I feel like I'm getting left behind

[Firsttime2023]

Hi all,

I guess I just want to rant/vent....
I've been ttc for a year now and nothing. I've had fertility tests which have so far been normal, my partner is having tests this week and then I can hopefully be referred for further tests.

I'm 38 and getting really disheartened now, as I know age isn't on my side. I've just found out someone close to me is having twins, and obviously I'm so happy for her but it hit me hard as I'd literally just had another bfn 😢

I feel like everywhere I look, friends families are all having children, starting their families and then there's me. It's completely irrational and self centred I know 😂 probably my hormones as AF is obviously about to start. But it's just so hard sometimes 😞

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? I feel like giving up

Thank you.

You are doing a great job with getting healthy and should be very proud of yourself, it's so hard to stay focused with weight loss and so it is amazing that you have already lost 2 stone! This is going to be a massive health improvement. It sounds like you have a good plan!

It is really unfortunate that the NHS won't treat for a thyroid that isn't over 3. I ran into the same issue, but luckily was able to see a private OB who agreed with treating it. I guess we have to advocate for our own health but that can also feel overwhelming when you have to fight for tests and treatment.

@Firsttime2023 no real advice, but wanted to say I massively sympathise.

The only thing I can say helped me mentally (and practically) is always having the next step in mind. After TTC for only a few months, before we qualified for NHS tests, i had them done privately, including HyCoSy. This had always been my plan if we didn’t fall straight away as we started a little later in life and I wanted to know quickly if we’d have any issues. Tests came back unexplained. A while later we qualified for help, did a few rounds of ovulation induction, didn’t work, but I always knew how many we’d get and knew ivf was next. First transfer didn’t work, but knew we’d do another. The second one worked and I’m now nearly 7weeks pregnant but even now I’m scared we’ll lose it and so we have agreed our ‘next step’ already if the worst does happen.

I needed (and still do need) to know I was always moving forward, when my friends around me were all moving forward with their babies, as the unknown was terrifying. I can’t picture a future without children so if I didn’t keep our ‘next step’ in mind, i would start spiralling and thinking well what DOES my future hold. Feeling like I was frozen in time was awful, like time was somehow carrying on without me. A really dark time which I’m now cautiously climbing out of.

Make that plan, and good luck ❤️

Hey everyone, I just wanted to post on here as I feel so upset and alone, and my husband doesn’t really get it. One of my lovely colleagues has just told me this morning that she’s pregnant. She’s 10 years younger than me, and is recently married, and doesn’t know I’m trying, but when she told me said “oh and it happened the first month we tried, how funny is that!”. She’s a really sweet person so I would never want her to go through what I am, but I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and was nearly sick. I feel so bad for feeling like this, but it just feels like a massive kick in the teeth. My husband says it shouldn’t matter as her getting pregnant straight away doesn’t affect our path in any way, but the thought of having to see her everyday merrily chatting about how easy the whole thing has been is breaking my heart a little more, I was just about coping as I wasn’t having to see/closely work with a pregnant person every day.
I feel so bad/selfish about it but I just feel so so sad for myself, and had made a bit of progress in the “what will be will be” camp, and this has just unexpectedly sent me crashing backwards. I’m so sorry to vent but just wondering if anyone can relate 😓😓😓😓

Big virtual hugs! Do you feel like you could tell this colleague in confidence that you're trying and that it's really not been that easy for you, and that whilst it's great that she conceived so soon and you're very happy for her, that is not the case for many women?

If not.... you might not be able to change how she talks about this at work, but you can change how you react to it. Sounds like deep down you are happy for her, can you pull on that thread and focus on it a bit. It's great that she was able to conceive so quickly, you wouldn't wish infertility on anyone etc. Thinking about positive emotions you have about this situation can only help.

Another, slightly more pessimistic approach that helps me is to think about the wider context. Who knows what this person's life is like, or is going to be like. They might have had an abusive upbringing or they have some heartache coming for them later. Infertility might not be part of their journey but nobody has an easy life full of only happiness, let them enjoy this happiness, yours will come again soon.

@CatmumTTC Thankyou so much for your kind words. I have just been cleaning my shower whilst in floods of tears, and reading your reply has helped. I think I will tell her, she is a genuinely nice person and I am happy for her, and I don’t think she would be actively rubbing my nose in it if she knew how I felt, but I also feel guilty telling her in case she feels she can’t show her excitement the way she wants because of me. It’s hard!!

I think it’s the fact she conceived so quickly that’s upset me the most - it just reiterates the fact I feel so alone in this journey (as in amongst physical friends/family etc) and I try to tell myself it is normal to take 12m+ but hearing about more and more people that managed it straight away only makes me feel worse about myself if that makes any sense?!

Thanks so much for your kind reply! Hopefully I can wallow in it over the weekend and by the time work comes back around on Monday I might be feeling a bit better about life! Fingers crossed 🤞

xx