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Original poster

Find hard to let go of frozen embryos, any advise?

46 replies

Mari0000 · 25/09/2023 13:17

Hi moms, in 2021 we did an embryo transfer with donor egg and now have a beautiful almost 2 year old. I'm 45 and my husband is 56. We are so happy with our little girl. The clinic messaged us because it's time to decide what we want to do with the 3 other embryos that are left in storage. We both think we are too old to have another baby. We are physically perfectly healthy but we are thinking about the future. Yet, it's so hard to let go; the idea that the destruction of my daughter's siblings is in our hands, and what could be if we had another, what she/he would look like. It's taunting me. Of course my husband is much more practical. Any kind advise?

OP posts:
TTCbabytwo · 25/09/2023 15:23

This sounds really tough. Are you in a position to hold on to them for a while longer to give yourself more time to process it? It may help to know that you have another year to make any final decisions? It’s a complex situation and I can imagine the mixed emotions attached 🤍

Tigger1116 · 25/09/2023 16:13

I would give it another go try for another one then you won’t have the what if and can relax good luck

HowcanIhelp123 · 25/09/2023 16:22

Sounds so difficult OP, on one hand I could see myself being unable to bring myself to destroy them, but I agree age is a big factor here, your DH would be 75 by the time a new baby turned 18. You could end up with 2 teenagers at home while your DH is getting more elderly and potentially needing care from you while you're hitting retirement age yourself.

HairyKitty · 25/09/2023 16:27

If there’s any prospect of another go or if you’re finding it hard to make the decision to let go then just pay the fees and try to forget they asked. Next time around or at some time in the future you will know it’s the right time.

nearlywinteragain · 25/09/2023 16:44

DH had this issue with his sperm, we just paid for storage until the clock totally ran out and it was an easy decision.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/09/2023 16:46

I think you're right to consider the health risks of your ages, and also the age particularly your DH would be if you did have another child. Of course it's hard to let go of what could have been. I don't think it's helpful to think you are depriving your DD of a sibling, you need to prioritise her and your own health.

wednesdayatone · 25/09/2023 16:47

In the same boat and I'm the same age. I feel too old for a pregnancy and birth and happy having one child . But somehow i cannot let go of my child's sibling/ twin

I keep thinking what if anything happens to my child! Which is ridiculous

I have tried to call the clinic recently but i was on hold for 10 mins and gave up

Now I'll procrastinate another 3 years. And spend several more hundred for storage

bubblegumpeach · 25/09/2023 17:07

In the same boat OP. We have 5 embryos from ivf in 2013 we pay for them every year but we have no intention of using them.
We are still young enough to have another but financially I don't think it would be the best decision!
But we can't bring ourselves to destroy them!

TTCbabytwo · 25/09/2023 17:45

To being a different perspective, old isn’t ‘old’ anymore if your health is strong. A 70 year old can be way more energetic and hands on than a 50 year old these days, depending on lifestyle and health.

I lost my mum suddenly when she was 52, my daughter was 9 months old at the time - she was super healthy and young and her passing was extremely sudden with no warning. My 75 year old step dad is the most hands on and energetic with my kid with no signs of slowing down. You just can’t call it in life.

I just wanted to share another perspective … but that being said, I totally understand there are many complexities to consider as ‘older’ parents.

Whatever decision you make, I’m sure it will be the right one. I do hope you get the opportunity to hold onto them a bit longer if you still have some indecision x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 18:07

Is donating them a 'thing' - I froze my eggs and I'm thinking I'll donate them if I don't use them after 10 years- with all the dna kits etc might be quite fun for my son to find out he has a half sibling and connect with them one day x

wineymummy · 25/09/2023 18:19

I was also going to suggest donating them. A donor egg was such a gift to you, can you now pay it forward to another childless couple?

Tigger1116 · 25/09/2023 18:32

Or you can donate them that would be a lovely gift

AngryAndAnxious · 25/09/2023 18:37

Would you consider donating them to another couple?
A friend has done that with her remaining embryos as she didn’t want them to be destroyed.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 25/09/2023 18:43

If you don't want to donate them to another couple would you consider donating them to research.

https://www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/donating-to-research/

Donating to research | HFEA

https://www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/donating-to-research

FannyFifer · 25/09/2023 18:54

I would try for a sibling. Your child is only 2, maybe wouldn't if they had been a teenager but with that age gap then I don't think I could resist.

mynameiscalypso · 25/09/2023 19:00

We donated ours to research. It was a surprisingly hard decision given we actively don't want another child. But having to make a decision seemed to final. For various reasons, donating them to someone else wasn't an option but research seemed like the best alternative so something comes of their existence.

vintagechristmas · 25/09/2023 19:13

Our clinic defrosted ours and we took them home so they are always with us and our children.

BananaHammock23 · 25/09/2023 20:08

If you're in a position to hold on to them for another few years, I would do that. Then you'll never be left with any regrets. In a few years time, you'll know for sure.

CaribbeanCupcake · 25/09/2023 20:11

vintagechristmas · 25/09/2023 19:13

Our clinic defrosted ours and we took them home so they are always with us and our children.

That's really interesting, how did that work? As in how do you keep them, you can't see them?

nearlywinteragain · 25/09/2023 22:58

Tigger1116 · 25/09/2023 18:32

Or you can donate them that would be a lovely gift

This is obviously just my personal view but a fancy fruit basket is a lovely gift not a potential baby.

vintagechristmas · 25/09/2023 23:32

@CaribbeanCupcake, we have a plastic tube marked with the number of embryos we had left. You’re right you can’t really see anything. When they were defrosted I presume they were put back together like that. My clinic also kept the test tubes of all of my transfers and gave them to me with this. It was an NHS clinic, I had to call and ask if this was possible as at the time I couldn’t bear to throw them away. It’s a deeply personal choice.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 26/09/2023 07:07

Such a hard decision, this one one reason we didn't do IVF as I was worried about the 'babies in the freezer' It's good to know there are options.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 26/09/2023 07:09

I know it's not really the same but when I had a miscarriage the hospital let me take the baby home (was about 10 weeks) and we buried it in a family grave. It gives me a little peace knowing it's there when I pass and being looked after by its grandparents.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 26/09/2023 18:49

AngryAndAnxious · 25/09/2023 18:37

Would you consider donating them to another couple?
A friend has done that with her remaining embryos as she didn’t want them to be destroyed.

I think they won't be able to due to their ages especially that of her husband. Think they have a cut off date.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 26/09/2023 18:54

What about donating to science? Train up a future embryologist. 🙂

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