Can failure to conceive or early menopause lead to nervous breakdown?

[falstaff1980]

I'm worried about my sister, she is early 50s and she and her partner of 30 years have no children. My father fell ill last xmas and it's not looking like he'll be with us much longer. For the first few months of my father's illness my sister was frequently coming up (60 miles) to stay and help my parents at weekends (I live in same town as my parents so go and check on them every day), but suddenly last month she stopped coming, and stopped initiating any communication with me or my parents. When we phone her, she seems normal talking about general stuff, but when you ask her what's the matter she just goes quiet, seeming to freeze up. Before it got this bad she did mention she was struggling with stress.

I've been in communication with her partner who sounds like he's doing his best to help her but he won't tell me what the problem is because my sister doesn't want him to, but he has been pushing her to tell me. I'm going down to visit soon, at her partner's invite, but against my sister's wishes, in the hope my visit can achieve something.

I know it's not some horrible illness diagnosis because my sister was able to tell me it wasn't that. My suspicion is it might be a crisis because she feels she's missed her fertility window, and now if she loses her parents and partner then what's left? We've never been that close, she left home for uni when I was 14 and never came back to live at my parents, though we always see each other several times a year at xmas, easter, summer weekends etc. I have four children three grown-up from a first marriage, and a toddler (by IVF).

Can something like this be this all-consuming?

I understand. This all feels very difficult, if you are from a family that is not prone to open discussion.

I would suggest trying to say something very small, and see what comes back. Don't go in all guns blazing.

As for what can precipitate a breakdown, it could be anything or a combination of things.

I disagree with people calling you a bully - you have not yet done anything at all and are trying to think things through. But if you are not close, you do have to be cautious.

I think she might be going through several things that she doesn't want to talk with you about. respect that and you might retain a relationship with her.

For the first few months of my father's illness my sister was frequently coming up (60 miles) to stay and help my parents at weekends (I live in same town as my parents so go and check on them every day), but suddenly last month she stopped coming, and stopped initiating any communication with me or my parents.

Are your parents difficult people?

You nor her husband have even established if there's actually anything wrong with her.

You are quite literally diagnosing her with various mental health issues with no background. What you have suggested in your comments this far is that she is stressed, and dealing with it internally, that's not necessarily wrong if it's what works for her. Unless there's something huge you haven't outlined in your previous comments, then I think you are way out of line.

Okay now I know you're a brother / man (and maybe a bit older..?) your posts make more sense (no offence)

I think you have good intentions but may be going about it in the wrong way, understandable for a family who are not close and open. For the love of god do not do an "intervention"! She is not on her own, thankfully, so if she is really that bad her husband can help her seek urgent support though her GP/ NHS. Id advise to tread carefully but caringly, keep channels of communication open, and if you visit please don't just turn up let her know first. And don't jump to conclusions about what the "problem" might be.

he won't tell me what the problem is because my sister doesn't want him to, but he has been pushing her to tell me. I'm going down to visit soon, at her partner's invite, but against my sister's wishes

The above is from your OP.

If you turned up at my house, against my wishes, when I'd said I did not want to discuss it with you, the door would be closed in your face.

She doesn't want to talk about whatever is going on. Leave her alone.

There may be absolutely nothing wrong with your sister - stop interfering & pathologising this. Your approach, OP, is heavy-handed. Seriously, if a family member of mine insisted on coming to visit me when I'd asked them not to then I'd be beyond angry and it might just destroy our relationship for good.
Please, OP, listen to what everyone else is saying and just leave your sister alone - it's not up to you to do anything.

There's got to be something more proactive that can be done?

Leave her alone, FGS. She obviously doesn't want you to know what's wrong.

You don't even know she's unwell, fgs.

She may just be pissed off with one or all of you.

She may be dealing with a shitty situation at work

Maybe she has a physical health issue.

Maybe she was the victim of a crime and dealing with that.

All you know is she's happy to have a normal conversation but doesn't want to discuss her problem with you. And she's withdrawn a bit from you all.

She has her husband and presumably friends for support if she needs it. She doesn't see you in that way.

It's nice that you care, of course, but she is allowed to have some boundaries around whatever it is.

I've had tough times, problems, health issues. I've not discussed them with my siblings as we don't have that sort of relationship.

I know you want to help your sister, but please don't spring a visit on her.

Just tell her, that you're there for her and when and if she's ready to talk you're there.

I had a "nervous breakdown" for want of a better word (because I know it doesn't really exist) and a surprise visit from any of my brothers whilst I was in the thick of it would have stressed me out further.

Thanks all for the ongoing advice, I’m thinking even if get there and she doesn’t want to see me and so I go home, the act of me taking 3 hours out of my Saturday and away from my wife and kids , and parents, just to see her has got to be worth something more than me sending her a text saying ‘hope you’re doing well, I’m here if you need to talk’.

Right, so this is to make YOU feel better, not her; because you'll have been a caring self-sacrificing brother who gave up his Saturday with his family for a sister who's being unappreciative of your efforts.

You have no idea if she wants to see you, so I'll repeat what I said. Leave her alone. What's actually wrong with sending her a text along those lines? she can respond or not in her own good time. Going to see her is just forcing her to respond to you when she's already shown that she doesn't want to.

I really hate to say it, but that is such a bloke thing to think. Like if a gesture is big enough it outweighs the recipient's requests and feelings. It doesn't. It says 'look at me I'm so amazing making this big gesture. Yeah I know you didn't want such a gesture but I did it anyway aren't you delighted!'

And again, I hate to say it, but a woman with stress in her life, very I'll parents, and the bloke immediately thinks her withdrawal is due to 'women's issues'!

Dude. Phone her, tell her you wish you and she were closer. Ask how you can help with the parent burden. Ask what she wants from you. But don't push her. Don't visit if she has specifically said not to.

Show her you recognise and respect her feelings.

I really hate to say it, but that is such a bloke thing to think. Like if a gesture is big enough it outweighs the recipient's requests and feelings. It doesn't. It says 'look at me I'm so amazing making this big gesture. Yeah I know you didn't want such a gesture but I did it anyway aren't you delighted!'

'Yeah, I know you said no but I know you didn't mean it.' I hope she slams the door on him, otherwise she's probably going to be interrogated about her 'nervous breakdown' and why she didn't have children.

'Yeah I know you said you didn't want to go out with me but look I bought you a car'.... Not a good look.