her mother the other day, with that lovely moment of connection as their eyes met and they laughed together. A little boy jumping in a puddle with his rainbow umbrella. My heart shattered – will I ever have that?
• My team at work, bemoaning the lack of sleep they’ve had, how x’s nursery have rung and they have to leave early, how x has had really smelly nappies recently. I envy them all of it.
• One woman at work, who moans endlessly about how she wishes she’d delayed having her kids until a bit later. Despite my saying, ruefully, be careful what you wish for. She keeps saying to younger girls in the team – don’t do it, enjoy your life!
• The GP who said to me “well, lots of women now are having their second baby at your age”. Meant to be reassuring, but had the vibe of “you might just get to join the good girls’ club if you’re lucky”.
• The positive thinking brigade – your time will come, just relax, or some other inane vacuous drivel. (I have actually tried Marisa Peer but it had the whiff of victim blaming – if it doesn’t happen, you haven’t been positive enough! Happy thoughts NOW!)

It’s got to the stage where I’ve cried at random moments to colleagues. One man was surprisingly lovely, said that his wife had had two miscarriages and that a lot of people suffer behind the scenes. Another sympathetic GP said fertility seems inversely proportionate to effort. But most people haven’t lingered too long in the world of TTC and don’t get it / don’t want to go there.

I’m going to a private fertility clinic next week for scan and bloods. DH very uncomfortable about SA. I will do IVF if recommended.

My job is very demanding – long hours, stress. Daily yoga helps as does time in nature at the weekends. And reading – the ultimate comfort.

This has turned out far longer than I was expecting. I’m not sure what I’m asking for – I guess: experiences of TTC around this age? How to keep going and keep some semblance of self?

I have a mental bargain with myself – if I’m not pregnant by 40, I’ll resign from my job, sell the property and move away somewhere new with DH. I can’t keep living this way indefinitely.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone - but there is something reassuring in knowing I’m not alone in the struggle. It can feel that way when surrounded by parent colleagues at work and parent neighbours at home.

Took a p test yesterday (negative of course) which was the lowest moment (couldn’t bring myself to post). There’s something so stark and irrefutable about that single line staring back at you. Then the usual - wipe eyes, wash hands, put on mask and pretend everything’s fine. Totally fine, all good thanks, how are you. Listen to work colleagues moan about lack of sleep, vomiting bug at nursery (why would anyone have kids?! as they like to say on repeat). Quietly seethe/crumble.

AF today - and so the cycle continues, the sliver of hope that today may be Day 1 of our month. I think it was Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - he clearly hadn’t spent time in the fertility universe! It messes with your head like nothing else.

I have grappled with the stressful job element so much over the years. Have got better at not flogging myself to meet artificial deadlines and delegating to those I can trust. But it’s still intense and we’ve had some resignations (from mothers who want more work life balance!) which means those of us left are really pushed. There’s some genuinely time critical stuff - DH says I should step back more / say I’ve got too much on. I know he’s right but I’ve spent so many years building a reputation that it’s hard to let go. I’m gearing up for an honest conversation with my department head - that I expect to put in a request for unpaid leave if things don’t ease up.
As PP has said, all the work projects will be forgotten in a few years anyway!

In terms of NHS treatment, I’m in the SE (possibly outing to say more). At the time it felt like a slap in the face to hear I didn’t qualify for IVF but I’ve made peace with it - the NHS seem pretty slow so it’s possibly for the best. And - in contrast to the GP receptionist who announced to her colleague and thus whole waiting room ‘She’s here about INFERTILITY’ - the private clinic have been lovely in initial phone calls. I know they’re trained/paid to be that way, but it does help.

As pp had said, the whole struggle makes you feel like you’re starting on the back foot. I like to think it would make me resilient in the sense that I would embrace everything to do with pregnancy (morning sickness, changing shape - being it on!) But at other times I feel my reserves have been depleted before I’ve even started.

I will get on to DH about SA. Does anyone have experience with at home tests? - that might help bypass his reluctance. He’s been great generally - given up alcohol, improved diet etc.

Final peeves:

• The folk who solemnly tell you they timed their pregnancy to align with the start of the school year because the statistics are persuasive that autumn children get a head start. Smugness central.
• The ones who say you’re overthinking it. In other words, be a dozy brood mare and it will happen for you!

Wishing everyone the best of luck. I am beyond grateful for all the empathy and advice - MN at its best.

Firstly; don't kick yourself. It's not your fault. Nature is random, and there's sometimes just no explanation for infertility.
Secondly; don't think giving up your job will help. There's no evidence that stress is a factor. Women get pregnant in war zones, in refugee camps, in incredibly stressful situations. You're doing everything right.
I took 5 years to get pregnant, unexplained infertility. It just happened. Stressful job, death in the family, various other problems...then it clicked. I've no idea how or why.
It's tough. You're not alone 🙏

I’ve heard this is good but haven’t tried it ourselves: https://shop.exseedhealth.com/products/exseed-home-sperm-test-kit?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21934851026&gbraid=0AAAAAozQvUawscp76cnn6Y0BK4deUtM29&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-DBBhA5EiwAXOHsGUuaM_2ArNdlr2FsQ77FW4lAhV1nE6rqyaSMJVFIFxeZEglrb0hBBBoCKYsQAvD_BwE

sorry for the massive link!

This is sort of true but there’s emerging research about the impact of not feeling “safe” - linked to stress and busy lives. I did leave my old job and had a year of counselling and then got a Bfp (was a chemical, so not “fixed”) and my cycles regulated. I do think the stress played some part, but agree the “just relax” narrative is really unhelpful.

I’m going to edit to add that I haven’t looked into this myself but listened to this podcast episode yesterday where it was discussed: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0tKLZ7uRheompDKMfS7BWx?si=-2G_65woSauK3wdmxXZ8vA

OP definitely a good idea re just getting on with private stuff. I’ve found them really quick and efficient, no waiting around at all

I think what's happened is the very frustrating "just relax" mantra. As if the woman is somehow responsible for her own fertility by being "too stressed". The anecdotes about getting pregnant on holiday are usually down to the fact that the couple have more time and opportunity.
Women get pregnant the world over in less than "safe" conditions. My point is that too many women ironically put extra pressure on themselves by seeking what they perceive to be a more "suitable" lifestyle. I think it's obviously wise to consider your all round health, but "do yoga/go on holiday/just relax" are trotted out on these threads frequently.

Also I’ve mentioned this a few times on MN lately but worth getting your vaginal microbiome tested. It’s not routinely done by GPs but I did a home test kit and when discussed with my gp she had heard/read about it and agreed with the testing and treatment (antibiotics). Some types of bacteria if in too high or low quantities can affect fertility, miscarriage, pregnancy complications. Just worth ruling out all the simple things you can do - that was an at home test with Daye £99

Yeah I totally agree - just go on holiday is so unhelpful. But I think there’s more to how you feel in yourself that personally I couldn’t ignore and needed to address, but it’s not about personally blame or fault

Yes, although if there's a physiological problem, it needs to be investigated.
Fertility clinics would go out of business if it could all be sorted by relaxation!
Sorry, I was told to "just relax" for years. Didn't work!

Hey, OP. I 'watched' this thread when you first started it, meaning to come back to it but then got tangled up with other things.

I was in a very similar position to you twenty five years ago. Had left it until the age of 36 before starting trying to conceive. Had almost two upsetting and dispiriting years of nothing happening at all. I remember clearly having all the feelings you described: sadness, wistfulness, regret, the lot. Got pity from well-meaning friends and colleagues and heard the 'just relax' mantra, in various forms, many times.

I was referred for a gynaecological laparoscopy on the NHS just before my 38th birthday, had that done (nothing found) and conceived naturally a month later. Probably just coincidence but most people I told about it insisted that my 'tubes had been flushed through', leading to the successful outcome. That bit almost certainly bollocks, but I just wondered if that is still an option on the NHS these days? To check for anything untoward at least.

All the very best to you, OP.

It’s yet another paradox - just relax (unhelpful) versus trying to proactively address stressful situations that you know aren’t doing you any good even if there’s no clear link with fertility. I’m trying to do the latter, in that chronic work stress has lingered in my life for years. It was manageable in my twenties and early thirties but I’m so over it now - everything being a crisis, endless firefighting etc.

Hey @RenoDakota - thanks so much for sharing your experience. Upsetting and dispiriting sums it up right now - but so encouraging that you ultimately had a successful outcome. Will definitely check if laparoscopy is an option. I would be interested to know if your period of trying affected your experience of parenthood, and / or if it was something you were able to put behind you?

Appreciate the good wishes - same to everyone in the same boat.

@Shadoworshade your post has resonated so much with me and bought me to tears. I am sending you so much love and hugs as I absolutely understand the pain and sadness you feel. As women we spend our early 20s on contraception and stressing about pregnancy. And then for me (and many others) you then spend your late 30s / early 40s desperately trying to get pregnant.

Seeing others in your day to day life just naturally with their families hurts a lot. Spending time with friends who are pregnant and hearing their stories hurts even more. Even though you are happy for them of course.

All the physical advice you’ve been given is great, it feels important to be taking some positive action. But. The emotions are extremely hard. And the cyclical experience of waiting and wishing is a constant reminder of what you want and don’t yet have.

For what it’s worth, my advice. You can’t go back in time and change any past decisions, those thoughts make things so much worse. Don’t assume that others who have children are happy and that it is blissful joy, there are challenging children and experiences for many others, even though fertility might not be one of those.

Try if you can to make a plan for things that you enjoy and want to do with your life that don’t involve children. It hurts every time you imagine a world without them, but there are other positives that you can try and focus on. Sending love xx

@Shadoworshade I’ve read this thread a few times and wanted to reply, but haven’t until now as like you i just feel well and truly exhausted, defeated and sad about this whole TTC journey. I am similar to you in that I am 36, partner 42 and have now been trying for 6 cycles and no success. It’s not that long but actually it is when everyone around me gets pregnant within 2-3 cycles with ease! I also have had a long decent career, which has taken up a lot of my time over the last 20 years. I have not been with my other half that long, only just over 2 years so it didn’t feel right to try sooner than this year. We are happy, in love, yes have stress, but healthy, fit, all tests come back normal and yet nothing? It is soul destroying. Booked a holiday to Cyprus which I am currently on whilst writing this as life is particularly stressful right now given we are having a huge extension at home, so thought a week away in a lovely place is exactly what we need. Day 1 yesterday, mums and babies by the pool, caught a glimpse of a pregnant woman with her toddler and burst into tears. This isn’t fair. I just feel sheer desperation daily to find out I am pregnant. None of what I’ve said is helpful I know, just know that you aren’t alone and that there are silently many of us women who stand side by side in this journey of pain it’s just we don’t always know it. My only advice would be to make sure you have done as many tests as you can and do your own research on the actual results rather than just accepting what a GP says is normal. The normal ranges of many tests actually differ for being correct for peak fertility. For example a GP will say that a progesterone level above 13 is normal. Yet it must be over 30 to confirm successful ovulation and to sustain a pregnancy, they don’t tell you this. Thyroid whilst up to 4.5 is considered normal, you want it below 2 for optimum fertility. Vitamin D is considered normal at 50, yet most fertility clinics want it above 60 and closer to 100 for peak fertility. Please get hold of the results and research them yourself and there maybe something small and underlying that is a quick fix. Same with your OH sperm, get that tested and read the results yourself.
so sorry you are also on this shit train ride, wishing you the ability to get off soon with a positive test in hand xx