I feel like I'm getting left behind

[Firsttime2023]

Hi all,

I guess I just want to rant/vent....
I've been ttc for a year now and nothing. I've had fertility tests which have so far been normal, my partner is having tests this week and then I can hopefully be referred for further tests.

I'm 38 and getting really disheartened now, as I know age isn't on my side. I've just found out someone close to me is having twins, and obviously I'm so happy for her but it hit me hard as I'd literally just had another bfn 😢

I feel like everywhere I look, friends families are all having children, starting their families and then there's me. It's completely irrational and self centred I know 😂 probably my hormones as AF is obviously about to start. But it's just so hard sometimes 😞

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? I feel like giving up

Hello, I totally get what you mean. I turned 39 in June, I've been trying since February... no luck so far. I went to my gp a couple of weeks ago, and I'm getting blood tests next week. A few of my friends got pregnant within the first 3/6 months of trying. I think that what you are feeling is completely normal. To be honest, I never thought it would be so difficult to get pregnant. I'm aware I'm not young anymore, but I'm healthy, I have a healthy weight, regular periods, no fertility problems in my family history, I exercise, I've never smoked... I don't understand why it isn't happening for us. As the months go by, I feel more and more frustrated. I'm angry, I'm sad, and I feel powerless as my vision of my future family seems to disappear right in front of my eyes.

@Rain11 oh I'm sorry you feel like this too! Hopefully the blood tests will put your mind at rest. I had some done a few months back and they all came back normal, so at least I know I do ovulate and I have a good egg reserve!

I'm like you, I'm healthy, exercise, never smoked etc and my partner is the same!

I find the week before my period is due the most stressful. That's probably why I'm so late this month as I've stressed myself out testing so much! I don't normally do that tbf I normally just wait for AF to arrive. I just really felt different about it this month like it had happened 😢

I'm sure it will happen for us 🤞🏼

Yes it sucks. It's been 18 months for us, 1 MC in that time. So many friends at work are getting pregnant at the moment, I want to be pleased for them but it's just a reminder of what we don't have. The hardest part is the isolation, colleagues don't know what's going on and my job can be stressful, friends only have a bit of the info because I've found it hard to share when they don't have issues themselves... I feel like there's a big difficult part of my life that I'm not able to share and it's isolating. I'm only 34 so hopefully time is on our side. I had visions of a big family but if it's this hard each time I'm not sure I can put myself through that.
I have found online communities and the BFN podcast helpful though, to feel less isolated by it all.

I couldn’t read and run! I’m in a similar situation - I’m 35 and on cycle 10 TTC, and not even a hint of a bfp in that time! I’m really really struggling mentally with this, I know I’m a bit older than most people trying to conceive their first, but my Mum had me at 36 and my brother at 38, conceived us both within 2 months, and I’m fit and and healthy, cycles like clockwork etc etc. I’ve been to the GP to get the ball rolling but they were pretty dismissive, and said it can take 2 years!!!! I can’t wait two bloody years 🤣🤣 as I was hoping to have 2 babies!!! It never even crossed my mind I would have a problem (I know that’s really naive now in hindsight), and I am genuinely devastated each month AF arrives.
I don’t have have tips as to what to do apart from keep going, but I just wanted to say you’re not alone, and the heartbreak is real! 😓 take care and best of luck with everything xxx

18 months here and I’m 39- can I just ask how did you know about the egg reserve? My gp just did my day 21 bloods which all looked ok

hope to see all our bfps soon 🤞🏻

There are obviously no guarantees, but you might like to know that my DC (in her late 30s) was TTC for 3 years, during which time she had one very early miscarriage. Tests found nothing wrong. She finally got pregnant and is expecting her baby next week. So there is definitely hope.

I’m 39 and pregnant now (due in November). I was like you at the beginning of this year: in seemingly good health but worried that there was something seriously wrong. It took 14 cycles to conceive this baby. I had tests and there was no reason for it not to happen. Sometimes it’s just a matter of luck I think. Some people take longer than others.

My advice is to keep trying! If the tests don’t show that anything is wrong then it is very likely that it will work one of these months. Do everything you can to increase your chances. We were DTD every 2-3 days in the fertile window. We also both took prenatal vitamins and for 2 months before I fell pregnant, we were taking 200mg ubiquinol per day (don’t know if it helped but it’s often recommended).

I know how terrible it feels when it doesn’t work cycle after cycle, but chances are that nothing is wrong. Try your best to channel your energy away from despair and into doing things to increase your chances. I was shocked when I finally had a positive test as I was starting to give up hope. Baby is totally healthy and this pregnancy has been straightforward and easy. Although a year feels like a long time, it’s actually not much longer than the average time to conception so don’t get discouraged!

Another one here who took time to fall pregnant.

At 33 it was 20 months (and one miscarriage) before I fell pregnant with DD.

It can be all consuming and incredible depressing every month when AF shows up and your dreams are crushed.

I've no idea what "did it" for me but I had a HSG a couple of months before falling pregnant and also started Clomid (even though tests confirmed I ovulate every month), so I'm guessing one of those things did the trick.

You could consider paying 500 gbp privately for a tube flush
( this checks your Tubes are open etc)

Have u had your tubes flushed / checked?

@PoppyPeaches @CatmumTTC thank you both for sharing. It is so frustrating to think I spent the majority of my life on some kind of contraceptive terrified of getting pregnant only to realise it's actually it's really bloody hard 😂
It is reassuring to hear of so many positive stories on here of women over 35 ttc their first and having success. It does feel like I'm completely on my own as all my close friends that are my age have had children now, and the only friends I have who don't are a good few years younger than me!

My AF still hasn't arrived which is so annoying 😞 just want to get onto the next cycle now.

@MrBigsCat I had bloods done with Hertility. I think it was about £130 ish and they send you a thorough report afterwards. I would recommend it. I did have repeat bloods with the Gp but I don't feel like the GP is really bothered! I'm tempted to go private to have scans done as it takes so long through the GP!

@VereeViolet thank you for your positivity ☺️ and huge congratulations to you! you're right I just have to keep trying and believe it will happen 💕 I have considered trying ubiquinol......it's quite pricey though isn't it? I have got some prenatal vitamins to try as well.

@ClementineSatsuma do you mind me asking if you went through your GP or privately?

@worldwidetravel2017 no I haven't looked much into this.....how would you know if your tubes need flushing? Is it something they pick up on a scan?

So the GP ran bloods and a vaginal swab, but for the HSG and Clomid I went private. Honestly, it's the best decision I ever made. I got an appointment the same week and it was quick, professional and reassuring. Also really affordable IMO. Something like £250 for the consult, quick ultrasound scan (during the consult) and prescription and £500 for the HSG.

If I could give my 39 year old self some advice it would be to much more aggressively pursue fertility treatment. I had a baby at 36 (conceived first time) and another at 38 (third time, I think) but was never able to conceive again once we started trying for a third when I was 39. That was partly to do with scar tissue from the second c-section, but by the time I had it removed (at 41) I was essentially perimenopausal and infertile. I don't say this to be alarmist - very likely it will happen naturally soon. But 38 is very much an age where for many of us - even those with good egg reserve at 35/36 - things start to head south. If you can afford it and want more than one child I would go straight to IVF.

Also wanted to share some positivity/ solidarity as remember this feeling. I'm 36 and it took us 9 months to conceive - I'm now 6 months :) are you taking coq10? I started taking it and conceived 6 weeks later, don't know if a coincidence or not but worth a try. Anyway just wanted to say it can take time but I sympathise it's so hard every month x

I had one this week

Unfortunately was bad news 4 me as my tubes are very likely blocked

Coat 515 gbp privately

You know u need ivf faster then etc

Hycosy ( with dye )
Or hyfosy ( with foam)
They can u whilst inserting dye or foam

Very helpful assessment / process

I second this

I had hyfosy for 515 gbp
With foam
Instead of hycosy with dye

But really recommend

@Firsttime2023 I recognise you from my line eyes thread and thought I'd join here instead since that one just feels depressing now 😢

I feel similar in terms of being "left behind", I have a tight knit friendship group from school and all but 1 now have a child, all girls too. They very much talk about the "next gen girl gang" as they're all 1 year apart each, youngest just turned 1. I feel like each month that goes by I'm getting left further behind 😓

As said on my other thread I have had (my first) chemical this month. I thought I'd had one before but now realise that was likely an evap as was nothing like this. I had/still have nausea and sore boobs but started bleeding heavily overnight so definitely out now. This was cycle 7 so I know not as long as many. I am 34 so have a little time but feel 35 looming with all it's scary statistics on fertility.

I had Hertility testing as well and all came out normal except very borderline thyroid but below the threshold NHS would do anything for.

Have you gone for a hyCosy or hyFosy ?

Worth getting your tubes checked / flushed ?

Can I just ask anyone that ended up having blocked tubes and needing them flushed - are there any symptoms of this, or is this a completely unexpected finding on further investigations? Thanks!

If tubes are blocked - sometimes they remain blocked ( and the tube flush doesnt work - so shows they are blocked )

Some people have no symptons of blocked tubes .

Some people only learn one or both tubes are blocked by going for tube flush.

Some say some symptons could be facial hair , back pain , heavy periods and various things.
Thing is ^ some of those are same symptons as some other conditions

Not yet I was planning to give it a couple more months and book one for the new year if no luck. Though now I've had a chemical does it seem like they wouldn't be blocked?? But I guess one could be or still be semi congested! I think I will stick to my plan and book one in Jan if no luck.

I've started taking Coq10 in addition to try and improve egg quality in case that's the issue.

I agree with pp, at 38 you need to pursue private fertility treatment. GPs don't help with this.

We ended up going abroad for treatment twice but the arrangements were made by a consultant in the UK. UK treatment ime was expensive and customer service was rubbish.

Regarding managing how you feel, infertility is something that socially excludes you (at least, that's how I felt). If you look round your friendship group you will find other people who feel or have felt that way (whether because they're gay, single, widowed, chronic illness...). Spend time with them. They won't want to talk about babies!

I am in the middle of testing now, waiting for my AF to return after an early loss and then getting a HSG. In your position, I would go private and get treatment for your thyroid. Is it your FSH that is borderline? Mine is borderline (though still considered normal) and I was given medication to bring it down. I was also told to take 600mg of Ubiquinol by my fertility doctor. My AMH is really great, and all other tests for me and DH have so far come back normal. The reality is that even if your egg supply is high, the quality might not be great and so anything you can do to increase the quality of the egg is worth it.

I recommend reading "It starts with an Egg", I wish I had this information 8 months ago when we stated TTC. I also would advise seeking private fertility care now, its not worth putting off when time is running out.

Yes FSH was 2.7 and recommended for TTC is under 2.5. NHS wouldn't treat till at least over 3.

Being honest I am working on my weight as am quite overweight atm. Lost 2 stone but have realistically 2 more minimum to lose, so am prioritising that to give myself the best chance. That has involved changing diet and cutting out rubbish/sugar etc. So I hope this will be helping my thyroid and plan to get repeat thyroid test soon and see. If it's not gone down or gone up I'll seek private opinion.

I'm sorry for your loss as well.