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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

just "relax"

31 replies

Optimistic66 · 04/02/2024 18:03

Honestly i'm pissed of with people saying "don't think about it", "just relax" and whilst they mean well, it's hard when you've been trying for nearly 18m.

Also even if you mention you you've done sticks - all i hear is don't do any of that - just relax and it'll happen.

rolls eyes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Optimistic66 · 04/02/2024 18:04

Optimistic66 · 04/02/2024 18:03

Honestly i'm pissed of with people saying "don't think about it", "just relax" and whilst they mean well, it's hard when you've been trying for nearly 18m.

Also even if you mention you you've done sticks - all i hear is don't do any of that - just relax and it'll happen.

rolls eyes.

Realise there is no real point to this thread but wondering if anyone else relates or am i just overly sensitive...

OP posts:
GoldenTea · 04/02/2024 18:05

Ridiculous isn't it.
Relaxing didn't do it for me but 5 rounds of IVF did. Don't think I managed to relax my way out of the endometriosis.

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2024 18:06

Sorry OP- What do you mean by you've "done sticks"?

Sweden99 · 04/02/2024 18:07

Any advice with the word "just" in it is terrible advice.
It is typically given by people who have been lucky and are oblivious to it.
Good looking and high status, then you relate to people by "just be yourself".
Plenty of wealth, then "just save up"
In a secure situation, then tell others to "just relax"
It is worthless and is smug advice.

Original poster
Optimistic66 · 04/02/2024 18:07

GoldenTea · 04/02/2024 18:05

Ridiculous isn't it.
Relaxing didn't do it for me but 5 rounds of IVF did. Don't think I managed to relax my way out of the endometriosis.

I know and I feel like people who say it can't understand how infertility feels or ttc and not getting anywhere...

is it trying to be helpful?

if anything THIS is making me stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Optimistic66 · 04/02/2024 18:08

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2024 18:06

Sorry OP- What do you mean by you've "done sticks"?

sorry ovulation sticks.

I use ovulation sticks and I don't ovulate. Lo' and behold i mention this and then i hear... "well that's it, your stressing too much, doing these sticks"

OP posts:
moosey89 · 04/02/2024 18:57

@Optimistic66 oh I hear you!! I snap back at people now, I used to not say anything but I've had enough and I'm standing up for myself now! Scientifically as well there's nothing that backs up "relaxing" as some magic cure for infertility so I sometimes say that back as well, or ask "oh can you show me the scientific journal that shows that works?" 🤣

Rosesanddaisies1 · 04/02/2024 19:00

Kindly, you don’t have to discuss your fertility with anyone unless you want to. I only ever discussed with one friend.

moosey89 · 04/02/2024 19:47

@Rosesanddaisies1 sadly when you've been trying for 7+ years and had multiple losses, it's usually other people who bring it up with me and then go on to offer unsolicited advice like "just relax" 🤷

MissEmily5 · 04/02/2024 20:01

@Optimistic66 this is the one! I always answer back with how? How do you suggest I just stop thinking about/worrying about it?
Because that’s just physically impossible- even when I try to pretend I’m not worrying about it to myself, I’m still thinking about it because I’m pretending not to worry…
only on month 7 but already heard a wealth of these and feel like I’m going to go mad if someone says anything beginning with just…

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 04/02/2024 20:14

The amount of people who told me their sister / friend/ cat had "just relaxed" and then it happened to her, I could have cried. Good for her, she's obviously relaxed her way out of infertility. It just made me feel even more shit, because not only could I not manage to get pregnant, I couldn't even manage to "relax".

TheShellBeach · 04/02/2024 21:19

I'm really sorry people are being so insensitive towards you, OP.

Crabble · 04/02/2024 21:22

Agree OP - and always said by people who have children; usually conceived without undue difficulty

HollyGolightly4 · 04/02/2024 21:24

Thanks for this thread op. Sorry it's happening to other people, but it's just so insensitive out there.

Ella31 · 05/02/2024 09:00

Optimistic66 · 04/02/2024 18:03

Honestly i'm pissed of with people saying "don't think about it", "just relax" and whilst they mean well, it's hard when you've been trying for nearly 18m.

Also even if you mention you you've done sticks - all i hear is don't do any of that - just relax and it'll happen.

rolls eyes.

My experience of this is that it comes from people who have healthy living children. I'm 12 weeks since losing my twin sons at 29 weeks and before that, I had two miscarriages. People think it's actually acceptable to tell me at least you can get pregnant. They didn't have to turn off life support though and watch their 4 day old baby pass away in their arms while their husband held his stillborn twin beside him.

MademoiselleFrenglish · 05/02/2024 10:55

You're not alone, it's the worst. I think it's just simply a sensitive topic and no matter what people say, it's gonna be shit and make you feel like shit.

HollyGolightly4 · 05/02/2024 11:20

@Ella31 💐 no words can make that ok.

TeenLifeMum · 05/02/2024 11:23

I totally get this and I definitely wasn’t relaxed trying for dd1. Anecdotally, people do seem to fall pregnant when there’s less pressure. My db and sil tried for 3 years and ended up with a referral for ivf but fell pregnant just before the appointment. There’s quite a few similar stories.

but it’s like telling someone who’s angry to calm down - really unhelpful.

moosey89 · 05/02/2024 11:48

@TeenLifeMum some of this is also because it just happens as it's been x number of months and it just so happens the right sperm met the right egg at the right time - correlation is not causation. Scientifically it takes a whole heap of cortisol (the stress hormone) to have any impact on reproduction, like a crazy amount. For the vast majority of women, the stress levels don't prevent pregnancy from happening.

turquoisedolphin · 05/02/2024 11:58

God yes I agree with this!

hopingforapeainapod · 05/02/2024 12:31

Agree with everything on this thread 100%!

To add, in my experience I swear this is so much worse when you have 'unexplained' infertility. Like if you have a diagnosis like endometriosis or low sperm count or whatever then people are less likely to tell you to 'relax' because you can't 'relax' your way out of a medical condition. But when you're 'unexplained' and everything looks normal (as is the case unfortunately / fortunately for me) then it seems to be fair game for people to tell you to just relax / go on holiday / not think about it (impossible!) which imo also implies that you are implicitly at fault somehow - that if you were just less stressed, it would have happened already - which is just a horrible thing to make someone think or feel!

moosey89 · 05/02/2024 16:21

@hopingforapeainapod yes!!! This resonates so so much. I get exactly the same feeling. I'm also a bit sick of people saying "it will happen when it's meant to" when there isn't a guarantee it will happen full stop! It is so dismissive of my feelings.

Elisabeth3468 · 05/02/2024 21:14

Omg yes! The ones I hear saying relax and it will happen are the ones who conceived within about 3 months!!
Most people are relaxed when it's the first few months trying. My friend recently got pregnant and said she was just "going with the flow" and boom she was pregnant. It's not because she relaxed, it's because she got lucky or she's quite fertile. I guarantee she wouldn't be going with the flow so much if she'd been trying 1 year plus.
After experiencing infertility first time round and now again ttc baby 2 I find the comments to relax extremely annoying and insensitive.
Ivf worked first round for me and I will tell you I was highly stressed and not well at all, I certainly wasn't relaxed and I have my beautiful son from that round.

Sierra26 · 05/02/2024 22:45

I paid £200 recently for a medical director to tell me I needed a long holiday 🙄

CaribouCarafe · 05/02/2024 22:55

Urgh yes, I felt like backhanding anyone who said this to me into space.

On a different note but similar topic, after harassing me for a few months about grandchildren I finally let my mum know that we'd been TTC for 3 years. She then asked (in front of my dad!) if we were "doing it correctly". When I retorted "well it's going into the right hole!" my dad promptly decided the discussion should move on to another topic 😂