Advice needed please. No time to waste :-(

[Mazhaz]

Hello,

First time poster here.

Feeling extremely anxious and upset about this so please be kind :-(

I am a single mother to two children. Quick background, my first partner was a monster, I was very young and naive when I met him. He ended up hitting me regularly and I found out that he had been in prison for GBH. It took a lot but I eventually left and have not personally seen him in 8 years. What kept me there so long, is that early on in the relationship I got pregnant whilst taking the pill.

Second partner was much the same only, he had a glitzy reputation and was extremely kind, loving and just perfect until after I got pregnant and gave birth. He showed himself as being egotistical, selfish, lazy and would regularly tell me how much better he could do. I left him 5 years ago and have never looked back.

I found out recently that at 33, my AMH is significantly low and that I would struggle to have another baby. I am absolutely devastated by this. It knocked me for 6. If it is going to happen, it must be very very soon.

I come from a very fragmented family who aren't close at all and have spent much of my life feeling very lonely, isolated and jealous of close families.

I desperately wanted 3 or 4 kids and due to the cards life has dealt me with the two men, I feel I lost out on that. They took that chance away from me by wasting my fertile years. I had NO idea that at 33 I'd be told that my fertility is that of a woman in her late 30s.

I have contemplated getting back with my recent ex, to try and give myself one last shot at completing my family. He is extremely unsupportive though so if anything went wrong, I'd be left to pick up the pieces. I am fully aware of this.

I haven't met or slept with anyone else in over 7-8 years as I've since my divorce, I've met dirtbag after dirtbag. I also don't want to be the mother who has 3 children with 3 different father's!!

Please please please consider my point of view in this, my panic, my feelings of loss regarding my egg count, how lonely I have been and how I longed for that big sibling love for my children.

I feel sad that the chance has been taken away from me due to the already unfortunate and difficult circumstances that I endured in my relationshis. It seems unfair to suffer twice. First the relationships destroyed my self esteem, now they have taken away my opportunity to have the children I always desperately longed for.

Should I give it one last shot? If I don't have a baby, atleast I'll know I tried my best?

Please be kind, I am so fragile at the moment 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Many thanks.

Quite. Obviously I would never troll hunt but no one can really think like this can they?

But none of this is about me I've made that clear from the outset.

And I've been single 5 years, this man hasn't arrived unfortunately despite my dating. I am on a tight clock. I have a year at best to try so waiting isn't an option for me unfortunately.

And I never said I'm not giving my kids the best life I can. I'm doing my absolute best

'But none of this is about me'.
This is absolutely one hundred percent about you op.

Just to be clear, you would tie yourself and your child/ children to a man you know is a terrible person for the whole of their childhood, so you can get to have what you want?
I'm sorry this sounds blunt but it is not about you.
Choose a better way for all of you.

Secondly, my desire to give it another go is not for me at all it's for my children

Huh?🤔 You said you always wanted 3 or 4 children and now you're saying you want another baby for your existing children?

Enjoy the 2 kids you have, give them a good life, there's no need to have another baby and dress it up as 'for the kids'.

Yes I wanted 3 or 4 kids, because I wanted my children to have eachother. I made that clear from the beginning. I never would have set out to have 1 or 2 children because I know how lonely that often is.

Now they have no relationship with their fathers family, he's in and out, no proper cousin network, my family isn't close and just generally, we are alone a lot as we live in a remote area of the UK. On my life there is not one part of this that is about me.
It breaks my heart to think that when I'm no longer here, they won't have much of a family support system. The world is a cruel place, you ladies have proven that one for sure.

I am now in complete
tears feeling like a shit person and like being abused was my fault. I am already hurting that I will go into an early menopause. My 30s were my chance at life and finding out I have low AMH at 33 broke me. Coming from a background where everyone has 4 or 5 kids as standard and very large very close families and knowing that my children will never have that breaks me.

Thank you. I will not be posting again.

Take care.

How is having two children lonely? I could slightly get your point if you only had one? More siblings isn't a guarantee of a close relationship either. I don't much get on with either of mine

Thank you so much @Mazhaz 🤞🤞🤞

As a pp said, low amh is much more an indication that ivf wouldn’t work (as ivf success rate often correlates to producing a good number of eggs during stims). With natural ovulation you are releasing one egg a month, they cannot say for sure when that will stop. My amh level was in the very low/undetectable range THREE years ago, and as you can see I’ve still managed to get pregnant. Im sure more people than we realise have low amh, but conceive naturally and never get tested, so never know.
I hope you meet a lovely partner and that would be a great outcome for you, but if not take comfort that your children have each other as siblings, and friends can become just as close as family (often closer!) as they grow up. I don’t think they will be lonely!
Life isn’t fair, it never has been and it never will be. The sooner we accept that the easier it is to feel gratitude for what we’ve managed to achieve. ❤️

@Mazhaz More siblings doesn't guarantee a close family relationship as adults. I have three siblings and while we all mostly get on, I'd say I'm only close to one and they live in a different country. I've had more success as a adult finding close relationships with friends and my partner. They're my support system.

Thank you so much, you're lovely😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Your point about most people never getting tested is so true! I'm not sure if knowing has been better or worse to be honest.

I honestly wish you the very best with your pregnancy xxx

Sorry, just to be clear, were you 33 or 36 when your AMH was almost undetectable? X

But none of this is about me I've made that clear from the outset.

Oh, come on. All of this is about you. You want another baby for you. Not for your children. That's obvious to all of us.

Another baby won't give you or your children that big stable close-knit family. It'll just make everything harder, even if you do it alone. It'll make everything a million times worse if you get back with an abusive shitbag to do it.

Sorry, just to be clear, were you 33 or 36 when your AMH was almost undetectable? X

Exactly. Have some ownership of your life. You have 2 children, a lot of people can only dream of that. How on earth is having another baby with an abusive ex going to make your life any better. I’d honestly seek some counselling to come to terms with your family - referring to needing to ‘complete’ your family is borderline cruel to your existing children.

Also - I’m one of 3 and we barely see each as adults. I think you have a very idealised view of large families

This is true, I just think it's different for us. This generation is so social media hungry that people don't often form the deep bonds that they used to. So many relationships are now superficial and about numbers. The sense of community is diminishing.

I got it tested at 36 so that’s the first time I knew. If it was undetectable then god knows what it is now 🙈 Had 2 failed ivf rounds but natural conception has happened at age 37 (miscarried at 10 weeks) and now at age 39. So I’m a lot older than you which means your eggs will be better quality!🙂

I'm not going to beat about the Buddha fb give you encouraging kind words. I actually think you're really stupid, and it's incredibly selfish, to consider having another baby with an abusive man, just because you desire another child. That is no way to bring a child into the world. How do you think your other children would feel to know they weren't enough for you? That you'd rather put yourself, and them, through the trauma of another relationship with this horrible man just for another baby? Your current children should be what you concentrate on now. You are lucky to have two lovely children already, love and nurture them.

My situation is entirely different with infertility and miscarriage but I think there has to be some grieving when your family size isn't decided by choice but by circumstances. I've not been able yet to go on long acting contraception and throw away all the baby paraphernalia but I'm feeling more comfortable that my family is complete. I'm not sure I'll ever get over wanting a last baby but in reality I can't put myself or my family through that again, I need to be there for the two amazing children I do have.

It would be a dreadful idea to get your uninvolved abusive ex to father a 3rd child for you. My best friend growing up was born to divorced parents where the mother wanted another baby. She holds a lot of resentment towards her mother and her absent father who at 18 had to sign a form for her and had to ask her what her middle name was. Don't do that to your children.

Thanks for your response. No idea where I'll end up with mine in 3 years.

I honestly wish I had met a good guy. I really really tried. I was celibate and very careful but it never happened for me and lots of women. I don't think it's a secret that it's tough finding an honest, loyal and hardworking man. It's a real shame tbh.

Buddah - should say 'beat about the bush'

It is hard. I was single for many years and didn’t meet my good guy until I was mid thirties, hence I couldn’t have tried for a family earlier even if I’d wanted to! ☹️ I always wanted 3 children. I gave up that dream long ago, I’ll be lucky just to have 1 now. 🙏

Having siblings is no guarantee they will be close. This place is full of people who don't get on with their siblings. They're more likely to resent a younger sibling if it takes up their only real parent's time and attention and brings an abusive man back into their lives.

How about focusing on building a sense of community for the 2 children you already have? Help them learn how to form and sustain functional relationships. Participate in team and solo activities, get to know other children thier own age, socialise with other families (look groups for single parents, I see lots going on trips together and the kids are a mixed bunch that play together).

And look at what you can do for yourself to build a sense of self-esteem that doesn't rely on having more babies.

I wouldn't if I were you.
It probably take months or years and you could even end up with a disabled child which would effect the children you have.
You will get over this broody stage I promise