I'm a bad friend

[jealousandbitter]

I have name changed as I feel so horrible and childish and my friend posts on MN now and again and might see this.

Basically, DP and I have been TTC or rather FTC since July last year. I so desperately want another baby (like all of us here). I am extremely fortunate to have a LO already but with my problem it makes TTC very very difficult as I dont ovulate very often. A maximum of 4 (probably immature eggs) times a year maybe. Anyway, I confided in my friend when I found out about my problem and she was great and totally understands how I feel (as much as she can anyway). She has since found out she is pregnant. A complete surprise, only slipped up on contraception the once and is very happy.

This is what is killing me I'm so insanely jealous of her. To think of the amount of times DP and I have had unprotective sex since July and she manages it just the once. It makes me feel sick with envy. Now, everytime she mentions the baby I feel rage, I cant help it, I really cant. Of course I would never show this to her and I try my best to act so very happy for her but I cant even look at her bump, I cant mention her baby at all as my throat just seems to close over. I try my best to change the subject without seeming obvious when she talks about her pregnancy. Sometimes I just switch off when she talks about it (she talks about it all the time - totally understandable).

What do I do to overcome this raging jealousy? Will it go away? What makes things worse is just about everyone I know in RL is pregnant. It seems as though getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world to do. I dont think I'll cope if another friend tells me she's pregnant.

I haven't any experience of this, but I'd imagine what you're feeling is pretty normal.
for your difficulties ttc.

You're not a bad friend. You're doing your best to be happy for your friend and to not show her how upset you are. It must be so incredibly hard for you

I think I agree with sleepycat that you could tell her how you feel but make sure she knows that she can still talk about it and you are still delighted for her.

Hope you get pregnant soon.

I always take people's stories of how they fell pregnant (in RL) with a pinchof salt. For some reason, people don't like to mention that they have been TTC-ing, especially if it takes longer than expected. So, it may not be the case that it was 'just the once'.

Apart from that, this is a totally natural reaction...just give yourself space and time to get your head around it. It is possible to be gutted and sad for yourself whilst being happy for someone else.

My SIL and I had due dates 1 day apart until I mmc at over 11weeks. It was incredibly difficult but we got there in the end!

All the very best for you

Awwww, thanks guys.

Teuch how awful for you. I'm hoping I'll have your strength soon. I cant imagine the heartache of having a MMC let alone a MC. I've had neither and hope I never have to go through that kind of pain

JAB - it's awful, isn't it? In my case I have FTC for a similar length of time, after actually being your friend in the "just the once did the trick" camp the first time. We assumed we would have horrendous problems conceiving because of dh's health issues, so were absolutely gob-smacked when it really did happen the first month after coming off the pill.

This time around, no such joy. I see pregnant women everywhere and I feel so

Life is brutally unfair. No-one can explain that or make it different, somehow we all have to find our way to make peace with it. Not just with conception problems, although god knows that is truly terrible, but with everything else life has to throw at us. I sometimes burn with envy at my friends who have well husbands, for example, whereas mine is too ill to work or even function, really. I bitterly grieve the loss of a 'normal' family life for my ds as a result, and for my own life as a 'normal' wife, whatever that may mean. The insane jealousy is something I understand very well.

In your case, I think I would be tempted to explain to your friend how difficult you are finding things. Hopefully she will be able to see things from your point of view and, at a minimum, not interpret your silence negatively. You aren't a bad person at all, and simply want a little bit of consideration as to how her good fortune affects you.

Teuch, sympathies to you too. I've never had a mc or mmc either and can't imagine how awful it must be.

I can completely understand your feelings from personal experience. My husband and I had horrendous problems getting pregnant and during that time I found it very difficult to be around friends who were pregnant, especially one who's pregnancy was "a bit of a surprise".

I also think Teuch is right in that people don't like to admit if they've had problems and like people to think it took just one attempt. One friend said they had got pregnant "without even trying" I later found out her definition of "not trying" was not using contraception for 6 months!!!

Please don't feel bad, if you feel comfortable telling your friend how you feel then tell her, if she is a good friend she will understand how difficult this is for you.

Good luck and hope you get there in the end

Please don't be so hard on yourself JAB. I've been ttc for 4 years. We ttc for 3 months when I got pregnant with my ds so Its a shock when it doesn't happen next time. When a friend of mine told me she was expecting her 3rd I nearly blurted out greedy but managed to mumble congrats instead. So now her baby is here and she has 3 under age of 4, looks haggered has aged at least 10 years, has bits of baby food over her clothes I'm quietly smug.

I think what you feel is perfectly natural. Your rational side is telling you not to get upset and that you can't expect other people to put their plans on hold but the emotional part of you is obviously going to make you feel upset and... well... emotional.

It's tough but you will get through it and I expect that your friend is sensitive to your emotions but knows she can't stop you from sometimes feeling like you do.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is well meaning people asking 'are you ok about all this' when someone else gets pregnant. I hate the idea that people think I am so horrid that I might be having horrible thoughts about what is a happy and wonderful time for them.

You're not a bad friend at all! You are being a good friend and trying your hardest to be happy for her. You can't help your feelings. I lost count of the number of times that I smiled and congratulated, and then went home to DH and raged to him that X and Y were "taking all the baby luck and there wasn't any left for me".

I can second the "you never know" posts on here too. If you met me in RL you would think that I had two completely normal conceptions, one of them incredibly fast. I certainly wouldn't tell you of all the time TTC "naturally" and then all the months of failed fertility treatment.

totally understandable. with every passing month i become more bitter and twisted. i see pg women and am filled with rage. im furious when people tell me that they are pg, it feels like a personal affront and (i hate myself for saying this) i can only be happy for people who have had to "work" at ttc. when their babies ae born its not so bad. because they arent my babies. but when they are pg i feel angry because i should be too.

what has your cons said?

Hi lissielou I'm the same. The ones who've had to "work" at TTC I am over the moon for! Terrible isn't it

I'm going through the NHS so I havn't even seen the consultant yet I saw one of her nurses in February who sent me off for a few tests and scans which I've done. My next scan isn't until September, but I should be seeing the consultant in August. I'm hoping she will prescribe me some Clomid to give my ovaries a kick up the back side. It's just such a long process, if I went private I'd probably have Clomid or something by now It's just too expensive to go down that route.

I just still cant get my head around it all, I'm sure everyone feels the same, it just doesnt make sense that most people I know in RL can fall pregnant so easily. The one I mentioned earlier definitely wasn't TTC as she had only just got into a relationship so she really did have a slip up with contraception. I just cant understand how on earth someone can get pregnant that way when in theory you only have about 4 days in a month to conceive and then there's only a 25% chance of it sticking The chances of having a "surprise" pregnancy must be incredibly small. But so many people fall pregnant this way.
I just want to be able to ovulate every month like everyone else so at least I have a chance!

wow, thats a helluva wait! are you on high dose FA too?

I have a cousin who had 4 kids - everyone asked her if the 4th was an accident and at the time the response was that it was yes - just one slip etc.....

More recently she told me they were trying for ages for the 4th and didn't want to tell people in case they thought they were being irresponsible (not much money etc.)

Your friend may be telling you this thinking she is saving your feelings

Either way get some councelling as negative emotions are unlikely to help conception.....

It does happen - I got pg seven years ago from a one-night stand. I took the MAP, but it didn't work. And I had a termination.

Naturally, I'm wracked with guilt about this, as I've since had two MCs and two MMCs of much-wanted and much tried-for babies. Now when people get pg 'by accident' it makes me feel red-mist-type rage, and guilt. And grief.

When they're born, it's not too bad, I agree. But it's as though when a woman's pg, it's as if she's stolen mine.

I did that too - it was OK if someone "deserved" the pregnancy (i.e. they had a difficult time conceiving). I still have the urge to tell people who are TTC (or rather FTC) that I "earned" my PGs.

I still get livid at people who take it for granted though. How can they not appreciate what they have? Or even worse, those that think that they are something special because they conceived first time. I had three friends tell me in quick succession that they had done that wiht all the "nudge nudge, wink wink". So bloody smug.

Very understandable. It will help you (and your relationship with your frined) if you can remind yourself when the rage comes that you are actually angry about your situation not hers. I know that sounds a bit daft but I found it helped to think of it that way.

I never managed to get pregnant. Not ever. I know you can get over feelings of jealousy and rage but only if you work at it and probably not any time soon in your case.

I'm not sure thats very coherent.

But its not really smug MrsT unless they know of your difficulties (in which case it would be startlingly insensitive not just smug). Loads of people (in fact the majority) get pregnant wihtout too much difficulty and will often never come across someone who is openly having problems conceiving. And in any event they don;t have any idea how painful it is. The moment I had to accept that I would never get pregnant was an immensely painful one for me but I don't expect anyone who gets pregnant to feel anything other than delighted - why shouldn't they take it for granted if it happened easily for them!

I completely understand and hated finding out other people were pregnant. When it was a close friend, I was like you - angry and upset every time I saw her. One month DH and I had a break from hated IUI, I got pissed in front of this friend and told her exactly how I felt but that I still loved her and would love her baby but I found it very difficult to be around her while she was pregnant. I would probably have tried to phrase it more carefully [-blush] but she was lovely. We agreed to speak a lot on the phone rather than meet until the baby was born, she invited me to visit them in hospital on her DS's first day and asked me to be godmother. Anyway, long story but it might be worth gently trying to explain to your friend how you feel about it at the moment.

if everyone found it difficult to conceive then the human race would have died out by now! The majority of people do find it relatively easy - we long term TTC'ers are the exxception not the rule.

Oh, I know. 90% of it was that I was so sensitive. There is a culture of "wow, we must be great in bed, and DH must be really virile for it to happy so quickly" with some people though, and sadly I seem to be friends with some of them. Well, not sad that they're my friends obviously. I am very cautious about the whole fertility thing generally, and have tried and tried (without success) to persuade my Mum not to go around crowing about her GC to people who have no DC/GC of their own. I think she assumes that people would tell her if there were "issues", even though she knows that we kept ours a secret!

i remember before i was pg with ds and dh andi had been ttc for nearly 4y an old workmate came in with her 3 all under 3 and having to listen to her joke that she has a top notch uterus. at the time i felt a nameless rage but now i understand it a little better. i feel that all my friends with their functioning wombs and casual conversations about coming off the pill and their "disasterous" accidents are taunting me and my non-functioning body.

God MrsT I really do understand - I just don;t take the attitude that people should be grateful for something which is easy for them becasue its difficult for you (particularly if they don't know that its difficult). But then I was lucky that none of my friends were particularly smug about it.

My mum now has the opposite problme - after my experiences she now assumes anyone who doesn't have DC's has fertility problems and doesn;t considee that it may be choice!

Hi

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

I think what you are feeling is infact normal.
I would certainly not call you a bad friend at all. Instead one that is completely and utterly frustrated by a system that is supposed to help!!.

You may be interested to look at this UK based website, I do think they could help you:-

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com

With best wishes

Attila x

Jealousandbitter, I have been on the other side of this equation - when expecting my first dd, a friend just stopped seeing me, calling me etc. I had no idea what I had done wrong, and she did not respond to my calls. I found out later via a mutual friend that the day I told her I was pg, she had discovered that she could not conceive naturally, and that IVF was the only way. I wish she had told me - I don't know what I could have done to make it easier for her, but I could totally understand why she felt as she did - I'm sure your friend would too.