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Conception

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Original poster

Advice needed please. No time to waste :-(

49 replies

Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 09:11

Hello,

First time poster here.

Feeling extremely anxious and upset about this so please be kind :-(

I am a single mother to two children. Quick background, my first partner was a monster, I was very young and naive when I met him. He ended up hitting me regularly and I found out that he had been in prison for GBH. It took a lot but I eventually left and have not personally seen him in 8 years. What kept me there so long, is that early on in the relationship I got pregnant whilst taking the pill.

Second partner was much the same only, he had a glitzy reputation and was extremely kind, loving and just perfect until after I got pregnant and gave birth. He showed himself as being egotistical, selfish, lazy and would regularly tell me how much better he could do. I left him 5 years ago and have never looked back.

I found out recently that at 33, my AMH is significantly low and that I would struggle to have another baby. I am absolutely devastated by this. It knocked me for 6. If it is going to happen, it must be very very soon.

I come from a very fragmented family who aren't close at all and have spent much of my life feeling very lonely, isolated and jealous of close families.

I desperately wanted 3 or 4 kids and due to the cards life has dealt me with the two men, I feel I lost out on that. They took that chance away from me by wasting my fertile years. I had NO idea that at 33 I'd be told that my fertility is that of a woman in her late 30s.

I have contemplated getting back with my recent ex, to try and give myself one last shot at completing my family. He is extremely unsupportive though so if anything went wrong, I'd be left to pick up the pieces. I am fully aware of this.

I haven't met or slept with anyone else in over 7-8 years as I've since my divorce, I've met dirtbag after dirtbag. I also don't want to be the mother who has 3 children with 3 different father's!!

Please please please consider my point of view in this, my panic, my feelings of loss regarding my egg count, how lonely I have been and how I longed for that big sibling love for my children.

I feel sad that the chance has been taken away from me due to the already unfortunate and difficult circumstances that I endured in my relationshis. It seems unfair to suffer twice. First the relationships destroyed my self esteem, now they have taken away my opportunity to have the children I always desperately longed for.

Should I give it one last shot? If I don't have a baby, atleast I'll know I tried my best?

Please be kind, I am so fragile at the moment 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Many thanks.

OP posts:
Kellyaust · 15/08/2023 09:23

Hi, I understand the desperation I really do.... But no no no no do not go back to that person you're free!!!

I would honestly use sperm donors and do at home insemination!! ❤️

nc14 · 15/08/2023 09:23

You already have two children. I wouldn’t complicate things by trying to force a third/ fourth into the situation.

Misty84 · 15/08/2023 09:27

Definitely don’t go back to a horrible man.
I was told I had very low amh at 36. Got pregnant and miscarried at 37. I’m pregnant again now at 39. Egg quality is more important. This is my first (and probably only) baby by the way- you are already a mother to 2 children. You’re very lucky.

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2023 09:28

Think practically how would you give birth who would look after the other two? Can you financially cope with a third? There is always the buy sperm option but in your position I would stick at the two

Overthebow · 15/08/2023 09:30

You’ve got two lovely children and you’re free of your ex. Don’t mess it all up by getting back with him.

Nevermay · 15/08/2023 09:32

Be careful - do you genuinely want a third baby? Or are you just grieving the loss of your fertility and being irrational?

Who says your children will get love from their next sibling anyway? They might be a thoroughly unpleasant person. Lots of people are, and they have siblings.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/08/2023 09:34

Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches life throws at you. I have suffered from unexplained secondary infertility and now have 2 kids with a large age gap due to this. I'm at the end of my fertile days and currently on mat leave just having had what I know to be last pregnancy and baby. It's tough, but I'm grateful what I have. I always wanted 5 kids and to be finished having them by 32. That didn't happen at all. But it could be worse.

Don't put yourself in a shitty situation because you may not have the outcome you're hoping for.

musicmaiden · 15/08/2023 09:34

Your existing children (and any new one) deserve stability and love and good role models in their lives – can you honestly say that this man can supply that and has done anything much at all, aside from make their mother miserable?

I'm sorry about your fertility prognosis and that you haven't met another decent man, that's so rough. But I think you know in your heart this isn't the solution. You need to try and come to an acceptance of the situation and move on with your life with the beautiful children you have. Focus on them, and you.

Lapforendo · 15/08/2023 09:35

Low AMH isn't necessarily a barrier to natural conception, it makes IVF a bit more difficult though

donkra · 15/08/2023 09:46

But you already have two DC. Another one, particularly with a shit father, isn't.going to fulfil you or make you feel less lonely. It isn't going to fill the hole inside you.

You've had a rough go of it, and I'm sorry. But you can't fix yourself with babies. You need to put the ones you already have first, and work on being OK with being as you are rather than pining for a perfect redemptive family life that isn't going to happen.

deliwoman1 · 15/08/2023 09:50

@Mazhaz I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It truly is a lot to handle. As others have said, please don't go back to that shitty man. I think you already know that's a bad idea and its just your panic talking.

As desperate as you are for another baby and a bigger family, your post also reveals a lot of pain and trauma that I don't think another baby will 'solve.' If I were you, I'd try to speak with a therapist who can help you work through what you've experienced, as well as the news about your fertility. Even if you decide to pursue having another baby, it's probably a good idea for you to talk to a professional who can help you get to the bottom of why, and help you into the best place possible for making huge life decisions.

You already have two children. I would really think hard about how to be the best, most stable and happy mum for them, which you know doesn't include bringing shitty men back into their lives. They need you. It's totally possible to reframe your ideas about family to see that what you have NOW is incredible. Focus on the three of you being a close, loving, warm place now. I think that's where real happiness lies.

Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 09:52

Firstly, thank you sincerely for all of your responses. I really appreciate it.

Secondly, my desire to give it another go is not for me at all it's for my children. I wanted more for them than what I had, a big close family and a support network. I am completely content but I am surrounded by big families and feel a little sad that they don't have that. Even in the form of cousins.

Life throws so much at people and often the only stable thing they have is their family. It makes me sad to think that these men who already robbed me us soooooo much, have also taken this!!! It angers me to be honest 😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 09:53

Misty84 · 15/08/2023 09:27

Definitely don’t go back to a horrible man.
I was told I had very low amh at 36. Got pregnant and miscarried at 37. I’m pregnant again now at 39. Egg quality is more important. This is my first (and probably only) baby by the way- you are already a mother to 2 children. You’re very lucky.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I really wish you the best of luck honestly ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Pollywoddles · 15/08/2023 09:54

Lapforendo · 15/08/2023 09:35

Low AMH isn't necessarily a barrier to natural conception, it makes IVF a bit more difficult though

Exactly this. Please do not go back to an abusive ex just to have another child.

Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 10:01

@Kellyaust thank you!

@deliwoman1 Thank you for your message. I actually have had over a year's worth of therapy with a clinical psychologist so have definitely done my best to work through things. It may seem like I have a lot of healing to do but I guess that came across because I've just had this news and I'm connecting the dots so to speak. On a day to day however, they aren't people that I think about anymore at all.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 15/08/2023 10:03

Very gently, you have a family. Let it go and concentrate on enjoying what you do have. And keep away from your ex, that will only complicate matters

Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 10:05

@Pollywoddles I totally understand however,I really can't thathom being the mum with 3 kids with 3 different father's, but at the same time, I can't get my head around not having another baby because of him either. I was the very best wife I could be, I don't deserve for that chance to be taken away from me because of this man.

OP posts:
Bigcushion · 15/08/2023 10:11

"Due to the cards life has dealt me with the two men, I feel I lost out on that. They took that chance away from me by wasting my fertile years."

The 'cards life dealt' you were choices you made. Take some control and responsibility for yourself op.

You are a single mum and already have two children. You're writing like you're 45, childless and desperate for just one.

Be happy with your lot.

Bigcushion · 15/08/2023 10:14

'my desire to give it another go is not for me at all it's for my children.'

Youre not serious - you think having a shitty man for a father is desirable? You want this man to have more children?

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 10:20

What have I just read?! Is this a genuine post? As someone in a similar position - It’s shit, why on Earth would you bring more children into this?

Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 10:22

Bigcushion · 15/08/2023 10:11

"Due to the cards life has dealt me with the two men, I feel I lost out on that. They took that chance away from me by wasting my fertile years."

The 'cards life dealt' you were choices you made. Take some control and responsibility for yourself op.

You are a single mum and already have two children. You're writing like you're 45, childless and desperate for just one.

Be happy with your lot.

How were they choices I made? I left didn't I? How fucking you. Do you have any idea how much it takes to leave TWO abusive men? Especially when you come from a community where divorce is COMPLETELY Taboo.

Read the post properly and don't be such a mean-spirited person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 10:25

Bigcushion · 15/08/2023 10:14

'my desire to give it another go is not for me at all it's for my children.'

Youre not serious - you think having a shitty man for a father is desirable? You want this man to have more children?

I clearly said I was fragile, and asked for kindness. If you had nothing nice to say then you should have said nothing at all. What do you get out of being spiteful?

I am actually becoming distressed by the insinuation that being abused was my fault! So please stop responding as I am unable to delete the thread so that I don't have to read such a nasty post.

I am supposed to take responsibility for being abused???

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 10:26

Bigcushion · 15/08/2023 10:11

"Due to the cards life has dealt me with the two men, I feel I lost out on that. They took that chance away from me by wasting my fertile years."

The 'cards life dealt' you were choices you made. Take some control and responsibility for yourself op.

You are a single mum and already have two children. You're writing like you're 45, childless and desperate for just one.

Be happy with your lot.

What choices did I MAKE?? Other than to leave????? And I said clearly that my ex changed AFTER I gave birth. People have nothing much amazing things to say about him in the community.

OP posts:
Pollywoddles · 15/08/2023 10:30

Mazhaz · 15/08/2023 10:05

@Pollywoddles I totally understand however,I really can't thathom being the mum with 3 kids with 3 different father's, but at the same time, I can't get my head around not having another baby because of him either. I was the very best wife I could be, I don't deserve for that chance to be taken away from me because of this man.

I understand that but going on what you’ve said about your ex, 3 babies by 3 men if the third man is a good guy who will stand with you and all your children is of course the better option than subjecting yourself and your kids to a bad situation. Surely as a mother you can see that.

Ultimately this isn’t about you and your desires, it’s about what us best for your family going forward and if you don’t want a third father in the mix, which I think is probably wise, then you give your existing kids the very best life you can. I would suggest counselling to deal with your feelings of loss and anger.

Bigcushion · 15/08/2023 10:31

Obviously I'm not saying you are to blame for any abuse. You did however after already having a child with one man choose to get into another relationship with another man and then choose to have another child. Well done for leaving those relationships.

But now you're saying you might go back just to have another baby? You sound insane.

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