I want to start trying but husband doesn't... Am I the unreasonable one?

[mixy2000]

I've wanted a baby for the last couple years, we now own a 2 bedroom maisonette, my husband is learning to drive, he earns a good wage, my MH is better than it was a year ago after my dad passed away, to me we seem to be in a good position. He is saying he wants to pass his test (he only started lessons 2 weeks ago), he wants to get more money etc, just seems to be a few excuses all the time. He has agreed next year or 2, but I'm so worried there will be more excuses tbh.

I am 26 (almost 27) he is 28 (almost 29) we have been together 6 years, married 1.

There is also an added layer that I was diagnoses with PCOS 2 years ago, and was told it is quite severe, and I will most likely struggle to concieve (although not impossible!) but I am now undergoing a referral for a suspected diagnosis of endometriosis as well, because I can't just have one, gotta be greedy and have both lol. But this has obviously effected me as someone that has always wanted to have kids/be a mum, now my best friend is pregnant and my husbands brother girlfriend is pregnant ( a total accident they are younger, not prepared etc.) and I'm so happy for them, especially my best friend who has wanted it for so long and went through a traumatic miscarriage as well as loosing a twin in this pregnancy. But I am naturally scared of the uncertainty of not being able to have kids, and would like to try sooner than later in case it does not happen for us, and having to go through IVF which we have already agreed to only do the one round on the NHS and won't pay for it privately, we would look at adopting, and obviously that takes a while. All obviously circumstantial but the uncertainty and the potentially years long journey is starting to upset me. My husband says he understands this but still wants to wait, but I feel like he can't really understand being told at 24 you may struggle to conceive and then 2 years later having another potential diagnosis that will effect reproductive help is very hard for me.

I also was very effected by my dad dying, he died at 59 suddenly, he was not sick. My whole family has obviously been effected, and it's very cliché but it does make you think life is too short, and now I don't see the point in waiting, I want to live life now, but my husband doesn't get this. We are the most financially stable of all our friends, we have been together the longest etc, I work in a charity shop where we get tons of baby stuff, we know lots of people that have said we can use their baby stuff when we have a child etc. the financial excuse makes no sense to me? We earn the most out of all our friends. We apart from buying our house, have no purpose to 'save' or scrimp, we eloped in vegas have had no major expenses come out since buying our home, we are in such a good financial position in my mind, at least from growing up poor.

Sorry this was such a rant, I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, with my best friend being busy with her pregnancy and her fiancé is my husbands best friend so I don't want to talk about it tbh. But am I being unreasonable? Or how can I best get my feelings across to my husband? It's making me more upset everyday when I see my friends and people I know that don't even plan to have kids getting pregnant, people that are in a much worse position than us, I try so hard not to be jealous, but it's impossible and then I feel like a terrible person!!

You’re never 100% ready for a baby, it’s always gonna be scary. We started trying in 2022 and still no baby. We just had a miscarriage so at least there’s some progress. Seeing those two lines is gonna make you question if you truly are ready but that’s gonna pass soon. And you never know it might take long to get pregnant or maybe you’ll get pregnant straight away. Even with your diagnosis it’s still possible to not have trouble conceiving. I don’t have a driver’s license as driving gives me too much anxiety and I won’t have one unless it’s really necessary.

I would have the person who is most likely to be at home/curtailing work with DC driving else it will be limiting for you unless you live in the center of London I guess.

I think you should take what your husband is saying on board . He is telling you he is not quite ready to be a father and that he has a couple of things he wants to do first. Much better than just going along with your wishes , then being a disengaged parent. Being in a good position to start a family is about more than the financial side, it’s also about both potential parents feeling ready and able to give 100%.

YANBU to an extent but one thing sounds like you aren't ready as a couple and that's the fact that you say your husband earns well but you can't afford driving lessons. Isn't your money shared/family money? I think really you should be at that stage before children come along.

I could never have coped as a working mum without being able to drive. You will need a driver even more when you have a child, unless you live somewhere with impeccable travel options. I think you should both learn to drive. You might do better with a different instructor or you could learn in an automatic.

If you can't afford driving lessons then I don't think you can afford a baby. Cost out childcare for example if you plan to continue to work. It may be that you need to find a way of increasing your earnings potential too.

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond "We're now 35 and unable to conceive again and now this is the cut off point for my husband".

Are you on board with his arbitrary "cut off point"?

excuse me those who are concerned with me driving and saying if I can't afford it I can't afford a baby. WE could afford it if we wanted to, we made the decision for him to earn, I more meant if I wanted to do something of my own with my independent money, it was probably more easier to say I couldn't afford it, technically I could, but I would sacrifice something out of my budget to be able to learn, and that is not something I want to do when the driving is not important to me.
Our money is pooled together for bills, joint activities and savings to those who said we should look at our relationship first, you do not know peoples financial history, I was bought up with a family of bad money habits that went with me into adulthood, and I was very bad with money for a long time, I am obviously a lot better now, but remember what works for us might not work for you and we set aside a certain amount of money for one of us to learn to drive. I have no desire to learn to drive, we agreed it would be a waste of resources for us both to learn to drive at the same time.
If I really wanted to learn I could, my husband would have no issues with that, it would come out of my 'spending/independent' money, and that is not something I want to do. My husbands job is very flexible in terms of hours/when he takes breaks as long as he gets the work done and is working from home only.
We also live a 10 minute walk from our town centre with the drs, supermarkets etc. As well as having excellent transport links from our town via buses and trains. I did not come here to be questioned on why I can't drive or why I don't want to tbh. As said we are in a much better financial position than most we know, including our parents. We earn just shy of 100k a year between us.

increase my earnings lol, my area I work in, there is no real 'increase' in areas, and I am not trained nor have experience for anything else, any entry level job into a different field would be a drop in earnings. We could technically afford another set of driving lessons, but I DO NOT want to spend my money on driving lessons, when it is not overly beneficial for us. The likelihood is I would take a break from working for a while and not go back to work, due to my work being completely away from home and long hours as well as a very physically exhausting job.

You have no idea peoples history with finances. What works for some doesn't work for the other. All bills and expenses for house, food, dog and activities is together. But the rest is split into personal budgets.

We live very close to our town centre that has everything we need, even a soft play, but also has excellent transport links to bigger towns. We also live 2 minutes walk from a nursery and primary school

@mixy2000 I’m sorry people are so fixed on the fact you said you can’t afford driving lessons. Me and my partner have a similar financial agreement. Lessons are very expensive and I’m also not in a position to pay 2k straight out of pocket without reaching into savings. But together we’re good money wise and own a house and two cars with money leftover each month to go into personal savings and some to spend on things we don’t really need.

@mixy2000 not wanting to do driving lessons isn't the same thing as not being able to afford them. You asked a question. People are being decent enough to give advice from our personal experience.

Do you have less disposable personal money than your husband?

Are you never going to leave that area? What if you have a second child and your 2 bed becomes too small for you?

I would advise you to consider upskilling too in some way in case you ever want or need to go back to work later. You probably don't want to hear that either.

Do not compromise on having a child. It's the one thing you can't and shouldn't compromise on.

Why are people fixated on the driving thing? I'm a working mum and have been for 8 years without driving, and I'm fine.

Hmmm. If I were you I'd want to secure my house own earning potential first, unless I was with a partner with a high salary. You could be leaving yourself and your child vulnerable otherwise.

Personally I'd also absolutely want to be able to drive first.

No our disposable money is split in 2. We would not leave the town tbh, I know this is morbid, but after my dad passed away, I will be inheriting my elderly nans estate when she passes, we will use that money to buy a bigger property, sadly she is in her 90s and will not be around much longer, so we will purchase a larger property before we had a second child with the money from her estate, and I hate this but it will be a large amount of money as her property is worth a fair bit and is mortgage free now. I adore my job and will not be going into a different sector, I have dedicated my career to helping others and the community and I will continue to help others.

We own our own property and my partner is in a high earning job that just keeps earning more as well as yearly bonuses. His industry is also always hiring, we also have enough money aside that we could survive for a year if he lost his job, so we feel secure.

Notahotmess · Today 16:49

Why are people fixated on the driving thing? I'm a working mum and have been for 8 years without driving, and I'm fine.

Maybe you have access to excellent public transport. Not everyone does. My sister has been a working mum for 21 years without driving and it's been a struggle, and a total PITA for her DH having to ferry everyone around!

@mixy2000 Sounds like everything is well in hand then! You need to sit down calmly with your DH and have an in-depth discussion with him. Tell him that you feel that, because you might encounter difficulties TTC with your health conditions, you think it's important to start the process while you have plenty of time on your side.

Ask him to be honest with you about why he wants to put it off? Having passed his driving test isn't a good enough reason - there's something else IMHO. Is he afraid of the commitment involved? See if you can reach a compromise.

Hope it all works out for you x

I live in Bristol, public transport here is generally pretty dire. I use my cargo bike to get around.

I'm not able to drive due to seizures so I haven't got any choice, but I manage perfectly well and always have. My DH drives but we got rid of our car last year as we hardly used it.

I am 26 (almost 27) he is 28 (almost 29)
when you use ‘almost’ you know you're young. Like a child saying ‘and a half.’ he is not being unreasonable to want to wait. He is only 28. And in this situation, the person not want a child right now is the person who gets final say.

your medical issues, while relevant, are separate to him not wanting a child right now.

We earn just shy of 100k a year between us.

' I adore my job and will not be going into a different sector, I have dedicated my career to helping others and the community and I will continue to help others

The likelihood is I would take a break from working for a while and not go back to work, due to my work being completely away from home and long hours as well as a very physically exhausting job. '

you work in a charity shop !

and that's why YOU can't afford driving lessons.

so he is the main earner by far

lmao I was just giving context to our ages... literally 27 in 2 weeks...

Ok... yes that was said, he is the main earner? That was never in question, what exactly is your point?
I don't just 'work' in a charity shop, I am the manager AND the fundraising co-ordinator for our region, and very active in our local community.

As said above we are a married couple, we pool our finances together, both our incomes are ours every payday and the left over gets split. Driving lessons for him does not come out of his pocket, it comes out our earnings every month that we had set aside for driving lessons when we made the decision TOGETHER for him to learn to drive.