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Conception

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Original poster

Can failure to conceive or early menopause lead to nervous breakdown?

40 replies

falstaff1980 · 22/06/2023 17:43

I'm worried about my sister, she is early 50s and she and her partner of 30 years have no children. My father fell ill last xmas and it's not looking like he'll be with us much longer. For the first few months of my father's illness my sister was frequently coming up (60 miles) to stay and help my parents at weekends (I live in same town as my parents so go and check on them every day), but suddenly last month she stopped coming, and stopped initiating any communication with me or my parents. When we phone her, she seems normal talking about general stuff, but when you ask her what's the matter she just goes quiet, seeming to freeze up. Before it got this bad she did mention she was struggling with stress.

I've been in communication with her partner who sounds like he's doing his best to help her but he won't tell me what the problem is because my sister doesn't want him to, but he has been pushing her to tell me. I'm going down to visit soon, at her partner's invite, but against my sister's wishes, in the hope my visit can achieve something.

I know it's not some horrible illness diagnosis because my sister was able to tell me it wasn't that. My suspicion is it might be a crisis because she feels she's missed her fertility window, and now if she loses her parents and partner then what's left? We've never been that close, she left home for uni when I was 14 and never came back to live at my parents, though we always see each other several times a year at xmas, easter, summer weekends etc. I have four children three grown-up from a first marriage, and a toddler (by IVF).

Can something like this be this all-consuming?

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 22/06/2023 17:47

Yes. Anything or combination of things could cause a breakdown.

I suggest stop trying to get her to tell you what's wrong, and focus on encouraging her to get some help. If it's what you suspect then - if she can afford to go private then it would be a good idea to get a GP referral ideally, if not directly to a counsellor or therapist for some talking therapy.

However, you've made a big assumption it could be something totally different.

catsnhats11 · 22/06/2023 17:53

As someone without children (and never likely to) that's a rather depressing read, why do you assume it's that, it couldn't be anything unless this is something you've specifically spoken about before and you know bothers her to the extent it might cause a breakdown.

I think you should focus on letting her tell you what and when she's ready, and help her get support rather than assume it's something quite specific like because she's missed her chance to have children.

Original poster

falstaff1980 · 22/06/2023 18:49

Yep, it’s a big assumption, I’m asking more to understand if it’s a credible possibility, or if there’s no chance not having kids could cause anyone a nervous breakdown at any point in their life. Alternatives could be some terminal illness diagnosis but I asked her this and she said it wasn’t.

OP posts:

catsnhats11 · 22/06/2023 19:27

I think anything could trigger it and if wanting children was a big issue for her then yes I guess it could, but there's not much point in making assumptions really as it could be anything. Perhaps whatever it is she'd rather tell you in person or maybe she wants to work through it herself. If she's generally talking to you normally etc I wouldn't call that a nervous breakdown maybe more just doing through a difficult time or treatment for an illness.

tinydancer88 · 22/06/2023 19:30

Do you know if your sister actually wanted to have children? It’s a big old leap to assume that’s why she might be struggling. I know you’re probably just trying to think of all the possibilities because you’re worried but as a child free woman I’d be more than a bit offended that someone assumed I was having a mental health crisis because I hadn’t had a baby.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/06/2023 19:41

Perhaps that stress is connected to having a bullying DH and a DS who trample all over her boundaries and who insist she tells them what's wrong when she doesn't want to and visit when they're not welcome.

glasspaw · 23/06/2023 06:48

Speaking as someone who has experienced a breakdown, it is really unhelpful when people try and guess or empathise with a situation like this.

be there if she wants to talk, but that’s her call. You need to be comfortable with her not sharing the details because they are hers and hers alone. As others have said, it could be ANYTHING. Making assumptions just to fill knowledge gaps won’t help her or you.

perhaps you could message her saying something like “I’m not going to pry, but I’ve noticed you’ve seemed out of sorts lately. I just want you to know that I’m here if you need me.” That’s all she needs from you right now, the knowledge that you are open to hearing more, but not demanding it (because that is crossing a boundary).

BudgetBuster · 23/06/2023 09:56

I really think you are in the wrong forum here.

Maybe your sister is stressed and needs to deal with it her own way, maybe she is grieving for the potential loss of your parents, maybe she just wants people to stop interfering in her life.

You have made a huge leap in diagnosing someone with a nervous breakdown, and now against her wishes you and her DH are ganging up on her?

Whadda · 23/06/2023 09:58

You’ll need physiotherapy if you continue with such mental gymnastics.

Your poor sister, it sounds like she has a lot on her plate worrying about a sick parent.

You latching on to her partner speculating as to what’s wrong with her is nasty and unhelpful.

titchy · 23/06/2023 09:59

Any number of things could precipitate a breakdown - family illness, infertility, work, money, relationships, menopause, assault.

Why would you automatically assume her menopause and childlessness is the cause?

If she doesn't want to tell you, have some respect for that. You said yourself you're not close. Don't be such a bully.

ejbaxa · 23/06/2023 10:03

I would not assume it's childlessness - it could be of course, but to have that dawn on you at age 50+ would be unusual. Most woman are acutely aware of this kind of situation from 30 or earlier.

That said, menopause can be a fucking evil bastard at whatever age it strikes. Again, 50 ish isn't early for that but it could be fucking her up in all sorts of ways, mentally and physically.

Hbh17 · 23/06/2023 10:06

There really is no such thing as "a nervous breakdown", for a start. Your sister may be stressed, but there's no reason to think it's because she's childfree - and, at her age, she presumably accepts that that ship sailed a long time ago.

Please don't go and visit if she doesn't want you to! By all means be available in case she needs help, but she is perfectly within her rights to want to preserve her own privacy. If she has difficulties, she needs to deal with them in whatever way is best for her, without interference from others.

NeverThatSerious · 23/06/2023 10:08

I'm going down to visit soon, at her partner's invite, but against my sister's wishes, in the hope my visit can achieve something.
Sorry but what are you thinking?! Nothing like your sister and your partner conspiring against you and coming into your home uninvited to encourage open communication about her problems eh…

LadyJ2023 · 23/06/2023 10:11

I would have been down to see my sister by now out of love and concern

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 23/06/2023 10:18

Nervous breakdown is very old fashioned phrasing. Maybe she is suffering from a mental health problem. Maybe not.

Stop trying to force her to tell you about it. Whatever it is, she has the support of her husband, who quite rightly is saying it's her choice whether to tell you or not. But wrongly arranging for you to visit against her wishes.

Leaping to menopause/lack of children/existential dread is pointless.

The only actual problem is that she's stopped visiting your parents. There could be lots of reasons behind that, that aren't anything to do with mental health as such, but I do understand why you want to understand why. Instead of assuming she is unwell and asking her what's wrong, have you asked her nicely when she'll be coming back up to your parents?

datesllu23 · 23/06/2023 10:19

Why are you assuming it's anything to do with not having children? Did she ever indicate that she was upset to not have children?

I'm very very happy with my choice to not have children!

Could it be that helping to care for her elderly parents and seeing their decline was too much for her and she decided to step back a bit?

Dorrmouse · 23/06/2023 10:30

Don't assume. As someone without my own kids but who also had a breakdown in my early fifties after years of being "the strong one" I'd also be annoyed if you put what I went through down to not having kids. Anything can trigger a breakdown.

Lots of other posters already giving you good advice about making sure your sister knows you're there for her. My family paid lip service to that but ultimately it was my friends and now partner, the NHS and myself who got me through it and the whole experience made me understand my position in my family like never before.

Original poster

falstaff1980 · 23/06/2023 10:55

Thanks everyone, this is helpful, and btw I'm her brother. It's difficult for me to know what the right or wrong thing to do here is, and neither of my parents are in any condition to help now that old age has really hit them. Unfortunately we're one of those families where problems are never discussed, everything is expected to be perfect, and everyone keeps themselves together at all times. My sister has never come to either me or my parents (or anyone else afaik) with a problem her whole adult life, the troublesome child that makes life mistakes has always been me.

I've seen on TV shows that more open families than mine do things called 'interventions', which is kind of what I had mind for my visit. I know it's usually terrible idea to attempt to imitate anything you see on TV though, and given the responses, if I do go visit I won't broach the subject other than tell my sister I'm always available if she's able to talk about it, and suggest there'd be no harm in her getting professional counselling and/or psychiatric treatment (she should be able to afford it).

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 23/06/2023 11:26

Psychiatric treatment? Please do not suggest this to your sister. You have no idea if there's even anything wrong with her and even after reading so many responses above you still want to intervene.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 23/06/2023 11:47

God, don't suggest that.

Just have a nice visit, tell her you love her and leave it alone.

Whadda · 23/06/2023 12:27

This can’t be real, surely?

Original poster

falstaff1980 · 23/06/2023 12:35

I don't know, I think sometimes we obsess so much about respecting people's privacy and boundaries that we fail to act when it's needed, or we use this as an excuse not to act. Not going to see my sister, or going and not broaching the subject and pretending everything is ok doesn't feel right to me, feels like abandoning her.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 23/06/2023 13:49

So you think bullying your sister, who you have never been close to, into psychiatric treatment is the right thing to do?

No idea what advice you came here for if you are going to dispute what every single person has said.

Whadda · 23/06/2023 13:50

If this is what your sister has lived with her whole life in terms of sibling relationships and interaction, I could see why she’d decide to not have children.

Original poster

falstaff1980 · 23/06/2023 17:12

"So you think bullying your sister, who you have never been close to, into psychiatric treatment is the right thing to do?" of course I don't think that, but a lot of the advice here seems to be just to tell her "I'm here for you" and then doing nothing more and waiting for her to call. There's got to be something more proactive that can be done?

OP posts:

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