Coming to terms with just having one child

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I have a 4 year old DD who is in Reception. I have been trying for a second child for almost a year with no luck. I found getting pregnant with DD very easy and it happened straight away so this has been a shock. We are mid way through tests, nothing flagged up yet.

I know a year isn't long in the grand scheme of things and it could well still happen, but it has been a tough experience and I am starting to try and come to terms with the idea that I might only have one child. I wondered if there is anyone else out there who has had to come to terms with this as well? It would be nice to chat.

I was an only child myself and had a wonderful childhood, but it was different as it was just me & my Mum for most of it and we formed a very close bond. Whereas the thought of both parents and an only child is harder for me to get my head round, it is almost like the child is out numbered by adults?

One of the people I admire most is an only child with two parents - so 'outnumbered' if you like but is now an adult and all her life has been very confident and popular as well as being a nice. decent person. Hope this helps.

I'm an only child with an only child. I understand what you're saying completely.

I swore I would never have an only child as I was so lonely but life being what it is, here we are.

Your child won't be outnumbered if you treat them well and spend quality time together. I was kind of left to it while my parents enjoyed life together with holidays etc. just don't do that and your child will be happy.

In my limited experience, quite a few of my friends have experienced this - one child came along easily but then unexplained infertility.
One family are now at the point of their baby being an independent young woman and they've had a lovely experience of being a small family. Very loving and supportive - one child is also very portable, so they've travelled a lot.
I have an only but also step children, so DD has also experienced being part of a bigger family some of the time.
There's lots of good things about having one child. I would have liked another when DD was small but now she's a teen I actually really appreciate how close we are as a little nuclear family. It's more affordable and better for the environment too!

We only have one due to secondary infertility/miscarriage. DD is nearly 18 now, and I think she has had a wonderful, happy childhood. It wasn't what we planned, but honestly, I am so grateful for it now. There are so many advantages to only having one - we have more time and energy for dd. More resources. I have been able to retain my career and identity. I have not had to play referee between squabbling children. And we have an incredibly close bond. I don't think dd has ever felt "outnumbered". I do think that we have less of an us & them atmosphere at home than many families where there are multiple children.

None of the stereotypes about only children are recognisable in dd. She is privileged but she knows it and she has never acted spoilt in the slightest - quite the contrary, actually. She has fantastic social skills and a real talent for making friends, so I never worry about her being alone in the future. She is wonderfully generous. And she interacts with adults as if they are human beings rather than a different species, as some children do!

Honestly, if I had my time again, I would actually plan it this way. I could never have imagined feeling like this when I was still focused on having another child, but our family is complete, our dd is thriving and I'm genuinely happy with how things worked out. Whatever happens, I hope things work out for you too.

I often wonder if raising a child as an 'only' (I wish we could find a better word than that!) is the optimal way.

All the adults I know who are onlies (in the fullest sense of the word, so no blended families, step or half siblings etc) are lovely, secure, well adjusted people. I worked with one young woman who was totally unflappable in a professional setting, not one single whiff of imposter syndrome - when another colleague asked about the origins of her self belief (and it was self belief, not arrogance) she said she thought it was probably because of having her parents undivided support and that they had instilled in her an unshakable sense that whatever happened, whether she failed or succeeded, she was fundamentally 'alright'

I'm an only child and I have an only child. Before we had kids I had always dreamt of 2-3 children but it quickly became apparent that my body did not do pregnancy well so we knew before DD was even born that there was no way we could do it again.

The way I dealt with it was to work out all the positives of only having one child, both from my experiences as a child and from our perspective as adults. I also did the opposite and told myself all the negatives of having a second. I then reminded myself of both lists whenever I felt like I was getting upset at not having any more.

DD is now 4 and I am pretty certain one child is perfect for us. I still get pangs when friends have newborns (we've had a few recently and at least one more due later in the year) and I suspect that won't ever go away completely but ultimately I'm happy with where we are as a family.

It's hard when the decision is taken out of your hands.

I know a fair number of friends with a single child, for a number of reasons. The kids have a great life and the absence of siblings usually gets sorted by close friendships, extra playdates or (in one case) a cousin moving in next door.

We are a one child only family. We decided early on we would only have a 2nd child if we could afford a house with three bedrooms so each child could have their own room. Feel quite strongly about children not sharing a small roon as they grow older. He is 10 now and has a better social life than us with his cricket and football clubs and being invited to birthday parties most weekends so not overly concerned about him being a only child.

I think the first step is to change how you speak about it. Saying "just having one child" makes it sound like it is not good enough or perfect. You have a child, you are a mother, your child has parents, it's a family.

My kids have quite a lot of friends in your child's situation and they are honestly the happiest, calmest most stable friends they have. They are utterly lovely and so nice to be around and they really don't seem to miss having siblings at all. I don't know any that fit that stereotype of being lonely, weird or sad. Just encourage friendships, listen to her and have fun with her and she will be absolutely fine.

We’re one and done, as I see it there are loads of advantages in terms of time, money, physical load, mental load, opportunities for our DD etc. Life can be a juggle even with one child and two full time working parents, we just about make it work whilst still getting lots of time with DD plus time for ourselves and as a couple, with two it would just be stressful all the time.

We're one and done. I found the baby stage really hard and it took me a while to realise why, by which point our "window" had passed by (we didn't want an age gap of more than 3 years)

DD is now 6. Sometimes she'd probably enjoy a sibling to play with but that's a very idealised view, they're not there just to provide playmates, they may not even get on! I'm pretty happy with our decision, I'm an only, it never bothered me and I've appreciated it more as I've grown up. School have been VERY critical of our decision but it's not really their business. If we'd had two she wouldn't even be at that school anyway!

I think focus on your current healthy child, it’s not fair if you’re distracted with possible future children. Lots of people would love even one

What on earth has the school said about you only having one child? And how is that even remotely any of their business?!

I’m currently pregnant with my first after being told I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant naturally (I’m only in my mid-20s). I did! However, pregnancy has been so difficult so far and I’m coming to the end of my second trimester. I suffered really bad morning sickness in my first trimester. I now have pelvic pain and fatigue. I’m considering being one and done but I always wanted two dc. I don’t know anyone who is an only child.

Almost all the only children I've ever known (now adults) seem to have incredible confidence and belief in themselves.

In contrast, my sister (who I'm actually really close to) has had serious issues all her life because of her perception of our mum favouring me over her.

She's fine and successful now but much of her 20s and 30s were defined by a lot of class A drug use and eating disorders caused, I suspect, by this.

By having one child, you might have a much happier one I think OP.

It is so refreshing to see so many lovely, positive comments about only children on this thread. Such a nice change from the usual tropes about only children being weird or lonely or selfish etc. Thank you to those who have shared these positive observations, as the stereotypical ideas about only children make it so much harder to come to terms with issues like secondary infertility. And they are all rubbish in any case!

The reality is, there are so many factors that impact on a child's development. Having siblings/no siblings is just one part of a much bigger picture. Having happy, healthy parents is probably much more important either way!

Oh it was at parents evening, we mentioned wanting to get her to be more independent with certain things and listening first time and they repeatedly put it down to her being an only child and this is the problem with only children getting used to being the centre of attention. They went on at length about it. Most kids going there do have siblings so they see onlies as a bit of a freak species.

She's only 6 by the way so its not like we're dealing with an 11 year old who can't dress herself, more a 6 year old who sometimes gets frustrated with buttons or loses focus and goes off to play when half dressed.

God, how irritating!!

One and done here - I have to jump in to back up all PP comments. Absolutely LOVE having one! The household is really relaxed and he gets all our time and attention. DH and I get plenty of time to ourselves as well. :)

To be honest I think stats for only children may be on the increase? Happy to be corrected on that information though.

Sounds like a fairly normal 6yo to be honest!

Outrageous for the school to make an issue of it. They have no idea whether you have an only child by choice, and they should keep their silly stereotypes to themselves.

FWIW, my dd was always ultra independent and very good at listening to instructions, so it clearly has nothing to do with being an only child...more to do with being only six, I should think!

We have an only.... we would have had more had we been able to, but also we are very happy to have the one and don't feel regretful of only having one.

We have the time, energy, money to fully support DD. She is so kind and sharing, also funny! Which flys in the face of what people say about only children.

However, she herself struggles with being an only. She craves playmates all the time. DH and I do what we can, play with her arrange play dates etc but she very much wishes she had a sibling and I know she would be thinking of it as if they'd always get on but in reality they wouldn't.... but her personality is that she enjoys people, playing in a group.
She does not like solitary activities at all.
But this is just her personality and not something you can predict.

Hoping once she's a bit older being an only will be something she appreciates.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves
I could've written this myself. Dd was born following ivf, which was a very positive and easy experience (1st time lucky). Was the one and only time I've been pregnant. I didn't want to tempt fate so we stuck at one. She's 11 now and a fabulous child. Happy, confident, doing well at school, loving, generous and funny. So many advantages to having one. We travel a lot (easy) and have money to support her hobbies and interests. We're super close as a threesome (plus ddog). Dh and I are a bit silly at times and will dance, laugh, joke with each other. She does have lots of friends and cousins so she's never lonely. She tells us often she likes being an only child and her bf says she wishes she was one too.

Yes, my dd has never wanted a sibling- I have asked her how she feels about it from time to time. She acknowledges that some of her friends have great relationships with their siblings while also noting that some have terrible sibling relationships, so she sees it as a bit of a mixed bag, really. She has always said that she is happy as an only child because she can't really miss something that she has never had. She is very extroverted and likes to be around people, but she has tons of friends so that hasn't ever really been an issue.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, it helps a lot to hear different viewpoints and stories, especially those who have got to teenage stage and can feel happy and at peace with having just one.

DD has never brought up whether or not she will have a sibling. She is only 4 so it could happen yet, but as it stands it doesn't even cross her mind. I don't recall ever giving it much thought myself when I was young, but then my parents divorced when I was 3 so I suppose I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I don't think it helps that we are quite isolated family wise, I'm an only child and DH brother lives an hour away. Aside from my Mum, the rest of my and his family live 1.5-2 hours away. So it isn't like she's with her cousins/close family friends all the time as some children are. We do make the effort to travel and see everyone as much as possible though.

From a selfish perspective, it is also the letting go of my own assumption that I would get to experience the pregnancy and baby stage again/breastfeeding etc. I also enjoyed pregnancy for the most part. I enjoyed my maternity leave so much with DD and breastfed to 18 months. I never once thought it would be the last time I would do that. I mean, I never took it for granted at least, but I might have felt differently about each moment if I'd known I wouldn't be doing it again. It is a hard pill to swallow.