I want to start trying but husband doesn't... Am I the unreasonable one?

[mixy2000]

I've wanted a baby for the last couple years, we now own a 2 bedroom maisonette, my husband is learning to drive, he earns a good wage, my MH is better than it was a year ago after my dad passed away, to me we seem to be in a good position. He is saying he wants to pass his test (he only started lessons 2 weeks ago), he wants to get more money etc, just seems to be a few excuses all the time. He has agreed next year or 2, but I'm so worried there will be more excuses tbh.

I am 26 (almost 27) he is 28 (almost 29) we have been together 6 years, married 1.

There is also an added layer that I was diagnoses with PCOS 2 years ago, and was told it is quite severe, and I will most likely struggle to concieve (although not impossible!) but I am now undergoing a referral for a suspected diagnosis of endometriosis as well, because I can't just have one, gotta be greedy and have both lol. But this has obviously effected me as someone that has always wanted to have kids/be a mum, now my best friend is pregnant and my husbands brother girlfriend is pregnant ( a total accident they are younger, not prepared etc.) and I'm so happy for them, especially my best friend who has wanted it for so long and went through a traumatic miscarriage as well as loosing a twin in this pregnancy. But I am naturally scared of the uncertainty of not being able to have kids, and would like to try sooner than later in case it does not happen for us, and having to go through IVF which we have already agreed to only do the one round on the NHS and won't pay for it privately, we would look at adopting, and obviously that takes a while. All obviously circumstantial but the uncertainty and the potentially years long journey is starting to upset me. My husband says he understands this but still wants to wait, but I feel like he can't really understand being told at 24 you may struggle to conceive and then 2 years later having another potential diagnosis that will effect reproductive help is very hard for me.

I also was very effected by my dad dying, he died at 59 suddenly, he was not sick. My whole family has obviously been effected, and it's very cliché but it does make you think life is too short, and now I don't see the point in waiting, I want to live life now, but my husband doesn't get this. We are the most financially stable of all our friends, we have been together the longest etc, I work in a charity shop where we get tons of baby stuff, we know lots of people that have said we can use their baby stuff when we have a child etc. the financial excuse makes no sense to me? We earn the most out of all our friends. We apart from buying our house, have no purpose to 'save' or scrimp, we eloped in vegas have had no major expenses come out since buying our home, we are in such a good financial position in my mind, at least from growing up poor.

Sorry this was such a rant, I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, with my best friend being busy with her pregnancy and her fiancé is my husbands best friend so I don't want to talk about it tbh. But am I being unreasonable? Or how can I best get my feelings across to my husband? It's making me more upset everyday when I see my friends and people I know that don't even plan to have kids getting pregnant, people that are in a much worse position than us, I try so hard not to be jealous, but it's impossible and then I feel like a terrible person!!

Gently, yes, I think you might be the unreasonable one. Your diagnosis’ not withstanding, you are both still pretty young, and your husband has every right to want to wait until he is ready - babies should always, always be a ‘two yes, one no’ situation.
Perhaps you should sort out your medical investigations and then go from there.

1. Wants to pass his driving test - does he realise it might take time to conceive ?
2. A pregnancy is 9 months - so he should have passed his test by the time baby arrives.
3. Wants more money - what does he mean by that ? Does he want to save up to buy baby items ? i.e. pram / cot etc or does he want to earn more ?
4. Is it possible for him to earn more - what is he doing about it - right now ?!!!

Thank you, I am happy being told I am unreasonable, it's good to get an outside perspective! I would never give him an ultimatum or make him say yes, I'm just so scared in 2 years there will be another round of excuses, worried he just doesn't want kids, even though he says he does? I can't help but have this sense of mistrust due to previous abusive relationship that manipulated me.

You are being a little unreasonable here. I understand that sometimes the greatest fear is not knowing but your husband has just as much of a right to make this decision as you do.

Let him pass his driving test but plan your next steps for what happens if he doesn’t change his mind. What do you want more him or a child? If it’s a child you may need to find someone who has the same wants as you.

1 and 2. I have told him that but he is worried about failing and to be fair to him the current wait time for a driving test in our area is quite long.

3&4. To be honest I'm not sure, he talks about saving but we do have some savings, I think he wants to make sure we never have to dip into our 10k emergency fund for house related things, like for example if our boiler breaks we have money for it, stuff like that, he's also not too keen on getting everything second hand where I am the second hand queen and usually only buy everything second hand when safe/possible lol. He earns a lot for his age/profession and his company comes with excellent bonuses (he gets about £10k of shares in stocks every year) and gets rises every year. He earns over the tax threshold, when he has out of curiosity looked for jobs in our area in the same profession the pay is lower.

Ahh thats so tough, I have always wanted a family, but I love him with all my heart it hurts to think of life without him. It would probably have to be him. I would never ever make him say yes, I would never pressure him into having a baby thats a disaster waiting to happen!

I think you are a bit - you are pretty young.

I would talk to your husband about what’s worrying you, and aim to set a date and a savings goal - maybe in 18 months? That way you will still be trying to conceive a couple of years before 30 which will still give you time to manage your fertility issues if it’s possible to.

It’s a good idea to have savings for mat leave and for the hell that is nursery fees

Conversely your husband might feel he wants to travel or just have a bit more freedom and fun (eg using his driving license to go on weekends away with you) before you start the all-consuming life of parents. Talk to him about what he wants to do before you have kids. Can you drive BTW? If you can’t do learn before you have kids.

does make you think life is too short, and now I don't see the point in waiting
but there are things to do in life other than have a baby. At 26 and 28 the world is your oyster in a way it won't be once you have children.

I do see your point tbh because I felt the same and at 24 we'd already been trying over a year and as soon as we bought our own house we had ivf a few months later. During my pregnancy I was doing a lot of DIY and painting bedrooms etc and our lounge was all refurbished. We both had our careers nailed down too at this point so that wasn't an issue.
My partner obviously agreed to having a baby too but was not 100 percent keen and I do think some men need a bit of a nudge. We get the hormonal urge but men don't. Absolutely no regrets, we have a beautiful son. I also have PCOS, I am 27 now and have been trying for our second for 9 months.
I would just let your partner pass the test or try and set a goal for when you can start trying at least?

Just to ease your mind a bit, I also have PCOS and endo and was told when I wanted to get pregnant, I would have to go the IVF route. I fell pregnant naturally last year at 28 6 months after coming off the pill. Don't let fear be a driving factor in trying to conceive, I think it's really natural to worry about the unknown but so many women have PCOS and conceive easily and naturally. You also have plenty of time as you are young!

I would also add that having a baby is going to be really testing on your relationship anyway, so it does have to be an enthusiastic yes from both of you if you're going to do this.

That sounds reasonable, thank you.

I don't drive, but I can't afford driving lessons, he earns very good money, but I do not but his money gives me the opportunity to do the job I love (working with charity) so we decided he would be the one to learn, I had driving lessons when I was younger and was no good tbh I'm not very good at doing 2 different things with my hands at once, and remembering to do all the things they want you to do for a test when it comes to manoeuvres lol

I think thats it, it's purely the unknown that scared the hell out of me! Like I know its possible, but I've always been a planner and having back up plans etc, thats just who I am, and now something is sort of out of my control and you don't know until you try is really testing me lol

I think because I have already done so much I want to do with my life, I spent my late teens, doing the travelling, festivals, experiences etc, as I didn't go to uni so I spent that time just working and then doing the things I want too, I sort of almost got that out my system if that makes sense? And now want to do those family experiences.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all!
I don't get people saying that you're unreasonable!

Your married and have been together 6 years. You have PCOS and possible endo. Of course you want to ttc!
I married at 25 after being with my husband for 11 years prior.
We welcomed our daughter at 30 (after ttc with unexplained infertility and a failed round of IVF after 3 years of ttc)
We're now 35 and unable to conceive again and now this is the cut off point for my husband.

I think you are still young and although your reasons for wanting to start tic now are reasonable, your husbands reasons for waiting are also reasonable
You mention that your MH is 'better' now, might that be a reason that your husband wants to wait awhile.

Honestly I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think you are being really realistic and smart to plan for what could be a longer time TTC. The whole process of fertility testing, IVF etc.. it takes so so long. You're much better to start sooner if you know you will come up against additional challenges compared to a couple without any issues.

Sorry to hear about your dad

The only real issue is if one party is not ready to have a baby then you should not have a baby whatever other circumstances there may be.

Hi
I had this with my husband and it took him a long time to come round. I really feel for you and know how you feel but believe me when he does come round and you do ttc it will be all worth it when you know you both want the same thing. I know your worried about the pcos and endometriosis but you are still young. I'm ttc in my 30s and think I may have endometriosis.

You can't afford driving lessons?

Kids come with far more costs than driving lessons.

I think since neither you or your DH drive, it makes sense to wait until you are more financially secure.

Plus if your mental health was understandably suffering last year, I would give yourself more time to just enjoy the calmness.

Pregnancy and kids is incredibly challenging.

As for infertility, I get it, none of my babies were carried to term. My son is adopted. But infertility is a whole other hell. I really recommend breathing and enjoying the extra time to get yourself more secure financially and mentally.

Respectfully to everyone who said yes I don’t think you are in a marriage both people are important as much as he wants to pass his test you want to be a mother. I don’t think you’re too young and I think your feelings are valid. Have you point blank asked him do you actually want kids or do you want me to have what I want. To me the driving test can represent 1 of 2 things. Either he is scared of messing up and wants as much perfection as possible or he doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t know how to tell you. What ever the reality you deserve to know. Don’t make it a fight just safe space and ask. If it’s the first then he needs to just be exposed to it a little bit more and feel more comfortable in that environment so he can realise the reality. If he does not want kids then it’s up to you to decide where to go from there.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable with wanting to try being in a stable situation and health condition. It took my husband a long time to come around to wanting to ttc. I wanted to start over a year ago but we weren’t in a good place relationship wise, much better now. He was so ensure kept saying I don’t know. Had counselling where this came up. I did push him a lot due my age am now 35 and felt the ticking clock of time running out for me. He eventually came around is his own time late last summer. Whether we agree a point of time to start trying, which was towards end of last year. We still not been successful yet, currently in tww wait, this cycle seems different, so am hopeful

I do get it - it especially piles on when others around you start to get pregnant, especially unplanned. It’s important to remind yourself your time will come. I also think you have some more things to work through with your husband if you are afraid he won’t hold up his end in a year or two and say he’s ready to start - that’s a question of trust you need to work through before you start trying anyway!
Also agree that babies are far more expensive than driving lessons so you might want to think about your budget again.

OP there are things you can do now to improve your situation, with respect of having a baby in a couple of years. Save up sufficient money to cover yourself & some of the costs of baby during your maternity leave. 9 months on minimal money is no fun. Babies can be expensive and if you can't afford driving lessons, then your finances will struggle. That will help your dh feel more comfortable. Don't lay it all on him financially. Remember, when he passes his test, he will need to buy a car and pay insurance. Thousands.

Healthwise, get as fit as possible. Loose any surplus weight, increase your activity levels. Having a baby is tiring, and the fitter you are, the better you are likely to cope. It will also improve your mental health. Think about how you will pay for childcare. How would that work?

Parenthood is a long term project and you are still young.

As I said, me personally on my own money I couldn't afford it, we do pool our income together so we made the sensible financial decision to have one of us learn to drive rather than both of us, if that makes sense? 2 people learning to drive at the same time is expensive and seems unnecessary.

I had a chat with him last night and he promised me he's looked at our money recently as I do have a better pay coming next month due to a rise, and he agrees we now are in the best financial place to have a baby, we have enough savings and enough to save whilst we try to put a separate 'baby' fund for emergencies. He has promised once he passes his test he wants to try starting for a family, made me feel a lot more reassured he wants kids, before he'd never really looked into it, just said excuses, so this has helped reassure me, and we have agreed to book in some private testing to check my fertility, as the NHS as wonderful as they are getting me a diagnosis, pretty much told me they won't look into fertility until we tell them we are trying.